Who Wins? The Experts Decide

That’s right dear readers, in a week where literally loads of important real news stuff happened (like er some dolphins got lost, Gordon Brown did something shit and the Euro 08 finals started) your trusty purveyor of hard-hitting pretend news stories brings you an in-depth look at the final of The Apprentice.

We’ve gathered an imaginary panel of employment experts and (in fact exclusively) famous people and asked them to examine each candidate, then go away to “blue sky the bugger” and come up with a scientifically-proven winner.

First up is vacuous, serpentine pretty-boy Alex Wotherspoon.

“I think he’s all style over substance” said Conservative leader David Cameron.

“But he’s only 24! And he was privately-educated, so that must mean he is at least intelligent, trustworthy and able to lead” countered ‘Man-Of-The-People’ Education Secretary Alan Johnson.

“Ha! That just shows what you know! I was privately-educated and I’m quite patently a twat,” concluded Mr Cameron “And, trust me on this, you really wouldn’t want me running a major business, I’d only fuck it up compl…..oh crap. See what I mean?”

Next, our panel turned their attention to burly, pony-fancying loudmouth, Claire Young.

Assessing her chances of success are thuggish Lotto lout Michael Carroll and last year’s winner, Simon Ambrose.

“I notice she keeps comparing herself to dangerous dogs like a rottweiler and a German Shepherd, Michael. What do you make of that?”

“Well I’ve got loads of devil dogs in my gaff and I tells ya, if they yapped away like this bird, I’d have shot them in the face by now!” snarled Carroll.

“Well quite. Also, I hear she’s applied to be on Big Brother five times!” Simon added, swiftly changing the subject. “It just makes me wonder whether she really wants the job with Sir Alan or if she just wants to be on TV.”

“Yeah, whatever ponce. Are we done here? Right, I’m off to kick some pensioners up the arse.”

We then move on to the people’s champion, excitable poor-man’s Paul Sculthorpe http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Sculthorpe , Lee “I would never do the reverse pterodactyl in front of Sir Alan” McQueen.

Thanks to the wonders of technology we were able to set up a video-conference to get the exclusive views of on-duty BBC football commentary team, John 'Motty' Motson and Mark 'Lawro' Lawrenson.

John Motson kicked off “I’ll say this about Lee McQueen Mark, he’s a real battler isn’t he? The lad gets stuck in. If only the England team’d had a few Lee McQueens in it, they’d probably be here at the finals.”

Lawro wittily replied “I like the boy Lee McQueen, John. But let’s be honest, England would’nt have qualified if they’d had Steve McQueen and all of the Magnificent Seven!”

Motson summed-up “Tell you what though Lawro, heh heh, if he wins, he’ll be delighted. LEE MCQUEEN WILL BE DELIGHTED!”

Last and by every means least, we’re left with stocky nonentity Helene (“I’m a Global Pricing Leader, I am” Speight.

To discuss the merits of Miss Speight we’ve enlisted the unique talents of Britain’s most beloved polymath Stephen Fry. He waxed lyrical thusly “As you all know, I am the nation’s foremost living wit. On demand, I am noted for my ability to conjure up loquacious anecdotes on any subject of your choice. However, I can honestly proclaim that I can think of nothing whatsoever to say about Helene Speight.”

Stepping into the breach to offer an actual, valid opinion on Miss Speight was the acceptable face of GMTV, Lorraine Kelly. Her verdict was short, succinct and damning in equal measure.

“Her whingeing on about her disadvantaged childhood in the interview round disappointed me greatly. Although, to be fair, it was the first memorable thing she’s done all series. I can’t see Sir Alan falling for this one again though. I mean, she’s no Michele Dewberry is she? Maybe more like two Michelle Dewberries in the one body! Oooh aren’t I awful?”

So, there we have it. We input all of the celebrity-produced data into the Yesterdays Knews supercomputer and can confidently predict that the winner of this year’s Apprentice will be……………..

Alex Wotherspoon!

According to our top-secret supercomputer, Alex comes out on top due to David Cameron’s First Law of Rising Without Trace (Formula: Lack Any Discernible Personality + Keep Head Down + Attack All Opposition + Look Good on Cameras = Become Successful Bastard). Well that and he passed the tie breaker of having the name sounding most like an empire of cut-price booze peddlers and daycare centres for elderly alcoholics and people on the sick.

So well done Alex. And bad luck to the runners-up. Still, there’s always next year. Oh and Claire, duuno if you’ve noticed but a new Big Brother’s just started on 4. If you’re quick, you might make it on this time. See, as BB’s first series star ‘Nasty’ Nick Bateman said “As one door closes, another window opens. A shit-encrusted, broken window, behind which lies everything that’s so hateful about everything. But still a window nonetheless.”

Yesterdays Knews Showbiz Awards 2007

Well it’s that time again when we look back at the past year and think about what we’ve learnt. And what better way to celebrate the year than to have another awards show?

