Clarkson Rapped Over Gay Car Jibe

Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson was slammed today by TV regulators for making a homophobic remark on the hit BBC2 show.

In a January edition of the weekly motoring magazine, Clarkson, 44, referred to a car as “a bit ginger beer”, which is thought to be rhyming slang for "queer”, a pejorative term for homosexuals.

OFCOM, the regulatory body responsible for British television, launched an inquiry after receiving five complaints from viewers about the remark. It is not known whether the complainants were actually pillow-biters themselves but “it seems pretty likely”, according to our secret TV source.

After the seven-week investigation was concluded, OFCOM ruled that Clarkson had brought television into disrepute and caused great offence to gays everywhere, pathetic and unattractive women who desperately crave the attention of gays, the car (which is resolutely hetero), the car’s family and friends, ginger beer drinkers, ginger-haired people, ginger nut biscuits and communists.

This is not the first time the plain-speaking TV host and journalist has courted controversy with his no-nonsense remarks. In August 1998 he was reprimanded by his BBC paymasters for saying that the French need to “just fuck off” and he offended many animal-rights activists in November 2003 saying they “should all die like rats”.

Clarkson was unrepentant last night at his luxury home in the Isle of Man. He said he would reluctantly apologise for the remark but not in the way the complainants would be expecting:

“I am sorry…..I suppose. Now I wish I hadn’t gone with the ginger beer reference. I think I ought to have said something more oblique. Like saying the car was ‘a tad lemonade’.”

When questioned as to the relevance of ‘lemonade’ Jezza boomed:

“Come on! The gays love sticking lemons up each other’s arses. And they’ve all got Aids!”

Mick Hits Back At ‘Tight’ Claim

Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger has hit back at claims by his ex-wife Jerry Hall that he was "tight".

In an exclusive chat with our showbiz correspondent, Polly Twatt, a clearly incensed Jagger sought to put the record straight, saying Hall’s claims were “absurd”.

“I have been hanging around with too many degenerate, self-styled bohemian, pretend art-types for the past thirty years for my little freckle to still be tight, I can tell you. I'd say I'm pretty loose, if anything.

She (Jerry) knows as well I do that back in the 70’s me, Elton, Bowie and Freddie always had our fingers up each others’ man-holes. It was just the done thing at the time and so what if I have to wear ManPampers nowadays? I’m loaded aren’t I?”

Jagger did not confirm whether or not he intended to sue Ms Hall for impugning his hard-fought reputation as a thoroughly grubby, debased sexual pervert for our time as he is still in discussions with his legal team, Cuthbert, Dibble & Grub.

We asked top London barrister, Mr Percy Oswestry QC, for his views on the potential court case. He told us that he thought it “unlikely” under the British legal system that a case would be brought to court concerning a matter so “fundamentally unsound”.

Mr Oswestry also informed us that he once “inserted a Toffee Crisp bar into Michael Parkinson’s botty” but had to run away when it started melting.

Our New Blog

Well, we've been at this blog lark on and off for around 8 months now and its been enjoyable. Myself, Greg and Dave have been writing comedy scripts for a number of years and we have now set up a new blog where we will be presenting our sketches. If you enjoy comedy, check out our new blog and give us some feedback. You can find our new blog at http://comedyscripts.blogspot.com/

Cheers

MJ

Oooh La La! ‘Gay’ Paris Set For Jailhouse Skin Flick

Celebrity heiress Paris Hilton now looks certain be sent to be sent to prison next month after her appeal was thrown out today.

In a decision that is bound to horrify the emaciated trollop, California District Judge Dick Nasty ruled that there were no legal grounds to appeal a jail sentence based simply on the basis that the guilty party didn’t really want to go.

He also disregarded the online petition set up by Miss Hilton’s friends and acolytes as irrelevant, saying

“Just because 20,000 simpletons somehow manage to type their names on a pathetic and frankly illiterate plea for mercy on behalf of a convicted criminal, it matters not a jot to me. I have already gone to substantial expense setting up special spy cameras throughout the KD Lang Memorial Detention Center and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to return on my investment!”

With her appeal now failed, Miss Hilton is due to begin her sentence on 5th June and we can reveal that her fellow prisoners are eagerly awaiting her entrance. There is palpable excitement within the prison that anyone fortunate enough to bag themselves a bit of enforced lesbianism with Hilton, on hidden camera of course, will inevitably attain fame and notoriety of their own.

Our pornography correspondent, Tom Hank, believes there is already a fierce bidding war taking place between the adult movie world’s most powerful players for the exclusive rights to the as-yet unmade feature. The un-named smut-merchants who are offering in excess of $10 million for the 'banged up' girl-on-girl filth are thought to be Terry "The Assman" Lawson and Spank Productions overlord John Leslie.

One thing we do know for sure is that Miss Hilton looks certain to increase her already obscene personal fortune when the movie is finally “accidentally” released later next month.

Hugh Bully! Actor Grant Accused Of Being a Bean Turd

Actor Hugh Grant has been arrested over an allegation of assault with a deadly weapon after battering a photographer with a tin of baked beans.

Snapper Ian Watkins told the Daily Jugs newspaper he was kicked in the groin before the vicious attack with the beans.

Apparently Grant was enraged that the paparazzo had been standing around taking photographs of his own genitalia instead of capturing “action shots” of Mr Grant leaving his agent’s office in Mayfair.

Grant, 46, demanded that Mr Watkins “put that thing away” and “do your job, please, if err, it wouldn’t , you know, err be too much trouble, err, err”

The terrifying ordeal was witnessed by a local shopkeeper, Beverley Allitt, who said that Grant was clearly provoked by the snapper who wittily told Mr Grant to “clear off back to Notting Hill, actor boy”. Grant took a moment to fully absorb the cruel and hateful barb, before running straight at the pap and delivering a massive boot to his testicular area.

Sensing that this was clearly insufficient punishment for such a disgraceful verbal offensive, Hugh Grant then went into his suit jacket pocket and pulled out a tin of Heinz beans. Grant then proceed to smash the snapper’s head in with the beans, raining down blows and only pausing briefly when the tin burst open, to greedily gobble up the split baked bean goodness that only Heinz can deliver.

Eventually, with his blood-lust craved by the astonishing rampage, Grant is believed to have taunted his alleged victim with a tin of All-day Breakfast saying that he was “a no-mark” and that he “would never make it in life to enjoy gourmet treats such as tinned eggs, bacon, beans and sausages made out of chicken.” After devouring the whole tin without cutlery (eyewitnesses stated that the actor used his improvisation skills and used the chicken-sausages as a knife and fork) Grant left the scene and did not re-emerge until his arrest yesterday.

We asked the amiable comedians and co-hosts of the Friday Night Project, Justin Lee Collins and Alan Carr, to sum up the effect this might have on Hugh Grant’s career. And to end the piece with a few fairly inoffensive puns, obviously. Justin said:

“The Grant, he does love his Heinz doesn’t he? Well he’s gonna be looking forward to receiving 57 varieties of bum rape if he gets sent down for this!”

Alan ooh-erred “And the next sausages he’ll be eating, won’t be made out of chicken either.”

Justin retorted “No Al, they’ll be cocks.”