Déjà Vu Time As Brown Ballses It Up Again

Gordon Brown's last-ditch attempt to rescue his premiership lies in tatters today as Britain wakes up thirty years ago.

Following the Labour government’s catastrophic showing in yesterday’s local elections, Gordon Brown has been forced to take desperate measures to attempt to win back public support.

In what has been described by senior civil servants as “a surprise move”, the PM has taken the entire country back in time. Over the last two months, the government’s top advisers have secretly been showing Mr Brown DVD box-sets of the smash-hit BBC TV series, Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes.

So impressed was he with the way these shows captured the public’s affection, Mr Brown has railroaded through the launch of the government’s Super Duper Country Teleporter to take the electorate back to happier, more carefree days.

Unfortunately, however, the Super Duper Country Teleporter was not operational to full capacity when the PM accidentally activated it at 6.30 this morning by banging his head on the “Start Teleporting” button, thereby taking the entire United Kingdom back to 1978.

Our source inside Number 10 can reveal that Mr Brown originally intended to take the nation back to 1973 after watching Life on Mars but then changed his mind after viewing the sequel Ashes to Ashes and threw 1981 into the mix as well. The boss-eyed ditherer was unable to choose between them and thus when the machine was inadvertently turned on this morning, it defaulted to a year somewhere inbetween.

Now the beleagured PM faces the prospect of running a hugely unpopular administration grimly hanging onto the reins of a severely depressed country in the throes of recession with oil prices skyrocketing and industrial disputes breaking out left, right and centre. According to our source “he hopes no-one will notice any difference.”

Shit Storm Threatens To Engulf The City

London’s Square Mile has been declared a no-go area as the recent financial shit-storm worsens by the day.

The panic that first gripped the city’s stockbrokers last week seems to have spread like wildfire throughout London’s financial institutions.

It is believed that the downturn in the FTSE caused many of the country’s top bankers and businessmen to dramatically shit themselves, causing a tumultuous explosion of brandy and foie gras-tinged faeces to burst through the boardrooms.

As the financial prognosis became ever gloomier, wave upon wave of pinstriped plop began to cascade down throughout the City’s top offices. This uncommon occurrence has been described by economic experts as “the trickle down effect”.

With the turd levels rising steadily and in the complete absence of any government intervention as PM Gordon Brown instead spends his time poncing around with Napoleon-lite French President Nicholas Sarkozy, it is feared that one more bank collapse could lead to the entire financial district becoming fatally submerged in shite.

Help could yet be at hand however from the unlikely source of President George Bush. Reports coming out of Washington this morning suggest that the President is preparing to send a crack rescue team to London to evacuate the shit-stricken area and clean the resulting bio-hazard up all nice.

We queried what the President’s motives for undertaking such an altruistic act of international kindness might be when he was so slow to respond to the devastating effects of Hurricane Katrina in his own country. Our anonymous White House source explained “because it’s white people affected this time.”

Bullied Brown Hits Back

Beleaguered Prime Minister Gordon Brown has today moved against his critics in a savage Commons attack.

The PM is said to have been brooding over a string of insults from his opposite numbers, David Cameron and Vince Cable, and reacted to a further remark by Mr Cameron this afternoon with a vicious outburst.

After being branded "Mr Bean" by acting Liberal Democrat leader Mr Cable, the PM complained to the Speaker of the House, saying he was being picked on. This led Conservative leader Mr Cameron to taunt him further with jibes that he was “a rotten, stinking grass” and “why don’t you just run home to mummy, you Cyclops twat”.

It was that final insult that seemed to push Mr Brown over the edge. Trembling with anger, he threw off his jacket, ripped open his shirt and screamed “Come on then! I’ll fuckin’ batter the pair of youse, you fuckin’radges!Aaaarrrggghhhh!”

In unprecedented scenes, the PM then proceeded to vault over the Dispatch Box and headbutt Mr Cameron with considerable force. As the Tory leader lay prostrate on the Commons floor, Mr Brown waded into the Lib Dem benches and dragged Mr Cable out into the centre of the room. The PM grabbed Mr Cable’s testicles and appeared to be squeezing them like Jack Lemmon might’ve squeezed stress balls in the film Glengarry Glenross.

Whilst applying the testicular torture, Mr Brown addressed the Lib Dem chief “Mr Bean am I eh? Think you’re a smartarse do you son? C’moan then, let’s hear another one o’ yir funnies then, ya cunt.”

After Mr Cable tearfully apologised for his insult, the PM released him from his iron-clad grip and the soon-to-be-ex Lib Dem leader crawled away to seek medical help for his devastated conkers.

Mr Brown was finally restrained by half-a-dozen Labour frontbenchers. As he was being ushered out of the Commons, he left a parting shot to the bewildered Opposition by threatening to come back next week “and do the fucking lot of youse. So you'd better look out, awright?”

Brown To Kill Cretins

Prime Minister Gordon Brown, shaken by the negative reception to his policy plans outlined in the Queen’s Speech, has today announced an unashamedly populist addendum.

Mr Brown announced that the government will henceforth adopt a zero-tolerance attitude towards idiotic and irritating words and phrases. He said that he will liaise with Army chiefs in order to put together death squads, who will be charged with “cleaning the braindead filth off the streets of this proud isle we call Britannia”.

Top of Mr Brown’s agenda is tackling the individuals who use the acronym ‘LOL’. From tomorrow onwards, anyone who uses this baffling term on the internet will be identified electronically and, within minutes, can expect a knock at the door from a particularly sadistic execution team. As the PM rightly pointed out “what does this LOL even mean? I haven’t got a clue and I suspect neither do the majority of the British people”.

Also on the PM’s hitlist are any journalist or commenter, either professional or amateur, who think they are showing off their supposedly superior knowledge of pop-culture and entertainment ‘industry-speak’ by using the phrase “jumped the shark” to describe something that is not as good as it used to be. Any person or persons guilty of this abomination will be summarily eviscerated.

In addition, Mr Brown also intends to clamp down on the use of the word “chav” as he rightly pointed out that “there are dozens of perfectly appropriate words already in place for this. What’s wrong with scumbag, bin-dipper, scally, ned, pikey or scrote eh? Eh?”

He continued “and, last but by no means least, any witless retards who still think it’s amusing to indicate disagreement or disapproval by adding ‘….not’ at the end of a sentence will now be knifed in the face by madmen”.

Mr Brown’s plans were rubbished by prospective Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg who sneered “this is craven vote-seeking by the Prime Minister. You would never see such a thing as this from the Liberal Democrats, I can assure you.”

When we put this to Mr Brown he replied “Nick who? I have literally never heard of him”.

And, in response to David Cameron’s claim that he “was going a bit far, what, what, what”, the PM harrumphed “he can fuck off as well”.