Yesterday's Knews

Who Wins? The Experts Decide

2008-06-10T15:55:00.008+01:00

That’s right dear readers, in a week where literally loads of important real news stuff happened (like er some dolphins got lost, Gordon Brown did something shit and the Euro 08 finals started) your trusty purveyor of hard-hitting pretend news stories brings you an in-depth look at the final of The Apprentice.

We’ve gathered an imaginary panel of employment experts and (in fact exclusively) famous people and asked them to examine each candidate, then go away to “blue sky the bugger” and come up with a scientifically-proven winner.

First up is vacuous, serpentine pretty-boy Alex Wotherspoon.

“I think he’s all style over substance” said Conservative leader David Cameron.

“But he’s only 24! And he was privately-educated, so that must mean he is at least intelligent, trustworthy and able to lead” countered ‘Man-Of-The-People’ Education Secretary Alan Johnson.

“Ha! That just shows what you know! I was privately-educated and I’m quite patently a twat,” concluded Mr Cameron “And, trust me on this, you really wouldn’t want me running a major business, I’d only fuck it up compl…..oh crap. See what I mean?”

Next, our panel turned their attention to burly, pony-fancying loudmouth, Claire Young.

Assessing her chances of success are thuggish Lotto lout Michael Carroll and last year’s winner, Simon Ambrose.

“I notice she keeps comparing herself to dangerous dogs like a rottweiler and a German Shepherd, Michael. What do you make of that?”

“Well I’ve got loads of devil dogs in my gaff and I tells ya, if they yapped away like this bird, I’d have shot them in the face by now!” snarled Carroll.

“Well quite. Also, I hear she’s applied to be on Big Brother five times!” Simon added, swiftly changing the subject. “It just makes me wonder whether she really wants the job with Sir Alan or if she just wants to be on TV.”

“Yeah, whatever ponce. Are we done here? Right, I’m off to kick some pensioners up the arse.”

We then move on to the people’s champion, excitable poor-man’s Paul Sculthorpe http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Sculthorpe , Lee “I would never do the reverse pterodactyl in front of Sir Alan” McQueen.

Thanks to the wonders of technology we were able to set up a video-conference to get the exclusive views of on-duty BBC football commentary team, John 'Motty' Motson and Mark 'Lawro' Lawrenson.

John Motson kicked off “I’ll say this about Lee McQueen Mark, he’s a real battler isn’t he? The lad gets stuck in. If only the England team’d had a few Lee McQueens in it, they’d probably be here at the finals.”

Lawro wittily replied “I like the boy Lee McQueen, John. But let’s be honest, England would’nt have qualified if they’d had Steve McQueen and all of the Magnificent Seven!”

Motson summed-up “Tell you what though Lawro, heh heh, if he wins, he’ll be delighted. LEE MCQUEEN WILL BE DELIGHTED!”

Last and by every means least, we’re left with stocky nonentity Helene (“I’m a Global Pricing Leader, I am” Speight.

To discuss the merits of Miss Speight we’ve enlisted the unique talents of Britain’s most beloved polymath Stephen Fry. He waxed lyrical thusly “As you all know, I am the nation’s foremost living wit. On demand, I am noted for my ability to conjure up loquacious anecdotes on any subject of your choice. However, I can honestly proclaim that I can think of nothing whatsoever to say about Helene Speight.”

Stepping into the breach to offer an actual, valid opinion on Miss Speight was the acceptable face of GMTV, Lorraine Kelly. Her verdict was short, succinct and damning in equal measure.

“Her whingeing on about her disadvantaged childhood in the interview round disappointed me greatly. Although, to be fair, it was the first memorable thing she’s done all series. I can’t see Sir Alan falling for this one again though. I mean, she’s no Michele Dewberry is she? Maybe more like two Michelle Dewberries in the one body! Oooh aren’t I awful?”

So, there we have it. We input all of the celebrity-produced data into the Yesterdays Knews supercomputer and can confidently predict that the winner of this year’s Apprentice will be……………..

Alex Wotherspoon!

According to our top-secret supercomputer, Alex comes out on top due to David Cameron’s First Law of Rising Without Trace (Formula: Lack Any Discernible Personality + Keep Head Down + Attack All Opposition + Look Good on Cameras = Become Successful Bastard). Well that and he passed the tie breaker of having the name sounding most like an empire of cut-price booze peddlers and daycare centres for elderly alcoholics and people on the sick.

So well done Alex. And bad luck to the runners-up. Still, there’s always next year. Oh and Claire, duuno if you’ve noticed but a new Big Brother’s just started on 4. If you’re quick, you might make it on this time. See, as BB’s first series star ‘Nasty’ Nick Bateman said “As one door closes, another window opens. A shit-encrusted, broken window, behind which lies everything that’s so hateful about everything. But still a window nonetheless.”

The Twat-Off : Hillary Vs Sophocles

2008-06-05T02:21:00.015+01:00

So here we have it people. Just who is the most obnoxious, do-anything-to-win, lying, cheating, shit-eating fraud in this year’s slightly made-up final of The Apprentice?

The contenders are as follows:

Michael Sophocles : Shortarse shitehawk, without any discernible talent with a brazen attitude to lying, cheating and Raef-stabbing.

What The Papers Say : “A fucktard” (Anna Pickard, The Guardian) , “Odious Little Shit” (Adrian Chiles, BBC2’s ‘The Apprentice : You’re Fired’) , “Spivvy little dickweed” (Yesterdays Knews).

Hillary Clinton : Duplicitous, Political Noblesse-Oblige, Hard-faced bastard.

What The Papers Say : “An evil witch” (Bill O’Reilly, FOX TV) , “She kinda lied about sniper fire, so fuck her ” (The rest of the US media) , “Can’t she please just do one and leave me in peace to strump some late-teens?” (Bill Clinton).

What Might Sir Alan Say: “Michael, while you score very high on the international twatiness index, in fact a 9.8, one of the highest scores ever, I’ve got to say that Hillary, you've got one womb too many to fit into my organisation. So, with no regret whatsoever, Hillary, you’re fired!”

Clinton Finally Gets Her Cards

2008-06-04T17:25:00.004+01:00

The U.S Democratic Party have spoken and we can exclusively reveal that their choice as Presidential candidate for 2008 is Senator Barack Obama.

At the end of a six-month political battle royale, Obama was at long last confirmed as the victor over his doggedly determined rival, Senator Hillary Clinton.

Or so the (proper) papers say anyhow. The geeks. At Yesterdays Knews, we just happen to know differently. Unburdened as we are with their tiresome requirements to publish real facts based on actual stuff, we can now divulge the story behind the story.

The former First Lady is being put into the final of The Apprentice!

Our mole in Team Clinton reports that Hillary held crisis talks with her campaign team at daybreak today and weighed up her options. Faced with the choice of continuing to campaign for a job which she is now certain not to get and jetting over to London, England to take her chances on obtaining the vacant position with Sir Alan Sugar, it is believed that her husband Bill encouraged her to choose the latter.

As our mole revealed “Hillary was in favour of carrying-on and brushing off the technicality of defeat, hoping that if she kept this up long enough, people would eventually forget that she lost and just let her be President anyway. Kind of like when George lost his job in Seinfeld and just kept on coming into work anyway.”

The filthy grass continued “But former President Clinton urged her to start working off the unsuccessful campaign’s $20 million debts immediately by jumping on a transatlantic flight and leaving him to 'take care of business' at home.”

There is apparently no truth whatsoever in the rumour that cynical TV chiefs have parachuted in the scheming, muck-slinging, double-dealing, 'mis-speaking', delusional loser to replace recently-deposed oleaginous pantomime villain Michael Sophocles.

So, which one's better? Michael Sophocles or Hillary Clinton? There's only one way to find out..................FIGHT!

……And We’re Back!

2008-05-23T17:31:00.003+01:00

Yes that’s right patient readers, your 3,164th favourite spoof news website have returned from our brief sabbatical four days early. Just for you, you little fun-junkies. We know you’ve been Jonesing like crazy to get your hands on the really good stuff and what can we say, we’re sorry for leaving you like that.

We had originally made a contingency plan to bring in temporary cover to tide you over but this unfortunately had to be scrapped a bit sharpish when it became apparent that our “skeleton staff” consisted solely of a chimp with a visor on, hunched over a typewriter. And believe us, you don’t get to Yesterdays Knews’ position in the marketplace by allowing chimpanzees to publish articles consisting of “dpbj9uetgohraohg47653484y^($” while throwing their own spunk around your office. Although the ape did also manage to type “tits”, which is proof of something, if nothing else.

Anyway, to celebrate our return to active duty, here’s a roundup of some of the news we missed over the past three weeks:

There was a major world sensation in the US Primary elections where Hillary Clinton actually won two states! Staggeringly, two overwhelmingly white, redneck hick states decided not to vote for a black man. Well whatever next?

Meanwhile, at home, amiable but buffoonish toff, Boris Johnson, has been elected as the Mayor of London. Yes, actual people actually voted for Boris Johnson to become the Mayor of London. Just to reiterate: BORIS JOHNSON IS NOW THE MAYOR OF LONDON. Sometimes real life’s just so much funnier than anything we can come up with.

Of course, having said all of that, Mr Johnson’s first act as Mayor is already proving most popular with Londoners. His decision to ban boozing on buses and trains has meant that his predecessor, Ken Livingstone, has been forced to take to his car if he wants to get tanked up during his morning commute, thereby incurring his very own congestion charge. “Hoist on your own petard, Mr Livingstone!” as Boris might well have said.

In reality TV news, the absolute twatfest that is The Apprentice marches imperiously onwards to true telly greatness, trampling all lowbrow rivals in it’s wake. Although, what the fucking hell were you doing firing Raef last week, Sir Alan? Perhaps wise old Sir Alan (can we not drop the Sir bit, it’s getting a bit dull now surely? No, fair enough. Well can we call him Al? You know like the song? How about Shug then? Not that either? OK suit yourself) Sugar was teaching us all an important business lesson about how nice guys don’t succeed and that you have to be a right shithouse to get to the top. In which case spivvy little dickweed, Michael Sophocles, looks a shoe-in to win this show. And God help us all if he does.

Déjà Vu Time As Brown Ballses It Up Again

2008-05-02T17:47:00.004+01:00

Gordon Brown's last-ditch attempt to rescue his premiership lies in tatters today as Britain wakes up thirty years ago.

Following the Labour government’s catastrophic showing in yesterday’s local elections, Gordon Brown has been forced to take desperate measures to attempt to win back public support.

In what has been described by senior civil servants as “a surprise move”, the PM has taken the entire country back in time. Over the last two months, the government’s top advisers have secretly been showing Mr Brown DVD box-sets of the smash-hit BBC TV series, Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes.

So impressed was he with the way these shows captured the public’s affection, Mr Brown has railroaded through the launch of the government’s Super Duper Country Teleporter to take the electorate back to happier, more carefree days.

Unfortunately, however, the Super Duper Country Teleporter was not operational to full capacity when the PM accidentally activated it at 6.30 this morning by banging his head on the “Start Teleporting” button, thereby taking the entire United Kingdom back to 1978.

Our source inside Number 10 can reveal that Mr Brown originally intended to take the nation back to 1973 after watching Life on Mars but then changed his mind after viewing the sequel Ashes to Ashes and threw 1981 into the mix as well. The boss-eyed ditherer was unable to choose between them and thus when the machine was inadvertently turned on this morning, it defaulted to a year somewhere inbetween.

Now the beleagured PM faces the prospect of running a hugely unpopular administration grimly hanging onto the reins of a severely depressed country in the throes of recession with oil prices skyrocketing and industrial disputes breaking out left, right and centre. According to our source “he hopes no-one will notice any difference.”

Prezza Defends Puke Sex Claim

2008-04-24T17:29:00.003+01:00

John Prescott has today slammed critics for casting doubt on his contention that his bulimia was responsible for his very public extra-marital affair with aide Tracey Temple.

The former Deputy PM shocked the nation last weekend with his revelation that he suffered from the illness (whereby the patient gorges on fatty food and then forces themselves to vomit it all up) which is usually associated with young women.

But it was Prescott’s assertion that the bulimia directly caused him to stray from his wife with former assistant Temple, 46, that provoked most criticism.

An embattled Mr Prescott this morning called a press conference in central London to provide prima facie medical evidence to confirm his assertions. He was accompanied by a psychiatrist renowned in the field of food-related anxiety, Doctor Tucker MacSpew. Dr MacSpew said

“It is quite reasonable, in my experience, to see that there is a clear correlation between feasting oneself on delicious treats like hamburgers and condensed milk and feasting one’s loins on a lovely female lady. Oh yes.”

When asked to provide actual evidence of this purported “correlation” Dr MacSpew replied “Well look at that Russell Brand. He used to be bulimic and now he’s The Sun’s ‘Shagger Of The Year’. I rest my case.”

We tracked down Mr Brand this afternoon to discover his take on the claims. “Why 'tis nought but rrrrhubarb” said the ballbags funnyman.

He went on “Oh and don’t forget to go and see my new film ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’. It’s out on Friday and I’m in it and everything! Just thought I’d mention that ‘cos I’ve been really reticent about the whole being asked to be in a Hollywood movie thing and I’ve hardly mentioned it to anyone. ‘Ere do you fancy a fumble then sweetcheeks?”

TV News : War of the Eve

2008-04-16T12:33:00.002+01:00

News reaches us this morning that is certain to send shockwaves throughout the broadcast media.

ITV have poached British television’s most in-demand actor, Trevor Eve, from under the noses of baffled BBC bosses to make a reality TV show!

Beeb drama chiefs were thought to be lining up several new dramatic projects for Eve in the wake of the resounding critical success of his recent powerhouse performance as slimy gameshow host Hughie Greene.

However, it is thought that new ITV chief, Peter Fincham, used his friendship with the Waking The Dead star to lure him away from Auntie’s clutches with a money-no-object offer to make the light-entertainment programme of his choice.

The new show, devised by and starring Eve, is already in pre-production and is scheduled to appear on Saturday evenings this autumn. Details are still somewhat sketchy at this stage but we can reveal the working title and brief synopsis thanks to a rather helpful source in the ITV publicity department.

“Eve Of Destruction” : Waking The Dead actor Trevor Eve is mad as hell and he’s not gonna take it any more! Watch as he rampages through the English countryside taking on local pub hardmen as he smashes the gaff up.

Reports that the BBC are planning a counter-move with a series showing Robson Green arm-wrestling prisoners are as yet unconfirmed.

Shit Storm Threatens To Engulf The City

2008-03-28T17:18:00.002Z

London’s Square Mile has been declared a no-go area as the recent financial shit-storm worsens by the day.

The panic that first gripped the city’s stockbrokers last week seems to have spread like wildfire throughout London’s financial institutions.

It is believed that the downturn in the FTSE caused many of the country’s top bankers and businessmen to dramatically shit themselves, causing a tumultuous explosion of brandy and foie gras-tinged faeces to burst through the boardrooms.

As the financial prognosis became ever gloomier, wave upon wave of pinstriped plop began to cascade down throughout the City’s top offices. This uncommon occurrence has been described by economic experts as “the trickle down effect”.

With the turd levels rising steadily and in the complete absence of any government intervention as PM Gordon Brown instead spends his time poncing around with Napoleon-lite French President Nicholas Sarkozy, it is feared that one more bank collapse could lead to the entire financial district becoming fatally submerged in shite.

Help could yet be at hand however from the unlikely source of President George Bush. Reports coming out of Washington this morning suggest that the President is preparing to send a crack rescue team to London to evacuate the shit-stricken area and clean the resulting bio-hazard up all nice.

We queried what the President’s motives for undertaking such an altruistic act of international kindness might be when he was so slow to respond to the devastating effects of Hurricane Katrina in his own country. Our anonymous White House source explained “because it’s white people affected this time.”

D-Day USA

2008-03-04T17:08:00.002Z

It’s crunch time in the US primaries today when the Democratic Party may finally reveal their nominee to contest the Presidency in this November’s election. (Factual Note – this might not happen.)

So, we thought this was a good time to look back at the campaigns to date and ponder the following question. What have we learnt so far?

That the American media seem to have run out of superlative adjectives to describe today’s clash, after Super-Duper Tuesday had proved inconclusive. Although Yesterdays Knews suggests “Freakin' Massive Tuesday Man!” (Legal Note – if someone uses that on CNN tonight, you owe us money Turner.)

That being a US Senator must be one of the easiest jobs in the world if they’re allowed to take almost two years off their actual work, on full pay mind, to piss-around at trying to become President. No wonder Ron Paul hasn’t pulled out yet. Would you?

That it is possible to have the middle name Hussein AND still be a Christian (other faiths are available). This point’s just for Hillary Clinton by the way. We realise that the rest of us have worked this out by now. Oh hold on, breaking news alert here…………………….

Ah yes, and believe it or not Hillary, DAVID Beckham is not Jewish! Despite the name! Who’da thunk it?

It’s all very well and good Rambo star Sylvester Stallone endorsing John McCain now. But where was he when the Senator was banged-up in a Hanoi hell-hole for seven years and really needed his help?

Letter Theft Suspect Will Have His Life Changed

2008-02-28T17:49:00.002Z

A man has been questioned by Police in relation to last weekend’s sensational Hollywood heist. The disappearance of the letter R in a circle from the end of The Oscars took organisers completely by surprise.

“We were completely taken by surprise” said Organising Vice-President, Charles Gray.

Investigating officers were puzzled as to why anyone would want or need the encircled R as it was deemed to have no monetary value.

However, Scotland Yard detectives today received a tip-off that the culprit was at large and living it up in foggy old London town. The mystery informant said he was an associate of the suspect and that the man had been planning to steal the R in a circle for some time, in order to add another superfluous letter to his name. It is believed that the suspect has developed an addictive habit for adding extra consonants to his forename.

Police sources have revealed that the informant, an Australian male, agreed to co-operate in exchange for immunity from prosecution as an accomplice as he was apparently terrified of being subjected to bland and tasteless prison food, especially the “paaastaah”.

The suspect, this afternoon released on bail, has been named as television personality and ingredients expert, Gregg Wallace. The shouty slaphead would only comment that “audacious thefts of encircled letters doesn’t come any tougher than this!”

Gog’s Blog Leaves Readers Agog

2008-02-27T13:30:00.003Z

First as ever with all of the big news, our finger-on-the-pulse operation today brings you a story that happened two weeks ago. (Well we’ve got lives too you know. Do you think we just created this publication to amuse you lot? Oh right. Well then.)

A minor furore was caused recently (in a fairly loose definition of the word) when a guest writer in the travel section of the Guardian newspaper’s website was on the receiving end of a torrent of abuse.

19 year-old gap year student Max Gogarty (pictured, yes really) was asked to pen a regular blog describing his in-no-way clichéd holiday (yes, you’re going on holiday, not ‘travelling’ you pretentious titheads) to “find himself” in India and Thailand.

