Transgender MP takes the P***

In Italy, a row has broken out when a female MP entered a women's toilet to be confronted by a transgender MP.

Former showgirl and now a member of the Fozzi Bertalia party, Maria Stripova, entered the toilets with a whip, and found the MP for Manfredonia allegedly urinating in the sink.

The incident led to Miss Stripova forcing the whip onto transgender MP, Mr Baldo Baggio.

The Bertalia party whip, Enzo Benzo, challenged Mr Baggio, chasing him out of the toilets before physically manhandling him between the cloisters.

Mr Benzo claims that Mr Baggio was "visibly shaking" and "dribbling" but was eventually able to zip up his fly and explain what he was doing in the womens W.C.

To stop this unfortunate incident from happening in the future, Mr Baggio is calling for a third 'transgender' toilet to be installed in the Italian parliament buildings, with vanity set, pluck and wax area and art deco piss trough with matching shaving mirror.

OAP in Illegal Gun Haul

A Penshioner from Wales has been jailed for 5 years after police found 111 weapons in his home.

'Buffulo' Bill Jones, 94 had collected guns since the early 1940's.

During proceedings, Mr Jones' barrister told the court that, "the world was a different place when Mr Jones began his collection. During the 1940's, Mr Jones' hometown of Mfwanny Kradic, was over run with strange, khaki clad men and women, walking around with guns. So, Mr Jones decided to collect weapons for his own protection".

Mr Jones' collection included 32 blunderbuss', 21 flintlock rifles, 16 gatling guns and numerous 'spud guns'. Jones also had a collection of butter knives and 28 pea shooters.

Mr Jones is appealing against his sentence, claiming he had set up his own 'gun amnesty' programme, where people from the local community could hand over their weapons to Mr Jones, who would then send them to a friend doing charity work in the hills of Afghanistan.

Numerous large wooden boxes were found in Mr Jones' house labelled 'Mr Bill Larden, Cave 21, Hindu Kush, Afghantistan A55 0LE'.

Dogs Turn to Drugs to Escape Fireworks

A statement made by the National Veterinary Society today, claims that dogs are turning to hard drugs to escape from their firework nightmares. "Some dogs have been suffering firework distress for many years and are taking to drugs as a last resort", said a spokesperson for the NVS.

Yesterday's Knews investigators have uncovered disturbing statistics regarding dog drug abuse.

The statistics show that almost 90% of the British doggy community have 'dabbled' in drugs, with nearly 50% of 'lady dogs' taking some form of drugs every week. This problem was higlighted recently by British Big Beat band The Prodigy with their charity single "smack my bitch up".

The lack of canine 'drop-off' centre's, were dogs can go to get treatment for their condition, has lead to a large population of hard-core animals turning to burgalry and other crimes. One such dog was caught last week trying to rob the local off-licence. The off-licence owner was able to identify the criminal by his distinctive gruff accent and burberry dog collar which was visible through the blacked out muffler the offender was wearing as a disguise.

Yesterday's Knews have received a photograph of the accomplice to this crime who was spotted at the scene but has not yet been caught, if you see the offender, police are warning the public not to approach him, but call dog nappers on 1234-567-890.

Defoe Hungry for Success

English Premier League player, Jermain Defoe, has apparently been caught on camera biting an opponent. The Tottenham Hotspurs striker is believed to have bitten the arm of West Ham United midfielder Javier Mascherano during Sunday afternoons premiership clash.

Defoe has defended his actions, claiming he reacted to fouls made against him in a 'mischevious' manner, "my character is a bit like that at times", he added.

However, He does agree that his actions did not look great on TV and he told a Yesterday's Knews reporter that "From now on, I'll take out my hungry frustrations on a chinese instead".

Yesterday's Knews can confirm that Manchester City defender Sun Jihai and Sheffield United's Li Tie are preparing for the worst.

New Zealand 'Knicker-Vicar' Saves Blushes

A New Zealand vicar has come to the aid of local women, after the only clothing shop in town stopped selling womens underwear. The 'knicker-vicar' now arranges a regular 'knicker-run' to the nearest large town to stock up on supplies.






"It's always been difficult finding the essentials for women in the bush" reported the vicar, "During the first run we had major problems. The convoy ran into a road-block and we all had to slam-on. Tons of knickers fell off the trucks, there where skid marks everywhere. But this was only a brief problem and we were soon back on track".

Welcome Home Borat?

Officials from Kazakhstan have invited Borat, the controversial Kazak spokesman, to return to his homeland and become 'inducted' into their customs once again.

Borat has stunned the world in his movie 'Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan', and no, thats not a mis-print.

In his movie, Borat portrays Kazakhstan as a nation of misogynists, racists and anti-semites, which Kazak ministers have strenuosly denied. One Official spoke to Yesterday's Knews. "We are not like these people Borat claims. If Borat comes home, he will learn that women can drive cars, wine can be made from grapes and Jews are free to go to synagogues". When asked whether there are any cars, wine or synagogues in Kazakhstan, the official reluctantly replied "Err...no".

To hear Borats response to his critics, click here http://www.borat.tv/response.htm

Clown Conference Opens in Mexico

The 11th convention of the Fraternity of Latin Clowns opened in Mexico City yesterday and continues throughout the week.

