The Twat-Off : Hillary Vs Sophocles

So here we have it people. Just who is the most obnoxious, do-anything-to-win, lying, cheating, shit-eating fraud in this year’s slightly made-up final of The Apprentice?

The contenders are as follows:

Michael Sophocles : Shortarse shitehawk, without any discernible talent with a brazen attitude to lying, cheating and Raef-stabbing.

What The Papers Say : “A fucktard” (Anna Pickard, The Guardian) , “Odious Little Shit” (Adrian Chiles, BBC2’s ‘The Apprentice : You’re Fired’) , “Spivvy little dickweed” (Yesterdays Knews).

Hillary Clinton : Duplicitous, Political Noblesse-Oblige, Hard-faced bastard.

What The Papers Say : “An evil witch” (Bill O’Reilly, FOX TV) , “She kinda lied about sniper fire, so fuck her ” (The rest of the US media) , “Can’t she please just do one and leave me in peace to strump some late-teens?” (Bill Clinton).

What Might Sir Alan Say: “Michael, while you score very high on the international twatiness index, in fact a 9.8, one of the highest scores ever, I’ve got to say that Hillary, you've got one womb too many to fit into my organisation. So, with no regret whatsoever, Hillary, you’re fired!”

Clinton Finally Gets Her Cards

The U.S Democratic Party have spoken and we can exclusively reveal that their choice as Presidential candidate for 2008 is Senator Barack Obama.

At the end of a six-month political battle royale, Obama was at long last confirmed as the victor over his doggedly determined rival, Senator Hillary Clinton.

Or so the (proper) papers say anyhow. The geeks. At Yesterdays Knews, we just happen to know differently. Unburdened as we are with their tiresome requirements to publish real facts based on actual stuff, we can now divulge the story behind the story.

The former First Lady is being put into the final of The Apprentice!

Our mole in Team Clinton reports that Hillary held crisis talks with her campaign team at daybreak today and weighed up her options. Faced with the choice of continuing to campaign for a job which she is now certain not to get and jetting over to London, England to take her chances on obtaining the vacant position with Sir Alan Sugar, it is believed that her husband Bill encouraged her to choose the latter.

As our mole revealed “Hillary was in favour of carrying-on and brushing off the technicality of defeat, hoping that if she kept this up long enough, people would eventually forget that she lost and just let her be President anyway. Kind of like when George lost his job in Seinfeld and just kept on coming into work anyway.”

The filthy grass continued “But former President Clinton urged her to start working off the unsuccessful campaign’s $20 million debts immediately by jumping on a transatlantic flight and leaving him to 'take care of business' at home.”

There is apparently no truth whatsoever in the rumour that cynical TV chiefs have parachuted in the scheming, muck-slinging, double-dealing, 'mis-speaking', delusional loser to replace recently-deposed oleaginous pantomime villain Michael Sophocles.

So, which one's better? Michael Sophocles or Hillary Clinton? There's only one way to find out..................FIGHT!