Unfortunately for the Guardian, it quickly became evident that poor little Max had a rather unpopular writing style, or to quote journalistic behemoth Bob Woodward, “he writes like a cunt. A talentless, vapid cunt, at that”.

Furthermore, observant readers immediately identified that the bungling blogger was actually the son of sometime-Guardian travel writer, Paul Gogarty.

Within minutes, the article, the writer and the newspaper itself came under attack from hundreds of disgusted readers, ashamed that the august organ could stoop to such lazy, nepotistic depths.

Before the day was through, the Guardian had stopped all further comments on the article and announced that Gogarty Junior would not be writing any further pearls of wisdom on their website.

Over the following days, several articles appeared in the print and online editions of the respected liberal publication, criticising their own readers as a bullying, thuggish mob. Honestly.

We tried to contact Guardian editor Alan Rusbridger for his views on the handling of this matter but had to beat a hasty retreat when he questioned the veracity of our Bob Woodward quote. We did however manage to get a quote from Guardian-hating, ‘straight-talking’, ‘why it’s political correctness gone mad’, immigrant and foreigner-baiting, prick of a newspaper columnist, the Mail’s very own Richard Littlejohn.

Littlejohn summed up the incident with his trademark caustic wit “Oooh a load of cardigan-wearing, lentil-eating lefty poofters had a little gay row did they? Bloody weirdoes. This land used to be fit for heroes you know? Not any more. Over-educated they are, that lot. That’s their problem, no common sense the lot of them.”

Incidentally, you can read the original article and the rather amusing comments, by simply clicking on the link we have handily placed below. Gosh we're nice aren't we?

http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/travelog/2008/02/skins_blog.html

Sympathy For The Cheryl

2008-02-14T18:16:00.001Z

The low-rent celebrity war between stage-school, daddy's girl, pretend working-class, fraudulent cockney poppet, Lily Allen, and lad-mag fave, can't really sing without digital-enhancement, Geordie thug, Cheryl Cole, seems to have cooled after they both admitted that, at some stage of their of their lives, they'd had issues with their other halves.

So, in a rare moment of showbiz female solidarity, Miss Allen has offered to call a truce on their tabloid-selling game of tit-for-tat insult-throwing.

It is believed that Mrs Cole,currently in hiding, has let it be known that she appreciates the gesture and has suggested to Miss Allen that they put their issues behind them. In fact, we understand that the singers even plan to join forces in order to undertake the mother-of-all celebrity feuds with troubled star Amy Winehouse.

Legal Note:

* Cheryl Cole was actually convicted of vile thuggery in 2002 after being a vile thug in 2002.

* Lily Allen, at least as far as this publication is aware has never committed an act of actual-bodily-harm. Although, her new BBC Three chatshow is undeniably excruciatingly painful to watch.

So, readers,who do you prefer? Cheryl or Lily? Why not let us know in the Comments box below............................

Cerys Cashes In

2008-02-01T17:16:00.000Z

In yet more frozen-food related news, it has been reported that Cerys Matthews looks set to sell off the last vestiges of her musical credibility by agreeing to become the new face of Iceland.

The freezer store giant recently announced that they had dropped troubled personality Kerry Katona from their TV ad campaigns (for unspecified reasons we must add – but we can all have a good guess eh?) and were known to be on the lookout for a replacement to appeal to their key demographic: ITV reality show viewers.

Ms Matthews is believed to have attracted the attention of the Icleand execs after appearing on 'I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here', when she received huge media coverage for her unedifying love affair with tubby romancer Marc Bannerman.

The deal is expected to be announced later today after Cerys and the ad execs made a series of compromises:

Cerys will now agree to sing a cheap and nasty jingle in the ads in exchange for more cash. And Iceland have agreed to cast failed actor Bannerman in a minor role in their upcoming ice pops advertisement.

The only sticking point still to be ironed out is now whether or not she actually has to eat the slurry shown on screen.

Rudy’s Had His Chips

2008-01-31T03:14:00.000Z

Former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani has finally called time on his ill-fated run for the White House.

After his humiliating third-place finish in the Florida primary, upon which he gambled his entire election strategy, “America’s Mayor” was forced to abandon his overly-ambitious mission to become the leader of the Free World.

Mr Giuliani admitted that the Grand Old Party had effectively “shat in his face” in their rush to elect seemingly almost any other candidate than him.

The notoriously sensitve Capitaliser-In-Chief pledged his full support to his friend John McCain, the oven chip magnate, this afternoon.

This is not the first time that Mr Giuliani has had to swallow his pride and look to Senator McCain to join a more successful operation.

Only last year, he sold his shares in his failing frozen-food company to his rival after Mr McCain’s hugely-popular Micro Chips outsold his own 'Rudy’s Saviour of New York Pizzas' ten-to-one.

It looks like in politics, as in life, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Here’s Some More News In Brief! Yay!

2008-01-15T17:26:00.000Z

That’s right fans, we haven’t deserted you. In case you’ve been hankering after some sub-Two Ronnies jokes based on tit-bits of the latest world news, well hanker no more. We’ve scoured the world of actual real news for you and condensed it all up real nice below. Enjoy!

The war of words between the two front-runners for the Democratic Presidential nomination, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, intensified today. Following Senator Clinton’s inflammatory accusation that he was making race an issue in the campaign, Mr Obama, after ridiculing the notion, hit back by questioning Mrs Clinton’s commitment to the Presidency:

“It seems perfectly clear to me that Senator Clinton is leading us all a merry dance here. As if she’ll have the time to implement even half of her proposals in the White House while she’s still running her card shop empire!”

A wall containing the ‘art’ of inexplicably successful chancer, Banksy, is to be sold today for a whopping £210,000. Art expert Tim Marlow expressed concern at the development:

“We simply can’t have a no-talent huckster, motivated entirely by fiscal reward and with no consideration whatsoever for creating anything beautiful and lasting, churning-out this kind of soulless pap in the Modern Art world. That’s Damien Hirst’s job.”

To the palpable relief of The Daily Express, it seems like the interminable saga of the Dian Inquest is still nowhere near concluding. So, in the interests of public-service pretend-journalism, here’s a summary of what we’ve discovered so far:

The late, great Queen of Hearts, Princess Diana had a surprisingly friendly relationship with / was bullied by her former father-in-law, the arrogant chimp-faced racist, Prince Phillip.

She was in love with, planning to marry and expecting the child of / having a cheap fling (what with him being a rich playboy and that) with Dodi Al Fayed.

The Michael Jackson song ‘Dirty Diana’ was not, actually, written about England’s Rose after all. According to her rock butler (apparently he used to set the tables dressed as Shakin’ Stevens) Paul Burrell, it was almost certainly penned in memory of fellow dead blonde bombshell, Diana Dors.

He said “I was told this several years ago by my good friend Bruce Springsteen. So it must be true.”

Sorry We Fucked Up : Corrections

2008-01-10T04:07:00.000Z

Firstly and foremostly, a gargantuan apology is due to former Smug Prick Of The Year nominee Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall. Hugh’s laudable campaign to halt the sale of mass-produced chickens is frankly so stirring and obviously unselfish that this sorry excuse for a website can completely and utterly retract every single word of our poorly-worded and unoriginally-thought-out Christmas feature. We’ll go so far as to say we’re genuinely apologetic for being dickheads and we’ll try harder in future.

And Ricky Gervais, now we come to think about it, although it’s become tooth-abcess-remindingly painful to hear your post-modern tales of success, the Christmas episode of Extras was exceptionally good. For what it’s worth anyway. And we've got a fucking cheek considering. As if Gervais reads this amateur-hour shit anyway. But there you go.

Oh and Jim Davidson. You’re still a cunt.

Top Docs Call For Winter Cull - Of Humans!

2008-01-04T16:49:00.000Z

A panel of Britain’s top doctors today proposed controversial measures in response to the growing sickness epidemic engulfing the country. The British Union of Medicalists (B.U.M) have recommended that the government conduct a yearly winter cull of the population to prevent hospitals becoming overrun with patients each December and January.

B.U.M spokesman Dr Julian Barratt said that the majority of the population had no reason to be afraid of the proposed cull and explained that only the elderly and infirm would be slaughtered with clubs and planks of wood with nails sticking-out. “Oh and the poor as well” he added.

Dr Barratt continued “Every winter, the NHS is awash with these parasites pouring into surgeries and hospitals with their filthy rotten germs and expecting our over-worked administrators to somehow manage to fiddle, er I mean seasonally-adjust, the waiting list figures. This way, we can meet all of our insane government-set targets and our top surgeons and consultants can have Christmas and New Year off to spend in their luxurious Caribbean holiday homes. It’s really the only way.”

It is thought that all of the major political parties are willing to tacitly agree with the cull as they are all afraid of disagreeing with the powerful doctoring community. As our man-of-the-people Westminster correspondent, Geoff Gruff explained in his charmingly colloquial manner “This bunch of namby-pambies are all reet scared o’them there quacks after th’ Harley Street mob threatened t’stop writing them dodgy prescriptions for t’clap medicine. Dirty beggars they are, I tell thee.”

Monkey Nuts

2008-01-04T16:17:00.000Z

In Northern India, unemployed youths are being trained to sterilise monkeys, in an attempt to keep the growing population in check. As was reported here recently, the monkey population in India has caused severe problems with yobish behaviour, vandalism, graffiti, and drunken, loutish behaviour by a small minority of the simian population.

A spokesmonkey for the British And North Asian Neutering Apes Society (BANANAS) claimed that the problems of young monkeys and the gang culture that surrounds them, gave the government no other option than sterilisation, to stop any further youngsters becoming involved in the future.

One of the youths involved in the sterilisation process, spoke of his excitement at his new role. Chopya Balsoff, 17, spoke of his enthusiam, "I cant wait to get stuck in, we get 1 ruppee for each sterilsed monkey, but the producers of "I'm a Celebrity..." give us 10 ruppees for each testicle...don't know what they do with them though?". Spokesmen for "I'm a Celebrity..." Mr Ant and Mr Dec denied any knowledge of the illigal monkey ball purchases, claiming that they only ever use fresh kangaroo testicles in all their tasks.

Yesterdays Knews In Brief

2008-01-03T17:34:00.000Z

It’s been a slow couple of days on the satirical news front what with it being New Year and all. Well that and the fact that all the major world news stories just happen to be just a teeny-weeny bit too sensitive for fat feckless wastrels like us to get involved in (yes we’re cowards, so what?).

So, until something funny happens or Big Brother Celebrity Attack starts on telly tonight, whichever is sooner, here is a brief round-up of the news in handy bite-size chunks.

Ex-popstar Gareth Gates has announced that he is getting married to his long-time sweetheart. The Unchained Melody ace, 23, has been dating dancer Suzanne Mole for five years, although that does technically include the two and half weeks it took for him to complete the marriage proposal.

Troubled TV funnyman Michael Barrymore was ‘all-white’ on New Year’s Eve when his pet cockatoo nervously reacted to the midnight fireworks and shat all over his face. The statue-up-the-arse comic said “feel free to insert your own pool party punchline”.

Jay Leno and The Tonight Show were back on the air last night after a two month enforced hiatus due to the Hollywood writers strike. Unfortunately, as NBC have failed to make a deal with the screenwriters union, Leno didn’t have the luxury of a team of writers to make him funny and produced little more than an hour of inconsequential, sycophantic interviews and deeply unamusing references. Strangely enough, viewers didn’t notice any difference.

Yesterdays Knews Showbiz Awards 2007

2007-12-24T01:13:00.000Z

Well it’s that time again when we look back at the past year and think about what we’ve learnt. And what better way to celebrate the year than to have another awards show?

So, with that unoriginal thinking in mind, we’re proud to bring you the inaugural Yesterdays Knews Showbiz Awards for 2007 or “The Yessies” as they are certain to never be called by anyone. Ever.

Anyway, without further ado, let’s crack on with the glittering, star-studded ceremony.

To kick things off, it’s the gong for Piss-artist of the Year : There’s been some strong competition in this a vintage year for the new crop of hell-raisers and low-self-respect-having celebrities. The ladies were really showing us how it’s done this year with distinctions going to Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and of course, Amy Winehouse.

However, in part due to his complete lack of knowledge of his own image and mainly due to his brilliant knack of managing to get himself bollocksed in the strangest public places, most notably at Heathrow Airport while lifting up and carrying around the manageress of the Sock Shop and then stumbling around the terminal urging everybody in ear-shot to not “Hassle the Hoff” before slumping into a pathetic drunken stupor and urinating in his pants whilst asleep, this year’s booze-hound of the Year can be none other than David Hasselhoff. Jump in your car Hoff? No thanks mate. It stinks quite strongly of piss.

(As a special Christmas gift, for anyone who hasn’t yet seen it, here’s a link to The Hoff’s now infamous semi-naked drunken hamburger meltdown.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QH3JAp7vMuo

The Carpenters Award for most unsettling brother and sister pop act : X Factor finalists Same Difference. Remember kids, the group that bathes together, stays together.

The Kate Thornton Award for the most disproportionately irritating, vacuous, blonde bastard : Fearne Cotton beats off her namesake Anthony Cotton in what will almost certainly be the only time you’ll ever read that sentence.

The John Gotti Award for being so obviously guilty as fuck but somehow not only getting away with it but seemingly becoming more successful than before : Rat-faced, racist, tit-flopper-out Danielle Lloyd.

The Please Why Don’t You Follow Exactly In The Footsteps Of Your Famous Mother Award : Pea-brained, big-mouthed, rich little gobshite Peaches Geldof.

The Smuggest Prick on the Telly Award : As you might imagine, we’ve had no shortage of contenders for this prized gong. Worth dishonourable mentions this year have been Jeffrey Archer and spivvy business cock Simon Jordan who both “starred” on ITV’s bizarre begging show Fortune, everyone involved in the thankfully now defunct toss-fest that was Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, American Idol dwarf Ryan Seacrest (the only television presenter who always looks like he’s enjoying a delicious ice cream treat) , TV cook “Ooh look at me, I live in the country and am entirely self-sufficient living off home-made soil sandwiches baked in my very own kiln which is powered only by own sense of superiority. Bow down before me you supermarket-frequenting city-dwelling scum” Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall and those absolute shite-eating, cock-rings off the Coke Zero advert.

But, we can only have one winner. And that means that the award for the smuggest, most self-satisfied prick to have shown up on our TV screens this year is Mr Ricky Gervais. He’s won tons of awards, made millions of pounds and has literally arseloads of showbiz mates you know? Just thought we should remind you of that, as he hasn’t mentioned it for the last two days.

And finally, we’re left with the blue ribbon award for Twat of the Year. We’re sure you’ll agree, there’s been a plentiful supply of celebrity twats this year but there is one who towers head and shoulders above them all. Yes, the Yesterdays Knews Twat of the Year 2007 is, for so very many reasons, David Cameron. We know that he’s not an according-to-hoil celeb, but, bearing in mind that quote about politics being showbusiness for ugly people, the Mr Potato Head-faced vapid liar will do quite nicely. And let’s face it, can you think of a bigger twat? Exactly.

That’s all the awards we’ve got time for this year, so all that’s left to do is to wish all of you, on behalf of the Yesterdays Knews team, a very Merry Christmas.

Diary of an Editor

2007-12-21T14:30:00.000Z

Well, being a car owner, its a very rare occasion that I take public transport, but today was going to be an exception.

That is...until I got to the bus-stop.

Why are all buses these days single deckers?

The queue for the number 20 snaked up the street, and the packed bus looked like the 11:20 train from New Delhi, with people hanging onto the sides for dear life!!

Suffice to say...I declined the trip onto town, but it reminded me of a bus trip I took a while ago...perhaps I'll tell that story tomorrow.

Diary of an Editor...

2007-12-21T00:39:00.000Z

Here at Yesterday's Knews the editors of your favourite blog site lead interesting and varied lives outside the confines of the internet world. And so, I thought it would be an interesting piece, to do a diary for our readers, giving you an insight into the bizarre world we live in.

And so to start, I will tell you about my strange day.

Its Christmas!! so, I joined the throngs of shoppers to finish off my Christmas present buying. On entering my first shop, a happy looking shop assistant watched me enter, with a smile, and began to slowly follow me around the store...which can be quite uncomfortable when your trying to stuff wooly jumpers into your aluminium lined carrier bag.

Anyway, she walked up to me...a 6 foot, stocky scouser and said "Can I help you? I don't think we have any dresses for you today..." Do I look like Paul O'Grady?? no... But I'll humour her "What!!! you don't have anything in my size?" to which she looked around the shop and pointed out a rubber gimp suit (it was M&S by the way, or is that S&M?) to which I jokingly asked "Do you have anywhere I can try it on??" before smiling at her and leaving the store...

And that is a true story...well...almost...

Godless Clegg Branded A Disgrace

2007-12-19T19:59:00.000Z

New Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg was slammed by prominent Labour and Conservative MPs last night as it emerged that, disgracefully, he doesn't believe in God.

Senior Tory frontbencher, George Rentboy-Abuser, queried Clegg's right to run a major political party when he won't be able to blame any of his half-baked, incompetent or dangerous policies on an all-powerful deity. "He'll be saying he wants gays in the Navy next, dear me."

The attack from Labour was started by Gordon Brown acolyte, Mike Cocks. Mr Cocks savaged Mr Clegg as "a heathen, rat-shagging devil-man." He reasoned that if Christianity is good enough for our brave and noble leader Mr Brown, it should be plenty good enough for a no-mark, Ethel Austin version of David Cameron.

Mr Clegg was unperturbed by the criticism however, explaining that the popularity of celebrity atheists like Richard Dawkins, has led him to believe that he could corner the market for "the thinking man's (and woman's of course, and hermaphrodites'. Oh and albinos as well) votes."

When quizzed as to how his views would affect his treatment of the clergy should he ever be elected Prime Minister, and therefore Deputy Head of the Church of England, Mr Clegg, after he'd stopped laughing, promised that he would not bash the bishops. "At least not any more than was absolutely necessary".

Yankee Fool-dle Dandy

2007-12-13T11:22:00.000Z

A sculpture seen by thousands in a Chigaco musuem was pronounced a forgery this week, much to the amusement of us here at Yesterday's Knews Towers!! The Faun, believed to be created by artist Paul Gaugin, was actually created by Shaun Greenhaulgh, from Bolton, and his 84 year old mother, Olive.

This is not the first time Americans have been swindled by us canny Brits!! London Bridge was sold to an American tycoon, who, allegedly, believed it to be the more impressive Tower Bridge. And just this week, the Smithsonian museum bought this painting below...believing it to be the Mona Lisa.

Doctors Say Smoking Causes AIDS

2007-12-12T13:32:00.000Z

A top medical research group today announced that smoking can give you AIDS. The shock findings were published by the London-based Moseley Group as a result of a thorough week-long medical study.