The conference is designed to allow clowns to share their experiences.

However, it is also an opportunity for some members to vent their anger at some governments' refusal to acknowledge their existence.





Other clowns have pointed out the serious nature of their business. "Clowning is not something to laugh at", claimed one member, who calls himself Big Brother Clown.

During the week long event, organisers have set up a number of workshops including '10 ways to make magic funny' and 'Clown Hat, helpful friend or lethal weapon?'.

We hope to bring you more news from the clown convention throughout the week.

Madonna and Child

Pop superstar Madonna has defended her actions in adopting a child from Malawi.

Madonna claimed that she had acted according to the laws of adoption and claimed that she wanted to help a child escape a life of hardship and poverty.

This strange policy of adopting children from third world countries by millionaire film and music stars has led some to claim that this is the ultimate fashion accessory. What can you buy someone who has everything?

Our exclusive picture shows the scene as Madonna chose her adopted child with what we believe to be the words "I'll have that one...". The relief on the other children's faces show how fearful they were that they may have been the unfortunate 'chosen one', to go and live with the attention seeking freaks.

Madonna's husband, film director Guy Ritchie, has been noticable in his silence during the adoption process. However, Yesterday's Knews sources claim his next movie will be based on his own personal experiences and will be titled Adopt, Shock and Two Whisky Barrels.

KKK in baby boom experiments

Disturbing pictures revealed today have shown how the Ku Klux Klan are preparing to increase their population through a massive birthrate explosion experiment amongst their followers.

A secret undercover Yesterdays Knews reporter has provided photgraphic evidence of this sickening experiment and we show it here to warn the world of this possible threat to world stability.

Stay here for more news on this ongoing story.

England keeper's turf war

England's 2-0 defeat on Wednesday against Croatia has left the English FA in uproar. The crucial second goal came from a pass-back to the keeper which appeared to hit a divot in the turf and bounced over the attempted clearance by Brit keeper, Paul Robinson.

However, officials in the English FA are claiming that there was a mole in the Croation camp who provided vital assistance in their victory.



Here at Yesterday's Knews we have gained exclusive footage taken of the divot moments after the crucial second goal and our picture here appears to be conclusive.

Softly, softly catchee monkey

Yesterday's story on the Delhi monkey's has opened the worlds eyes to the plight of these forgotten animals. Today however, we look at the other side of the coin as we talk to a local monkey-catcher about his career.

"I have been catching monkeys here in Delhi since I was 5 years old" announced Ayanjit Vajpayee who is now 65. "In the past, most of the monkeys showed respect to their human neighbours, opening doors, helping old ladies across the road, stuff like that. Nowadays though, most of them are out of control". Mr Vajpayee claims that he can capture upto 15 monkeys in anyone day earning around £2 per monkey.

Mr Vajpayee also has a close relationship with one of his captured monkey's although he would not disclose exactly how close.

Indian courts throw out monkeys

India's Supreme court has ordered captured monkey's on the streets of Delhi to be transferred to forests in Madhya Pradesh.

The monkeys have been terrorising the local community for many years, stealing food, binge drinking, stealing cars and hanging around the local temples in 'gangs'. In one incident horrified bureaucrats had their top secret documents ripped up by one gang calling themselves 'the banana bunch'. One gang member spoke to our reporter "What do they expect us to do? There are no jobs for us except for organ grinders assistant or a bit part at the local zoo. Both jobs only pay peanuts, and I only like grapes". In a future report, we look at the plight of the Delhi monkey-catchers.

On hearing the news one local gang member looked visibly shaken.

Let us he-address the situation

In the UK, the House of Commons leader, Jack Straw, has infuriated Muslim women this week, by claiming that Muslim women who wear the veil make community relations difficult.

Over the last few days, numerous Ministers and senior officials have come out and defended Straw's comments.

However, most of the UK believe that all MP's hide behind a 'veil' of lies and secrets and until they remove their mask relations between the public and MP's will always be difficult. Is Jack Straw right? or is he just a right Burkha? You decide...


In the US, Condoleeza Rice backed Jack Straws comments by claiming that she has been asked numerous times to remove her mask, but has been unable to convince the requestee that she isn't wearing one.

Mel Gibson in drunken anti-semitic outburst

Lethal Weapon, Mel Gibson, poured out more than a few beers recently, after being arrested for speeding. On July 28th 2006, Braveheart was stopped for speeding in of all places...Malibu (thats also the name of a type of alcoholic drink for those that don't know).

During his arrest, he claimed that Jews are the cause of all wars and demanded to know if the arresting officer was Jewish.

A spokesman announced today that Gibson's next movie will not be titled, 'My friend Hitler and the fake Holocaust'.

North Korean Nuclear Test

So, North Korea have tested a nuclear weapon...allegedly! Reports in today claim it could well have been a stray US missile from the 1st gulf war. "It wouldn't be the first time we've missed the target", said a US General.

Condemnation has been widespread across the globe. In the UK, Tony Blair frowned, in France, Jacques Chirac shrugged his shoulders.

In the US, George Bush appeared to show concern when he heard that Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are to appear on TV together after their recent bust-up.

"We will not accept this act. We will not allow these people onto our TV screens, terrorising our Nation!".

Bush went on to say "I used to like Kim Jong Il, I thought he was great in Team America".