A nationally-famous celebrity sensationally confessed his most shameful secret last night. The celeb, an actor known by many for his TV work, came clean about his pitiful childhood ordeal. He broke down in tears while he spilled his guts about the trauma of never being being sexually abused as a child.
When pressed for more detail, he finally opended up and shockingly admitted that he hadn’t been anally raped or interfered with by his parents, touched up in the changing rooms by a mature batchelor teacher, or even had his balls or arse felt by a local oddball round the back of the bins.
The celebrity, we can only name as Mr Gaffney, spoke of his despair at his palpable unattractiveness that he couldn’t even be attractive to paedophiles, even those ones with the really, really thick glasses and greasy hair. He confessed that he even used to hang around Jonathan King’s tennis courts, diddling for a fiddling, but to no avail.
“What sort of celebrity, in this day and age, wasn’t nonced up as a kid?” came his plaintive cry. “Even frigging Ken Russell got some action. What does that say about me?”
When pressed for more detail, he finally opended up and shockingly admitted that he hadn’t been anally raped or interfered with by his parents, touched up in the changing rooms by a mature batchelor teacher, or even had his balls or arse felt by a local oddball round the back of the bins.
The celebrity, we can only name as Mr Gaffney, spoke of his despair at his palpable unattractiveness that he couldn’t even be attractive to paedophiles, even those ones with the really, really thick glasses and greasy hair. He confessed that he even used to hang around Jonathan King’s tennis courts, diddling for a fiddling, but to no avail.
“What sort of celebrity, in this day and age, wasn’t nonced up as a kid?” came his plaintive cry. “Even frigging Ken Russell got some action. What does that say about me?”
Our reporter managed to extricate himself from the interview without having to reply to such a loaded question and made his excuses and left. Immediately upon his return to the Yesterday’s Knews office, he was telephoned by former Hollyoaks actor and Love Island psychopath Paul Danan. Mr Danan had mysteriously already heard about our mystery celeb’s sorry tale and offered his services to rebuild the celeb’s confidence. In essence, he offered to molest them live on ITV. When informed that the mystery celebrity was in fact a male, Danan replied:
“Makes no difference to me. It’s on telly isn’t it? And really, do you reckon
I’ve got any self-respect left after being on Love Island twice and then being
the gimp on 'Calum, Fran and Dangerous Danan' on ITV2?”
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