Bonkers Blair Sets Unpopular Agenda After Success Of Road Charging

Prime Minister Tony Blair, buoyed by the strength of public opposition to his recent idea for additional road charging, has announced that he will be introducing a whole program of new laws that will prove to be the exact opposite of what popular public opinion actually wants.

In a reaction to the news that 1.8 million people signed the online petition to protest against the government’s plans to install spy devices in all motor vehicles for the purpose of charging the motorist by the mile for the ‘privilege’ of using their car, the PM has decided that, in the dying days of his premiership, he really quite likes the idea of being hated by the entire country.

Mr Blair, who has privately admitted to aides that he is actually insane, yesterday announced his plans to “let a series of really foul and unpleasant farts off in the faces of the Great British public.” The program of parliamentary flatulation is to begin immediately with a bill to compulsorily cull all household pets. With clubs and knives. And you will have to murder your pets yourselves, apparently for Health and Safety reasons, while an official from the Ministry of Agriculture repeatedly prods you in the ribs and angrily berates you for your stupidity in owning such a useless drain on the economy, whilst criticising your feeble attempt at slaughter.

Next on the statute books is the new ‘Race Hate’ law. After witnessing the massive public backlash against the racist bullying of Celebrity Big Brother winner Shilpa Shetty by several uneducated members of the working class, Mr Blair has come up with what he hopes to be the least popular and most controversial idea of all time. He is planning to bring back slavery. As the now ranting PM explained, he intended to force into slavery every group and individual he didn’t like very much. When pressed as to who that might be, Blair replied “that’s pretty much all of you. You ungrateful scum, you’re all gonna be mine! Hahahaha! Oh, apart from Cliff Richard obviously. He’s a close personal friend. And no, not like that. Before you start with your filth.”

Blair raced through the remainder of his ‘Disrespect’ Agenda as he said he had an urgent appointment with a violent sex offender. Thus all we can give you is the outline plans that were hurriedly provided. The highlights are shown below:

A bill to make the wearing of hats illegal, under punishment of death.

The immediate appointment of Paul ‘Gary Glitter’ Gadd as Education & Child Welfare Secretary with GCSE’s to be replaced by MGG (Member of the Glitter Gang) rosettes. A-levels will be kept.

Testing of nuclear weapons on provincial towns with names consisting of fewer than six letters.

All lesbian’s nighties to be set on fire on the last Friday of every month.

Tap water to be replaced by vagrants’ urine.

All pornography to be confiscated, destroyed and replaced with OAP jazz-mags and slack granny flicks.

When asked for their reaction to the Prime Minister’s speech, opposition leaders David Cameron and Ming Campbell simultaneously replied “he’s a mad bastard!”

Did Di Die and Dodi Die or Did Dodi do Di up the Doodah and Disappear?

The late Princess of Wales, Diana Spencer and her beau Dodi Al Fayed were not actually killed in the now infamous Paris car accident, as we had all believed. In fact they are still alive and well and living in erotic paradise away from the prying eyes of the World’s press.

Sounds crazy? Well, this is the argument put forward in a shock new tv documentary due to be aired next week. The show, part of the BBC’s new Conspiracy Theories series, presents “evidence” gathered by a team of lonely middle-aged housewives who simply refused to accept that the Queen of Hearts was no longer with us on this mortal coil.

In a special sneak preview of the show, we saw the various factions that have formed who all firmly believe that not only did the princess and the playboy fake their own deaths but that it is blindingly obvious that the crash could not have been real.

The groups have splintered over their theories as to where Dodi and Di might be currently hiding out but the most vociferous group, Suburban Ladies’ Underground Truth Seekers (S.L.U.T.S) , have revealed the most controversial of findings. According to their leader, Mrs Henrietta Smallpox, the couple escaped under the cover of darkness and eloped to a remote fishing village in Northern India, which is locally renowned for its stringent laws enforcing ‘unnatural’ sex acts.

The idea of England’s Rose betraying her legions of female and homosexual fans by tricking them into believing she’d been tragically killed in a Paris death-trap tunnel is surely hard enough to stomach. But the thought that she would do so just to spend the rest of her lifetime enjoying a daily buggering from a tubby waster who just happens to have a name similar to her own (only with two more letters obviously) is quite beyond the pale.

We tried to get a reaction from popular singer Dido but she was sadly unavailable for comment and so we turned our attention to in-the-news beleagured referee Phil Dowd. Unfortunately Mr Dowd was so disgusted by the allegations that he chased our reporter away from his home while shouting that we should “fuck off” and “shut the fuck up”. We were offered a quote from a ‘character’ calling himself Dodd but, when pressed for his considered comments on the news that Princess Diana may be getting a right royal pounding up the poop-chute in darkest India, he could only respond with an animated bout of shouting the words “Yank off, jerk off” repeatedly. Ultimately, that perhaps says it all.

Bowl-ing For Europe

So the Superbowl was won by the Indianapolis Colts, and for us here in Europe it can be difficult to understand the Americanisms of the commentators during the game.

So, to help us 'Soccer' loving Euro's, Yesterdays Knews have translated the entire game into language we all understand here across the pond.

The match kicked off in a turrential downpour and there was to be a sensational start as Chicago FC scored straight from the kickoff with a great individual effort from centre half Dave Hester.

This rattled the opposition who took 20 minutes to recover but then scored a wonderful goal of their own when a brilliant pass from midfield maestro Manning set up winger Reggie Wayne who slotted the ball home with ease.

