Yesterdays Knews Showbiz Awards 2007

Well it’s that time again when we look back at the past year and think about what we’ve learnt. And what better way to celebrate the year than to have another awards show?

So, with that unoriginal thinking in mind, we’re proud to bring you the inaugural Yesterdays Knews Showbiz Awards for 2007 or “The Yessies” as they are certain to never be called by anyone. Ever.

Anyway, without further ado, let’s crack on with the glittering, star-studded ceremony.

To kick things off, it’s the gong for Piss-artist of the Year : There’s been some strong competition in this a vintage year for the new crop of hell-raisers and low-self-respect-having celebrities. The ladies were really showing us how it’s done this year with distinctions going to Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and of course, Amy Winehouse.

However, in part due to his complete lack of knowledge of his own image and mainly due to his brilliant knack of managing to get himself bollocksed in the strangest public places, most notably at Heathrow Airport while lifting up and carrying around the manageress of the Sock Shop and then stumbling around the terminal urging everybody in ear-shot to not “Hassle the Hoff” before slumping into a pathetic drunken stupor and urinating in his pants whilst asleep, this year’s booze-hound of the Year can be none other than David Hasselhoff. Jump in your car Hoff? No thanks mate. It stinks quite strongly of piss.

(As a special Christmas gift, for anyone who hasn’t yet seen it, here’s a link to The Hoff’s now infamous semi-naked drunken hamburger meltdown.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QH3JAp7vMuo

The Carpenters Award for most unsettling brother and sister pop act : X Factor finalists Same Difference. Remember kids, the group that bathes together, stays together.

The Kate Thornton Award for the most disproportionately irritating, vacuous, blonde bastard : Fearne Cotton beats off her namesake Anthony Cotton in what will almost certainly be the only time you’ll ever read that sentence.

The John Gotti Award for being so obviously guilty as fuck but somehow not only getting away with it but seemingly becoming more successful than before : Rat-faced, racist, tit-flopper-out Danielle Lloyd.

The Please Why Don’t You Follow Exactly In The Footsteps Of Your Famous Mother Award : Pea-brained, big-mouthed, rich little gobshite Peaches Geldof.

The Smuggest Prick on the Telly Award : As you might imagine, we’ve had no shortage of contenders for this prized gong. Worth dishonourable mentions this year have been Jeffrey Archer and spivvy business cock Simon Jordan who both “starred” on ITV’s bizarre begging show Fortune, everyone involved in the thankfully now defunct toss-fest that was Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, American Idol dwarf Ryan Seacrest (the only television presenter who always looks like he’s enjoying a delicious ice cream treat) , TV cook “Ooh look at me, I live in the country and am entirely self-sufficient living off home-made soil sandwiches baked in my very own kiln which is powered only by own sense of superiority. Bow down before me you supermarket-frequenting city-dwelling scum” Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall and those absolute shite-eating, cock-rings off the Coke Zero advert.

But, we can only have one winner. And that means that the award for the smuggest, most self-satisfied prick to have shown up on our TV screens this year is Mr Ricky Gervais. He’s won tons of awards, made millions of pounds and has literally arseloads of showbiz mates you know? Just thought we should remind you of that, as he hasn’t mentioned it for the last two days.

And finally, we’re left with the blue ribbon award for Twat of the Year. We’re sure you’ll agree, there’s been a plentiful supply of celebrity twats this year but there is one who towers head and shoulders above them all. Yes, the Yesterdays Knews Twat of the Year 2007 is, for so very many reasons, David Cameron. We know that he’s not an according-to-hoil celeb, but, bearing in mind that quote about politics being showbusiness for ugly people, the Mr Potato Head-faced vapid liar will do quite nicely. And let’s face it, can you think of a bigger twat? Exactly.

That’s all the awards we’ve got time for this year, so all that’s left to do is to wish all of you, on behalf of the Yesterdays Knews team, a very Merry Christmas.

Diary of an Editor

Well, being a car owner, its a very rare occasion that I take public transport, but today was going to be an exception.

That is...until I got to the bus-stop.

