Yes that’s right patient readers, your 3,164th favourite spoof news website have returned from our brief sabbatical four days early. Just for you, you little fun-junkies. We know you’ve been Jonesing like crazy to get your hands on the really good stuff and what can we say, we’re sorry for leaving you like that.
We had originally made a contingency plan to bring in temporary cover to tide you over but this unfortunately had to be scrapped a bit sharpish when it became apparent that our “skeleton staff” consisted solely of a chimp with a visor on, hunched over a typewriter. And believe us, you don’t get to Yesterdays Knews’ position in the marketplace by allowing chimpanzees to publish articles consisting of “dpbj9uetgohraohg47653484y^($” while throwing their own spunk around your office. Although the ape did also manage to type “tits”, which is proof of something, if nothing else.
Anyway, to celebrate our return to active duty, here’s a roundup of some of the news we missed over the past three weeks:
We had originally made a contingency plan to bring in temporary cover to tide you over but this unfortunately had to be scrapped a bit sharpish when it became apparent that our “skeleton staff” consisted solely of a chimp with a visor on, hunched over a typewriter. And believe us, you don’t get to Yesterdays Knews’ position in the marketplace by allowing chimpanzees to publish articles consisting of “dpbj9uetgohraohg47653484y^($” while throwing their own spunk around your office. Although the ape did also manage to type “tits”, which is proof of something, if nothing else.
Anyway, to celebrate our return to active duty, here’s a roundup of some of the news we missed over the past three weeks:
There was a major world sensation in the US Primary elections where Hillary Clinton actually won two states! Staggeringly, two overwhelmingly white, redneck hick states decided not to vote for a black man. Well whatever next?
Meanwhile, at home, amiable but buffoonish toff, Boris Johnson, has been elected as the Mayor of London. Yes, actual people actually voted for Boris Johnson to become the Mayor of London. Just to reiterate: BORIS JOHNSON IS NOW THE MAYOR OF LONDON. Sometimes real life’s just so much funnier than anything we can come up with.
Of course, having said all of that, Mr Johnson’s first act as Mayor is already proving most popular with Londoners. His decision to ban boozing on buses and trains has meant that his predecessor, Ken Livingstone, has been forced to take to his car if he wants to get tanked up during his morning commute, thereby incurring his very own congestion charge. “Hoist on your own petard, Mr Livingstone!” as Boris might well have said.
In reality TV news, the absolute twatfest that is The Apprentice marches imperiously onwards to true telly greatness, trampling all lowbrow rivals in it’s wake. Although, what the fucking hell were you doing firing Raef last week, Sir Alan? Perhaps wise old Sir Alan (can we not drop the Sir bit, it’s getting a bit dull now surely? No, fair enough. Well can we call him Al? You know like the song? How about Shug then? Not that either? OK suit yourself) Sugar was teaching us all an important business lesson about how nice guys don’t succeed and that you have to be a right shithouse to get to the top. In which case spivvy little dickweed, Michael Sophocles, looks a shoe-in to win this show. And God help us all if he does.