This follows recent research that declared that smoking also caused diabetes, lactose-intolerance, backache and shitty arses.

According to the paper, a crack team of physicians and scientists studied 10 cases of HIV patients and discovered that 4 of them were smokers. This information was then fed through their supercomputer to extrapolate the results across the global population. Consequently, they have found a clear cause-and-effect between smoking and AIDS with a mathematical likelihood co-efficient of 40.

Presenting the results, Dr Royston Castle PhD, announced “here we find yet another deadly side-effect of this disgusting habit. Smokers of the world, I promise you this, I will not cease from mental flight, nor shall my sword sleep in my hand, till I have blamed every last disease on your filthy chicanery. You scum make me sick. Literally”

Yesterday's Knews Attracts World Wide Attention...

2007-12-10T21:23:00.001Z

It's official, Yesterday's Knews is attracting attention from across the World Wide Web. The newspaper that gives its readers the world’s news with its very own twist is making a splash beyond these shores. Even before the excellent review from Channel 4's very own 4 Laughs website your favourite newspaper was getting a high level of attention. With the continued high volume of hits our newspaper has been receiving Yesterday's Knews continues to be the newspaper that everyone wants to read.

Yesterday's Knews Christmas Present for all its Readers...

2007-12-06T00:05:00.000Z

Well, its that time of year again, where a large bearded man in a red coat breaks into your house and empties his sack all over your living room floor. Why we put up with this every year I do not know!! Anyway...here at Yesterday's Knews Towers, we always enjoy the festive spirit...some more than others (hic!) and so to provide our readers with a little festive cheer, we will be creating a Christmas Story!!

This is something myself and my colleagues have done for a number of years now, locked away in our ivory towers. One of us will begin a story, and each of us will take a turn in continuing the story where the other has left off, to create a masterpiece of comical genius!! or not...so here goes...

The Christmas Story...Part 1

"90 degrees in the shade!! I hate the summer..." Santa sat on the beach sipping Pina Colada's and eyeing up the bikini clad ladies. He also hated not having his beard, having to shave it off every summer to remain incognito was beginning to become tiresome. But what worried him most on this hot mid July day, was the news playstation 3's would be the toy of next Christmas...how was he going to afford £300 quid for 2 billion children's presents?...not to mention the numerous recent requests for Mohammed teddy bears!! This was going to be one tricky Christmas...

Over to you Mr GQB...

Bullied Brown Hits Back

2007-11-30T16:46:00.000Z

Beleaguered Prime Minister Gordon Brown has today moved against his critics in a savage Commons attack.

The PM is said to have been brooding over a string of insults from his opposite numbers, David Cameron and Vince Cable, and reacted to a further remark by Mr Cameron this afternoon with a vicious outburst.

After being branded "Mr Bean" by acting Liberal Democrat leader Mr Cable, the PM complained to the Speaker of the House, saying he was being picked on. This led Conservative leader Mr Cameron to taunt him further with jibes that he was “a rotten, stinking grass” and “why don’t you just run home to mummy, you Cyclops twat”.

It was that final insult that seemed to push Mr Brown over the edge. Trembling with anger, he threw off his jacket, ripped open his shirt and screamed “Come on then! I’ll fuckin’ batter the pair of youse, you fuckin’radges!Aaaarrrggghhhh!”

In unprecedented scenes, the PM then proceeded to vault over the Dispatch Box and headbutt Mr Cameron with considerable force. As the Tory leader lay prostrate on the Commons floor, Mr Brown waded into the Lib Dem benches and dragged Mr Cable out into the centre of the room. The PM grabbed Mr Cable’s testicles and appeared to be squeezing them like Jack Lemmon might’ve squeezed stress balls in the film Glengarry Glenross.

Whilst applying the testicular torture, Mr Brown addressed the Lib Dem chief “Mr Bean am I eh? Think you’re a smartarse do you son? C’moan then, let’s hear another one o’ yir funnies then, ya cunt.”

After Mr Cable tearfully apologised for his insult, the PM released him from his iron-clad grip and the soon-to-be-ex Lib Dem leader crawled away to seek medical help for his devastated conkers.

Mr Brown was finally restrained by half-a-dozen Labour frontbenchers. As he was being ushered out of the Commons, he left a parting shot to the bewildered Opposition by threatening to come back next week “and do the fucking lot of youse. So you'd better look out, awright?”

Oxford Union 'Were Racist By Mistake’

2007-11-28T13:42:00.000Z

The President of the Oxford Union yesterday denied that Monday’s appearance by notorious racists David Irving and Nick Griffin was a cheap and insensitive publicity stunt. In fact Union head Luke Twyll claimed that it was all a case of mistaken identity.

In an astonishing confession, Twyll stated that the booking of Holocaust-denier and Nazi-fetishist Irving, together with BNP thug-in-a-suit Griffin, was an “admin error”.

“You can only imagine my horror when I saw these two monsters arrive at the Union on Monday night” said Master Twyll. “I’d specifically asked for that hilarious fat guy off the telly, Peter Griffin, and the famous songwriter Irving Berlin and left it up to the Union’s secretary to make the necessary arrangements. Well that’s what happens when you trust the working-classes with anything important eh? Dreadful oiks.”

When it was pointed out to Twyll that Peter Griffin is a fictional character in the animated TV show Family Guy and that Irving Berlin has in fact been dead for many years, he backtracked further.

“I knew that of course. Just testing old boy! No, I had, um actually, requested that we book the griffin off the old Midland Bank logo and erm, Eddie Irving (sic), the racing driver. Yes that’s it. Definitely.”

Young Master Twyll was then interrupted by The Telegraph’s correspondent Percival Wilberforce, who explained to him, in no uncertain terms, that he had one last chance to tell the truth or else he would pop the young scoundrel over his knee and give his tender young botty a sound thrashing.

His bottom-lip quivering, Twyll managed to splutter “OK. I made a mistake. Sorry. I meant to say that I meant to invite Derek Griffiths, the Playschool presenter and the 18th Century writer Washington Irving. Now please excuse me, I have to go” before running away as fast as his little legs would carry him.

We met up with Seventies style icon Derek Griffiths last night over cocktails to gauge his reaction to this somewhat surprising news. He said “I was really excited to hear about the offer to speak at the Oxford Union when you rang me this afternoon. So I rang Oxford University up and told them I’d be delighted to accept the invitation if it still stands. The man on the other end said they don’t let blacks on the premises and hung up.”

Advertisement : Festive Fun For All The Family

2007-11-14T13:33:00.000Z

Daily Mail readers. Do you struggle to find time in your hectic hatemongering schedules to shop for suitable Christmas (before the Satanist Labour government outlaws that as well) presents for little Peregrine and Jocasta that won’t warp their little minds with modern leftist butchery? Well worry no more.

Right-Thinking Games Corporation introduce the new board game that’s going down a storm in middle England. We are proud to bring you… ‘Political Correctness Gone Mad!’

‘Political Correctness Gone Mad!’ guarantees hours of narrow-minded fun for all the family. The object of the game? It’s simple. All you have to do is negotiate your way through another four years of loony Labour control of your local council without being locked up by the Lesbian Thought Police for speaking your mind. If you’re clever though, you can always cash in some of your lucrative share options for heroin, dungarees and dildos in a bid to bribe your way back into the game.

Sounds easy enough? Well we’ve added some devilish distractions along the way so you’d better watch your step. One throw could take you to the safe haven of the golf club where you can relax and pretend it’s the good old days with the Brigadier over a port and lemon. But it could also take you into the depths of hell that is the benefits office, where your hard-earned nest-egg diminishes by one-tenth for every turn where you fail to throw a six.

OK. So you’ve managed your way through all that. Now what? Each of you need to pick a card from the blue deck. You’ll each be given one example of human rights/health and safety lefty lunacy taken from the pages of The Mail and you each have one minute to rant about the injustice of the Communist pen-pushing do-gooders at the heart of local government and how they’ve turned this once-proud warrior nation into a land for scrounging, ungrateful backdoor-merchants. Whoever’s rant most closely matches the original Mail article in the accompanying rulebook shall be declared the victor.

And at only £19.99 (which, let’s face it is only a tiny fraction of an AIDS-ridden asylum-seeker’s weekly dole money) for the peace of mind you’ll get from helping to ensure your self-serving, petty bigotry is passed onto the next generation, can you really afford not to?

Buy ‘Political Correctness Gone Mad!’ now. It’s common sense!

Brown To Kill Cretins

2007-11-09T15:55:00.000Z

Prime Minister Gordon Brown, shaken by the negative reception to his policy plans outlined in the Queen’s Speech, has today announced an unashamedly populist addendum.

Mr Brown announced that the government will henceforth adopt a zero-tolerance attitude towards idiotic and irritating words and phrases. He said that he will liaise with Army chiefs in order to put together death squads, who will be charged with “cleaning the braindead filth off the streets of this proud isle we call Britannia”.

Top of Mr Brown’s agenda is tackling the individuals who use the acronym ‘LOL’. From tomorrow onwards, anyone who uses this baffling term on the internet will be identified electronically and, within minutes, can expect a knock at the door from a particularly sadistic execution team. As the PM rightly pointed out “what does this LOL even mean? I haven’t got a clue and I suspect neither do the majority of the British people”.

Also on the PM’s hitlist are any journalist or commenter, either professional or amateur, who think they are showing off their supposedly superior knowledge of pop-culture and entertainment ‘industry-speak’ by using the phrase “jumped the shark” to describe something that is not as good as it used to be. Any person or persons guilty of this abomination will be summarily eviscerated.

In addition, Mr Brown also intends to clamp down on the use of the word “chav” as he rightly pointed out that “there are dozens of perfectly appropriate words already in place for this. What’s wrong with scumbag, bin-dipper, scally, ned, pikey or scrote eh? Eh?”

He continued “and, last but by no means least, any witless retards who still think it’s amusing to indicate disagreement or disapproval by adding ‘….not’ at the end of a sentence will now be knifed in the face by madmen”.

Mr Brown’s plans were rubbished by prospective Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg who sneered “this is craven vote-seeking by the Prime Minister. You would never see such a thing as this from the Liberal Democrats, I can assure you.”

When we put this to Mr Brown he replied “Nick who? I have literally never heard of him”.

And, in response to David Cameron’s claim that he “was going a bit far, what, what, what”, the PM harrumphed “he can fuck off as well”.

Blogging “A Waste Of Time And For Idiots” Say Experts

2007-10-31T16:19:00.000Z

Blogging has come under attack from computer scientists and technology specialists. A report, published this morning by the Southampton & Hove Institute of Technology (S.H.I.T), has concluded that the vast majority of blog entries across the internet are “utterly pointless”.

Presenting the report, Professor Bill Rawles said that the blogging craze had polluted the internet with such an extravagant volume of inane waffle that it was actually getting quite difficult to find any decent pornography.

Professor Rawles continued “Our extensive research has concluded that, in 99.98% of cases, no-one, and I really do mean no-one, anywhere in the whole World, is even remotely interested in your self-obsessed droolings about your tedious little non-lives.”

The Professor proceeded to differentiate between those who run their own blogs (“Talentless timewasters but ultimately harmless wannabes”) and the lazier bloggers who spend their days reading entries from professional writers on established media websites, witlessly and pedantically criticising every single article (“Lonely, twisted, nerdy, illiterate failures.”).

The report concludes by saying that if the seemingly exponential growth of blogging is not halted soon, Western Society will come to a standstill; no-one will be doing any work as we’ll all be too busy pretending we’re interesting and erudite writers and social commentators. Like Stephen Fry or something. And then we’ll all starve to death and probably get eaten by the Nazis.

We approached one of the World’s most famous bloggers, gossip columnist Perez Hilton, for his reaction to the report. He said, with his customary caustic wit and eloquence “Oooh, now that Lindsay Lohan? She is suuuch a sluuut!”

Seeking a more relevant comment to the world of the ‘blogosphere,’ we met up with Britain’s top blogger, Francis Grink, for lunch. Mr Grink said “I’m sorry but I don’t appear to be able to express my emotions or personality on this, or indeed any other, issue in person. I’ll have to send you an email to describe my views OK?”

Later that day Mr Grink’s email response arrived. It contained all of his feelings about the report which damned his entire life’s work and said “:-(”

Hamburglar 'Not Guilty' Of Cop Slaying

2007-10-30T14:30:00.000Z

The Hamburglar was sensationally released from Death Row yesterday after the Appeal Court overturned his conviction for the brutal murder of a policeman.

The Appeal Court judges ruled unanimously that the murder could not have been committed by The Hamburglar as new CCTV evidence clearly corroborated his alibi that he was busy at that time, stealing beefburgers from scummy people’s babies’ prams.

In the original trial the jury heard several witness testimonies describing a “strange-looking character” who was “loitering around, looking very shifty” near the scene of the sickening slaying. The Prosecution managed to convince the jury that the only person who could possibly fit that description was The Hamburglar.

Their argument was that the many-times convicted burger thief was foiled in an opportunistic attempt to purloin a package of patties by a passing patrolman. And in a blind panic, with the fear that he may have to go back to prison, he hit the unfortunate officer on the back of the head with a comedic object, thought to be a vase. The policeman was killed instantly by the head trauma, with the perpetrator hastily fleeing the scene.

The Court apologised to The Hamburglar for the “unfortunate misunderstanding” and hoped he would be able to “laugh about it one day”. A spokesman confirmed that he is due to be granted an official pardon at City Hall tomorrow by Mayor McCheese.

However, if The Hamburglar definitely did not commit the murder, and a city mayor with a hamburger for a face says he didn’t, then who did?

Police have been ordered to re-open this case and we understand they may just have a new lead. One witness has apparently come forward to say that they overheard a food-related business deal go bad at the location of the crime scene, whereby a shambling figure was clearly heard to be swindling hamburgers from an undercover cop. His chilling words were “I will gladly pay you Tuesday for one hamburger today”.

Police have released the following sketch of the suspect and asked if anybody recognises the man to call their special hit squad on 0800 LAW. They said that he is likely to be armed and dangerous and warned the public not to approach him under any circumstances.

Beeb Unveil New Reality Show

2007-10-25T22:43:00.000+01:00

Brace yourselves bastards, because Yesterdays Knews is bringing you a red-hot sizzling showbiz scoop.

Hot off the presses is the news that BBC1 is planning on unveiling a dynamite new Saturday night reality-entertainment show.

Details are unconfirmed at the time of going to press but what we do is that it involves several public schoolmasters competing against each other to anally-rape the guy who used to play Sam Malone in TV's Cheers.

All we know for certain at this stage is that is that the working title is "Strictly Bum Danson".

ITV ‘Fix’ Fixed Phone-In Phone Vote

2007-10-25T14:07:00.000+01:00

Beleaguered ITV chiefs faced a fresh fraud scandal last night as details emerged that the public telephone vote to decide the punishment of Chief Executive Michael Grade, for the channel’s fixing of numerous TV phone votes, has itself been fixed.

Mr Grade had agreed to take full responsibility for the “systematic” defrauding of thousands of ITV viewers who had been encouraged to call premium-rate numbers to enter competitions they had no chance of winning.

It was revealed only last week by independent auditors called in by Mr Grade himself, that the channel had dishonestly availed itself of over £7million of its viewers money. However, to prevent the company from losing its most high-profile culprits and biggest stars, Ant and Dec, Mr Grade opted to carry the can personally.

So, ever the showman, Grade announced an exciting one-off premium-rate telephone vote, where ripped-off ITV viewers could choose his punishment. Several options were made available, such as putting Mr Grade in the stocks outside ITV HQ and being pelted with foodstuffs or tying him to a cross on the top of Ben Nevis with only larger-than-life ex-Emmerdale actress and former ‘You’ve Been Framed’ host, Lisa Riley for company.

Millions of people rang in and it is widely believed that the punishment that actually received by far the highest number of votes was for Mr Grade to be paraded in front of his own cameras wearing women’s underwear while Chris Tarrant injected him with cat Aids.

So there was widespread surprise when ITV announced last night that the result of the public poll was for Grade to “just be let off really and let’s all forget about this silly business and get on with making quality television”. Suspicions were first aroused when it was noticed by crack investigative reporter Donal Macintyre, that this eventuality was never actually included in the phone vote as an option.

The result was confirmed as bogus when top media insiders established that ITV has never made, and does not appear to have any plans for making, any “quality television”.

When confronted with our findings, ITV head of finance Frank Abagnale said “Did we fiddle the punishment vote? Call 0898 123456 01 for ‘Yes’ and 0898 123456 02 for ‘No’. Calls are charged at 69p per minute and there may be a standard network charge. If you’re under 18, please get the permission of the bill payer before you call. Not all calls will be successful but all calls WILL be charged.”

Your Comments : Our Replies

2007-10-10T12:47:00.000+01:00

We have noticed that after nearly two years in operation, this website has finally had a few comments from you, the general public. So, seeing as we’re polite, we intend to add a new feature where we address your comments in detail.

Now my colleague Mr Jordan has already dealt with anonymous’ comments of the 4th October concerning the Dr Fox / Liam Fox conundrum and the Cameron v Brown cock-off so there’s no more to be said there other than well done and thank you. It’s nice to see people joining in.

As for the second comment (also by an anonymous poster) received on our hugely-popular political cock-out scoop which said:

“Has the author of this article got a fetish for men’s cocks it seems to be a running theme?”

Firstly, can I just say hello and welcome to the site Mr Davidson. Glad to see you’ve recovered from your recent reality-television meltdown. Although, really what are you doing on here in the first place?

Secondly, you are quite wrong to allege a strong cock bias on this staunchly liberal website. We at Yesterdays Knews are proud to be genitally-neutral in our reporting stance. For proof of this, look up our old feature about German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s fanny operation.

Anyway, as it seems that even our least-subtle attempts at humour have proven too avant-garde for you, it seems only right that you should now leave. Yes, I mean you, comic genius. I’m talking to you. Go on fuck off. I’m not joking. If you can’t get simple (although admittedly not very funny) references to macho political one-upmanship, you don’t deserve to be here. So do one. Prick.

Right. Everyone else happy? Good. Well that’s all for now but don’t forget to keep posting your comments and we’ll be back to abuse another lucky reader this time next week.

New Kid In The Grid

2007-10-08T18:14:00.000+01:00

A 10 year old girl got trapped down a grid yesterday and had to be rescued by firemen.

The Pyjama wearing youngster was playing with friends when she saw her 2 year old brother near the open drain. Unfortunately, in trying to protect her brother, she slipped and fell and became lodged in the sewerage hole.

Firemen took over 1 hour to rescue the child, with some officers having to receive treatment for abdominal discomfort through laughing so hard!!

To anonymous..you know who you are..

2007-10-05T00:02:00.000+01:00

Yesterday's Knews would like to thank all of you out there who have responded with encouraging comments with regard to our work on this site. A mention must go out to Mr, or is it Miss, Anonymous, who contacts us on regular occasions to provide a moment of wisdom.

