Yesterday's TV Today

Hello again. Now we realise that many of our fans out there might be sitting around wondering what might be on TV tonight in a totally made-up, total rip-off of Charlie Brooker’s seminal website TVGoHome but nowhere near as funny – type way.

Well, we don’t like to disappoint you so here are some snippets for tonight so don’t say we don’t ever give you anything you ungrateful pigs.


7.00 pm Heil Terry! Terry Wogan takes a light-hearted look at Nazi Germany and re-enacts some memorable moments with the help of fellow TV stars Patrick Mower, Sue Cook and Art Malik.
This week: 'The Night of the Long Knives'. Terry orders the execution of former ally Ernst Rohm (Gaby Roslin). Guest-starring John Virgo as the knives.

7.45pm Travels with Mr T He ain't gettin’ on no plane fool but A-Team star Mr T takes us on an overland trek through the Atacama Desert armed only with some nuts and bolts that were carelessly discarded by a seemingly ruthless band of American crimelords, and a supply of cabbages. Will he miraculously stumble upon all the raw materials he needs to build an armoured tank and rescue the imprisoned nuns held by bloodthristy Nicaraguan mercenaries? What do you think fool?

8.45 pm Maxibonbon! Madcap Spanish gameshow hosted by Brian Dennehy. Childless couples compete against each other in a series of zany tasks and challenges to win a baby's worth of vouchers from the Gilbert Deya Ministries.

9.45 pm Captain Birdseye's Video Diaries What's the Cap'n up to this week? He's only gone and scuttled six Bosnian sailors in Bottomy Bay. See exclusive pictures and special behind-the-porthole action.

10.15 pm Mr Wendal One-off musical dramatising the story of the hard-hitting Arrested Development hit of the early 90's about a homeless drifter. Starring David Suchet as the African-American itinerant and featuring the cast of now sadly defunct five soap Family Affairs as the government conspiracists living in his booze-fuelled head.

Yesterday's TV

Starting today, Yesterday's Knews will be reviewing the top telly programmes and giving you the lowdown on what to watch on the box.

Tuesday

10:00pm C-um Dancing - Latino dancers glide across the milked up floor, in their sequined crotchless under-crackers.

10:30pm Fanny By Gaslight - Period drama, in tonight’s episode, Charles eventually gets gas installed at Cokhall Manor, so that he no longer has to wipe up the waxy residue from his large candle, whilst Fanny awaits the gas-mans arrival to erect his piping up her flue..

11:00pm Chocolate StarGate SG2 - Fantasy Adventure, Captain Brownhole discovers a new stargate and probes it with his large weapon. Major Buttman asks Commander Emma Roid to keep a tight grip of Corporal Punishment as his form has wained recently, but she soon licks him into shape.

Stay tuned for our next TV review.

World's Tallest Man Saves Dolphin

The world's tallest man saved two dolphins this week. Mongolian herdsman, Bao Xishun, used his 1.06m long arms to remove plastic shards from inside the dolphin's stomach's. Mr Bao, aged 54 and 7ft 8.95 inches tall was given the cleaning bill of a number of onlookers after waving to his friend during the extraction and splattering the public with rotten fish and dolphin bile.

It is believed that this may start a trend with record holders trying to out do each other with their acts of heroism. Yesterday's Knews reporters have learnt that Indias fattest man, Ima Skineebugga, who weighs in at 3 and a half stone, will attempt to eat the parasites off a blue whale, whilst the worlds oldest man, Wi Go'on, believed to be 392 years old, is currently at base camp at the foot of Everest, preparing to remove painful piles from the Yeti with his shrivelled gums.

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Yesterday's Knews

Yesterday's Knews

B.A. Cross With Cross Wearing Emplyee

B A has yet again come under fire for banning another of its employees from wearing religious symbols outside of their uniforms. Christian symbolism is apparently the main area of concern for the failing airline at present.

The employee who is currently off on unpaid leave who did not wish to be named confirmed, “I was shocked to say the least when I was asked to put my cross away as I have seen other colleagues wearing symbols of their religion. I was working at terminal 2 at Heathrow when I was asked by management to stop processing passengers for their flight. I was asked to go to a side room used by personnel and made to feel that I had done something wrong. When I was asked to remove my cross I was struck dumb but not by god I hasten to add.”

The employee looked visibly stressed at this moment but managed to continue, “I was informed that I must remove the cross and to go back to work. I felt I was being discriminated on religious grounds and refused to remove the cross. I am very upset by this situation and wish people would be more tolerant of all religions. Yes it may be big and a little cumbersome but I feel I need to let people see that I am a devout Christian.”

Under rules drawn up by BA's 'diversity team' and 'uniform committee', Sikh employees can even wear the traditional iron bangle - even though this would usually be classed as jewellery - while Muslim workers are also allowed prayer breaks during work time.
The employee explained that the cross was not jewellery but an expression of their deep Christian faith.

The employee said last night: "I will not hide my belief in the Lord Jesus. British Airways permits Muslims to wear a headscarf, Sikhs to wear a turban and other faiths religious apparel. The B.A. employee in question would not allow us to view the cross that has brought so much, media interest. However, we do have a picture of the cross being worn by the employee prior to their sending home.

It has been three weeks now that the BA employee has been placed on unpaid leave. We asked a BA spokesperson what the current situation is.

Mrs M Luther confirmed, “Unfortunately a current employee has been sent home due to the wearing of a religious symbol that breaches our employment dress code policy. We asked the employee to remove the said symbol, however they refused and we had no choice but to send them home. The matter is now being handled by a tribunal and as such we are unable to comment any further on the matter. However I will say that the health and safety issues the employees cross has brought up needs to be addressed. We had a few complaints from passengers tripping over the cross in question. This has to stop the costs in court cases has increased ten fold in the last year alone. ”


When asked if other non Christians were still able to wear religious symbols of their faiths she replied, “Yes they are but we feel that a cross can be deemed offensive to other employees and passengers within the terminals of Heathrow.”

The tribunal is due to start in two weeks time. The employee said, “You have to have faith and hope in such matters” and perhaps a very good solicitor as well Yesterdays Knews feels.

Cold Nipples Nearly Cripples Nude model at art class

A nude model who poses for still life art classes has gone on strike because the room where she works is too cold. At one stage it has been alleged that icicles had formed on the models personage.
Daphne Jutland said she had been left with a stiff neck and sore shoulders and rather frosty ripples because of a faulty air conditioning unit at Derby College.

It has been that cold lately my nipples have been like glass cutters. It was so bad last Monday the art students were hanging their coats on my nip nops like a coat stand.

The 44-year-old from Sand batch said she had "never encountered such difficult conditions", and she was refusing to pose again until the chilly problem is solved. “I very much doubt anyone would accept the offer of a few drops of anti-freeze on my raspberries as a viable solution to the problem as suggested by the vice-principle.”

Mark Woods, college vice-principal, stuttered to Yesterdays Knews: "We've provided heating and I'm not sure what else we can do. As for my joke about anti-freeze I was trying to merely warm the situation up. I have tried to get a better look at the problem but Ms Jutland keeps covering herself up. I am a very hands on type of person but in this case my hands have been tied"

We have been informed by a medical specialist that in years to come we could witness the first person to develop arthritis of the nipples if this matter is not addressed.