So, with that unoriginal thinking in mind, we’re proud to bring you the inaugural Yesterdays Knews Showbiz Awards for 2007 or “The Yessies” as they are certain to never be called by anyone. Ever.

Anyway, without further ado, let’s crack on with the glittering, star-studded ceremony.

To kick things off, it’s the gong for Piss-artist of the Year : There’s been some strong competition in this a vintage year for the new crop of hell-raisers and low-self-respect-having celebrities. The ladies were really showing us how it’s done this year with distinctions going to Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and of course, Amy Winehouse.

However, in part due to his complete lack of knowledge of his own image and mainly due to his brilliant knack of managing to get himself bollocksed in the strangest public places, most notably at Heathrow Airport while lifting up and carrying around the manageress of the Sock Shop and then stumbling around the terminal urging everybody in ear-shot to not “Hassle the Hoff” before slumping into a pathetic drunken stupor and urinating in his pants whilst asleep, this year’s booze-hound of the Year can be none other than David Hasselhoff. Jump in your car Hoff? No thanks mate. It stinks quite strongly of piss.

(As a special Christmas gift, for anyone who hasn’t yet seen it, here’s a link to The Hoff’s now infamous semi-naked drunken hamburger meltdown.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QH3JAp7vMuo

The Carpenters Award for most unsettling brother and sister pop act : X Factor finalists Same Difference. Remember kids, the group that bathes together, stays together.

The Kate Thornton Award for the most disproportionately irritating, vacuous, blonde bastard : Fearne Cotton beats off her namesake Anthony Cotton in what will almost certainly be the only time you’ll ever read that sentence.

The John Gotti Award for being so obviously guilty as fuck but somehow not only getting away with it but seemingly becoming more successful than before : Rat-faced, racist, tit-flopper-out Danielle Lloyd.

The Please Why Don’t You Follow Exactly In The Footsteps Of Your Famous Mother Award : Pea-brained, big-mouthed, rich little gobshite Peaches Geldof.

The Smuggest Prick on the Telly Award : As you might imagine, we’ve had no shortage of contenders for this prized gong. Worth dishonourable mentions this year have been Jeffrey Archer and spivvy business cock Simon Jordan who both “starred” on ITV’s bizarre begging show Fortune, everyone involved in the thankfully now defunct toss-fest that was Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, American Idol dwarf Ryan Seacrest (the only television presenter who always looks like he’s enjoying a delicious ice cream treat) , TV cook “Ooh look at me, I live in the country and am entirely self-sufficient living off home-made soil sandwiches baked in my very own kiln which is powered only by own sense of superiority. Bow down before me you supermarket-frequenting city-dwelling scum” Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall and those absolute shite-eating, cock-rings off the Coke Zero advert.

But, we can only have one winner. And that means that the award for the smuggest, most self-satisfied prick to have shown up on our TV screens this year is Mr Ricky Gervais. He’s won tons of awards, made millions of pounds and has literally arseloads of showbiz mates you know? Just thought we should remind you of that, as he hasn’t mentioned it for the last two days.

And finally, we’re left with the blue ribbon award for Twat of the Year. We’re sure you’ll agree, there’s been a plentiful supply of celebrity twats this year but there is one who towers head and shoulders above them all. Yes, the Yesterdays Knews Twat of the Year 2007 is, for so very many reasons, David Cameron. We know that he’s not an according-to-hoil celeb, but, bearing in mind that quote about politics being showbusiness for ugly people, the Mr Potato Head-faced vapid liar will do quite nicely. And let’s face it, can you think of a bigger twat? Exactly.

That’s all the awards we’ve got time for this year, so all that’s left to do is to wish all of you, on behalf of the Yesterdays Knews team, a very Merry Christmas.

Bullied Brown Hits Back

Beleaguered Prime Minister Gordon Brown has today moved against his critics in a savage Commons attack.

The PM is said to have been brooding over a string of insults from his opposite numbers, David Cameron and Vince Cable, and reacted to a further remark by Mr Cameron this afternoon with a vicious outburst.

After being branded "Mr Bean" by acting Liberal Democrat leader Mr Cable, the PM complained to the Speaker of the House, saying he was being picked on. This led Conservative leader Mr Cameron to taunt him further with jibes that he was “a rotten, stinking grass” and “why don’t you just run home to mummy, you Cyclops twat”.

It was that final insult that seemed to push Mr Brown over the edge. Trembling with anger, he threw off his jacket, ripped open his shirt and screamed “Come on then! I’ll fuckin’ batter the pair of youse, you fuckin’radges!Aaaarrrggghhhh!”

In unprecedented scenes, the PM then proceeded to vault over the Dispatch Box and headbutt Mr Cameron with considerable force. As the Tory leader lay prostrate on the Commons floor, Mr Brown waded into the Lib Dem benches and dragged Mr Cable out into the centre of the room. The PM grabbed Mr Cable’s testicles and appeared to be squeezing them like Jack Lemmon might’ve squeezed stress balls in the film Glengarry Glenross.

