London’s Square Mile has been declared a no-go area as the recent financial shit-storm worsens by the day.
The panic that first gripped the city’s stockbrokers last week seems to have spread like wildfire throughout London’s financial institutions.
It is believed that the downturn in the FTSE caused many of the country’s top bankers and businessmen to dramatically shit themselves, causing a tumultuous explosion of brandy and foie gras-tinged faeces to burst through the boardrooms.
As the financial prognosis became ever gloomier, wave upon wave of pinstriped plop began to cascade down throughout the City’s top offices. This uncommon occurrence has been described by economic experts as “the trickle down effect”.
With the turd levels rising steadily and in the complete absence of any government intervention as PM Gordon Brown instead spends his time poncing around with Napoleon-lite French President Nicholas Sarkozy, it is feared that one more bank collapse could lead to the entire financial district becoming fatally submerged in shite.
Help could yet be at hand however from the unlikely source of President George Bush. Reports coming out of Washington this morning suggest that the President is preparing to send a crack rescue team to London to evacuate the shit-stricken area and clean the resulting bio-hazard up all nice.
We queried what the President’s motives for undertaking such an altruistic act of international kindness might be when he was so slow to respond to the devastating effects of Hurricane Katrina in his own country. Our anonymous White House source explained “because it’s white people affected this time.”
The panic that first gripped the city’s stockbrokers last week seems to have spread like wildfire throughout London’s financial institutions.
It is believed that the downturn in the FTSE caused many of the country’s top bankers and businessmen to dramatically shit themselves, causing a tumultuous explosion of brandy and foie gras-tinged faeces to burst through the boardrooms.
As the financial prognosis became ever gloomier, wave upon wave of pinstriped plop began to cascade down throughout the City’s top offices. This uncommon occurrence has been described by economic experts as “the trickle down effect”.
With the turd levels rising steadily and in the complete absence of any government intervention as PM Gordon Brown instead spends his time poncing around with Napoleon-lite French President Nicholas Sarkozy, it is feared that one more bank collapse could lead to the entire financial district becoming fatally submerged in shite.
Help could yet be at hand however from the unlikely source of President George Bush. Reports coming out of Washington this morning suggest that the President is preparing to send a crack rescue team to London to evacuate the shit-stricken area and clean the resulting bio-hazard up all nice.
We queried what the President’s motives for undertaking such an altruistic act of international kindness might be when he was so slow to respond to the devastating effects of Hurricane Katrina in his own country. Our anonymous White House source explained “because it’s white people affected this time.”
