Cerys Cashes In

In yet more frozen-food related news, it has been reported that Cerys Matthews looks set to sell off the last vestiges of her musical credibility by agreeing to become the new face of Iceland.

The freezer store giant recently announced that they had dropped troubled personality Kerry Katona from their TV ad campaigns (for unspecified reasons we must add – but we can all have a good guess eh?) and were known to be on the lookout for a replacement to appeal to their key demographic: ITV reality show viewers.

Ms Matthews is believed to have attracted the attention of the Icleand execs after appearing on 'I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here', when she received huge media coverage for her unedifying love affair with tubby romancer Marc Bannerman.

The deal is expected to be announced later today after Cerys and the ad execs made a series of compromises:

Cerys will now agree to sing a cheap and nasty jingle in the ads in exchange for more cash. And Iceland have agreed to cast failed actor Bannerman in a minor role in their upcoming ice pops advertisement.

The only sticking point still to be ironed out is now whether or not she actually has to eat the slurry shown on screen.

Monkey Nuts

In Northern India, unemployed youths are being trained to sterilise monkeys, in an attempt to keep the growing population in check. As was reported here recently, the monkey population in India has caused severe problems with yobish behaviour, vandalism, graffiti, and drunken, loutish behaviour by a small minority of the simian population.

A spokesmonkey for the British And North Asian Neutering Apes Society (BANANAS) claimed that the problems of young monkeys and the gang culture that surrounds them, gave the government no other option than sterilisation, to stop any further youngsters becoming involved in the future.

One of the youths involved in the sterilisation process, spoke of his excitement at his new role. Chopya Balsoff, 17, spoke of his enthusiam, "I cant wait to get stuck in, we get 1 ruppee for each sterilsed monkey, but the producers of "I'm a Celebrity..." give us 10 ruppees for each testicle...don't know what they do with them though?". Spokesmen for "I'm a Celebrity..." Mr Ant and Mr Dec denied any knowledge of the illigal monkey ball purchases, claiming that they only ever use fresh kangaroo testicles in all their tasks.