Yesterdays Knews Showbiz Awards 2007

Well it’s that time again when we look back at the past year and think about what we’ve learnt. And what better way to celebrate the year than to have another awards show?

So, with that unoriginal thinking in mind, we’re proud to bring you the inaugural Yesterdays Knews Showbiz Awards for 2007 or “The Yessies” as they are certain to never be called by anyone. Ever.

Anyway, without further ado, let’s crack on with the glittering, star-studded ceremony.

To kick things off, it’s the gong for Piss-artist of the Year : There’s been some strong competition in this a vintage year for the new crop of hell-raisers and low-self-respect-having celebrities. The ladies were really showing us how it’s done this year with distinctions going to Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and of course, Amy Winehouse.

However, in part due to his complete lack of knowledge of his own image and mainly due to his brilliant knack of managing to get himself bollocksed in the strangest public places, most notably at Heathrow Airport while lifting up and carrying around the manageress of the Sock Shop and then stumbling around the terminal urging everybody in ear-shot to not “Hassle the Hoff” before slumping into a pathetic drunken stupor and urinating in his pants whilst asleep, this year’s booze-hound of the Year can be none other than David Hasselhoff. Jump in your car Hoff? No thanks mate. It stinks quite strongly of piss.

(As a special Christmas gift, for anyone who hasn’t yet seen it, here’s a link to The Hoff’s now infamous semi-naked drunken hamburger meltdown.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QH3JAp7vMuo

The Carpenters Award for most unsettling brother and sister pop act : X Factor finalists Same Difference. Remember kids, the group that bathes together, stays together.

The Kate Thornton Award for the most disproportionately irritating, vacuous, blonde bastard : Fearne Cotton beats off her namesake Anthony Cotton in what will almost certainly be the only time you’ll ever read that sentence.

The John Gotti Award for being so obviously guilty as fuck but somehow not only getting away with it but seemingly becoming more successful than before : Rat-faced, racist, tit-flopper-out Danielle Lloyd.

The Please Why Don’t You Follow Exactly In The Footsteps Of Your Famous Mother Award : Pea-brained, big-mouthed, rich little gobshite Peaches Geldof.

The Smuggest Prick on the Telly Award : As you might imagine, we’ve had no shortage of contenders for this prized gong. Worth dishonourable mentions this year have been Jeffrey Archer and spivvy business cock Simon Jordan who both “starred” on ITV’s bizarre begging show Fortune, everyone involved in the thankfully now defunct toss-fest that was Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, American Idol dwarf Ryan Seacrest (the only television presenter who always looks like he’s enjoying a delicious ice cream treat) , TV cook “Ooh look at me, I live in the country and am entirely self-sufficient living off home-made soil sandwiches baked in my very own kiln which is powered only by own sense of superiority. Bow down before me you supermarket-frequenting city-dwelling scum” Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall and those absolute shite-eating, cock-rings off the Coke Zero advert.

But, we can only have one winner. And that means that the award for the smuggest, most self-satisfied prick to have shown up on our TV screens this year is Mr Ricky Gervais. He’s won tons of awards, made millions of pounds and has literally arseloads of showbiz mates you know? Just thought we should remind you of that, as he hasn’t mentioned it for the last two days.

And finally, we’re left with the blue ribbon award for Twat of the Year. We’re sure you’ll agree, there’s been a plentiful supply of celebrity twats this year but there is one who towers head and shoulders above them all. Yes, the Yesterdays Knews Twat of the Year 2007 is, for so very many reasons, David Cameron. We know that he’s not an according-to-hoil celeb, but, bearing in mind that quote about politics being showbusiness for ugly people, the Mr Potato Head-faced vapid liar will do quite nicely. And let’s face it, can you think of a bigger twat? Exactly.

That’s all the awards we’ve got time for this year, so all that’s left to do is to wish all of you, on behalf of the Yesterdays Knews team, a very Merry Christmas.

Diary of an Editor

Well, being a car owner, its a very rare occasion that I take public transport, but today was going to be an exception.

That is...until I got to the bus-stop.

Why are all buses these days single deckers?

The queue for the number 20 snaked up the street, and the packed bus looked like the 11:20 train from New Delhi, with people hanging onto the sides for dear life!!

Suffice to say...I declined the trip onto town, but it reminded me of a bus trip I took a while ago...perhaps I'll tell that story tomorrow.

Diary of an Editor...

Here at Yesterday's Knews the editors of your favourite blog site lead interesting and varied lives outside the confines of the internet world. And so, I thought it would be an interesting piece, to do a diary for our readers, giving you an insight into the bizarre world we live in.

And so to start, I will tell you about my strange day.

Its Christmas!! so, I joined the throngs of shoppers to finish off my Christmas present buying. On entering my first shop, a happy looking shop assistant watched me enter, with a smile, and began to slowly follow me around the store...which can be quite uncomfortable when your trying to stuff wooly jumpers into your aluminium lined carrier bag.

