Letter Theft Suspect Will Have His Life Changed

A man has been questioned by Police in relation to last weekend’s sensational Hollywood heist. The disappearance of the letter R in a circle from the end of The Oscars took organisers completely by surprise.

“We were completely taken by surprise” said Organising Vice-President, Charles Gray.

Investigating officers were puzzled as to why anyone would want or need the encircled R as it was deemed to have no monetary value.

However, Scotland Yard detectives today received a tip-off that the culprit was at large and living it up in foggy old London town. The mystery informant said he was an associate of the suspect and that the man had been planning to steal the R in a circle for some time, in order to add another superfluous letter to his name. It is believed that the suspect has developed an addictive habit for adding extra consonants to his forename.

Police sources have revealed that the informant, an Australian male, agreed to co-operate in exchange for immunity from prosecution as an accomplice as he was apparently terrified of being subjected to bland and tasteless prison food, especially the “paaastaah”.

The suspect, this afternoon released on bail, has been named as television personality and ingredients expert, Gregg Wallace. The shouty slaphead would only comment that “audacious thefts of encircled letters doesn’t come any tougher than this!”

Gog’s Blog Leaves Readers Agog

First as ever with all of the big news, our finger-on-the-pulse operation today brings you a story that happened two weeks ago. (Well we’ve got lives too you know. Do you think we just created this publication to amuse you lot? Oh right. Well then.)

A minor furore was caused recently (in a fairly loose definition of the word) when a guest writer in the travel section of the Guardian newspaper’s website was on the receiving end of a torrent of abuse.

19 year-old gap year student Max Gogarty (pictured, yes really) was asked to pen a regular blog describing his in-no-way clichéd holiday (yes, you’re going on holiday, not ‘travelling’ you pretentious titheads) to “find himself” in India and Thailand.

Unfortunately for the Guardian, it quickly became evident that poor little Max had a rather unpopular writing style, or to quote journalistic behemoth Bob Woodward, “he writes like a cunt. A talentless, vapid cunt, at that”.

Furthermore, observant readers immediately identified that the bungling blogger was actually the son of sometime-Guardian travel writer, Paul Gogarty.

Within minutes, the article, the writer and the newspaper itself came under attack from hundreds of disgusted readers, ashamed that the august organ could stoop to such lazy, nepotistic depths.

Before the day was through, the Guardian had stopped all further comments on the article and announced that Gogarty Junior would not be writing any further pearls of wisdom on their website.

Over the following days, several articles appeared in the print and online editions of the respected liberal publication, criticising their own readers as a bullying, thuggish mob. Honestly.

We tried to contact Guardian editor Alan Rusbridger for his views on the handling of this matter but had to beat a hasty retreat when he questioned the veracity of our Bob Woodward quote. We did however manage to get a quote from Guardian-hating, ‘straight-talking’, ‘why it’s political correctness gone mad’, immigrant and foreigner-baiting, prick of a newspaper columnist, the Mail’s very own Richard Littlejohn.

Littlejohn summed up the incident with his trademark caustic wit “Oooh a load of cardigan-wearing, lentil-eating lefty poofters had a little gay row did they? Bloody weirdoes. This land used to be fit for heroes you know? Not any more. Over-educated they are, that lot. That’s their problem, no common sense the lot of them.”

Incidentally, you can read the original article and the rather amusing comments, by simply clicking on the link we have handily placed below. Gosh we're nice aren't we?

http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/travelog/2008/02/skins_blog.html

Sympathy For The Cheryl

The low-rent celebrity war between stage-school, daddy's girl, pretend working-class, fraudulent cockney poppet, Lily Allen, and lad-mag fave, can't really sing without digital-enhancement, Geordie thug, Cheryl Cole, seems to have cooled after they both admitted that, at some stage of their of their lives, they'd had issues with their other halves.

So, in a rare moment of showbiz female solidarity, Miss Allen has offered to call a truce on their tabloid-selling game of tit-for-tat insult-throwing.

It is believed that Mrs Cole,currently in hiding, has let it be known that she appreciates the gesture and has suggested to Miss Allen that they put their issues behind them. In fact, we understand that the singers even plan to join forces in order to undertake the mother-of-all celebrity feuds with troubled star Amy Winehouse.

Legal Note:

* Cheryl Cole was actually convicted of vile thuggery in 2002 after being a vile thug in 2002.

* Lily Allen, at least as far as this publication is aware has never committed an act of actual-bodily-harm. Although, her new BBC Three chatshow is undeniably excruciatingly painful to watch.

So, readers,who do you prefer? Cheryl or Lily? Why not let us know in the Comments box below............................

Cerys Cashes In

In yet more frozen-food related news, it has been reported that Cerys Matthews looks set to sell off the last vestiges of her musical credibility by agreeing to become the new face of Iceland.

The freezer store giant recently announced that they had dropped troubled personality Kerry Katona from their TV ad campaigns (for unspecified reasons we must add – but we can all have a good guess eh?) and were known to be on the lookout for a replacement to appeal to their key demographic: ITV reality show viewers.

Ms Matthews is believed to have attracted the attention of the Icleand execs after appearing on 'I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here', when she received huge media coverage for her unedifying love affair with tubby romancer Marc Bannerman.

The deal is expected to be announced later today after Cerys and the ad execs made a series of compromises:

Cerys will now agree to sing a cheap and nasty jingle in the ads in exchange for more cash. And Iceland have agreed to cast failed actor Bannerman in a minor role in their upcoming ice pops advertisement.

The only sticking point still to be ironed out is now whether or not she actually has to eat the slurry shown on screen.