Why are all buses these days single deckers?

The queue for the number 20 snaked up the street, and the packed bus looked like the 11:20 train from New Delhi, with people hanging onto the sides for dear life!!

Suffice to say...I declined the trip onto town, but it reminded me of a bus trip I took a while ago...perhaps I'll tell that story tomorrow.

Diary of an Editor...

Here at Yesterday's Knews the editors of your favourite blog site lead interesting and varied lives outside the confines of the internet world. And so, I thought it would be an interesting piece, to do a diary for our readers, giving you an insight into the bizarre world we live in.

And so to start, I will tell you about my strange day.

Its Christmas!! so, I joined the throngs of shoppers to finish off my Christmas present buying. On entering my first shop, a happy looking shop assistant watched me enter, with a smile, and began to slowly follow me around the store...which can be quite uncomfortable when your trying to stuff wooly jumpers into your aluminium lined carrier bag.

Anyway, she walked up to me...a 6 foot, stocky scouser and said "Can I help you? I don't think we have any dresses for you today..." Do I look like Paul O'Grady?? no... But I'll humour her "What!!! you don't have anything in my size?" to which she looked around the shop and pointed out a rubber gimp suit (it was M&S by the way, or is that S&M?) to which I jokingly asked "Do you have anywhere I can try it on??" before smiling at her and leaving the store...

And that is a true story...well...almost...

Godless Clegg Branded A Disgrace

New Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg was slammed by prominent Labour and Conservative MPs last night as it emerged that, disgracefully, he doesn't believe in God.

Senior Tory frontbencher, George Rentboy-Abuser, queried Clegg's right to run a major political party when he won't be able to blame any of his half-baked, incompetent or dangerous policies on an all-powerful deity. "He'll be saying he wants gays in the Navy next, dear me."

The attack from Labour was started by Gordon Brown acolyte, Mike Cocks. Mr Cocks savaged Mr Clegg as "a heathen, rat-shagging devil-man." He reasoned that if Christianity is good enough for our brave and noble leader Mr Brown, it should be plenty good enough for a no-mark, Ethel Austin version of David Cameron.

Mr Clegg was unperturbed by the criticism however, explaining that the popularity of celebrity atheists like Richard Dawkins, has led him to believe that he could corner the market for "the thinking man's (and woman's of course, and hermaphrodites'. Oh and albinos as well) votes."

When quizzed as to how his views would affect his treatment of the clergy should he ever be elected Prime Minister, and therefore Deputy Head of the Church of England, Mr Clegg, after he'd stopped laughing, promised that he would not bash the bishops. "At least not any more than was absolutely necessary".

Yankee Fool-dle Dandy

A sculpture seen by thousands in a Chigaco musuem was pronounced a forgery this week, much to the amusement of us here at Yesterday's Knews Towers!! The Faun, believed to be created by artist Paul Gaugin, was actually created by Shaun Greenhaulgh, from Bolton, and his 84 year old mother, Olive.

This is not the first time Americans have been swindled by us canny Brits!! London Bridge was sold to an American tycoon, who, allegedly, believed it to be the more impressive Tower Bridge. And just this week, the Smithsonian museum bought this painting below...believing it to be the Mona Lisa.

Doctors Say Smoking Causes AIDS

A top medical research group today announced that smoking can give you AIDS. The shock findings were published by the London-based Moseley Group as a result of a thorough week-long medical study.

This follows recent research that declared that smoking also caused diabetes, lactose-intolerance, backache and shitty arses.

According to the paper, a crack team of physicians and scientists studied 10 cases of HIV patients and discovered that 4 of them were smokers. This information was then fed through their supercomputer to extrapolate the results across the global population. Consequently, they have found a clear cause-and-effect between smoking and AIDS with a mathematical likelihood co-efficient of 40.

Presenting the results, Dr Royston Castle PhD, announced “here we find yet another deadly side-effect of this disgusting habit. Smokers of the world, I promise you this, I will not cease from mental flight, nor shall my sword sleep in my hand, till I have blamed every last disease on your filthy chicanery. You scum make me sick. Literally”

Yesterday's Knews Attracts World Wide Attention...

