Friday, June 29, 2007

Hairdresser Fingered For Armed Raid


A hairdresser accused of helping four men disguise themselves for the biggest robbery in Britain said that she assumed she was making them costumes for a video or theatrical performance, an Old Bailey jury heard yesterday.

Michelle Pigg, 31, from Woolwich, south-east London, was the first person arrested by Kent police over the £53m robbery of the Securitas depot in Tonbridge, Kent, in February last year. She is one of eight pleading not guilty to conspiracy to rob, pilfer, tief and steal and also to handling men’s dicks. She refused to name the four men because she “didn’t know their names”. Or so she says. The lying bitch. (Probably.)

Ms Pigg, who studied theatrical make-up at the London College of Fashion, was arrested the day after the robbery at her home. She had agreed to make the outfits and disguises for the robbers after meeting, then subsequently being vaginally-penetrated over the pool table by, the ringleader, Bill Carr, in an East London public house.

She admitted to making the balaclavas, black-and-white strpey jumpers, cloth caps and Zorro-style eye strips but said that she genuinely believed that Mr Carr and his friends were using these in an upcoming theatre production of Miss Saigon. This so-called production never went ahead.

Ms Pigg was asked by the Prosecuting counsel, Mr Geoffrey Tambor, QC, if she didn’t “smell a rat” when she was then asked to make two-dozen Hessian sacks with the word “SWAG” embroidered on the outside. She replied that she thought these were to represent the mountains of Northern Saigon in the seemingly-rather cut-price production.

Her testimony was shockingly interrupted when Mr Carr shouted several minutes of barely comprehensible cockney abuse at Pigg from the dock. It seemed that Carr was alleging that Ms Pigg is a “slag”, a “fat brass” and a “slack-fannied mess”. He also went on to threaten to “grass her house”, whatever that means.

Following this unexpected interjection, the judge, His Honour Judge Peregrine Falcon, adjourned the case until tomorrow morning.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Don’t Try This At Home


Authorities are concerned that wrestling fans may be tempted to copy the bizarre murder-suicide of WWE star Chris Benoit, a report says today.

The report, published by family action group Campaign for Real American Parents (C.R.A.P), explains that the most vulnerable members of society, children and retards, are also the most likely to be devotees of the WWE. It states:

“There can be huge peer-group pressure amongst groups of under-evolved and, frankly common, wrestling enthusiasts to try to re-create the antics of their heroes. We appeal to them, and their carers, please do not murder your wife and child, before, in a likely fit of guilt and remorse, killing yourself. These acts of psychosis are performed by highly-experienced, immensely drugged-up professionals. Please don’t try this at home.”

We contacted Dr Robert Winston, an expert in child-psychology, to see if the actions of Benoit, nicknamed ‘The Canadian Crippler’, may influence British grapple-fans.

He said “It is certainly true that the very lowest strata of humanity, intelligence-wise, can be the most susceptible to copy-cat behaviour, regardless of the morality of such behaviour. Now, if you were to tell me that most or all of these fuckwits watch this dreadful WWF nonsense obsessively, then I would conclude that yes, it is pretty likely that they will want to ‘ape’ the behaviour of the icons they stare at so blankly on their TV screens.”

Dr Winston failed to back our campaign to ban this filth from our television schedules, however, arguing that whilst “we could be in imminent danger of becoming a nation of over-muscular, freakishly veiny, steroid-munching lycra-wearing, frat-boy freaks-of-nature”, the prospect of losing a few thousand “shit-for-brained, obese peasants” from British society could only be a good thing.