Actor Hugh Grant has been arrested over an allegation of assault with a deadly weapon after battering a photographer with a tin of baked beans.
Snapper Ian Watkins told the Daily Jugs newspaper he was kicked in the groin before the vicious attack with the beans.
Apparently Grant was enraged that the paparazzo had been standing around taking photographs of his own genitalia instead of capturing “action shots” of Mr Grant leaving his agent’s office in Mayfair.
Grant, 46, demanded that Mr Watkins “put that thing away” and “do your job, please, if err, it wouldn’t , you know, err be too much trouble, err, err”
The terrifying ordeal was witnessed by a local shopkeeper, Beverley Allitt, who said that Grant was clearly provoked by the snapper who wittily told Mr Grant to “clear off back to Notting Hill, actor boy”. Grant took a moment to fully absorb the cruel and hateful barb, before running straight at the pap and delivering a massive boot to his testicular area.
Sensing that this was clearly insufficient punishment for such a disgraceful verbal offensive, Hugh Grant then went into his suit jacket pocket and pulled out a tin of Heinz beans. Grant then proceed to smash the snapper’s head in with the beans, raining down blows and only pausing briefly when the tin burst open, to greedily gobble up the split baked bean goodness that only Heinz can deliver.
Eventually, with his blood-lust craved by the astonishing rampage, Grant is believed to have taunted his alleged victim with a tin of All-day Breakfast saying that he was “a no-mark” and that he “would never make it in life to enjoy gourmet treats such as tinned eggs, bacon, beans and sausages made out of chicken.” After devouring the whole tin without cutlery (eyewitnesses stated that the actor used his improvisation skills and used the chicken-sausages as a knife and fork) Grant left the scene and did not re-emerge until his arrest yesterday.
We asked the amiable comedians and co-hosts of the Friday Night Project, Justin Lee Collins and Alan Carr, to sum up the effect this might have on Hugh Grant’s career. And to end the piece with a few fairly inoffensive puns, obviously. Justin said:
“The Grant, he does love his Heinz doesn’t he? Well he’s gonna be looking forward to receiving 57 varieties of bum rape if he gets sent down for this!”
Alan ooh-erred “And the next sausages he’ll be eating, won’t be made out of chicken either.”
Snapper Ian Watkins told the Daily Jugs newspaper he was kicked in the groin before the vicious attack with the beans.
Apparently Grant was enraged that the paparazzo had been standing around taking photographs of his own genitalia instead of capturing “action shots” of Mr Grant leaving his agent’s office in Mayfair.
Grant, 46, demanded that Mr Watkins “put that thing away” and “do your job, please, if err, it wouldn’t , you know, err be too much trouble, err, err”
The terrifying ordeal was witnessed by a local shopkeeper, Beverley Allitt, who said that Grant was clearly provoked by the snapper who wittily told Mr Grant to “clear off back to Notting Hill, actor boy”. Grant took a moment to fully absorb the cruel and hateful barb, before running straight at the pap and delivering a massive boot to his testicular area.
Sensing that this was clearly insufficient punishment for such a disgraceful verbal offensive, Hugh Grant then went into his suit jacket pocket and pulled out a tin of Heinz beans. Grant then proceed to smash the snapper’s head in with the beans, raining down blows and only pausing briefly when the tin burst open, to greedily gobble up the split baked bean goodness that only Heinz can deliver.
Eventually, with his blood-lust craved by the astonishing rampage, Grant is believed to have taunted his alleged victim with a tin of All-day Breakfast saying that he was “a no-mark” and that he “would never make it in life to enjoy gourmet treats such as tinned eggs, bacon, beans and sausages made out of chicken.” After devouring the whole tin without cutlery (eyewitnesses stated that the actor used his improvisation skills and used the chicken-sausages as a knife and fork) Grant left the scene and did not re-emerge until his arrest yesterday.
We asked the amiable comedians and co-hosts of the Friday Night Project, Justin Lee Collins and Alan Carr, to sum up the effect this might have on Hugh Grant’s career. And to end the piece with a few fairly inoffensive puns, obviously. Justin said:
“The Grant, he does love his Heinz doesn’t he? Well he’s gonna be looking forward to receiving 57 varieties of bum rape if he gets sent down for this!”
Alan ooh-erred “And the next sausages he’ll be eating, won’t be made out of chicken either.”
Justin retorted “No Al, they’ll be cocks.”
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