Rudy’s Had His Chips

Former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani has finally called time on his ill-fated run for the White House.

After his humiliating third-place finish in the Florida primary, upon which he gambled his entire election strategy, “America’s Mayor” was forced to abandon his overly-ambitious mission to become the leader of the Free World.

Mr Giuliani admitted that the Grand Old Party had effectively “shat in his face” in their rush to elect seemingly almost any other candidate than him.

The notoriously sensitve Capitaliser-In-Chief pledged his full support to his friend John McCain, the oven chip magnate, this afternoon.

This is not the first time that Mr Giuliani has had to swallow his pride and look to Senator McCain to join a more successful operation.

Only last year, he sold his shares in his failing frozen-food company to his rival after Mr McCain’s hugely-popular Micro Chips outsold his own 'Rudy’s Saviour of New York Pizzas' ten-to-one.

It looks like in politics, as in life, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Here’s Some More News In Brief! Yay!

That’s right fans, we haven’t deserted you. In case you’ve been hankering after some sub-Two Ronnies jokes based on tit-bits of the latest world news, well hanker no more. We’ve scoured the world of actual real news for you and condensed it all up real nice below. Enjoy!

The war of words between the two front-runners for the Democratic Presidential nomination, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, intensified today. Following Senator Clinton’s inflammatory accusation that he was making race an issue in the campaign, Mr Obama, after ridiculing the notion, hit back by questioning Mrs Clinton’s commitment to the Presidency:

“It seems perfectly clear to me that Senator Clinton is leading us all a merry dance here. As if she’ll have the time to implement even half of her proposals in the White House while she’s still running her card shop empire!”


A wall containing the ‘art’ of inexplicably successful chancer, Banksy, is to be sold today for a whopping £210,000. Art expert Tim Marlow expressed concern at the development:

“We simply can’t have a no-talent huckster, motivated entirely by fiscal reward and with no consideration whatsoever for creating anything beautiful and lasting, churning-out this kind of soulless pap in the Modern Art world. That’s Damien Hirst’s job.”


To the palpable relief of The Daily Express, it seems like the interminable saga of the Dian Inquest is still nowhere near concluding. So, in the interests of public-service pretend-journalism, here’s a summary of what we’ve discovered so far:

The late, great Queen of Hearts, Princess Diana had a surprisingly friendly relationship with / was bullied by her former father-in-law, the arrogant chimp-faced racist, Prince Phillip.

She was in love with, planning to marry and expecting the child of / having a cheap fling (what with him being a rich playboy and that) with Dodi Al Fayed.

The Michael Jackson song ‘Dirty Diana’ was not, actually, written about England’s Rose after all. According to her rock butler (apparently he used to set the tables dressed as Shakin’ Stevens) Paul Burrell, it was almost certainly penned in memory of fellow dead blonde bombshell, Diana Dors.

He said “I was told this several years ago by my good friend Bruce Springsteen. So it must be true.”

Sorry We Fucked Up : Corrections

Firstly and foremostly, a gargantuan apology is due to former Smug Prick Of The Year nominee Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall. Hugh’s laudable campaign to halt the sale of mass-produced chickens is frankly so stirring and obviously unselfish that this sorry excuse for a website can completely and utterly retract every single word of our poorly-worded and unoriginally-thought-out Christmas feature. We’ll go so far as to say we’re genuinely apologetic for being dickheads and we’ll try harder in future.

And Ricky Gervais, now we come to think about it, although it’s become tooth-abcess-remindingly painful to hear your post-modern tales of success, the Christmas episode of Extras was exceptionally good. For what it’s worth anyway. And we've got a fucking cheek considering. As if Gervais reads this amateur-hour shit anyway. But there you go.

Oh and Jim Davidson. You’re still a cunt.

Top Docs Call For Winter Cull - Of Humans!

A panel of Britain’s top doctors today proposed controversial measures in response to the growing sickness epidemic engulfing the country. The British Union of Medicalists (B.U.M) have recommended that the government conduct a yearly winter cull of the population to prevent hospitals becoming overrun with patients each December and January.

B.U.M spokesman Dr Julian Barratt said that the majority of the population had no reason to be afraid of the proposed cull and explained that only the elderly and infirm would be slaughtered with clubs and planks of wood with nails sticking-out. “Oh and the poor as well” he added.

Dr Barratt continued “Every winter, the NHS is awash with these parasites pouring into surgeries and hospitals with their filthy rotten germs and expecting our over-worked administrators to somehow manage to fiddle, er I mean seasonally-adjust, the waiting list figures. This way, we can meet all of our insane government-set targets and our top surgeons and consultants can have Christmas and New Year off to spend in their luxurious Caribbean holiday homes. It’s really the only way.”

It is thought that all of the major political parties are willing to tacitly agree with the cull as they are all afraid of disagreeing with the powerful doctoring community. As our man-of-the-people Westminster correspondent, Geoff Gruff explained in his charmingly colloquial manner “This bunch of namby-pambies are all reet scared o’them there quacks after th’ Harley Street mob threatened t’stop writing them dodgy prescriptions for t’clap medicine. Dirty beggars they are, I tell thee.”

Monkey Nuts

In Northern India, unemployed youths are being trained to sterilise monkeys, in an attempt to keep the growing population in check. As was reported here recently, the monkey population in India has caused severe problems with yobish behaviour, vandalism, graffiti, and drunken, loutish behaviour by a small minority of the simian population.

A spokesmonkey for the British And North Asian Neutering Apes Society (BANANAS) claimed that the problems of young monkeys and the gang culture that surrounds them, gave the government no other option than sterilisation, to stop any further youngsters becoming involved in the future.

One of the youths involved in the sterilisation process, spoke of his excitement at his new role. Chopya Balsoff, 17, spoke of his enthusiam, "I cant wait to get stuck in, we get 1 ruppee for each sterilsed monkey, but the producers of "I'm a Celebrity..." give us 10 ruppees for each testicle...don't know what they do with them though?". Spokesmen for "I'm a Celebrity..." Mr Ant and Mr Dec denied any knowledge of the illigal monkey ball purchases, claiming that they only ever use fresh kangaroo testicles in all their tasks.

Yesterdays Knews In Brief

It’s been a slow couple of days on the satirical news front what with it being New Year and all. Well that and the fact that all the major world news stories just happen to be just a teeny-weeny bit too sensitive for fat feckless wastrels like us to get involved in (yes we’re cowards, so what?).

So, until something funny happens or Big Brother Celebrity Attack starts on telly tonight, whichever is sooner, here is a brief round-up of the news in handy bite-size chunks.

Ex-popstar Gareth Gates has announced that he is getting married to his long-time sweetheart. The Unchained Melody ace, 23, has been dating dancer Suzanne Mole for five years, although that does technically include the two and half weeks it took for him to complete the marriage proposal.

Troubled TV funnyman Michael Barrymore was ‘all-white’ on New Year’s Eve when his pet cockatoo nervously reacted to the midnight fireworks and shat all over his face. The statue-up-the-arse comic said “feel free to insert your own pool party punchline”.

Jay Leno and The Tonight Show were back on the air last night after a two month enforced hiatus due to the Hollywood writers strike. Unfortunately, as NBC have failed to make a deal with the screenwriters union, Leno didn’t have the luxury of a team of writers to make him funny and produced little more than an hour of inconsequential, sycophantic interviews and deeply unamusing references. Strangely enough, viewers didn’t notice any difference.