Recent comments from Anon, as he or she is affectionately know in Knews towers are as follows:

In regards to the post, "Cameron will get is cock out for votes", Anon has written "I must admit the thought of david cameron and gordon brown having a cock stand off fills me with dread."

Further to this, a recent article entitled "Army In Firing Line For Drastic Cuts" received this encouraging response "Very funny but surely Dr Liam Fox and Dr Fox the DJ are both one and the same or have I been listening to the wrong crap radio show?"

I can assure Anon that Yes! they have been listening to crap radio shows, and if they would like to confront their fears, Mr Cameron and PM Mr Brown would be happy to arrange a visit to their home where a suitable arena could be set up for the cock fight of the century.

For tickets to the event, log onto CockMaster http://www.misnomer.org/images/throwpeople_lg_nyt4.jpg or alernatively, open your front room window and shout "I need cock badly!!" to receive alternative arrangements.

Cameron Will Get His Cock Out For Votes

2007-10-03T16:51:00.000+01:00

David Cameron promised today that if the Conservatives win the next General Election and he becomes PM, he will appear naked on the 6 O’Clock news to show the nation his penis.

The sensational pledge was made to round-off his keynote speech at the Conservative Party conference in Blackpool this afternoon. To a rapturous reception by a clearly-mesmerized crowd, Mr Cameron said:

“Please Great Britain. Oh and Northern Ireland of course. I urge you, vote for me. If you let me be Prime Minister, I’ll show you all my magnificent cock. And my balls, they’re no slouches either I can tell you. Like two granite boulders but with wispy moss hanging off them. In a sexy way obviously. Now can you expect to get that from Gordon Brown? Pfff, I don’t think so!”

Quick as flash, the PM responded to Mr Cameron’s bold claims:

“If David Cameron thinks he’s the only party leader with telegenic genitals, he’s in for a surprise my fellow Britons. In fact, I will say to you now, people of Britain, that you have nothing to fear from the Tory’s twizzler. When I crush Dave ‘The Rave’ in next month’s poll, Britain will see a proud, Presbyterian prick glistening in the morning light of Downing Street. A prick that will stand for a thousand years! Hahahaha!”

The Liberal Democrats’ high command have already intimated that they are not looking to follow-suit in the knob-out stakes, saying that the whole thing “demeans politics”. Although, it is believed that their reluctance to join in actually stems from the fact that the party’s focus groups found there was no discernible interest in seeing Ming’s maggot.

Ladies, why not let us know what you think. Would you like to see “Dishy” Dave’s dong? Or would you prefer to feast your eyes on Brown’s boner? Choose your weapon carefully though. The future of the country might depend on it!

Soap Character Makes Unwise Decision

2007-09-20T17:07:00.000+01:00

Shock news has reached us of a potentially-disastrous development for a character in a major British soap opera.

The character, who cannot be named for legal reasons, is believed to have made a rash decision which could have terrible repercussions on their business and possibly even their marriage.

It is unclear at present as to why the protagonist would behave in such an unexpectedly cavalier manner. However, internet chatrooms have been all aflutter with conjecture and half-baked rumour-mongering. The most plausible theory being that the character’s behaviour-patterns have been sent off-kilter by the recent arrival in the village (or town, street or square) of the human baby they didn’t know they had.

Whether or not the mistake can be rectified before numerous lives are ruined, only time will tell.

Meanwhile, a married man and an engaged-to-be-married woman are having an affair, causing her to have grave doubts about going through with her impending nuptials. To the man’s best friend!

New Tory Outrage Over ‘Sick’ TV Show

2007-09-14T13:02:00.000+01:00

Conservative lobbyists have called for a new late-night digital television programme to be banned before it airs tonight. The show, ‘Danger Wanks’, is to be broadcast on recently-established digital channel Bongo TV.

Preview tapes of ‘Danger Wanks’ have been widely distributed to the media in a blitzkrieg publicity campaign by the channel in an attempt to whip up a storm of controversy.

The blurb suggests that the show contains moderately-pornographic images of naked women exploring their bodies for approximately two minutes at a time. Spliced footage of incongruous topics is then edited in.

We asked Jack Der Ripper, creative director of Bongo TV to explain the point of this bizarre televisual experiment.

“Well it’s called Danger Wanks, because we show the good stuff like naked ladies soaping themselves up to encourage our male viewers to wank themselves off. But there’s a twist.

After exactly two minutes and fourteen seconds of each porno scene (which scientists have discovered is the exact amount of time it takes to get to the vinegar strokes while knocking one out when hunched over the TV screen) we cut away to an image designed to disturb you as you reach climax. That’s the challenge. Can you toss against the clock or will you face the danger of blurting your load over a deeply inappropriate piece of film that could psychologically scar you for life?”

In tonight’s pilot episode, we have been promised footage of a beautiful Latvian woman indulging a bit of nude car washing to get you up the runway, which is then replaced after the standard two minutes and fourteen seconds, with film of Michael Parkinson spitting on a hen.

Prominent Tory and Mary Whitehouse-devotee Geoffrey Preen of the perpetually outraged Scaremongerers Group is leading the charge to have the show pulled from the schedules after witnessing first-hand the damage that can be inflicted.

“I attended a public screening of this despicable programme at the Roxy in Soho last week and I could barely believe what I was witnessing.

One minute I’m happily ensconced in the back row, vigorously tugging away at my proud member of parliament while ogling a lovely young thing on the big screen. When, suddenly and without any warning, I end up spilling my hot porridge oats all over my lap to shots of Inch High Private Eye. You know, the cartoon private eye who is only an inch high. Needless to say, I am now a paedophile.”

If you’re brave enough, 'Danger Wanks' is on Bongo TV at 11.30 tonight. Why not give it a look? And be sure to let us know if you have been mentally or emotionally affected by it. Especially if you develop a kinky fetish for poultry-abuse as we happen to have a few chickens in a field that we might let you borrow for a reasonable price. Just think about it anyway yeah?

Jim Davidson : An Apology

2007-09-13T13:34:00.000+01:00

You may have noticed in our Hell’s Kitchen special report last week, that we described ‘nick nick’ comic Jim Davidson as “a racist”.

We now accept that this is inaccurate. He is also a misogynist. Oh and a homophobe. And a bitter, twisted, self-pitying, bullying, Sun-reading, shit snooker quiz-presenting, bankrupt, lifeboat-obsessed, suit-wearing, washed-up, snivelling, rodent-faced, carrot-topped, four-eyed fuck. And he badly wanted to bum Marco Pierre White. So who's the 'shirt-lifter' now eh?

Once again, Jim, we’re sorry. Hope this sets the record straight.

Did Rival Take a Potts Shot at Pavarotti?

2007-09-07T17:30:00.000+01:00

Worrying news has reached us this afternoon that Italian police have received an anonymous tip indicating that the death of opera-legend Luciano Pavorotti may not have been due to natural causes.

It is believed that the Carabinieri have now received four telephone calls, each one from a different informant. All however, sang their information in similarly irritating opera-lite style in upper-middle class English accents. A bit like Tim Henman apparently. But not actually him. He’s got an alibi apparently. He was otherwise engaged telephonically-speaking, as he was wanking over popular sexline 0891 Jizz In My Face You Tiger.

Our source in the Modena Police Department informed us that in all calls, the same name was revealed as a suspect for the potential murder of Signor Pavarotti. That man was none other than Britain’s Got Talent winner, Paul Potts. The callers are alleging that the Elizabeth Duke operatic-style warbler has become so hungry for success that he would stop at nothing to ensure his recognition as the finest singer in the World. And if that meant undertaking a covert and highly-implausible scheme to murder his hero, then that was the price he was willing to pay.

It is not thought that Paul Potts’ mentor, lego-haired music mogul Simon Cowell, had any knowledge of this plan according to the secret informants. Although they did comment that Cowell was “a flipping rotter for letting that grinning Jewish oaf Steve Brookstein beat them in the final of X-Factor 1” before panicking and slamming the phone down immediately.

We tracked down Paul Potts this afternoon, hiding out in his modest North Wales home. We attempted to ask him if he had any comment to make about these scurrilous allegations but he could only stand on his front step and sing “Donna e mobile” (that’s Paolo Di Canio to you, football fans) to our reporter. But instead of singing the actual words, he belted out “Fuck off you piece of shit, G4 are fucking dead.” Make of that what you will friends.

Fresh Fakes For Sale in Hell's Kitchen

2007-09-04T13:27:00.000+01:00

ITV are today facing up to a new faking scandal as reports surface that things on their new reality show Hell’s Kitchen, are not quite what they seem.

We have come into possession of a dossier that clearly proves this programme is a big fat phoney.

The first incident of clear misrepresentation occurred in their promotional literature, where racist Ian Beale-doppelganger, Jim Davidson, was described as “a comedian”. This claim alone would be enough to sink the production’s credibility, seeing as how it has been a matter of public record that the weasel-faced, ginger, bigoted talent-void has never said or done, either accidentally or purposefully, anything funny in his shameful waste of a life.

The misleading of the public continues apace. Likeable Big Brother 2 winner Brian Dowling was billed as a “television presenter”. However, when we conducted a straw poll on the streets of London this morning, no-one from a hundred people asked, could name any programme Mr Dowling has ever presented. (Although, our legal team have asked us to point out the fact that this does not technically constitute proof in a court of law. Well that, and the fact that the only people we could find who would speak to us were tramps, who we plied with Tesco Value lager, and who, unsurprisingly, did not seem to own even one television set amongst them. )

Once you add to these TV crimes (see what we did there?) the revelation that Hell’s Kitchen itself is not even a restaurant but is in fact a temporary television studio done out to be like a restaurant then it is clear that the viewing populace is being defrauded on a massive scale.

We contacted ITV chiefs with our evidence this morning and asked them if they had anything to say on the matter. Shamefully, they dismissed our bombshell claims as “the worst kind of cock” and pointed out the sheer pointlessness of a made-up news-reporting website pretending to be in possession of bogus allegations of imaginary fakery. But then again, they would say that wouldn’t they?

NFL Star Vick ‘Raised By Wolves’

2007-08-30T17:21:00.000+01:00

The investigation into the dog fighting ring allegedly run by American Football superstar Michael Vick, yesterday took a most unexpected turn.

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Vick pleaded guilty to organising dog fights and killing those dogs that were not considered tough enough to ‘make the grade’. However, he then dropped a bombshell on prosecutors in an attempt to receive leniency. He claimed that, to him, such behaviour is completely normal owing to the fact that he was brought-up by a pack of wolves.

Vick’s extraordinary affidavit stated that he was abandoned as a child and discovered next to a riverbed by a family of wolves, who took pity on the child and opted to raise him as their own.

Vick argues that his lupine upbringing has left him unable to fully integrate into civilised society, causing him to seek out the company of dangerous dogs for comfort. The only way he could do this, apparently, without revealing his shameful secret, was to run a dog fighting ring.

A tearful Vick could only say at yesterday’s press conference “I don’t wanna take anything away from my mom and pops, Fang and Martin, because I appreciate what they did for me so much. But I got so used to hanging around with big, crazy dog-like creatures with sharp teeth and a vicious blood-lust that I just missed them like crazy.”

What effect this remarkable declaration will have on Judge Clarence Beekes’ sentencing is impossible to predict. However an un-named source close to the judge told us that unless Mr Vick’s actual human parents, Alfred and Marcy, manage to metamorphosise just like Michael J Fox did in 'Teen Wolf' in the courtroom, then he (Vick) is “going down for a ten-stretch, the slag”.

We’re Back. Hooray!

2007-08-29T16:58:00.000+01:00

Hello again to our loyal band of readers with too much time on your hands. After a lengthy summer break, your favourite sub-standard, hastily-cobbled-together, made-up news website is back to bring you the stories that no-one else could be arsed to think up.

A lot has happened since we were last bothered to update here, so here is a quick summary of the global news events we missed while we were “away”.

The UK was hit by flash floods causing death (well a few) and devastation throughout Yorkshire and the South-East. Although, judging by the English media coverage you’d be forgiven for thinking they’d suffered a biblical storm so mighty that it could bum rape Hurricane Katrina and make her it’s bitch for life.

Forest fires have raged throughout Greece destroying everything in their wake and killing hundreds of people. Or to put it another way, this is a proper life-threatening disaster on a huge and terrifying scale. But do we see any coverage of this in the British news? Do we shite. Why? Because apparently, dead foreign people don’t count as much as a vicar in Cirencester’s Renault getting a bit damp.

The battle for next year’s US Presidential nominations continued apace with some fascinating televised debates revealing that oh, alright then we didn’t watch any of them. But really, did you? Honestly? Go on then, what happened? Why not let us know in the Comments box below if you can remember any inspiring pieces of oratory and haven’t yet lost the will to live.

And finally, a roundup of news in brief:

Big Brother 8 stumbles pathetically to its conclusion like a Scotsman on his way home from an all-night All-the-fortified wine-you can-drink-for a pound party.

Female celebrities have gone mental:

Britney Spears (pissed/ loony/ bald)

Lindsay Lohan (pissed/ arrested/ pissed/ arrested-again)

Amy Winehouse (pissed/ unwell/ pissed/ married/ pissed/ on drugs/ suicide attempt/ drugs collapse/ rehab/ pissed again/ more drugs/ new Pete Doherty etc,etc,etc)

Barry Bonds made baseball history by breaking Hank Aaron’s all-time home-run record. Oh and the Tour De France was once again blighted by numerous doping offences.

(NB- The preceding two sentences just happen to be next to each other to save space and for absolutely no other reason whatsoever.)

Princess Diana, after 10 years, is still dead.

David Cameron is still a twat.

Aliens Live Among Us?

2007-07-05T01:48:00.001+01:00

It is 60 years since the world heard the words flying saucer to depict an unidentified flying object in the sky. And since that moment, millions of people around the globe have claimed to have seen or been visited by beings from another planet. Today we look at some of the reports from the archives of the NUTAS, the National Union of Terrestrial Accounts.

1957, Waco, Texas - Mr Charles Kock saw a large saucepan shaped object flying quickly towards him whilst arguing with his wife. Mr Kock suddenly lost conciousness and was later found on the kitchen floor with a large bruise on his head and a cucumber in his rectum.

1963, Sodhall, Wilts - Mrs Barbara Whire awoke one summers evening to a presence in her room, a humanoid type creature entered her bed and began to babble in an incoherant language, before trying and failing to probe Mrs Whire with a limp flesh like protusion.

1946, Witeshew, Connecticut- Miss Ophelia Tippend was being driven home by her boyfriend when the car unexpectedly ran out of fuel near a layby. Miss Tippend claims that her boyfriend, Mr Airy Bush, was possessed by an alien being and attempted a 'cross gender insemination'. Miss Tippen awoke the next day to find her boyfriend missing and 9 months later, her alien love child was born. The boy, George, was last seen applying for governor of Texas...

PM Brown Takes Credit For Journalist Release

2007-07-04T17:26:00.000+01:00

Prime Minister Gordon Brown today announced that he was the driving force behind the sensational release of kidnapped BBC journalist Alan Johnston.

Mr Brown called an emergency press conference at 11am this morning in response to claims from Hamas that they had secured Mr Johnston’s freedom from a rival terrorist group. Addressing the nation’s press the PM said:

“Many of you will have watched last weekend’s thrilling season finale of Doctor Who in which the Doctor, very ably played by my fellow Scotsman David Tennant I must add, released himself, and then the planet Earth, from the evil clutches of The Master by tapping himself into the worldwide psychic network. You remember?

Well, that’s pretty much what I did to obtain Alan Johnston’s release from the evil clutches of The Army of Islam. For the last year now, whilst my predecessor Tony ‘Tony’ Blair was waging war with all and sundry in an inexplicably immoral attempt to assuage his blood-lust, I myself had wired into the universe-wide psychic network. My aim was merely to save Britons in peril as a result of Blair’s crackpot campaign in the Middle East.

Secretly, I had sent my acolytes David Milliband and Ed Balls around the world to persuade every person on the planet to say just one word at precisely 6am this morning. That word was ‘Brown’. The sheer force of six billion people chanting ‘Brown, Brown’ was enough to make the kidnappers spontaneously combust in a huge mushroom cloud of their own faeces and fanaticism. The release of Alan Johnston was then a formality.”

It was put to Mr Brown that no-one present in the room had actually done such a thing, nor had they spoken to anyone who had got up especially early just to start shouting the word Brown. Except comedian Graham ‘Norto’ Norton obviously. But he is known to do this every morning for reasons best kept to himself. Anyway, the PM continued:

“Well of course! That’s the clever bit. After the shit-based psychic channelling managed to release the journalist, I decided to put the world back to the way it was just before-hand so that none of you would remember what grave danger we were all in. And I would have left it at that until those glory-hunting rascals in Hamas decided to steal the credit.”

We tried to get a reaction to the PM’s sensational claims from the Leader of the Opposition, David Cameron. Unfortunately, Mr Cameron was weeping uncontrollably. His child-like wails were only punctuated by a forlorn lament that the Phillips screwdriver in his hand did not magically open stuff like the Doctor’s.

LibDem leader Ming Campbell offered to comment on the controversial speech, but really, life’s too short. So we put Mr Brown’s ‘points’ to the man he replaced as PM, Tony Blair. Mr Blair could only snarl “What an utter fucking one-eyed shitbag.”

Hairdresser Fingered For Armed Raid

2007-06-29T17:36:00.000+01:00

A hairdresser accused of helping four men disguise themselves for the biggest robbery in Britain said that she assumed she was making them costumes for a video or theatrical performance, an Old Bailey jury heard yesterday.

Michelle Pigg, 31, from Woolwich, south-east London, was the first person arrested by Kent police over the £53m robbery of the Securitas depot in Tonbridge, Kent, in February last year. She is one of eight pleading not guilty to conspiracy to rob, pilfer, tief and steal and also to handling men’s dicks. She refused to name the four men because she “didn’t know their names”. Or so she says. The lying bitch. (Probably.)

Ms Pigg, who studied theatrical make-up at the London College of Fashion, was arrested the day after the robbery at her home. She had agreed to make the outfits and disguises for the robbers after meeting, then subsequently being vaginally-penetrated over the pool table by, the ringleader, Bill Carr, in an East London public house.

She admitted to making the balaclavas, black-and-white strpey jumpers, cloth caps and Zorro-style eye strips but said that she genuinely believed that Mr Carr and his friends were using these in an upcoming theatre production of Miss Saigon. This so-called production never went ahead.

Ms Pigg was asked by the Prosecuting counsel, Mr Geoffrey Tambor, QC, if she didn’t “smell a rat” when she was then asked to make two-dozen Hessian sacks with the word “SWAG” embroidered on the outside. She replied that she thought these were to represent the mountains of Northern Saigon in the seemingly-rather cut-price production.

