Aliens Live Among Us?

It is 60 years since the world heard the words flying saucer to depict an unidentified flying object in the sky. And since that moment, millions of people around the globe have claimed to have seen or been visited by beings from another planet. Today we look at some of the reports from the archives of the NUTAS, the National Union of Terrestrial Accounts.

1957, Waco, Texas - Mr Charles Kock saw a large saucepan shaped object flying quickly towards him whilst arguing with his wife. Mr Kock suddenly lost conciousness and was later found on the kitchen floor with a large bruise on his head and a cucumber in his rectum.

1963, Sodhall, Wilts - Mrs Barbara Whire awoke one summers evening to a presence in her room, a humanoid type creature entered her bed and began to babble in an incoherant language, before trying and failing to probe Mrs Whire with a limp flesh like protusion.

1946, Witeshew, Connecticut- Miss Ophelia Tippend was being driven home by her boyfriend when the car unexpectedly ran out of fuel near a layby. Miss Tippend claims that her boyfriend, Mr Airy Bush, was possessed by an alien being and attempted a 'cross gender insemination'. Miss Tippen awoke the next day to find her boyfriend missing and 9 months later, her alien love child was born. The boy, George, was last seen applying for governor of Texas...

PM Brown Takes Credit For Journalist Release

Prime Minister Gordon Brown today announced that he was the driving force behind the sensational release of kidnapped BBC journalist Alan Johnston.

Mr Brown called an emergency press conference at 11am this morning in response to claims from Hamas that they had secured Mr Johnston’s freedom from a rival terrorist group. Addressing the nation’s press the PM said:

“Many of you will have watched last weekend’s thrilling season finale of Doctor Who in which the Doctor, very ably played by my fellow Scotsman David Tennant I must add, released himself, and then the planet Earth, from the evil clutches of The Master by tapping himself into the worldwide psychic network. You remember?

Well, that’s pretty much what I did to obtain Alan Johnston’s release from the evil clutches of The Army of Islam. For the last year now, whilst my predecessor Tony ‘Tony’ Blair was waging war with all and sundry in an inexplicably immoral attempt to assuage his blood-lust, I myself had wired into the universe-wide psychic network. My aim was merely to save Britons in peril as a result of Blair’s crackpot campaign in the Middle East.

Secretly, I had sent my acolytes David Milliband and Ed Balls around the world to persuade every person on the planet to say just one word at precisely 6am this morning. That word was ‘Brown’. The sheer force of six billion people chanting ‘Brown, Brown’ was enough to make the kidnappers spontaneously combust in a huge mushroom cloud of their own faeces and fanaticism. The release of Alan Johnston was then a formality.”

It was put to Mr Brown that no-one present in the room had actually done such a thing, nor had they spoken to anyone who had got up especially early just to start shouting the word Brown. Except comedian Graham ‘Norto’ Norton obviously. But he is known to do this every morning for reasons best kept to himself. Anyway, the PM continued:

“Well of course! That’s the clever bit. After the shit-based psychic channelling managed to release the journalist, I decided to put the world back to the way it was just before-hand so that none of you would remember what grave danger we were all in. And I would have left it at that until those glory-hunting rascals in Hamas decided to steal the credit.”

We tried to get a reaction to the PM’s sensational claims from the Leader of the Opposition, David Cameron. Unfortunately, Mr Cameron was weeping uncontrollably. His child-like wails were only punctuated by a forlorn lament that the Phillips screwdriver in his hand did not magically open stuff like the Doctor’s.

LibDem leader Ming Campbell offered to comment on the controversial speech, but really, life’s too short. So we put Mr Brown’s ‘points’ to the man he replaced as PM, Tony Blair. Mr Blair could only snarl “What an utter fucking one-eyed shitbag.”