Bullied Brown Hits Back

Beleaguered Prime Minister Gordon Brown has today moved against his critics in a savage Commons attack.

The PM is said to have been brooding over a string of insults from his opposite numbers, David Cameron and Vince Cable, and reacted to a further remark by Mr Cameron this afternoon with a vicious outburst.

After being branded "Mr Bean" by acting Liberal Democrat leader Mr Cable, the PM complained to the Speaker of the House, saying he was being picked on. This led Conservative leader Mr Cameron to taunt him further with jibes that he was “a rotten, stinking grass” and “why don’t you just run home to mummy, you Cyclops twat”.

It was that final insult that seemed to push Mr Brown over the edge. Trembling with anger, he threw off his jacket, ripped open his shirt and screamed “Come on then! I’ll fuckin’ batter the pair of youse, you fuckin’radges!Aaaarrrggghhhh!”

In unprecedented scenes, the PM then proceeded to vault over the Dispatch Box and headbutt Mr Cameron with considerable force. As the Tory leader lay prostrate on the Commons floor, Mr Brown waded into the Lib Dem benches and dragged Mr Cable out into the centre of the room. The PM grabbed Mr Cable’s testicles and appeared to be squeezing them like Jack Lemmon might’ve squeezed stress balls in the film Glengarry Glenross.

Whilst applying the testicular torture, Mr Brown addressed the Lib Dem chief “Mr Bean am I eh? Think you’re a smartarse do you son? C’moan then, let’s hear another one o’ yir funnies then, ya cunt.”

After Mr Cable tearfully apologised for his insult, the PM released him from his iron-clad grip and the soon-to-be-ex Lib Dem leader crawled away to seek medical help for his devastated conkers.

Mr Brown was finally restrained by half-a-dozen Labour frontbenchers. As he was being ushered out of the Commons, he left a parting shot to the bewildered Opposition by threatening to come back next week “and do the fucking lot of youse. So you'd better look out, awright?”

Oxford Union 'Were Racist By Mistake’

The President of the Oxford Union yesterday denied that Monday’s appearance by notorious racists David Irving and Nick Griffin was a cheap and insensitive publicity stunt. In fact Union head Luke Twyll claimed that it was all a case of mistaken identity.

In an astonishing confession, Twyll stated that the booking of Holocaust-denier and Nazi-fetishist Irving, together with BNP thug-in-a-suit Griffin, was an “admin error”.

“You can only imagine my horror when I saw these two monsters arrive at the Union on Monday night” said Master Twyll. “I’d specifically asked for that hilarious fat guy off the telly, Peter Griffin, and the famous songwriter Irving Berlin and left it up to the Union’s secretary to make the necessary arrangements. Well that’s what happens when you trust the working-classes with anything important eh? Dreadful oiks.”

When it was pointed out to Twyll that Peter Griffin is a fictional character in the animated TV show Family Guy and that Irving Berlin has in fact been dead for many years, he backtracked further.

“I knew that of course. Just testing old boy! No, I had, um actually, requested that we book the griffin off the old Midland Bank logo and erm, Eddie Irving (sic), the racing driver. Yes that’s it. Definitely.”

Young Master Twyll was then interrupted by The Telegraph’s correspondent Percival Wilberforce, who explained to him, in no uncertain terms, that he had one last chance to tell the truth or else he would pop the young scoundrel over his knee and give his tender young botty a sound thrashing.

His bottom-lip quivering, Twyll managed to splutter “OK. I made a mistake. Sorry. I meant to say that I meant to invite Derek Griffiths, the Playschool presenter and the 18th Century writer Washington Irving. Now please excuse me, I have to go” before running away as fast as his little legs would carry him.

We met up with Seventies style icon Derek Griffiths last night over cocktails to gauge his reaction to this somewhat surprising news. He said “I was really excited to hear about the offer to speak at the Oxford Union when you rang me this afternoon. So I rang Oxford University up and told them I’d be delighted to accept the invitation if it still stands. The man on the other end said they don’t let blacks on the premises and hung up.”