Her testimony was shockingly interrupted when Mr Carr shouted several minutes of barely comprehensible cockney abuse at Pigg from the dock. It seemed that Carr was alleging that Ms Pigg is a “slag”, a “fat brass” and a “slack-fannied mess”. He also went on to threaten to “grass her house”, whatever that means.

Following this unexpected interjection, the judge, His Honour Judge Peregrine Falcon, adjourned the case until tomorrow morning.

Don’t Try This At Home

2007-06-27T14:22:00.000+01:00

Authorities are concerned that wrestling fans may be tempted to copy the bizarre murder-suicide of WWE star Chris Benoit, a report says today.

The report, published by family action group Campaign for Real American Parents (C.R.A.P), explains that the most vulnerable members of society, children and retards, are also the most likely to be devotees of the WWE. It states:

“There can be huge peer-group pressure amongst groups of under-evolved and, frankly common, wrestling enthusiasts to try to re-create the antics of their heroes. We appeal to them, and their carers, please do not murder your wife and child, before, in a likely fit of guilt and remorse, killing yourself. These acts of psychosis are performed by highly-experienced, immensely drugged-up professionals. Please don’t try this at home.”

We contacted Dr Robert Winston, an expert in child-psychology, to see if the actions of Benoit, nicknamed ‘The Canadian Crippler’, may influence British grapple-fans.

He said “It is certainly true that the very lowest strata of humanity, intelligence-wise, can be the most susceptible to copy-cat behaviour, regardless of the morality of such behaviour. Now, if you were to tell me that most or all of these fuckwits watch this dreadful WWF nonsense obsessively, then I would conclude that yes, it is pretty likely that they will want to ‘ape’ the behaviour of the icons they stare at so blankly on their TV screens.”

Dr Winston failed to back our campaign to ban this filth from our television schedules, however, arguing that whilst “we could be in imminent danger of becoming a nation of over-muscular, freakishly veiny, steroid-munching lycra-wearing, frat-boy freaks-of-nature”, the prospect of losing a few thousand “shit-for-brained, obese peasants” from British society could only be a good thing.

Clarkson Rapped Over Gay Car Jibe

2007-05-25T16:55:00.000+01:00

Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson was slammed today by TV regulators for making a homophobic remark on the hit BBC2 show.

In a January edition of the weekly motoring magazine, Clarkson, 44, referred to a car as “a bit ginger beer”, which is thought to be rhyming slang for "queer”, a pejorative term for homosexuals.

OFCOM, the regulatory body responsible for British television, launched an inquiry after receiving five complaints from viewers about the remark. It is not known whether the complainants were actually pillow-biters themselves but “it seems pretty likely”, according to our secret TV source.

After the seven-week investigation was concluded, OFCOM ruled that Clarkson had brought television into disrepute and caused great offence to gays everywhere, pathetic and unattractive women who desperately crave the attention of gays, the car (which is resolutely hetero), the car’s family and friends, ginger beer drinkers, ginger-haired people, ginger nut biscuits and communists.

This is not the first time the plain-speaking TV host and journalist has courted controversy with his no-nonsense remarks. In August 1998 he was reprimanded by his BBC paymasters for saying that the French need to “just fuck off” and he offended many animal-rights activists in November 2003 saying they “should all die like rats”.

Clarkson was unrepentant last night at his luxury home in the Isle of Man. He said he would reluctantly apologise for the remark but not in the way the complainants would be expecting:

“I am sorry…..I suppose. Now I wish I hadn’t gone with the ginger beer reference. I think I ought to have said something more oblique. Like saying the car was ‘a tad lemonade’.”

When questioned as to the relevance of ‘lemonade’ Jezza boomed:

“Come on! The gays love sticking lemons up each other’s arses. And they’ve all got Aids!”

Mick Hits Back At ‘Tight’ Claim

2007-05-18T17:28:00.000+01:00

Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger has hit back at claims by his ex-wife Jerry Hall that he was "tight".

In an exclusive chat with our showbiz correspondent, Polly Twatt, a clearly incensed Jagger sought to put the record straight, saying Hall’s claims were “absurd”.

“I have been hanging around with too many degenerate, self-styled bohemian, pretend art-types for the past thirty years for my little freckle to still be tight, I can tell you. I'd say I'm pretty loose, if anything.

She (Jerry) knows as well I do that back in the 70’s me, Elton, Bowie and Freddie always had our fingers up each others’ man-holes. It was just the done thing at the time and so what if I have to wear ManPampers nowadays? I’m loaded aren’t I?”

Jagger did not confirm whether or not he intended to sue Ms Hall for impugning his hard-fought reputation as a thoroughly grubby, debased sexual pervert for our time as he is still in discussions with his legal team, Cuthbert, Dibble & Grub.

We asked top London barrister, Mr Percy Oswestry QC, for his views on the potential court case. He told us that he thought it “unlikely” under the British legal system that a case would be brought to court concerning a matter so “fundamentally unsound”.

Mr Oswestry also informed us that he once “inserted a Toffee Crisp bar into Michael Parkinson’s botty” but had to run away when it started melting.

Our New Blog

2007-05-17T16:37:00.000+01:00

Well, we've been at this blog lark on and off for around 8 months now and its been enjoyable. Myself, Greg and Dave have been writing comedy scripts for a number of years and we have now set up a new blog where we will be presenting our sketches. If you enjoy comedy, check out our new blog and give us some feedback. You can find our new blog at http://comedyscripts.blogspot.com/

Cheers

MJ

Oooh La La! ‘Gay’ Paris Set For Jailhouse Skin Flick

2007-05-11T16:54:00.000+01:00

Celebrity heiress Paris Hilton now looks certain be sent to be sent to prison next month after her appeal was thrown out today.

In a decision that is bound to horrify the emaciated trollop, California District Judge Dick Nasty ruled that there were no legal grounds to appeal a jail sentence based simply on the basis that the guilty party didn’t really want to go.

He also disregarded the online petition set up by Miss Hilton’s friends and acolytes as irrelevant, saying

“Just because 20,000 simpletons somehow manage to type their names on a pathetic and frankly illiterate plea for mercy on behalf of a convicted criminal, it matters not a jot to me. I have already gone to substantial expense setting up special spy cameras throughout the KD Lang Memorial Detention Center and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to return on my investment!”

With her appeal now failed, Miss Hilton is due to begin her sentence on 5th June and we can reveal that her fellow prisoners are eagerly awaiting her entrance. There is palpable excitement within the prison that anyone fortunate enough to bag themselves a bit of enforced lesbianism with Hilton, on hidden camera of course, will inevitably attain fame and notoriety of their own.

Our pornography correspondent, Tom Hank, believes there is already a fierce bidding war taking place between the adult movie world’s most powerful players for the exclusive rights to the as-yet unmade feature. The un-named smut-merchants who are offering in excess of $10 million for the 'banged up' girl-on-girl filth are thought to be Terry "The Assman" Lawson and Spank Productions overlord John Leslie.

One thing we do know for sure is that Miss Hilton looks certain to increase her already obscene personal fortune when the movie is finally “accidentally” released later next month.

Hugh Bully! Actor Grant Accused Of Being a Bean Turd

2007-05-03T13:32:00.000+01:00

Actor Hugh Grant has been arrested over an allegation of assault with a deadly weapon after battering a photographer with a tin of baked beans.

Snapper Ian Watkins told the Daily Jugs newspaper he was kicked in the groin before the vicious attack with the beans.

Apparently Grant was enraged that the paparazzo had been standing around taking photographs of his own genitalia instead of capturing “action shots” of Mr Grant leaving his agent’s office in Mayfair.

Grant, 46, demanded that Mr Watkins “put that thing away” and “do your job, please, if err, it wouldn’t , you know, err be too much trouble, err, err”

The terrifying ordeal was witnessed by a local shopkeeper, Beverley Allitt, who said that Grant was clearly provoked by the snapper who wittily told Mr Grant to “clear off back to Notting Hill, actor boy”. Grant took a moment to fully absorb the cruel and hateful barb, before running straight at the pap and delivering a massive boot to his testicular area.

Sensing that this was clearly insufficient punishment for such a disgraceful verbal offensive, Hugh Grant then went into his suit jacket pocket and pulled out a tin of Heinz beans. Grant then proceed to smash the snapper’s head in with the beans, raining down blows and only pausing briefly when the tin burst open, to greedily gobble up the split baked bean goodness that only Heinz can deliver.

Eventually, with his blood-lust craved by the astonishing rampage, Grant is believed to have taunted his alleged victim with a tin of All-day Breakfast saying that he was “a no-mark” and that he “would never make it in life to enjoy gourmet treats such as tinned eggs, bacon, beans and sausages made out of chicken.” After devouring the whole tin without cutlery (eyewitnesses stated that the actor used his improvisation skills and used the chicken-sausages as a knife and fork) Grant left the scene and did not re-emerge until his arrest yesterday.

We asked the amiable comedians and co-hosts of the Friday Night Project, Justin Lee Collins and Alan Carr, to sum up the effect this might have on Hugh Grant’s career. And to end the piece with a few fairly inoffensive puns, obviously. Justin said:

“The Grant, he does love his Heinz doesn’t he? Well he’s gonna be looking forward to receiving 57 varieties of bum rape if he gets sent down for this!”

Alan ooh-erred “And the next sausages he’ll be eating, won’t be made out of chicken either.”

Justin retorted “No Al, they’ll be cocks.”

Napkin-Sleeve Crow In Skiddy Knickers Shocker

2007-04-25T17:08:00.000+01:00

Singer Sheryl Crow has said a ban on using too much toilet paper should be introduced to help the environment.

When asked how much was too much Crow responded with the astonishing suggestion that any more than “one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required".

The 45-year-old, who originally made the comments on her website, has just toured the US on a biodiesel-powered bus to raise awareness about climate change.

She teamed up with environmental activist and wife of comedy genius Larry David with the disturbingly-familiar sounding name, Laurie David, for the shows. The pair targeted 11 university campuses to persuade students to help combat the world's environmental problems.

Our reporter quizzed Crow on what she meant by a “pesky occasion” to which she replied “you know, plop-plops, making big toilet?” The lavatory correspondent of a downmarket tabloid newspaper asked Crow to confirm if by this she meant “having a shite” but the singer was unwilling to confirm this.

Crow defended her crackpot scheme against claims that it was unworkable and, well, a crackpot scheme by saying that two to three sheets was a luxury to anyone in the Armed Forces, who, apparently, only get one sheet each and have to wrap it around their index finger, only to then stick said finger up their fundaments to carefully extract the faeces from the anus.

Crow said it was a straight choice for us all to make “We can either all get used to having a bit of ass stuck under our fingernails or drown to death in a global warming tidal wave or something”.

Crow's environmental opinions are not limited to toilet paper. She also believes paper napkins "represent the height of wastefulness". So she has therefore designed a clothing line which features a detachable "dining sleeve" that wearers can use to wipe their mouth while eating. Her plans for environmentally-friendly tampons made of dog’s tails are, according to the singer, still in development.

Corrections

2007-04-25T16:39:00.000+01:00

In our TV Crimes feature, below, we said that Gordon Brown received the postcard addressed simply to "Scottish C**t". We now understand that this was not the case and would like to sincerely apologise to Mr Brown and his family for any distress caused. The postcard in question was actually correctly delivered to Nicky Campbell.

In our article dated 23 April 2007, we used the banner headline : Sir Elton goes cottaging in Cotswolds. We would like to apologise for this error to both Elton and his lover David Furnish for the stress this may have caused. We meant to say “in men's toilets” not “the Cotswolds”.

From our article "Snooker Loopy" of 18th April, we would like to point out that David Vine is a snooker commentator and not, as we said, a rapist.

In our article about the upcoming Budget, dated 15th March, the sub-headline "Madonna is a toothless crack whore" should have read "Interest rate rises hit the poor".

In our article entitled "Lionel Blair Swallows Seamen In Pool Side Incident" we wish to point out that this headline gives the wrong message to Lionel's fan, Mrs Nugget in Battersea. We, of course, meant that he eats cock whilst on holiday, and not miniature toy marines discarded by children.

The capital of Ecuador is, of course, Quito and not, as we stated in our dangerous dogs feature (2nd April), "Jonathan King's Hard Drive".

And finally, in our exclusive interview with Leslie Grantham, in the last line, it should have read "telephone sex lines" and not, as was printed, "Moira Stewart".

Val Takes The Rap For College Tragedy

2007-04-20T17:40:00.000+01:00

It emerged last night that there were sinister forces behind the tragic and senseless massacre at Braintree Technical College, Essex, earlier this week.

In echoes of the Porcupine High School shootings a few years ago when it was believed that the gunmen were influenced to act by their choice of so-called music. News-fans may recall that shock-rocker Marliyn Manson was heavily implicated for supposedly warping the minds of the children with his tuneless pretend heavy-metal.

We can sensationally reveal that this week’s evil killer, Max Von Beann, is also now thought to have turned to violence after being brought up on a daily diet of the seemingly-inoffensive Irish crooner Val Doonican. FBI psych-profilers have pinpointed the music of Doonican, 78, as the major factor contributing to what they have called “the madness” of Max. A senior agent, who wished to remain anonymous, confirmed that listening to one Doonican song in particular, “Paddy McGinty’s Goat”, would be more than sufficient to turn an otherwise law-abiding citizen into a psychotic mass-murderer. When asked how they could possibly prove this the agent said “It just does, cos I said so. Alright?”

Our reporter, Colin Stagg, contacted top music expert and TV nostalgia list show’s second most prolific participant, Paul Morley, to try and verify the FBI’s claims.

Mr Morley said “Oh God yeah, that makes perfect sense to me. Have you ever heard Paddy McGinty’s Goat? Jesus Jones, what sort of sick bastard could possibly dream up something so truly terrifying? I can tell you this much, if anyone locked me up and forced me to listen to Val Doonican, within half an hour I’d be looking to slay at least a thousand fuckers before inevitably turning the gun on myself and firing a high calibre bullet into my own head at point-blank range. Now where's my gun and how do I get to Hungerford?"

Val Doonican was alas unavailable for comment last night but his agent, did happen to mention that Val would be available for this year’s Glastonbury Festival and that he was “very excited” at the prospect of recording a duet with bad-boy rapper Snoop “Doggy” Dogg (providing he hasn’t died by then, or been forced to leave the country by the inevitable hate campaign by certain middle-class, simple-minded, scare-mongering, foreigner-hating newspapers).

‘Panty Boy’ Proves Critics Wrong

2007-04-11T14:26:00.000+01:00

X-Factor loser Ray Quinn is sitting on top of the world after playing to a sold-out audience in his native Liverpool in the final leg of his nationwide tour. And, to put the icing on what is already proving to be a nausea-inducing sickly sweet shitcake, his debut album has recently soared to the top of the album charts.

It only seems like months ago that the “Cheeky Scouser” (TM: all Southern-based tabloid newspapers) was the bookies’ favourite for early elimination from the smash-hit talent show, after incurring the wrath of celebrity judge Sharon Osborne. Showbiz survivor Sharon, 39, had slammed the midget warbler as only being fit for pantomime.

However, Ray now looks to have had the last laugh with his astonishing success and he was in no mood for graciousness towards his earlier critics. He said yesterday

“Well Sharon, what do you think of me now eh you slag? Ha ha I was right and you were wrong! But seriously, how dare she go on national television and call me a panty boy in front of the whole nation? I mean, what’s the big deal if I do like to parade around with women’s knickers stapled to my face in the privacy of my home? We all need to relax after all. I just don’t know how she could have found about it.”

When our interviewer pointed out to Ray that what Sharon had actually called him was Panto Boy, as in Pantomime, as in you're only fit for Pantomime dickhead, he responded “Oh shite.”

Calls For Blogging Code of Conduct After Death Threat Shock

2007-03-28T16:34:00.000+01:00

The support for a blogger hounded by death threats has intensified with some high profile web experts calling for a code of conduct in the blogosphere.

The female blogger at the centre of the row has been shocked to discover that hers is not an isolated incident. It has led her and others to question some of the unwritten rules of blogging and many internet experts believe this could force a re-examination of the way the tight-knit blogging community behaves.

Among those calling for a bloggers' code of conduct is Tim O'Reilly - one of the web's most influential thinkers. He said yesterday:

"I do think we need some code of conduct around what is acceptable behaviour, I would hope that it doesn't come through any kind of regulation it would come through self-regulation."

O’Reilly, whilst being an undoubtedly popular figure in the internet blogging world, is also living proof of the theory that typing up self-obsessed inanities to socially-retarded onanists all day, every day does less than nothing for your command of the English language.

It is believed that the blogger who went public over her death threats has welcomed this news. Speaking from a secret hideout in Paul Eddington Road, Doddiesville, San Antonio, Texas, second house on the left past the Wimpy, hiding just behind the bins, Michelle Fowler said:

“It’s a sad day when you can’t talk about your cat’s bowel movements on the internet without someone threatening to murder you. I guess it’s just lucky I didn’t mention that naked child I’ve got tied up in the garage then, huh?”

Special Feature

2007-03-28T14:20:00.000+01:00

This Much I Know

Martin Clunes, Actor / Comedian, 44, London

I knew I wanted be an actor when I was seven and played Joseph in the school nativity play. I didn’t fluff any of my lines and my parents took me out for ice cream at the end. Magic!

People don’t appreciate how difficult it is to act well until they’ve seen really bad acting.

Contrary to my public image, I’m not a big drinker. When I landed the part of Gary in Men Behaving Badly I went out and bought a Mint Choc Viennetta and ate the whole thing myself!

My idea of self-indulgence is to stuff my face full of ice cream treats. Not the stuff off the ice cream man though, that‘s just wrong.

I’m not really an angry person. But if someone tries to pass off cheapo domestic ice cream cones on me, I’ve been prone to some pretty nasty reactions; let’s just leave it at that.

Therapy isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I was in therapy from the age of 8 til 11 and I don’t feel it helped me at all. It didn’t help me with the nightmares and even now I still wake up screaming over that terrible, terrible day. It’s like I can still feel that 99’er melting in my hands all over again.

You never forget your first Wall’s Feast. Mine was when I was 11 and it was this discovery that encouraged me to quit the therapy. I mean, flaky chocolate, nuts, chocolate ice cream and solid milk chocolate in the middle? Come on! Most importantly though, it was wrapped and came with a stick to hold. That totally changed my life.

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you some serious ready-packaged ice cream products!

I think that I use exclamation marks too often.

Happiness is a hot day in Madrid and a chilled Nestle Maxibon. Half yummy chocolate ice cream and half delicious biscuity wafer. It doesn’t get any better than that I can tell you. Now if only we had them in England……

Politics isn’t for everyone. I wouldn’t say that I’m a very political person myself, but I do get passionate over the really crucial issues. Hence my recent decision to get on my hobby horse and become something of an agitator.

