The Twat-Off : Hillary Vs Sophocles

So here we have it people. Just who is the most obnoxious, do-anything-to-win, lying, cheating, shit-eating fraud in this year’s slightly made-up final of The Apprentice?

The contenders are as follows:

Michael Sophocles : Shortarse shitehawk, without any discernible talent with a brazen attitude to lying, cheating and Raef-stabbing.

What The Papers Say : “A fucktard” (Anna Pickard, The Guardian) , “Odious Little Shit” (Adrian Chiles, BBC2’s ‘The Apprentice : You’re Fired’) , “Spivvy little dickweed” (Yesterdays Knews).

Hillary Clinton : Duplicitous, Political Noblesse-Oblige, Hard-faced bastard.

What The Papers Say : “An evil witch” (Bill O’Reilly, FOX TV) , “She kinda lied about sniper fire, so fuck her ” (The rest of the US media) , “Can’t she please just do one and leave me in peace to strump some late-teens?” (Bill Clinton).

What Might Sir Alan Say: “Michael, while you score very high on the international twatiness index, in fact a 9.8, one of the highest scores ever, I’ve got to say that Hillary, you've got one womb too many to fit into my organisation. So, with no regret whatsoever, Hillary, you’re fired!”

Clinton Finally Gets Her Cards

The U.S Democratic Party have spoken and we can exclusively reveal that their choice as Presidential candidate for 2008 is Senator Barack Obama.

At the end of a six-month political battle royale, Obama was at long last confirmed as the victor over his doggedly determined rival, Senator Hillary Clinton.

Or so the (proper) papers say anyhow. The geeks. At Yesterdays Knews, we just happen to know differently. Unburdened as we are with their tiresome requirements to publish real facts based on actual stuff, we can now divulge the story behind the story.

The former First Lady is being put into the final of The Apprentice!

Our mole in Team Clinton reports that Hillary held crisis talks with her campaign team at daybreak today and weighed up her options. Faced with the choice of continuing to campaign for a job which she is now certain not to get and jetting over to London, England to take her chances on obtaining the vacant position with Sir Alan Sugar, it is believed that her husband Bill encouraged her to choose the latter.

As our mole revealed “Hillary was in favour of carrying-on and brushing off the technicality of defeat, hoping that if she kept this up long enough, people would eventually forget that she lost and just let her be President anyway. Kind of like when George lost his job in Seinfeld and just kept on coming into work anyway.”

The filthy grass continued “But former President Clinton urged her to start working off the unsuccessful campaign’s $20 million debts immediately by jumping on a transatlantic flight and leaving him to 'take care of business' at home.”

There is apparently no truth whatsoever in the rumour that cynical TV chiefs have parachuted in the scheming, muck-slinging, double-dealing, 'mis-speaking', delusional loser to replace recently-deposed oleaginous pantomime villain Michael Sophocles.

So, which one's better? Michael Sophocles or Hillary Clinton? There's only one way to find out..................FIGHT!

……And We’re Back!

Yes that’s right patient readers, your 3,164th favourite spoof news website have returned from our brief sabbatical four days early. Just for you, you little fun-junkies. We know you’ve been Jonesing like crazy to get your hands on the really good stuff and what can we say, we’re sorry for leaving you like that.

We had originally made a contingency plan to bring in temporary cover to tide you over but this unfortunately had to be scrapped a bit sharpish when it became apparent that our “skeleton staff” consisted solely of a chimp with a visor on, hunched over a typewriter. And believe us, you don’t get to Yesterdays Knews’ position in the marketplace by allowing chimpanzees to publish articles consisting of “dpbj9uetgohraohg47653484y^($” while throwing their own spunk around your office. Although the ape did also manage to type “tits”, which is proof of something, if nothing else.

Anyway, to celebrate our return to active duty, here’s a roundup of some of the news we missed over the past three weeks:

There was a major world sensation in the US Primary elections where Hillary Clinton actually won two states! Staggeringly, two overwhelmingly white, redneck hick states decided not to vote for a black man. Well whatever next?

Meanwhile, at home, amiable but buffoonish toff, Boris Johnson, has been elected as the Mayor of London. Yes, actual people actually voted for Boris Johnson to become the Mayor of London. Just to reiterate: BORIS JOHNSON IS NOW THE MAYOR OF LONDON. Sometimes real life’s just so much funnier than anything we can come up with.

Of course, having said all of that, Mr Johnson’s first act as Mayor is already proving most popular with Londoners. His decision to ban boozing on buses and trains has meant that his predecessor, Ken Livingstone, has been forced to take to his car if he wants to get tanked up during his morning commute, thereby incurring his very own congestion charge. “Hoist on your own petard, Mr Livingstone!” as Boris might well have said.

In reality TV news, the absolute twatfest that is The Apprentice marches imperiously onwards to true telly greatness, trampling all lowbrow rivals in it’s wake. Although, what the fucking hell were you doing firing Raef last week, Sir Alan? Perhaps wise old Sir Alan (can we not drop the Sir bit, it’s getting a bit dull now surely? No, fair enough. Well can we call him Al? You know like the song? How about Shug then? Not that either? OK suit yourself) Sugar was teaching us all an important business lesson about how nice guys don’t succeed and that you have to be a right shithouse to get to the top. In which case spivvy little dickweed, Michael Sophocles, looks a shoe-in to win this show. And God help us all if he does.

D-Day USA

It’s crunch time in the US primaries today when the Democratic Party may finally reveal their nominee to contest the Presidency in this November’s election. (Factual Note – this might not happen.)

So, we thought this was a good time to look back at the campaigns to date and ponder the following question. What have we learnt so far?

That the American media seem to have run out of superlative adjectives to describe today’s clash, after Super-Duper Tuesday had proved inconclusive. Although Yesterdays Knews suggests “Freakin' Massive Tuesday Man!” (Legal Note – if someone uses that on CNN tonight, you owe us money Turner.)

That being a US Senator must be one of the easiest jobs in the world if they’re allowed to take almost two years off their actual work, on full pay mind, to piss-around at trying to become President. No wonder Ron Paul hasn’t pulled out yet. Would you?

That it is possible to have the middle name Hussein AND still be a Christian (other faiths are available). This point’s just for Hillary Clinton by the way. We realise that the rest of us have worked this out by now. Oh hold on, breaking news alert here…………………….

Ah yes, and believe it or not Hillary, DAVID Beckham is not Jewish! Despite the name! Who’da thunk it?

It’s all very well and good Rambo star Sylvester Stallone endorsing John McCain now. But where was he when the Senator was banged-up in a Hanoi hell-hole for seven years and really needed his help?