However, within 7 minutes the Chic's had increased their lead when pressure on the ball caused the Colts into some sloppy passes. Chicago playmaker, Grossman put the left winger Mushin Muhammed into space to score.

After the first of 3 breaks, Indianapolis begin to pile on the pressure and Striker Vinatieri scores from fully 29 yards before they take the lead with Rhodes bundling the ball home from a yard out.

After the second break, Vinatieri grabs his second, this time a 24 yard screamer and gets his hat-trick 16 minutes later, this time a 20 yard tap in.

Nine minutes later, the Bears get what would turn out to be a consolation goal as their forward Gould shoots from 44 yards into the top corner.

Eleven minutes after the 3rd and final break, the Colts make the game safe when Kevin Hayden intercepts a poor pass from Grossman to round the keeper and smack it in from a tight angle.

There are no further goals and the match finishes 6 - 3...... or 29 -17 in American slang.

A Bowl of cherries

As the USA prepares itself for Superbowl XLI, here in the 51st state of UK, some are also preparing themselves for a long night on Sunday and pulling a 'sicky' on Monday to catch all the action on Sly TV.

For those of you who don't know anything about the Superbowl, it's a mixture between the FA Cup final and sumo wrestling, with fat blokes in body armour bouncing off each other, and thats just in the crowd. This years final will be contested between the Chicago Bears and the Indianapolis Colts and will be played at the Dolphin stadium in Miami.

The Superbowl is most famous for its half time show, which has produced some controversial moments in the past. In 2004, Janet Jackson exposed a pair of tits during the halftime show, one was her own and the other was Justin Timberlake.

To ensure there will be no embarrassing moments this year, the hosts have chosen Michael Jackson to appear on stage with the boys and girls from the Miami Kindergarten dance troupe.

Yesterdays Knews will bring you coverage of the Superbowl final sometime next week.

Going, Going, Gone

You may recall that yesterday in our article on the launch of Red Nose Day 2007, we reported that there is to be a big auction of comedian’s gifts. Well, the guys and gals down at Comic Relief have been kind enough to let us have some details of the choicest items on offer so you can get your bids in early. You lucky people.

So, without further ado, feast your eyes on the following treasure trove of charitable hilarity and get your wallets out. Or don’t. Frankly it’s nothing to do with us either way. We’ve already given 20p each to the woman who comes in the pub collecting for MS or cancer or whatever the fuck it was. And, one of us once gave a tramp a pound AND told him he didn’t care if he spent it on cheap cider! So as you can imagine, we at Yesterdays Knews Towers have more than done our bit for charity this year.

However, for the rest of you feckless, selfish, spoilt wasters, here are the prize items for the all-star auction:

Lot 101 donated by Jo Brand : A used tampon with signed verification from the donor that the item has definitely been inside her sopping , bleeding fanny.

Lot 102 donated by Jack Dee : Complete box set of all five series of Curb Your Enthusiasm together with the handmade notes scribbled on the case, which Jack assures us comprises the final script for his recent BBC sitcom, Lead Balloon.

Lot 103 donated by Ricky Gervais : A signed copy of his favourite book “How to be humble when you attain long-sought-after success”. He knows Jerry Seinfeld you know?

Lot 104 donated by Sacha Baron Cohen : A special private sneak preview of his new comedy character. All we can tell you at this stage is that he asks Americans a series of rather inappropriately amusing questions in a silly accent.

Lot 105 donated by Julian Clary: A signed first-edition of his new novel “Oooh! I’ve just shoved this bald man’s cock right up my arse Mrs Wilberforce”

So, what are you waiting for? Get your bids in now by logging onto www. its alright to be an attention-seeking tosser, dress like a cunt and act like a bona fide bell-end for a day cos some failed comedians on the telly said so.co.uk.

Send In The Clowns

Red Nose Day 2007 was launched yesterday by some of the country’s top comedians (and Jennifer Saunders) in a blaze of publicity at the London Eye.

Comic Relief’s chief spokesman and former television star Lenny Henry was asked to explain the location for the launch and explained that “the eye is close to the nose so it makes sense facially-speaking.”

Professional homosexual Graham Norton then revealed that, to start this year’s proceedings with a bang, they were holding a televised auction of the comics’ most personal possessions.

Norton then proceeded to give details of the generous donations of some of the UK’s premier comedy talent. For instance, Jo Brand is auctioning one of her used tampons, which is expected to cause a lot of interest amongst viewers. Blue comic Bernard Manning interrupted to rant “Jo fucking Brand, at it again! That’s all she ever talks about. Tampax, tampons, sanitary towels and toilets.”

Jim Davidson offered to auction off one of his wives but organisers had to politely refuse as it was believed she was too shop-soiled and bruised to get any kind of price.

Meanwhile, Norton confided that plans to auction off the talent of Billy Connolly had to be scrapped as it has been impossible to locate for several years. It was apparently last seen “disappearing up the arseholes of the British Royal Family” according to Norton. “Mind you” he continued “to be fair to Connolly, he did crack that joke about Ken Bigley didn’t he?”

Flavour-of-the-moment foppish comedian Russell Brand summed up “S’excitin’ ain’t it?” Brand then proceeded to pull down his trousers and pants, w@nked his dinkle til huge gobs of spermatozoa came shooting forth from the crown and shouted “LADS! How about you come and give this comic some relief?”

They warned him about his future conduct and threatened to place him on the sex offender’s register.