The range of ready-packaged ice cream products available in this country is a disgrace. You just hop on a plane to France, Spain or Italy. Even Germany for God’s sake and you’ll see how bad we have it over here. Every shop and news-stand carries a plethora of them. What do we have? You’re lucky to get a choc ice or a strawberry bleeding mivvy. Who won the bloody war anyway?

My wife thinks I’m being stupid. As always. She may be right, but someone’s got to take a stand. We’re either in Europe or we’re not. And if we are in, then we should enjoy the same ready-packaged ice cream product privileges as our neighbours. Our government are quick enough to hand our fish out to all and sundry after all.

At the end of the day, all you can do is say you’ve tried. And no-one can ever take that away from you.

Clinton 'Barracks' Obama

2007-03-05T21:45:00.000Z

In the Americas, Democratic candidates Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama joined forces with civil rights activists in an attempt to gain the 'black vote'. Both candidates spoke simultaneously to packed congregations in the deeply racist southern state of Alabama.

Mr Obama, speaking at the ATM church announced "I stand on the shoulder of giants!" which was true, as he was standing on top of two burly bodyguards at the time.

Mrs Clinton, 78, spoke of the courage of the 1965 civil rights marches who walked through the town of Selma, on a day which became known as Bloody Sunday. Mrs Clinton appeared to take a line from her husband when she appeared to say "Put it in your hand and start munching towards a better tomorrow". She also appeared to mumble something about wanting Bush to face a tongue lashing.

Fat Boy Not Slim

2007-03-02T19:20:00.000Z

An 8 year old boy weighing 14 stone has been allowed to stay with his mother after a local authority hearing. William 'fatty' Foulkes, 8, heard the news earlier today, and celebrated with a cheeseburger dipped in chocolate and lard.

William recently lost a stone, but found it again later and placed it back with his collection of other rocks and pebbles.

When asked what his favourite musical instrument was, Will replied "The school dinner bell".

Wills mother, Thatsall Foulkes, blames her sons weight problem on 'convenience culture'.

Mrs Foulkes, 89, stated "If they didn't put handles on fridges, he wouldn't be able to get at the Turkey Twizzlers, and its not my fault I can get 15 frozen pizza's into my oven. If they (the Government) want my son to lose wait, they better move me to a bigger house so he can move around more, and increase my handouts, I can't live on 12 hundred pound a week and be expected to buy carrots...can I!?"

Bonkers Blair Sets Unpopular Agenda After Success Of Road Charging

2007-02-21T13:35:00.000Z

Prime Minister Tony Blair, buoyed by the strength of public opposition to his recent idea for additional road charging, has announced that he will be introducing a whole program of new laws that will prove to be the exact opposite of what popular public opinion actually wants.

In a reaction to the news that 1.8 million people signed the online petition to protest against the government’s plans to install spy devices in all motor vehicles for the purpose of charging the motorist by the mile for the ‘privilege’ of using their car, the PM has decided that, in the dying days of his premiership, he really quite likes the idea of being hated by the entire country.

Mr Blair, who has privately admitted to aides that he is actually insane, yesterday announced his plans to “let a series of really foul and unpleasant farts off in the faces of the Great British public.” The program of parliamentary flatulation is to begin immediately with a bill to compulsorily cull all household pets. With clubs and knives. And you will have to murder your pets yourselves, apparently for Health and Safety reasons, while an official from the Ministry of Agriculture repeatedly prods you in the ribs and angrily berates you for your stupidity in owning such a useless drain on the economy, whilst criticising your feeble attempt at slaughter.

Next on the statute books is the new ‘Race Hate’ law. After witnessing the massive public backlash against the racist bullying of Celebrity Big Brother winner Shilpa Shetty by several uneducated members of the working class, Mr Blair has come up with what he hopes to be the least popular and most controversial idea of all time. He is planning to bring back slavery. As the now ranting PM explained, he intended to force into slavery every group and individual he didn’t like very much. When pressed as to who that might be, Blair replied “that’s pretty much all of you. You ungrateful scum, you’re all gonna be mine! Hahahaha! Oh, apart from Cliff Richard obviously. He’s a close personal friend. And no, not like that. Before you start with your filth.”

Blair raced through the remainder of his ‘Disrespect’ Agenda as he said he had an urgent appointment with a violent sex offender. Thus all we can give you is the outline plans that were hurriedly provided. The highlights are shown below:

A bill to make the wearing of hats illegal, under punishment of death.

The immediate appointment of Paul ‘Gary Glitter’ Gadd as Education & Child Welfare Secretary with GCSE’s to be replaced by MGG (Member of the Glitter Gang) rosettes. A-levels will be kept.

Testing of nuclear weapons on provincial towns with names consisting of fewer than six letters.

All lesbian’s nighties to be set on fire on the last Friday of every month.

Tap water to be replaced by vagrants’ urine.

All pornography to be confiscated, destroyed and replaced with OAP jazz-mags and slack granny flicks.

When asked for their reaction to the Prime Minister’s speech, opposition leaders David Cameron and Ming Campbell simultaneously replied “he’s a mad bastard!”

Did Di Die and Dodi Die or Did Dodi do Di up the Doodah and Disappear?

2007-02-21T13:01:00.000Z

The late Princess of Wales, Diana Spencer and her beau Dodi Al Fayed were not actually killed in the now infamous Paris car accident, as we had all believed. In fact they are still alive and well and living in erotic paradise away from the prying eyes of the World’s press.

Sounds crazy? Well, this is the argument put forward in a shock new tv documentary due to be aired next week. The show, part of the BBC’s new Conspiracy Theories series, presents “evidence” gathered by a team of lonely middle-aged housewives who simply refused to accept that the Queen of Hearts was no longer with us on this mortal coil.

In a special sneak preview of the show, we saw the various factions that have formed who all firmly believe that not only did the princess and the playboy fake their own deaths but that it is blindingly obvious that the crash could not have been real.

The groups have splintered over their theories as to where Dodi and Di might be currently hiding out but the most vociferous group, Suburban Ladies’ Underground Truth Seekers (S.L.U.T.S) , have revealed the most controversial of findings. According to their leader, Mrs Henrietta Smallpox, the couple escaped under the cover of darkness and eloped to a remote fishing village in Northern India, which is locally renowned for its stringent laws enforcing ‘unnatural’ sex acts.

The idea of England’s Rose betraying her legions of female and homosexual fans by tricking them into believing she’d been tragically killed in a Paris death-trap tunnel is surely hard enough to stomach. But the thought that she would do so just to spend the rest of her lifetime enjoying a daily buggering from a tubby waster who just happens to have a name similar to her own (only with two more letters obviously) is quite beyond the pale.

We tried to get a reaction from popular singer Dido but she was sadly unavailable for comment and so we turned our attention to in-the-news beleagured referee Phil Dowd. Unfortunately Mr Dowd was so disgusted by the allegations that he chased our reporter away from his home while shouting that we should “fuck off” and “shut the fuck up”. We were offered a quote from a ‘character’ calling himself Dodd but, when pressed for his considered comments on the news that Princess Diana may be getting a right royal pounding up the poop-chute in darkest India, he could only respond with an animated bout of shouting the words “Yank off, jerk off” repeatedly. Ultimately, that perhaps says it all.

Bowl-ing For Europe

2007-02-10T22:11:00.000Z

So the Superbowl was won by the Indianapolis Colts, and for us here in Europe it can be difficult to understand the Americanisms of the commentators during the game.

So, to help us 'Soccer' loving Euro's, Yesterdays Knews have translated the entire game into language we all understand here across the pond.

The match kicked off in a turrential downpour and there was to be a sensational start as Chicago FC scored straight from the kickoff with a great individual effort from centre half Dave Hester.

This rattled the opposition who took 20 minutes to recover but then scored a wonderful goal of their own when a brilliant pass from midfield maestro Manning set up winger Reggie Wayne who slotted the ball home with ease.

However, within 7 minutes the Chic's had increased their lead when pressure on the ball caused the Colts into some sloppy passes. Chicago playmaker, Grossman put the left winger Mushin Muhammed into space to score.

After the first of 3 breaks, Indianapolis begin to pile on the pressure and Striker Vinatieri scores from fully 29 yards before they take the lead with Rhodes bundling the ball home from a yard out.

After the second break, Vinatieri grabs his second, this time a 24 yard screamer and gets his hat-trick 16 minutes later, this time a 20 yard tap in.

Nine minutes later, the Bears get what would turn out to be a consolation goal as their forward Gould shoots from 44 yards into the top corner.

Eleven minutes after the 3rd and final break, the Colts make the game safe when Kevin Hayden intercepts a poor pass from Grossman to round the keeper and smack it in from a tight angle.

There are no further goals and the match finishes 6 - 3...... or 29 -17 in American slang.

A Bowl of cherries

2007-02-03T20:10:00.000Z

As the USA prepares itself for Superbowl XLI, here in the 51st state of UK, some are also preparing themselves for a long night on Sunday and pulling a 'sicky' on Monday to catch all the action on Sly TV.

For those of you who don't know anything about the Superbowl, it's a mixture between the FA Cup final and sumo wrestling, with fat blokes in body armour bouncing off each other, and thats just in the crowd. This years final will be contested between the Chicago Bears and the Indianapolis Colts and will be played at the Dolphin stadium in Miami.

The Superbowl is most famous for its half time show, which has produced some controversial moments in the past. In 2004, Janet Jackson exposed a pair of tits during the halftime show, one was her own and the other was Justin Timberlake.

To ensure there will be no embarrassing moments this year, the hosts have chosen Michael Jackson to appear on stage with the boys and girls from the Miami Kindergarten dance troupe.

Yesterdays Knews will bring you coverage of the Superbowl final sometime next week.

Going, Going, Gone

2007-02-02T16:50:00.000Z

You may recall that yesterday in our article on the launch of Red Nose Day 2007, we reported that there is to be a big auction of comedian’s gifts. Well, the guys and gals down at Comic Relief have been kind enough to let us have some details of the choicest items on offer so you can get your bids in early. You lucky people.

So, without further ado, feast your eyes on the following treasure trove of charitable hilarity and get your wallets out. Or don’t. Frankly it’s nothing to do with us either way. We’ve already given 20p each to the woman who comes in the pub collecting for MS or cancer or whatever the fuck it was. And, one of us once gave a tramp a pound AND told him he didn’t care if he spent it on cheap cider! So as you can imagine, we at Yesterdays Knews Towers have more than done our bit for charity this year.

However, for the rest of you feckless, selfish, spoilt wasters, here are the prize items for the all-star auction:

Lot 101 donated by Jo Brand : A used tampon with signed verification from the donor that the item has definitely been inside her sopping , bleeding fanny.

Lot 102 donated by Jack Dee : Complete box set of all five series of Curb Your Enthusiasm together with the handmade notes scribbled on the case, which Jack assures us comprises the final script for his recent BBC sitcom, Lead Balloon.

Lot 103 donated by Ricky Gervais : A signed copy of his favourite book “How to be humble when you attain long-sought-after success”. He knows Jerry Seinfeld you know?

Lot 104 donated by Sacha Baron Cohen : A special private sneak preview of his new comedy character. All we can tell you at this stage is that he asks Americans a series of rather inappropriately amusing questions in a silly accent.

Lot 105 donated by Julian Clary: A signed first-edition of his new novel “Oooh! I’ve just shoved this bald man’s cock right up my arse Mrs Wilberforce”

So, what are you waiting for? Get your bids in now by logging onto www. its alright to be an attention-seeking tosser, dress like a cunt and act like a bona fide bell-end for a day cos some failed comedians on the telly said so.co.uk.

Send In The Clowns

2007-02-01T17:07:00.000Z

Red Nose Day 2007 was launched yesterday by some of the country’s top comedians (and Jennifer Saunders) in a blaze of publicity at the London Eye.

Comic Relief’s chief spokesman and former television star Lenny Henry was asked to explain the location for the launch and explained that “the eye is close to the nose so it makes sense facially-speaking.”

Professional homosexual Graham Norton then revealed that, to start this year’s proceedings with a bang, they were holding a televised auction of the comics’ most personal possessions.

Norton then proceeded to give details of the generous donations of some of the UK’s premier comedy talent. For instance, Jo Brand is auctioning one of her used tampons, which is expected to cause a lot of interest amongst viewers. Blue comic Bernard Manning interrupted to rant “Jo fucking Brand, at it again! That’s all she ever talks about. Tampax, tampons, sanitary towels and toilets.”

Jim Davidson offered to auction off one of his wives but organisers had to politely refuse as it was believed she was too shop-soiled and bruised to get any kind of price.

Meanwhile, Norton confided that plans to auction off the talent of Billy Connolly had to be scrapped as it has been impossible to locate for several years. It was apparently last seen “disappearing up the arseholes of the British Royal Family” according to Norton. “Mind you” he continued “to be fair to Connolly, he did crack that joke about Ken Bigley didn’t he?”

Flavour-of-the-moment foppish comedian Russell Brand summed up “S’excitin’ ain’t it?” Brand then proceeded to pull down his trousers and pants, w@nked his dinkle til huge gobs of spermatozoa came shooting forth from the crown and shouted “LADS! How about you come and give this comic some relief?”

They warned him about his future conduct and threatened to place him on the sex offender’s register.

Big Brother Gets His Dirk Out

2007-01-29T19:54:00.000Z

Celebrity Big Brother came to a close yesterday as Asian movie star Shilpa Shetty was announced as the winner.

However the racial aspects of the show are still reverberating and all of the housemates appear to have something to say in the matter. Yesterdays Knews have been given a rare opportunity to interview Dirk Benedict, the A-Team star, who finished in 3rd place in this years Celeb BB.

Dirk, 72, was quick to point out why he said nothing during the racial outburst while in the house. "Hey, I was worried about the face...those girls had sharp nails...and this smile cost me a fortune. I thought they might start bitch slapping me...well I hoped..."

Dirk then claimed he had spoken to his A-Team co-star Mr T about the show.

Mr Benedict informed Yesterdays Knews that Mr T had been watching the show via sattelite in his home, the converted A-Team van. When asked what he thought of Jade Goody, Mr T is believed to have replied "I pity the fool!"

Yesterdays Knews can confirm that Mr Benedict has been offered a contract to star in a new series of the A-Team, however this time taking over the role of Mad Murdoch, trapped in a room of lunatics for months on end before being rescued.

Dennis Rodman will be taking over Mr T's role as B A Baracus whilst Michael Barrymore takes over the role of Hannibal from the late George Peppard. It is believed that Mr Barrymore only agreed to take the role if he could have a swimming pool fitted to the A-Team van and be allowed to say "Awight at the back!!" whilst driving the van.

Jade's Race To Oblivion

2007-01-28T18:19:00.000Z

Jade Goody is fighting back over allegations of racism during this years Celebrity (?) Big Brother.

Jade, Jo from S-Club 7 and ex-model Danielle Lloyd were all accused of racially bullying Asian film star Shilpa Shetty.

Jade claimed today that she is certain she is not a racist. "I eat indian food..." announced Miss Goody, 26. "Not with my fingers like...or in Indian restaurants...but I got a Chicken Korma from the supermarket the other day, didn't really like it tho, don't normally eat foreign muck, ye never know what they put innit, do ye?". Jade continued her tirade "If I'm a racialist, how come I have a black dog?"

Jade is hoping to travel to India later this year, in her 'Mother wants a good old British Bungalow' tour.

Shame of Mystery Celeb Not Nonced Up As Tot

2007-01-05T16:47:00.000Z

A nationally-famous celebrity sensationally confessed his most shameful secret last night. The celeb, an actor known by many for his TV work, came clean about his pitiful childhood ordeal. He broke down in tears while he spilled his guts about the trauma of never being being sexually abused as a child.

When pressed for more detail, he finally opended up and shockingly admitted that he hadn’t been anally raped or interfered with by his parents, touched up in the changing rooms by a mature batchelor teacher, or even had his balls or arse felt by a local oddball round the back of the bins.

The celebrity, we can only name as Mr Gaffney, spoke of his despair at his palpable unattractiveness that he couldn’t even be attractive to paedophiles, even those ones with the really, really thick glasses and greasy hair. He confessed that he even used to hang around Jonathan King’s tennis courts, diddling for a fiddling, but to no avail.

“What sort of celebrity, in this day and age, wasn’t nonced up as a kid?” came his plaintive cry. “Even frigging Ken Russell got some action. What does that say about me?”

Our reporter managed to extricate himself from the interview without having to reply to such a loaded question and made his excuses and left. Immediately upon his return to the Yesterday’s Knews office, he was telephoned by former Hollyoaks actor and Love Island psychopath Paul Danan. Mr Danan had mysteriously already heard about our mystery celeb’s sorry tale and offered his services to rebuild the celeb’s confidence. In essence, he offered to molest them live on ITV. When informed that the mystery celebrity was in fact a male, Danan replied:

“Makes no difference to me. It’s on telly isn’t it? And really, do you reckon
I’ve got any self-respect left after being on Love Island twice and then being
the gimp on 'Calum, Fran and Dangerous Danan' on ITV2?”

Saddaam 'Hanging Out' In Celeb BB Shocker

2007-01-04T16:55:00.000Z

In news that is set to be so earth-shatteringly shocking that those whingeing bloody polar bears may finally be devoured by the gaping chasm of the now-annihilated ice caps, leaving them to spiral towards subterranean oblivion, we can exclusively reveal that Saddaam Hussein was not actually executed this week.

Yesterdays Knews has just received a secret memo detailing how the hanging was faked in order to create a smokescreen to preserve the biggest surprise in the history of the World. So, in order to spoil this for everybody because we can’t resist showing off how clever we are, here is the scoop of the century. Saddaam is set to be parachuted in to the Celebrity Big Brother house!

It is believed that U.S Military chiefs have been liaising with Endemol, the programme’s makers, in order to pull off this once-in-a-lifetime televisual coup. Our sources have confirmed that there had been concern within the White House, that a quick and painless execution would not be sufficient punishment for the former dictator for his myriad crimes against humanity.

It was therefore decided, after much research into alternative punishments, that it would be a much more fitting penalty for Saddaam to be locked inside a house with H from Steps and Leo Sayer for four weeks.

Saddaam’s lawyers seem certain to appeal this decision on the grounds of it clearly being in breach of the Geneva Convention, and it is understood that they have the full backing of human rights charity Amnesty International.

However, the sentence is now officially classed as irreversible by the Iraqi Supreme Court, so we might as well all enjoy the ride. And, you never know, he might even roll back the years and manage to top a few of the tosspots while he’s in there. Should this be the case, we would like to make it clear that this would be a disgraceful new low for British television but while he’s at it, if he could just take out that Donny knobhead, just for us, we’d be really most grateful.