Anyway, she walked up to me...a 6 foot, stocky scouser and said "Can I help you? I don't think we have any dresses for you today..." Do I look like Paul O'Grady?? no... But I'll humour her "What!!! you don't have anything in my size?" to which she looked around the shop and pointed out a rubber gimp suit (it was M&S by the way, or is that S&M?) to which I jokingly asked "Do you have anywhere I can try it on??" before smiling at her and leaving the store...

And that is a true story...well...almost...

Godless Clegg Branded A Disgrace

New Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg was slammed by prominent Labour and Conservative MPs last night as it emerged that, disgracefully, he doesn't believe in God.

Senior Tory frontbencher, George Rentboy-Abuser, queried Clegg's right to run a major political party when he won't be able to blame any of his half-baked, incompetent or dangerous policies on an all-powerful deity. "He'll be saying he wants gays in the Navy next, dear me."

The attack from Labour was started by Gordon Brown acolyte, Mike Cocks. Mr Cocks savaged Mr Clegg as "a heathen, rat-shagging devil-man." He reasoned that if Christianity is good enough for our brave and noble leader Mr Brown, it should be plenty good enough for a no-mark, Ethel Austin version of David Cameron.

Mr Clegg was unperturbed by the criticism however, explaining that the popularity of celebrity atheists like Richard Dawkins, has led him to believe that he could corner the market for "the thinking man's (and woman's of course, and hermaphrodites'. Oh and albinos as well) votes."

When quizzed as to how his views would affect his treatment of the clergy should he ever be elected Prime Minister, and therefore Deputy Head of the Church of England, Mr Clegg, after he'd stopped laughing, promised that he would not bash the bishops. "At least not any more than was absolutely necessary".

Yankee Fool-dle Dandy

A sculpture seen by thousands in a Chigaco musuem was pronounced a forgery this week, much to the amusement of us here at Yesterday's Knews Towers!! The Faun, believed to be created by artist Paul Gaugin, was actually created by Shaun Greenhaulgh, from Bolton, and his 84 year old mother, Olive.

This is not the first time Americans have been swindled by us canny Brits!! London Bridge was sold to an American tycoon, who, allegedly, believed it to be the more impressive Tower Bridge. And just this week, the Smithsonian museum bought this painting below...believing it to be the Mona Lisa.

Doctors Say Smoking Causes AIDS

A top medical research group today announced that smoking can give you AIDS. The shock findings were published by the London-based Moseley Group as a result of a thorough week-long medical study.

This follows recent research that declared that smoking also caused diabetes, lactose-intolerance, backache and shitty arses.

According to the paper, a crack team of physicians and scientists studied 10 cases of HIV patients and discovered that 4 of them were smokers. This information was then fed through their supercomputer to extrapolate the results across the global population. Consequently, they have found a clear cause-and-effect between smoking and AIDS with a mathematical likelihood co-efficient of 40.

Presenting the results, Dr Royston Castle PhD, announced “here we find yet another deadly side-effect of this disgusting habit. Smokers of the world, I promise you this, I will not cease from mental flight, nor shall my sword sleep in my hand, till I have blamed every last disease on your filthy chicanery. You scum make me sick. Literally”

Yesterday's Knews Attracts World Wide Attention...

It's official, Yesterday's Knews is attracting attention from across the World Wide Web. The newspaper that gives its readers the world’s news with its very own twist is making a splash beyond these shores. Even before the excellent review from Channel 4's very own 4 Laughs website your favourite newspaper was getting a high level of attention. With the continued high volume of hits our newspaper has been receiving Yesterday's Knews continues to be the newspaper that everyone wants to read.

Yesterday's Knews Christmas Present for all its Readers...

Well, its that time of year again, where a large bearded man in a red coat breaks into your house and empties his sack all over your living room floor. Why we put up with this every year I do not know!! Anyway...here at Yesterday's Knews Towers, we always enjoy the festive spirit...some more than others (hic!) and so to provide our readers with a little festive cheer, we will be creating a Christmas Story!!

This is something myself and my colleagues have done for a number of years now, locked away in our ivory towers. One of us will begin a story, and each of us will take a turn in continuing the story where the other has left off, to create a masterpiece of comical genius!! or not...so here goes...

The Christmas Story...Part 1

"90 degrees in the shade!! I hate the summer..." Santa sat on the beach sipping Pina Colada's and eyeing up the bikini clad ladies. He also hated not having his beard, having to shave it off every summer to remain incognito was beginning to become tiresome. But what worried him most on this hot mid July day, was the news playstation 3's would be the toy of next Christmas...how was he going to afford £300 quid for 2 billion children's presents?...not to mention the numerous recent requests for Mohammed teddy bears!! This was going to be one tricky Christmas...

Over to you Mr GQB...