Prime Minister Gordon Brown, shaken by the negative reception to his policy plans outlined in the Queen’s Speech, has today announced an unashamedly populist addendum.
Mr Brown announced that the government will henceforth adopt a zero-tolerance attitude towards idiotic and irritating words and phrases. He said that he will liaise with Army chiefs in order to put together death squads, who will be charged with “cleaning the braindead filth off the streets of this proud isle we call Britannia”.
Top of Mr Brown’s agenda is tackling the individuals who use the acronym ‘LOL’. From tomorrow onwards, anyone who uses this baffling term on the internet will be identified electronically and, within minutes, can expect a knock at the door from a particularly sadistic execution team. As the PM rightly pointed out “what does this LOL even mean? I haven’t got a clue and I suspect neither do the majority of the British people”.
Also on the PM’s hitlist are any journalist or commenter, either professional or amateur, who think they are showing off their supposedly superior knowledge of pop-culture and entertainment ‘industry-speak’ by using the phrase “jumped the shark” to describe something that is not as good as it used to be. Any person or persons guilty of this abomination will be summarily eviscerated.
In addition, Mr Brown also intends to clamp down on the use of the word “chav” as he rightly pointed out that “there are dozens of perfectly appropriate words already in place for this. What’s wrong with scumbag, bin-dipper, scally, ned, pikey or scrote eh? Eh?”
He continued “and, last but by no means least, any witless retards who still think it’s amusing to indicate disagreement or disapproval by adding ‘….not’ at the end of a sentence will now be knifed in the face by madmen”.
Mr Brown’s plans were rubbished by prospective Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg who sneered “this is craven vote-seeking by the Prime Minister. You would never see such a thing as this from the Liberal Democrats, I can assure you.”
When we put this to Mr Brown he replied “Nick who? I have literally never heard of him”.
Mr Brown announced that the government will henceforth adopt a zero-tolerance attitude towards idiotic and irritating words and phrases. He said that he will liaise with Army chiefs in order to put together death squads, who will be charged with “cleaning the braindead filth off the streets of this proud isle we call Britannia”.
Top of Mr Brown’s agenda is tackling the individuals who use the acronym ‘LOL’. From tomorrow onwards, anyone who uses this baffling term on the internet will be identified electronically and, within minutes, can expect a knock at the door from a particularly sadistic execution team. As the PM rightly pointed out “what does this LOL even mean? I haven’t got a clue and I suspect neither do the majority of the British people”.
Also on the PM’s hitlist are any journalist or commenter, either professional or amateur, who think they are showing off their supposedly superior knowledge of pop-culture and entertainment ‘industry-speak’ by using the phrase “jumped the shark” to describe something that is not as good as it used to be. Any person or persons guilty of this abomination will be summarily eviscerated.
In addition, Mr Brown also intends to clamp down on the use of the word “chav” as he rightly pointed out that “there are dozens of perfectly appropriate words already in place for this. What’s wrong with scumbag, bin-dipper, scally, ned, pikey or scrote eh? Eh?”
He continued “and, last but by no means least, any witless retards who still think it’s amusing to indicate disagreement or disapproval by adding ‘….not’ at the end of a sentence will now be knifed in the face by madmen”.
Mr Brown’s plans were rubbished by prospective Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg who sneered “this is craven vote-seeking by the Prime Minister. You would never see such a thing as this from the Liberal Democrats, I can assure you.”
When we put this to Mr Brown he replied “Nick who? I have literally never heard of him”.
And, in response to David Cameron’s claim that he “was going a bit far, what, what, what”, the PM harrumphed “he can fuck off as well”.
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