Yesterday's TV Today

2006-12-21T12:22:00.000Z

Hello again. Now we realise that many of our fans out there might be sitting around wondering what might be on TV tonight in a totally made-up, total rip-off of Charlie Brooker’s seminal website TVGoHome but nowhere near as funny – type way.

Well, we don’t like to disappoint you so here are some snippets for tonight so don’t say we don’t ever give you anything you ungrateful pigs.

7.00 pm Heil Terry! Terry Wogan takes a light-hearted look at Nazi Germany and re-enacts some memorable moments with the help of fellow TV stars Patrick Mower, Sue Cook and Art Malik.
This week: 'The Night of the Long Knives'. Terry orders the execution of former ally Ernst Rohm (Gaby Roslin). Guest-starring John Virgo as the knives.

7.45pm Travels with Mr T He ain't gettin’ on no plane fool but A-Team star Mr T takes us on an overland trek through the Atacama Desert armed only with some nuts and bolts that were carelessly discarded by a seemingly ruthless band of American crimelords, and a supply of cabbages. Will he miraculously stumble upon all the raw materials he needs to build an armoured tank and rescue the imprisoned nuns held by bloodthristy Nicaraguan mercenaries? What do you think fool?

8.45 pm Maxibonbon! Madcap Spanish gameshow hosted by Brian Dennehy. Childless couples compete against each other in a series of zany tasks and challenges to win a baby's worth of vouchers from the Gilbert Deya Ministries.

9.45 pm Captain Birdseye's Video Diaries What's the Cap'n up to this week? He's only gone and scuttled six Bosnian sailors in Bottomy Bay. See exclusive pictures and special behind-the-porthole action.

10.15 pm Mr Wendal One-off musical dramatising the story of the hard-hitting Arrested Development hit of the early 90's about a homeless drifter. Starring David Suchet as the African-American itinerant and featuring the cast of now sadly defunct five soap Family Affairs as the government conspiracists living in his booze-fuelled head.

Yesterday's TV

2006-12-19T16:25:00.000Z

Starting today, Yesterday's Knews will be reviewing the top telly programmes and giving you the lowdown on what to watch on the box.

Tuesday

10:00pm C-um Dancing - Latino dancers glide across the milked up floor, in their sequined crotchless under-crackers.

10:30pm Fanny By Gaslight - Period drama, in tonight’s episode, Charles eventually gets gas installed at Cokhall Manor, so that he no longer has to wipe up the waxy residue from his large candle, whilst Fanny awaits the gas-mans arrival to erect his piping up her flue..

11:00pm Chocolate StarGate SG2 - Fantasy Adventure, Captain Brownhole discovers a new stargate and probes it with his large weapon. Major Buttman asks Commander Emma Roid to keep a tight grip of Corporal Punishment as his form has wained recently, but she soon licks him into shape.

Stay tuned for our next TV review.

World's Tallest Man Saves Dolphin

2006-12-14T19:10:00.000Z

The world's tallest man saved two dolphins this week. Mongolian herdsman, Bao Xishun, used his 1.06m long arms to remove plastic shards from inside the dolphin's stomach's. Mr Bao, aged 54 and 7ft 8.95 inches tall was given the cleaning bill of a number of onlookers after waving to his friend during the extraction and splattering the public with rotten fish and dolphin bile.

It is believed that this may start a trend with record holders trying to out do each other with their acts of heroism. Yesterday's Knews reporters have learnt that Indias fattest man, Ima Skineebugga, who weighs in at 3 and a half stone, will attempt to eat the parasites off a blue whale, whilst the worlds oldest man, Wi Go'on, believed to be 392 years old, is currently at base camp at the foot of Everest, preparing to remove painful piles from the Yeti with his shrivelled gums.

Met Office Pours Scorn On London ‘Tornado’

2006-12-08T13:08:00.000Z

Londoners who bravely withstood yesterday’s terrifying tornado ordeal were last night cruelly mocked by the Met Office.

The Met Office’s top weather boffin, Mr Jeremy Van Dyke, has berated the capital’s residents for over-reacting and claims that there was no tornado in the first place.

In an interview that is certain to cause great affrontery in the nation’s capital but hilarity in Mr Van Dyke’s home county, Yorkshire, he said: “What a bunch of soft southern shites. Tornado? My arse it was! I’ve been in this business 30 years, man and boy, and I know a tornado when I see one and yesterday I most certainly did not see one. Mind you, I was lying on a beach in Barbados all day and I must say it really is unseasonably warm here.”

He continued “What we witnessed yesterday in London is what we meteorologists would describe as a pretty strong wind. Fair enough, it might be a bit risky flying your kite in it but it’s not like anyone was killed or even injured now was it? But from what I saw on the news, you’d think it was the fucking apocalypse. Sorry but all you London-types are nowt but namby-pamby poofters.”

We tried to contact Ken Livingston, the mayor of London, for a response to Van Dyke’s vile slurs but unfortunately he said he wasn’t coming out of his house “cos of the nasty wind.”

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Yesterday's Knews

2006-12-08T07:18:00.000Z

Yesterday's Knews

Caption Competition : The Results

2006-12-07T13:17:00.000Z

Hey you news guys, it’s that time again to find out who won this week’s biffo Caption Competition. Yiiirse I hear you say. You’d be right.

So, as you well know, we gave you this picture of a Korean walking round town dressed a s big red condom - possibly for World Aids Day but we're not sure - and asked you to give us some funny lines to accompany it (as if it’s not funny enough eh?)

Well, the standard of entries was incredibly high, but we can unfortunately only pick 3 winners, who are:

Derek Griffiths, London: Jack Nicholson takes his revised role in The Shining to strange heights - "Here's…... "

J.T Pennypacker, NY: “This is my seminal acting role.”

Dr Felix Van Nostrum, Switzerland: “Yeah, she’s on the blob.”

Hooray to the above, who scoop our special prize, this week brought to you by our new sponsor: TRIM QUIM 2000.

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God bless you all, and remember, never a Cross Word.

B.A. Cross With Cross Wearing Emplyee

2006-12-07T12:00:00.000Z

B A has yet again come under fire for banning another of its employees from wearing religious symbols outside of their uniforms. Christian symbolism is apparently the main area of concern for the failing airline at present.

The employee who is currently off on unpaid leave who did not wish to be named confirmed, “I was shocked to say the least when I was asked to put my cross away as I have seen other colleagues wearing symbols of their religion. I was working at terminal 2 at Heathrow when I was asked by management to stop processing passengers for their flight. I was asked to go to a side room used by personnel and made to feel that I had done something wrong. When I was asked to remove my cross I was struck dumb but not by god I hasten to add.”

The employee looked visibly stressed at this moment but managed to continue, “I was informed that I must remove the cross and to go back to work. I felt I was being discriminated on religious grounds and refused to remove the cross. I am very upset by this situation and wish people would be more tolerant of all religions. Yes it may be big and a little cumbersome but I feel I need to let people see that I am a devout Christian.”

Under rules drawn up by BA's 'diversity team' and 'uniform committee', Sikh employees can even wear the traditional iron bangle - even though this would usually be classed as jewellery - while Muslim workers are also allowed prayer breaks during work time.
The employee explained that the cross was not jewellery but an expression of their deep Christian faith.

The employee said last night: "I will not hide my belief in the Lord Jesus. British Airways permits Muslims to wear a headscarf, Sikhs to wear a turban and other faiths religious apparel. The B.A. employee in question would not allow us to view the cross that has brought so much, media interest. However, we do have a picture of the cross being worn by the employee prior to their sending home.

It has been three weeks now that the BA employee has been placed on unpaid leave. We asked a BA spokesperson what the current situation is.

Mrs M Luther confirmed, “Unfortunately a current employee has been sent home due to the wearing of a religious symbol that breaches our employment dress code policy. We asked the employee to remove the said symbol, however they refused and we had no choice but to send them home. The matter is now being handled by a tribunal and as such we are unable to comment any further on the matter. However I will say that the health and safety issues the employees cross has brought up needs to be addressed. We had a few complaints from passengers tripping over the cross in question. This has to stop the costs in court cases has increased ten fold in the last year alone. ”

When asked if other non Christians were still able to wear religious symbols of their faiths she replied, “Yes they are but we feel that a cross can be deemed offensive to other employees and passengers within the terminals of Heathrow.”

The tribunal is due to start in two weeks time. The employee said, “You have to have faith and hope in such matters” and perhaps a very good solicitor as well Yesterdays Knews feels.

Lonnie Donnegan Death-Bed Discovery Of Father’s Real Occupation

2006-12-06T16:59:00.000Z

In news that will shake the world of showbusiness to its very core, it has been discovered that the father of recently-deceased 60’s cockney singer Lonnie Donnegan has never been employed as a dustman.

Vital new evidence has just been uncovered that completely refutes Donnegan’s previous claims that his “old man’s a dustman”. In fact, it now seems clear that Mr Donnegan Senior would not have worn a dustman’s hat either, on account of him not being a dustman. Whether or not old man Donnegan possessed any God blimey trousers is still unknown at this stage.

What did come as a shock to Lonnie Donnegan was the revelation that his “old man” was in fact a middle-ranking civil servant in the Inland Revenue until his retirement in 1983. Quite why he would lead his only son into believing he was a mere dustbin man is a question only Mr Donnegan Senior himself can answer. As he has been dead for ten years however, it doesn’t look like he’ll be very forthcoming on his motives.

Which just left his surviving family’s utter devastation, when the truth came out in a letter delivered to Lonnie from his late father’s solicitors, Balls & Sons. Yesterday’s Knews has seen this very letter and can confirm that it was written as a death-bed confession from Mr Donnegan Senior to be delivered to his son before he himself passed away.

We tried to contact Lonnie Donnegan last night for his comments on this bombshell discovery but he was understandably too deceased to talk. Eventually we managed to get in touch with his son Dougie, also a singer and even more coincidentally also a cockney too.

He was able to confirm that the Donnegan family were always very proud of their East London Working Class, salt of the earth roots and that the revelation that they were (albeit unknowingly) living a lie has driven them to despair. He also added that both he and his father both love Her Majesty the Queen “Gawd bless ‘er”.

It is at this stage impossible to predict accurately what effect this will have on Lonnie Donnegan’s career as a Cockney skiffle legend, although it is rumoured that his last living act was to re-record his biggest hit with updated lyrics such as “My Old Man’s A Dirty Lying Tax Inspector Stuck Up Cunt”.

Close Shave For OAPs As Man Quizzed In Razor Incident

2006-12-06T11:53:00.000Z

A 30 year-old man was arrested yesterday for threatening behaviour and carrying a dangerous weapon at a Wirral rest home for the elderly.

The man, is, at present, not allowed to be named for legal reasons. However, the suspect’s mother has confirmed his identity as local oddball golfer, Maxwell Paul.

It is believed that Mr Paul was discovered by security guards as he rampaged through the Shane Ward Retirement Community Home in Heswall brandishing a Bic razor and a pair of scissors. He was said to be in a “desperate state” and was apparently screaming at residents to “trim his mane”.

To shed some light on Mr Paul’s peculiar demands we interviewed the caretaker Mr Ian Winstanley who told us:

“He was running around like a madman with his trousers and Y-Fronts round his ankles. He kept going up to the old ladies – never the men mind – and asking them to shave his bottom hair. He said his ‘Mum-Mum’ to use his words, ‘used to shave his botty but she was too sick to do it anymore’. He seemed to be in a right state I have to say.”

Merseyside Police released a brief statement last night confirming that their enquiries are ongoing and appealed for witnesses within the Home to come forward. They also added that the suspect was “probably a wrong-un” as he has a “ridiculously hairy abcess growing out of his arse pit.”

Cold Nipples Nearly Cripples Nude model at art class

2006-12-04T13:05:00.000Z

A nude model who poses for still life art classes has gone on strike because the room where she works is too cold. At one stage it has been alleged that icicles had formed on the models personage.
Daphne Jutland said she had been left with a stiff neck and sore shoulders and rather frosty ripples because of a faulty air conditioning unit at Derby College.

It has been that cold lately my nipples have been like glass cutters. It was so bad last Monday the art students were hanging their coats on my nip nops like a coat stand.

The 44-year-old from Sand batch said she had "never encountered such difficult conditions", and she was refusing to pose again until the chilly problem is solved. “I very much doubt anyone would accept the offer of a few drops of anti-freeze on my raspberries as a viable solution to the problem as suggested by the vice-principle.”

Mark Woods, college vice-principal, stuttered to Yesterdays Knews: "We've provided heating and I'm not sure what else we can do. As for my joke about anti-freeze I was trying to merely warm the situation up. I have tried to get a better look at the problem but Ms Jutland keeps covering herself up. I am a very hands on type of person but in this case my hands have been tied"

We have been informed by a medical specialist that in years to come we could witness the first person to develop arthritis of the nipples if this matter is not addressed.

Caption Competition Results

2006-12-01T12:52:00.000Z

Alright you news-hungry sluts, its what you’ve been waiting all week for….. the results of this week’s captivating Caption Competition!

So, if you recall, we gave you this picture of the poisoned Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko and asked you to see the funny side of this “unfortunate international incident”. We’re pleased to say that you picked up the gauntlet and ran like bastards with it.

As you know, this week's prize has been kindly donated by World Aids Day. So, thanks to the AIDS guys for the super exclusive prizes of DVD box-sets of the new series of Max Aids P.I. The talented and victorious threesome to benefit are:

Lex Luthor, Metropolis : "I'm going as Christopher Reeves at this year’s fancy dress."

Campbell Cocksoup, Inverness : "I knew one of the members of Queen but I cannot say which one. Let’s just say it might have been a case of Mercury poisoning."

Gerard Rebecchi, Melbourne, AUS : "After being exposed to radiation he waits to see what kind of superhero he’ll be. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Oh shit he’s dead!"

Man Speechless After Pub Raid

2006-11-30T14:30:00.000Z

A 65 year old man was left speechless on Monday, after a thug stole his voice at knifepoint.
The un-named man called Barry, who uses an electronic device to talk, had his machine snatched away from him during an armed robbery in a Wirral bar.

The robbery occurred at around 1.30 a.m., as the man was locking up the pub at which he works in Prenton. A man wearing a ski-mask and holding a knife burst into the bar and threatened the worker. Police have confirmed that the thief was not wearing skis on his feet as originally reported by a rival newspaper.

Holding him at knifepoint, he first insisted that the man empty the till, and then demanded to be taken to the safe. When the bar man asked the thief if he had a ski pass he was hit with an avalanche of abuse.

As a parting gesture, after ransacking both the cash register and the safe – stealing around £800 in the process – the thief also grabbed the man's electronic speaking device and pocketed it, before running off into the night. The bar man was left speechless after the incident, which is understandable giving the circumstances.

A witness who did not wish to be named, who saw the thief’s escape was able to confirm some details to us.

“I was walking home at about 1.25am after being to my local Boot Scoot Club for a night of line dancing. I was walking passed my local pub balancing my kebab in one hand whilst fumbling in my pocket for my keys.”

The witness did not confirm if he had chilli sauce on his kebab or not.

“I was no more than one hundred yards away when I could hear a disturbance behind me. To my shock, as I turned in the direction of the pub I could see a man of about average height wearing black clothing and a ski mask on his head. I watched as he burst out of the pub door and ran at some great speed down the road towards a car. He was shouting in a strange Dalek type of voice back towards the pub. I could distinctly hear him shout See you later granddad and Exterminate, exterminate, I am a Dalek. Before he entered the car and drove away at some speed. I was that shocked I almost spilt my kebab on the floor. I rushed to the pub to see Barry one of the staff stagger out into the street. I asked him what had happened but he was unable to tell me as his voice had been stolen, what a swine. A police car pulled up outside the pub about thirty minutes later I gave a statement and was allowed home.”

Police have not issued a description of the voice box in question but we believe it has no resemblance to a Dalek at all. A few days after the incident another man claimed he too had had his voice stolen in a separate incident. However, it has now been dismissed as an unconnected incident as it has been established that the person had merely caught a cold.

Double Amputee in High Speed Chase

2006-11-28T18:14:00.000Z

A double amputee has been jailed after leading police on a high speed chase.

Ivor Legoff, 51, used modified broom handles on the peddles and was chased over 3000 miles at speeds of over 275 miles an hour!!

Traffic cop Ima Bhadriva told the court that Mr Legoff was seen driving his Ford Probe erratically and was asked to pull over but refused and sped off. The chase only ended after Mr Legoff lost control and the probe entered an overgrown bush.

Mr Legoff was asked by Officer Bhadriva whether he had been drinking, to which he replied "Can't you see I'm legless!!".

Two other amputees where in the vehicle at the time and both tried to stop Mr Legoff. Billy Noarms, 33, and Justha Tourso, 42, where thrown around in the back of the vehicle during the accident, but received no serious injuries.

In sentencing, Judge Sendijm Downe told Mr Legoff "Using brooms to control your vehicle could have caused harm to both yourself and innocent bystanders, a brick wedged with a block of wood would have been much better...and safer".

In addition to the 12 month sentence, Judge Downe banned Mr Legoff from driving "Until your legs grow back..."

Ding Dong Smell

2006-11-28T11:12:00.000Z

As Christmas approaches bad news has hit Berlin. The city has been struck by a severe Santa drought that is causing major concern to Berliners.

The Santa’s R Us agency that supplies Santa’s to families in the city warned today that they had less than a third of the Santa’s that would be required to meet the city's Santa needs. Adolph Heinz, Ober-Weinachtsmann (chief Santa Claus) of the Santa’s R Us agency, said:
'We need at least 300 Santa’s to meet the demand but we only have about 100 signed up so far. I blame the recent clampdown on paedophiles that has hit the country. I am afraid a lot of them have gone underground for fear of reprisals. The Government is wrong to persecute people in this way.'

We explained to Mr Heinz that the safety of young children is paramount and surely an agency like his should understand the damage these people could cause children through their vile deeds.

"Children, who cares about the children I am thinking of the profit. At this rate I will be out of pocket by a great many thousand Euros. The Government wants to start caring about businessmen like me and sod the children."

Each Santa will visit, on average, around a dozen families, bringing seasonal good cheer, presents and a 15% cut of their fees to the agency.

'In a lot of families in Berlin it's a tradition that carries on even after the children grow older and stop believing,' Heinz said, this shortfall is damaging business.
Any Berliners who fancy earning some money, or who just really like the colour red, are advised to contact Mr Heinz. 'I prefer chubby men, of course, ideally with a real beard plus a great set of buns but as for the Santa’s we're not picky and take what we get. However, we have had to turn away a large amount of tramps who have applied for the post' he notes.

When we asked Mr Heinz why so many have been turned away when there is a shortfall in Santa’s he replied, "The thing is they stink and I just don’t like my Santa’s to smell. God knows what their sacks smell of, the state some of them have been in. In my view they should all be put in a camp somewhere and made to work for as pittance until they die."

