Big Brother Gets His Dirk Out

Celebrity Big Brother came to a close yesterday as Asian movie star Shilpa Shetty was announced as the winner.

However the racial aspects of the show are still reverberating and all of the housemates appear to have something to say in the matter. Yesterdays Knews have been given a rare opportunity to interview Dirk Benedict, the A-Team star, who finished in 3rd place in this years Celeb BB.

Dirk, 72, was quick to point out why he said nothing during the racial outburst while in the house. "Hey, I was worried about the face...those girls had sharp nails...and this smile cost me a fortune. I thought they might start bitch slapping me...well I hoped..."

Dirk then claimed he had spoken to his A-Team co-star Mr T about the show.

Mr Benedict informed Yesterdays Knews that Mr T had been watching the show via sattelite in his home, the converted A-Team van. When asked what he thought of Jade Goody, Mr T is believed to have replied "I pity the fool!"

Yesterdays Knews can confirm that Mr Benedict has been offered a contract to star in a new series of the A-Team, however this time taking over the role of Mad Murdoch, trapped in a room of lunatics for months on end before being rescued.

Dennis Rodman will be taking over Mr T's role as B A Baracus whilst Michael Barrymore takes over the role of Hannibal from the late George Peppard. It is believed that Mr Barrymore only agreed to take the role if he could have a swimming pool fitted to the A-Team van and be allowed to say "Awight at the back!!" whilst driving the van.

Jade's Race To Oblivion

Jade Goody is fighting back over allegations of racism during this years Celebrity (?) Big Brother.

Jade, Jo from S-Club 7 and ex-model Danielle Lloyd were all accused of racially bullying Asian film star Shilpa Shetty.

Jade claimed today that she is certain she is not a racist. "I eat indian food..." announced Miss Goody, 26. "Not with my fingers like...or in Indian restaurants...but I got a Chicken Korma from the supermarket the other day, didn't really like it tho, don't normally eat foreign muck, ye never know what they put innit, do ye?". Jade continued her tirade "If I'm a racialist, how come I have a black dog?"

Jade is hoping to travel to India later this year, in her 'Mother wants a good old British Bungalow' tour.

Shame of Mystery Celeb Not Nonced Up As Tot

A nationally-famous celebrity sensationally confessed his most shameful secret last night. The celeb, an actor known by many for his TV work, came clean about his pitiful childhood ordeal. He broke down in tears while he spilled his guts about the trauma of never being being sexually abused as a child.

When pressed for more detail, he finally opended up and shockingly admitted that he hadn’t been anally raped or interfered with by his parents, touched up in the changing rooms by a mature batchelor teacher, or even had his balls or arse felt by a local oddball round the back of the bins.

The celebrity, we can only name as Mr Gaffney, spoke of his despair at his palpable unattractiveness that he couldn’t even be attractive to paedophiles, even those ones with the really, really thick glasses and greasy hair. He confessed that he even used to hang around Jonathan King’s tennis courts, diddling for a fiddling, but to no avail.

“What sort of celebrity, in this day and age, wasn’t nonced up as a kid?” came his plaintive cry. “Even frigging Ken Russell got some action. What does that say about me?”

Our reporter managed to extricate himself from the interview without having to reply to such a loaded question and made his excuses and left. Immediately upon his return to the Yesterday’s Knews office, he was telephoned by former Hollyoaks actor and Love Island psychopath Paul Danan. Mr Danan had mysteriously already heard about our mystery celeb’s sorry tale and offered his services to rebuild the celeb’s confidence. In essence, he offered to molest them live on ITV. When informed that the mystery celebrity was in fact a male, Danan replied:

“Makes no difference to me. It’s on telly isn’t it? And really, do you reckon
I’ve got any self-respect left after being on Love Island twice and then being
the gimp on 'Calum, Fran and Dangerous Danan' on ITV2?”

Saddaam 'Hanging Out' In Celeb BB Shocker

In news that is set to be so earth-shatteringly shocking that those whingeing bloody polar bears may finally be devoured by the gaping chasm of the now-annihilated ice caps, leaving them to spiral towards subterranean oblivion, we can exclusively reveal that Saddaam Hussein was not actually executed this week.

Yesterdays Knews has just received a secret memo detailing how the hanging was faked in order to create a smokescreen to preserve the biggest surprise in the history of the World. So, in order to spoil this for everybody because we can’t resist showing off how clever we are, here is the scoop of the century. Saddaam is set to be parachuted in to the Celebrity Big Brother house!

It is believed that U.S Military chiefs have been liaising with Endemol, the programme’s makers, in order to pull off this once-in-a-lifetime televisual coup. Our sources have confirmed that there had been concern within the White House, that a quick and painless execution would not be sufficient punishment for the former dictator for his myriad crimes against humanity.

It was therefore decided, after much research into alternative punishments, that it would be a much more fitting penalty for Saddaam to be locked inside a house with H from Steps and Leo Sayer for four weeks.

Saddaam’s lawyers seem certain to appeal this decision on the grounds of it clearly being in breach of the Geneva Convention, and it is understood that they have the full backing of human rights charity Amnesty International.

However, the sentence is now officially classed as irreversible by the Iraqi Supreme Court, so we might as well all enjoy the ride. And, you never know, he might even roll back the years and manage to top a few of the tosspots while he’s in there. Should this be the case, we would like to make it clear that this would be a disgraceful new low for British television but while he’s at it, if he could just take out that Donny knobhead, just for us, we’d be really most grateful.