Advertisement : Festive Fun For All The Family

Daily Mail readers. Do you struggle to find time in your hectic hatemongering schedules to shop for suitable Christmas (before the Satanist Labour government outlaws that as well) presents for little Peregrine and Jocasta that won’t warp their little minds with modern leftist butchery? Well worry no more.

Right-Thinking Games Corporation introduce the new board game that’s going down a storm in middle England. We are proud to bring you… ‘Political Correctness Gone Mad!’

‘Political Correctness Gone Mad!’ guarantees hours of narrow-minded fun for all the family. The object of the game? It’s simple. All you have to do is negotiate your way through another four years of loony Labour control of your local council without being locked up by the Lesbian Thought Police for speaking your mind. If you’re clever though, you can always cash in some of your lucrative share options for heroin, dungarees and dildos in a bid to bribe your way back into the game.

Sounds easy enough? Well we’ve added some devilish distractions along the way so you’d better watch your step. One throw could take you to the safe haven of the golf club where you can relax and pretend it’s the good old days with the Brigadier over a port and lemon. But it could also take you into the depths of hell that is the benefits office, where your hard-earned nest-egg diminishes by one-tenth for every turn where you fail to throw a six.

OK. So you’ve managed your way through all that. Now what? Each of you need to pick a card from the blue deck. You’ll each be given one example of human rights/health and safety lefty lunacy taken from the pages of The Mail and you each have one minute to rant about the injustice of the Communist pen-pushing do-gooders at the heart of local government and how they’ve turned this once-proud warrior nation into a land for scrounging, ungrateful backdoor-merchants. Whoever’s rant most closely matches the original Mail article in the accompanying rulebook shall be declared the victor.

And at only £19.99 (which, let’s face it is only a tiny fraction of an AIDS-ridden asylum-seeker’s weekly dole money) for the peace of mind you’ll get from helping to ensure your self-serving, petty bigotry is passed onto the next generation, can you really afford not to?

Buy ‘Political Correctness Gone Mad!’ now. It’s common sense!

Brown To Kill Cretins

Prime Minister Gordon Brown, shaken by the negative reception to his policy plans outlined in the Queen’s Speech, has today announced an unashamedly populist addendum.

Mr Brown announced that the government will henceforth adopt a zero-tolerance attitude towards idiotic and irritating words and phrases. He said that he will liaise with Army chiefs in order to put together death squads, who will be charged with “cleaning the braindead filth off the streets of this proud isle we call Britannia”.

Top of Mr Brown’s agenda is tackling the individuals who use the acronym ‘LOL’. From tomorrow onwards, anyone who uses this baffling term on the internet will be identified electronically and, within minutes, can expect a knock at the door from a particularly sadistic execution team. As the PM rightly pointed out “what does this LOL even mean? I haven’t got a clue and I suspect neither do the majority of the British people”.

Also on the PM’s hitlist are any journalist or commenter, either professional or amateur, who think they are showing off their supposedly superior knowledge of pop-culture and entertainment ‘industry-speak’ by using the phrase “jumped the shark” to describe something that is not as good as it used to be. Any person or persons guilty of this abomination will be summarily eviscerated.

In addition, Mr Brown also intends to clamp down on the use of the word “chav” as he rightly pointed out that “there are dozens of perfectly appropriate words already in place for this. What’s wrong with scumbag, bin-dipper, scally, ned, pikey or scrote eh? Eh?”

He continued “and, last but by no means least, any witless retards who still think it’s amusing to indicate disagreement or disapproval by adding ‘….not’ at the end of a sentence will now be knifed in the face by madmen”.

Mr Brown’s plans were rubbished by prospective Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg who sneered “this is craven vote-seeking by the Prime Minister. You would never see such a thing as this from the Liberal Democrats, I can assure you.”

When we put this to Mr Brown he replied “Nick who? I have literally never heard of him”.

And, in response to David Cameron’s claim that he “was going a bit far, what, what, what”, the PM harrumphed “he can fuck off as well”.