The search for Santa’s in Berlin continues however, Mr Heinz is not optimistic.

Yesterday’s Knews Book Review.

2006-11-24T15:48:00.000Z

This weeks Top 10 of Books.

1.Moby Dick- The John Holmes Story- an Auto-Biographical look at the Adult star in this full exposure.

2. Schindlers List- Just what did Her Schindler buy from the ALDI store between 1943-1944.

3. Voyage Of The Dawn Trader- CS Lewis’ Diary of a Lady of the Night.

4. OF Mice And Men- Kafka's homage to Steinbeck’s novel with a twist as a man develops female reproductive organs and has to find a 24 hour chemist before it’s too late.

5. To Kill A Mockingbird- How to kill birds and other livestock for pleasure.

6. The Diary Of Adrian Mole- An insight into what it is like to be a mole living through crop rotation during a year at a typical British farm.

7. From Here To Eternity – ZaZa Gabor on her worst marriages and celebratory divorces.

8. Tinker Taylor Soldier Spy- This brutal and frank description of trying to find a job in1950’s Britain when you are Gay.

9. Fiddler On The Roof - Convicted paedophile’s roof top protest how it was allowed to happen. One mans searching indictment of the modern prison system.

10. Fanny By Gaslight- This warm endearing book on one woman’s search for enlightenment through the underground sexual revolution of the Edwardian period.

Ginger Storm Trooper Nazi Cringer

2006-11-22T09:00:00.000Z

A shop owner in Hackensack, New Jersey has been asked to remove the contents of his shop window after complaints from local residents about its contents. The offending contents of the shop window were storm trooping gingerbread men. The local police chief has confirmed that complaints have been received due to the little ginger Nazis.

The owner of the shop Klaus Barbie was shocked to find the little goose-stepping treats were hard to swallow by the local residents. We spoke to the shop owner for a response. “Mien Gott has the world gone mad? They are only little baby gingerbread men what is wrong with that? Has this great country suddenly gone anti-ginger all of a sudden? I see no reason why there has been such a fuss about the whole matter.”

We were allowed to view the alleged offensive gingerbread men under police supervision in the back of the shop. This was only after exhaustive meetings with the mayor’s office and city police representatives. Unfortunately we were not allowed to take any pictures of the storm trooping Nazi gingerbread men so we have had an artist draft a picture of what one of the offending men would have looked like.

It is understandable why the local authorities felt that the fascistic gingerbread men crossed a line after people started complaining.

The gingerbread men were created by local artist Adolphus Smits, who has displayed his works in Barbie's store window before. Barbie said of Smits' goose-stepping little treats: 'He's gone way overboard at times. A few of his other displays were on the edge, but I would never say they were offensive.'

The ruckus over the gingerbread Nazis might not be entirely unexpected given Smits's 'on the edge' display from last year – featuring a little boy using his new chemistry set to manufacture crystal meth, and a snowman beating up carol singers and urinating over their open mouths whilst using his carrot in a strange manner.

Smits defended his work, saying: 'I can differentiate between real Nazis and that the atrocities they performed compared to these little gingerbread men, but I guess some people can't.'
'Maybe I just find beauty in bizarre places,' he added, ruefully.

Fans of Smits art will be pleased to know that one element of his work currently remains in place – a young Jesus pulling the wings off an angel.

‘Rude’ Named Town Is Revolting

2006-11-21T16:11:00.000Z

The residents of a small Lincolnshire town are threatening civil disobedience against the government unless their name is changed by the end of the week.

The move comes as a central government department stepped in at the request of a concerned family who recently moved to the area. The Parsons family have complained that being forced to live in a town with a profane name is “causing them great distress and mental angst.”

The government inspectors who, funnily enough inspected the case, found in favour of the Parsons’ and decreed that the town’s name should be changed instantly to the more mundane Greendale.

This left the long-time residents livid. As Councillor Tammy Maxipaddington said “This town’s name is Snotty Minge and always has been since it was first inhabited. Numerous generations of us have been proud to say that we are from Snotty Minge over the years. We are not ashamed of who we are nor where we come from and we will not tolerate this interference from the government in our affairs.”

“This is England for God’s sake. Rude and humourous place names are a way of life here. Ask anyone from Twatt, Cockermouth or Chinaman’s Ball-sack if they’d change their names, then see where you’d get!”

“And while we’re at it” she continued. “Greendale? Which brain donor came up with that one? Has it really come to this that the British government take their inspiration from Postman fucking Pat? Someone has got to make a stand here and if it takes Tammy Maxipaddington to stem the flow of parliamentary incompetence, then so be it.”

Ms Maxipaddington plans to lead an army of the town’s most vociferous female objectors in a march on London on Friday, because the blokes can’t get the time off work. It is thought that they will try to obstruct the entrance of the government ministry responsible, the Department Of Nominal Gentrification (D.O.N.G).

A sinister-looking and balaclava-clad companion of Ms Maxipaddington, who wished to remain anonymous, threatened “If we don’t get our name back, the whole of D.O.N.G are going to be blocked from entering by some pretty angry old Snotty Minge bags.”

“This is a clear blot on the government’s copy book. And, if they’re listening I want to tell them this: We are not afraid to cause bloodshed if it is absolutely necessary and I am confident that, even if we do have resort to violence, we will emerge victorious without a stain on our characters.”

The head of the ministry, Mr Tam Paxman, was unable to comment on the escalating crisis last night, as he had to stay in and watch what he’d been informed by colleagues was going to be a really exciting episode of ‘I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!’

2006-11-21T15:00:00.000Z

In next weeks Weekend Magazine:
Tom Hanks: Why I hate being a Cockney Rhyming Slang.
We name and shame the group of MP’s who took the goods and refused to pay up. Read all about it in our rent boy special.
Hollywood’s current craze hits Britain. We report on the recent trend for stars who have their foreskin sewn back on. in our exclusive, Foreskin Hell by Graham Norton.
One finger or two we ask our finger licking celebrities do they prefer one finger or two in our special report. Michael Barrymore and Dale Winton go finger crazy over the new three finger special edition "Fistlove"

Penguin Beat Bond at US cinema

2006-11-21T11:21:00.000Z

Actor Daniel Craig denied that a small penguin wupped his Lillie white a$s in America this week. "Listen you smuck I’m James Bond and no stupid fool of a penguin is going to take me out." The actor retorted.

We were standing outside his Hollywood hotel when the actor’s chauffer driven limousine pulled up. Mr Craig looking less than happy with himself glared into our camera as we bombarded him with questions. The news had just hit the headlines that Bond had been flipper slapped by a bunch of girly penguins.

"This is a total fabrication by the media in Hollywood due to the fact that on the opening day our movie didn’t make as much as their movie. I wasn’t even in the North Hollywood Cinemaplex on the alleged day. I don’t know where these rumours come from. Do I look like a man who would be flipper slapped by a freaky animal? It stinks of fish for god’s sake."

We left Mr Craig fuming on the roadside as we left in pursuit of the now famous penguin Mumbles.

We found the happy penguin in a local 7-11 picking up the groceries for the week. He was immaculately dressed in an Armani suit. A slight graze could visibly be seen above his left eye.
When we asked for his comments on the events aired in the local press he replied, "Look don’t get me wrong I can understand why someone supposedly brave, strong and ultra macho as Mr Bond wants to deny what happened. Look at me do I look like the kind of penguin who would make these things up?" Mumbles flashed us one of his famous smiles as he tap danced down the isles of the 7-11.

"I think he needs to wake up and smell the coffee, there is a new all action hero in town and he knows it. He’ll be smelling fish on his kipper for weeks. I slugged him that hard he needed emergency dentistry by all accounts."

We could not get any confirmation of this from Mr Craig’s representatives.

"I was minding my own business in the Floozy Woozy Bar on 8th and 2nd Street when this supposedly professional actor bumped into me spilling my Dakari out of my hand. I asked the smuck to apologise but he merely gave a stupid grin and carried on walking towards the exit door. I weighed up the options and thought why not, I can take him. He walked into the local cinemaplex and headed for the toilets. I followed him and walked into the toilets just as he was washing his hands at the sink. We didn’t speak but I had to do something so I peed all over his nice leather shoes. He tried to bend down and pick me up and that’s when I pistol whipped him with my right flipper. Whamo Slamo he went down like a bag of $hite. As he was on the floor I looked down at him and remember shouting- I’m the daddy now. I left the bozo counting birdies and stars."

No confirmation has been made with regards to a re-match fight taking place when their new movies come out next Fall

Police Try To Stifle Toilet Terrorists War Of Turds

2006-11-17T16:59:00.000Z

The Avon and Somerset Police are investigating a spate of violent toilet related incidents in and around the Bath area. A number of attacks have been made of a toilet kind at certain toilet facilities in the area. Police have unfortunately been combing the area for clues to the culprit's identity.

Chief Inspector Colin Faggot confirmed today at a hastily arranged conference, “This person or thing concerned has to be caught no matter what. The amount of damage that has been caused so far is astronomical to say the least. We have been studying the evidence very closely but to date we have not had a breakthrough yet. Our top forensic officers have picked through the evidence but to no avail. The toilets near the Avon Street Coach Park has been the straw that broke the camel's back I am afraid. Before anyone asks, no we do not have a camel within the Avon and Somerset Constabulary. The utter wilful damage to those toilets has been shocking indeed. I have seen some sights in my 20 year career within the police force but this makes the others pale into insignificance.”

We have been informed that for a period of four months someone or some thing has been defecating all over the public toilets in and around the bath area. It has caused hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of damage to the property. Some attendants have been hospitalised due to the distressing scenes found within these premises.

Funding to install blue lighting in ten of Bath’s public toilets had been secured by Bath & North East Somerset’s Community Safety Partnership – which includes Avon and Somerset Police and the Council.

Blue lighting has proved to be an effective way to prevent drug addicts using public toilets to inject drugs as it makes it extremely difficult for them to see their veins. But the Avon and Somerset Police and Council had no warning of what would happen next.

Cllr Frost confirmed, “The toilets and wash basin areas were smeared with human excrement. The smell was so abhorrent that a public health warning had to be issued due to the severity of the rotten smell emitting from the targeted premises. Each toilet was left unflushed and filled to the brim with the liquidised foul rotten excreta. If anyone has any information we can follow through on we would be most grateful. You can contact the Avon and Somerset Police on their hotline on the usual number. A fund had been set up to help with the costs of the damage. Any small deposit the public wish to leave to help in the restoration of the targeted amenities will be welcome. With the help from the general public the Police are hoping to have something more solid to go on soon.”

Caption Competition: Results

2006-11-17T12:14:00.000Z

Hello friends, it’s Friday so that means it’s time to reveal this week’s winners of our Caption Competition. Those of you without Alzheimers’ will recall that we gave you a picture of one of the entrants in this week’s 100th annual London to Brighton vintage car rally.

The lucky winners who pick up a month’s worth of Always Panty Liners ("Now with the revolutionary space age dry-weave topsheet") are:

Ray Pist, Bristol: "I say Crawford did I touch your gear stick or has this little beauty just got bigger in my hand?"

Gay Experiences, Dublin: "I used a special cream for my ‘tache old boy. It's called Guards Man's Gloss."

Jeremy Brownlove, Colchester: “Stop fiddling with your pipe Fairfax. Top it up to the rim and suck damn you!”

We will be emailing the victors for you to confirm your addresses and state your pad preferences for light, medium or heavy flow. Once again, well done!

Birdwatchers Twitch at Swallow In Bits

2006-11-16T12:33:00.000Z

Birdwatchers rushed to see a wild bird that hasn’t been seen in Britain for over 20 years. The sighting took place near Stockport, Greater Manchester. The Twitchers, (people who stalk birds) as they are called, had been watching and twitching at the greater yellow rumped swallow for 20 minutes when all hell broke out at the scene.
“I was watching the graceful little swallow through my specialist all terrain combat binoculars when the swallow landed on a TV aerial of a council house. All of a sudden this little bleeder of a sparrow hawk came out of nowhere, swooped down and ate the Yellow Rumped Swallow right in front of our eyes.” Group member Mike Sprigget confirmed.

“We were horrified. We had only telephoned other enthusiasts to come and see the swallow, and then had to call them back to say it had been eaten by an f’n sparrow hawk. It’s terrible the amount of money wasted on phone calls just because of some lazy b’stard sparrow hawk who couldn’t be arsed to go and get his food somewhere else.” Andy Green, fellow twitcher stated at the scene.

The yellow rumped swallow isn’t normally seen any further than North America.

An RSPCA spokesman added: “Sadly it’s just one of those things. Last week we had a call about a Gorilla who dressed up as a New York policeman and was found trying to bum a George Michael look-a-like on Hampstead Heath, these things happen.”

When we asked the group of twitchers what happened immediately after the attack Mike Sprigget replied, “We killed the little toe rag didn’t we, after all who was going to pay our mobile phone bills. I have his head on a biro pen in my car if you want to see it?” We declined his offer and reported him to the Bill Oddie Foundation for cruelty to endangered birds.

Jail Birds Demand A Bit Of Hot Meat In Prison

2006-11-16T10:30:00.000Z

The country has gone mad yet again in the build up to Christmas this year. A group of prisoners have successfully argued that the government shouldn’t have allowed its prisoners to suffer cold-turkey treatment when they should have been allowed to eat warm turkey for their festive meal.

The group calling itself the seasonal six have been informed that they have a case. The prisoners are poised to win undisclosed pay-outs after suing the Home Office because they were forced to eat cold meat last Christmas it was revealed.

Meat charity CarnivorScope said the group of six inmates were on the verge of settling out of court with the prison service.

The case – alleging the “cold turkey” treatment they were forced to undergo amounted to assault – was scheduled to start at the High Court.

The size of the payouts under discussion has not been revealed. But the compensation levels are due to be finalised on Tuesday or Wednesday, legal sources said.
High Court judge Mr Justice Beef-Wellington gave the go-ahead in May for a full hearing of the case. When finally resolved this week, the compensation by the Prison Service – may be potentially running into tens of thousands of pounds of warm fine choice cuts of meat.
Mr Justice Beef-Wellington said in May: "All claim that their treatment was handled inappropriately and so they suffered injuries and had difficulties with their withdrawal."
Barrister for the claimants Arthur Nutcuttlet told the court at the time: "Many of the prisoners were receiving warm chicken or beef before they entered prison and were upset at the short period of treatment using opiates they encountered in jail. The cold ham and spam were particularly hated by the inmates. The incident on Christmas day was a fridge cooled meat too far. Imposing the short, sharp detoxification is the issue."
The prisoners were bringing the action based on trespass, because they say they did not consent to the treatment, and for alleged clinical negligence.
They also claimed human rights breaches under Articles 3 and 14 of the European Convention on Human Rights, which ban discrimination, torture or inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment and Article 8, which enshrines the right to respect for private life.
A Home Office spokeswoman said: "It would be inappropriate to comment because the litigation is still ongoing. I must add however that it is the first time a prisoner at this prison has complained about being forced a bit of meat. Some of the prisoners on “B” Wing can’t get enough of it."
We have however, managed to get a statement from one of the prisoners via secret communication at the prison. Basher Bates who has only recently been imprisoned for life for killing a man with his bare hands, confirmed, “It is deeply regretted that the situation has gone this far. We just couldn’t live without our warm meat its bad enough we have to spend our lives in small confined cells but this was too much. No human should be allowed to go through this type of treatment again, we are not criminals we are the victims in all of this. Some of the lads have had to resort to getting a bit of hot meat in the shower room.” We must state that the term getting a bit of hot meat in this case refers to the act of placing cold cuts of meat on the steam pipe and letting the steam heat it up. The case continues.

U2 Win Court Case Against Stylist

2006-11-15T17:12:00.000Z

Rock band U2 have today won a lengthy legal battle against their former stylist, Lola Cashman, blaming her for their decrease in record sales.

Singer Bono told Dublin’s High Court last month that he had it “on very good authrority” that the drop in sales that have affected the band’s last two albums have been caused by the band’s poor image, for which Ms Cashman was wholly responsible.

Evidence submitted by the band’s counsel included a specially-commissioned poll which asked why fans and general punters might have stopped buying U2 records. According to the poll, a staggering 89% of those polled replied saying it was because they thought that U2 “had turned into a bunch of cunts”.

When the results were broklen down further it was revealed that the dislike for U2 mainly stemmed from them “looking like utter bell-ends”.

Ms Cashman countered this claim saying that she herself had evidence of a poll proving that more than 68% of the population believed that U2 have always been cunts. This evidence however, was thrown out by the judge on the grounds of the unreliability of the cuntiness index.

This, of course, left Mr Justice Maxi O’Bonbon, with no option other than to find for the plaintiffs. Summing up Judge O’Bonbon said

“It seems perfectly clear to me that whilst the plaintiffs were once a hugely popular band among young and old alike, something has happened over the last few years that has damaged their standing as ‘cool’ amongst the younger record-buying public.

Now from the evidence presented to me here, there can be no doubt that this antipathy from the youngsters can only be attributable to their perception that the band are ridiculous, wankerish-looking cunts. And, in Mr Hewson, who frankly was sailing pretty close to the wind by changing a perfectly normal name to Bono, to so misguidedly decide to portray himself as a kind of United Nations gay cowboy, they truly do have a cunt of the first order.

As their stylist, presumably being responsible for this so-called image, I hereby find Ms Cashman guilty of all charges that I am about to make up.”

Coming Soon In Our New "Weekender" Magazine!

2006-11-15T08:40:00.000Z

How Elton Got his Boyfriend To Blow His Wad in Harrods Shopping Bender.

Sadam: Have I Got Noose For You - I Will Not Go Down For A Long Stretch.

Barrymore Denies Glory Hole Moment In £1.99 Kids Paddling Pool.

George Bush: Why I Like To Spank The Monkey Everyday!

Caption Competition: Results

2006-11-10T14:31:00.000Z

Ok news-bummers, you’ve been waiting with bated breath for it all week and now here are the winners of this week’s caption competition. As you no doubt remember, we gave you this picture of US President George Bush to mark what has been a bad week for him as the Republicans lost control of both houses in the mid-term elections.

Firstly, our runners-up are:

Paul Robeson: “Smell my fingers mustache man.”

Frank Bough: “Can I go to the toilet please?”

Peter Sutcliffe: “The President’s waving.”

Once again, hearty congratulations to you all and we hope you enjoy your special prize (generously donated by Johnson&Johnson) of a year’s supply of Tena Lady piss-protection pads.

In first place with the caption that made us guffaw in an almost epileptic manner was Mrs E. Braun with her masterpiece, which you can read below. Well done Mrs Braun and we hope you enjoy your star prize Interactive DVD box-set of World War 2 Death Camps: The Out-takes.

The Senate is shocked when Mr Bush at long last owns up to something bad he has done, when the House was asked who curled one off on the toilet floor.

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