Who Wins? The Experts Decide

That’s right dear readers, in a week where literally loads of important real news stuff happened (like er some dolphins got lost, Gordon Brown did something shit and the Euro 08 finals started) your trusty purveyor of hard-hitting pretend news stories brings you an in-depth look at the final of The Apprentice.

We’ve gathered an imaginary panel of employment experts and (in fact exclusively) famous people and asked them to examine each candidate, then go away to “blue sky the bugger” and come up with a scientifically-proven winner.

First up is vacuous, serpentine pretty-boy Alex Wotherspoon.

“I think he’s all style over substance” said Conservative leader David Cameron.

“But he’s only 24! And he was privately-educated, so that must mean he is at least intelligent, trustworthy and able to lead” countered ‘Man-Of-The-People’ Education Secretary Alan Johnson.

“Ha! That just shows what you know! I was privately-educated and I’m quite patently a twat,” concluded Mr Cameron “And, trust me on this, you really wouldn’t want me running a major business, I’d only fuck it up compl…..oh crap. See what I mean?”

Next, our panel turned their attention to burly, pony-fancying loudmouth, Claire Young.

Assessing her chances of success are thuggish Lotto lout Michael Carroll and last year’s winner, Simon Ambrose.

“I notice she keeps comparing herself to dangerous dogs like a rottweiler and a German Shepherd, Michael. What do you make of that?”

“Well I’ve got loads of devil dogs in my gaff and I tells ya, if they yapped away like this bird, I’d have shot them in the face by now!” snarled Carroll.

“Well quite. Also, I hear she’s applied to be on Big Brother five times!” Simon added, swiftly changing the subject. “It just makes me wonder whether she really wants the job with Sir Alan or if she just wants to be on TV.”

“Yeah, whatever ponce. Are we done here? Right, I’m off to kick some pensioners up the arse.”

We then move on to the people’s champion, excitable poor-man’s Paul Sculthorpe http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Sculthorpe , Lee “I would never do the reverse pterodactyl in front of Sir Alan” McQueen.

Thanks to the wonders of technology we were able to set up a video-conference to get the exclusive views of on-duty BBC football commentary team, John 'Motty' Motson and Mark 'Lawro' Lawrenson.

John Motson kicked off “I’ll say this about Lee McQueen Mark, he’s a real battler isn’t he? The lad gets stuck in. If only the England team’d had a few Lee McQueens in it, they’d probably be here at the finals.”

Lawro wittily replied “I like the boy Lee McQueen, John. But let’s be honest, England would’nt have qualified if they’d had Steve McQueen and all of the Magnificent Seven!”

Motson summed-up “Tell you what though Lawro, heh heh, if he wins, he’ll be delighted. LEE MCQUEEN WILL BE DELIGHTED!”

Last and by every means least, we’re left with stocky nonentity Helene (“I’m a Global Pricing Leader, I am” Speight.

To discuss the merits of Miss Speight we’ve enlisted the unique talents of Britain’s most beloved polymath Stephen Fry. He waxed lyrical thusly “As you all know, I am the nation’s foremost living wit. On demand, I am noted for my ability to conjure up loquacious anecdotes on any subject of your choice. However, I can honestly proclaim that I can think of nothing whatsoever to say about Helene Speight.”

Stepping into the breach to offer an actual, valid opinion on Miss Speight was the acceptable face of GMTV, Lorraine Kelly. Her verdict was short, succinct and damning in equal measure.

“Her whingeing on about her disadvantaged childhood in the interview round disappointed me greatly. Although, to be fair, it was the first memorable thing she’s done all series. I can’t see Sir Alan falling for this one again though. I mean, she’s no Michele Dewberry is she? Maybe more like two Michelle Dewberries in the one body! Oooh aren’t I awful?”

So, there we have it. We input all of the celebrity-produced data into the Yesterdays Knews supercomputer and can confidently predict that the winner of this year’s Apprentice will be……………..

Alex Wotherspoon!

According to our top-secret supercomputer, Alex comes out on top due to David Cameron’s First Law of Rising Without Trace (Formula: Lack Any Discernible Personality + Keep Head Down + Attack All Opposition + Look Good on Cameras = Become Successful Bastard). Well that and he passed the tie breaker of having the name sounding most like an empire of cut-price booze peddlers and daycare centres for elderly alcoholics and people on the sick.

So well done Alex. And bad luck to the runners-up. Still, there’s always next year. Oh and Claire, duuno if you’ve noticed but a new Big Brother’s just started on 4. If you’re quick, you might make it on this time. See, as BB’s first series star ‘Nasty’ Nick Bateman said “As one door closes, another window opens. A shit-encrusted, broken window, behind which lies everything that’s so hateful about everything. But still a window nonetheless.”

Blogging “A Waste Of Time And For Idiots” Say Experts

Blogging has come under attack from computer scientists and technology specialists. A report, published this morning by the Southampton & Hove Institute of Technology (S.H.I.T), has concluded that the vast majority of blog entries across the internet are “utterly pointless”.

Presenting the report, Professor Bill Rawles said that the blogging craze had polluted the internet with such an extravagant volume of inane waffle that it was actually getting quite difficult to find any decent pornography.

Professor Rawles continued “Our extensive research has concluded that, in 99.98% of cases, no-one, and I really do mean no-one, anywhere in the whole World, is even remotely interested in your self-obsessed droolings about your tedious little non-lives.”

The Professor proceeded to differentiate between those who run their own blogs (“Talentless timewasters but ultimately harmless wannabes”) and the lazier bloggers who spend their days reading entries from professional writers on established media websites, witlessly and pedantically criticising every single article (“Lonely, twisted, nerdy, illiterate failures.”).

The report concludes by saying that if the seemingly exponential growth of blogging is not halted soon, Western Society will come to a standstill; no-one will be doing any work as we’ll all be too busy pretending we’re interesting and erudite writers and social commentators. Like Stephen Fry or something. And then we’ll all starve to death and probably get eaten by the Nazis.

We approached one of the World’s most famous bloggers, gossip columnist Perez Hilton, for his reaction to the report. He said, with his customary caustic wit and eloquence “Oooh, now that Lindsay Lohan? She is suuuch a sluuut!”

Seeking a more relevant comment to the world of the ‘blogosphere,’ we met up with Britain’s top blogger, Francis Grink, for lunch. Mr Grink said “I’m sorry but I don’t appear to be able to express my emotions or personality on this, or indeed any other, issue in person. I’ll have to send you an email to describe my views OK?”

Later that day Mr Grink’s email response arrived. It contained all of his feelings about the report which damned his entire life’s work and said “:-(”