Whilst applying the testicular torture, Mr Brown addressed the Lib Dem chief “Mr Bean am I eh? Think you’re a smartarse do you son? C’moan then, let’s hear another one o’ yir funnies then, ya cunt.”

After Mr Cable tearfully apologised for his insult, the PM released him from his iron-clad grip and the soon-to-be-ex Lib Dem leader crawled away to seek medical help for his devastated conkers.

Mr Brown was finally restrained by half-a-dozen Labour frontbenchers. As he was being ushered out of the Commons, he left a parting shot to the bewildered Opposition by threatening to come back next week “and do the fucking lot of youse. So you'd better look out, awright?”

Brown To Kill Cretins

Prime Minister Gordon Brown, shaken by the negative reception to his policy plans outlined in the Queen’s Speech, has today announced an unashamedly populist addendum.

Mr Brown announced that the government will henceforth adopt a zero-tolerance attitude towards idiotic and irritating words and phrases. He said that he will liaise with Army chiefs in order to put together death squads, who will be charged with “cleaning the braindead filth off the streets of this proud isle we call Britannia”.

Top of Mr Brown’s agenda is tackling the individuals who use the acronym ‘LOL’. From tomorrow onwards, anyone who uses this baffling term on the internet will be identified electronically and, within minutes, can expect a knock at the door from a particularly sadistic execution team. As the PM rightly pointed out “what does this LOL even mean? I haven’t got a clue and I suspect neither do the majority of the British people”.

Also on the PM’s hitlist are any journalist or commenter, either professional or amateur, who think they are showing off their supposedly superior knowledge of pop-culture and entertainment ‘industry-speak’ by using the phrase “jumped the shark” to describe something that is not as good as it used to be. Any person or persons guilty of this abomination will be summarily eviscerated.

In addition, Mr Brown also intends to clamp down on the use of the word “chav” as he rightly pointed out that “there are dozens of perfectly appropriate words already in place for this. What’s wrong with scumbag, bin-dipper, scally, ned, pikey or scrote eh? Eh?”

He continued “and, last but by no means least, any witless retards who still think it’s amusing to indicate disagreement or disapproval by adding ‘….not’ at the end of a sentence will now be knifed in the face by madmen”.

Mr Brown’s plans were rubbished by prospective Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg who sneered “this is craven vote-seeking by the Prime Minister. You would never see such a thing as this from the Liberal Democrats, I can assure you.”

When we put this to Mr Brown he replied “Nick who? I have literally never heard of him”.

And, in response to David Cameron’s claim that he “was going a bit far, what, what, what”, the PM harrumphed “he can fuck off as well”.

We’re Back. Hooray!

Hello again to our loyal band of readers with too much time on your hands. After a lengthy summer break, your favourite sub-standard, hastily-cobbled-together, made-up news website is back to bring you the stories that no-one else could be arsed to think up.

A lot has happened since we were last bothered to update here, so here is a quick summary of the global news events we missed while we were “away”.

The UK was hit by flash floods causing death (well a few) and devastation throughout Yorkshire and the South-East. Although, judging by the English media coverage you’d be forgiven for thinking they’d suffered a biblical storm so mighty that it could bum rape Hurricane Katrina and make her it’s bitch for life.

Forest fires have raged throughout Greece destroying everything in their wake and killing hundreds of people. Or to put it another way, this is a proper life-threatening disaster on a huge and terrifying scale. But do we see any coverage of this in the British news? Do we shite. Why? Because apparently, dead foreign people don’t count as much as a vicar in Cirencester’s Renault getting a bit damp.

The battle for next year’s US Presidential nominations continued apace with some fascinating televised debates revealing that oh, alright then we didn’t watch any of them. But really, did you? Honestly? Go on then, what happened? Why not let us know in the Comments box below if you can remember any inspiring pieces of oratory and haven’t yet lost the will to live.


And finally, a roundup of news in brief:

Big Brother 8 stumbles pathetically to its conclusion like a Scotsman on his way home from an all-night All-the-fortified wine-you can-drink-for a pound party.

Female celebrities have gone mental:

Britney Spears (pissed/ loony/ bald)

Lindsay Lohan (pissed/ arrested/ pissed/ arrested-again)

Amy Winehouse (pissed/ unwell/ pissed/ married/ pissed/ on drugs/ suicide attempt/ drugs collapse/ rehab/ pissed again/ more drugs/ new Pete Doherty etc,etc,etc)

Barry Bonds made baseball history by breaking Hank Aaron’s all-time home-run record. Oh and the Tour De France was once again blighted by numerous doping offences.

(NB- The preceding two sentences just happen to be next to each other to save space and for absolutely no other reason whatsoever.)

Princess Diana, after 10 years, is still dead.

David Cameron is still a twat.