It's official, Yesterday's Knews is attracting attention from across the World Wide Web. The newspaper that gives its readers the world’s news with its very own twist is making a splash beyond these shores. Even before the excellent review from Channel 4's very own 4 Laughs website your favourite newspaper was getting a high level of attention. With the continued high volume of hits our newspaper has been receiving Yesterday's Knews continues to be the newspaper that everyone wants to read.

Yesterday's Knews Christmas Present for all its Readers...

Well, its that time of year again, where a large bearded man in a red coat breaks into your house and empties his sack all over your living room floor. Why we put up with this every year I do not know!! Anyway...here at Yesterday's Knews Towers, we always enjoy the festive spirit...some more than others (hic!) and so to provide our readers with a little festive cheer, we will be creating a Christmas Story!!

This is something myself and my colleagues have done for a number of years now, locked away in our ivory towers. One of us will begin a story, and each of us will take a turn in continuing the story where the other has left off, to create a masterpiece of comical genius!! or not...so here goes...

The Christmas Story...Part 1

"90 degrees in the shade!! I hate the summer..." Santa sat on the beach sipping Pina Colada's and eyeing up the bikini clad ladies. He also hated not having his beard, having to shave it off every summer to remain incognito was beginning to become tiresome. But what worried him most on this hot mid July day, was the news playstation 3's would be the toy of next Christmas...how was he going to afford £300 quid for 2 billion children's presents?...not to mention the numerous recent requests for Mohammed teddy bears!! This was going to be one tricky Christmas...

Over to you Mr GQB...

Bullied Brown Hits Back

Beleaguered Prime Minister Gordon Brown has today moved against his critics in a savage Commons attack.

The PM is said to have been brooding over a string of insults from his opposite numbers, David Cameron and Vince Cable, and reacted to a further remark by Mr Cameron this afternoon with a vicious outburst.

After being branded "Mr Bean" by acting Liberal Democrat leader Mr Cable, the PM complained to the Speaker of the House, saying he was being picked on. This led Conservative leader Mr Cameron to taunt him further with jibes that he was “a rotten, stinking grass” and “why don’t you just run home to mummy, you Cyclops twat”.

It was that final insult that seemed to push Mr Brown over the edge. Trembling with anger, he threw off his jacket, ripped open his shirt and screamed “Come on then! I’ll fuckin’ batter the pair of youse, you fuckin’radges!Aaaarrrggghhhh!”

In unprecedented scenes, the PM then proceeded to vault over the Dispatch Box and headbutt Mr Cameron with considerable force. As the Tory leader lay prostrate on the Commons floor, Mr Brown waded into the Lib Dem benches and dragged Mr Cable out into the centre of the room. The PM grabbed Mr Cable’s testicles and appeared to be squeezing them like Jack Lemmon might’ve squeezed stress balls in the film Glengarry Glenross.

Whilst applying the testicular torture, Mr Brown addressed the Lib Dem chief “Mr Bean am I eh? Think you’re a smartarse do you son? C’moan then, let’s hear another one o’ yir funnies then, ya cunt.”

After Mr Cable tearfully apologised for his insult, the PM released him from his iron-clad grip and the soon-to-be-ex Lib Dem leader crawled away to seek medical help for his devastated conkers.

Mr Brown was finally restrained by half-a-dozen Labour frontbenchers. As he was being ushered out of the Commons, he left a parting shot to the bewildered Opposition by threatening to come back next week “and do the fucking lot of youse. So you'd better look out, awright?”

Oxford Union 'Were Racist By Mistake’

The President of the Oxford Union yesterday denied that Monday’s appearance by notorious racists David Irving and Nick Griffin was a cheap and insensitive publicity stunt. In fact Union head Luke Twyll claimed that it was all a case of mistaken identity.

In an astonishing confession, Twyll stated that the booking of Holocaust-denier and Nazi-fetishist Irving, together with BNP thug-in-a-suit Griffin, was an “admin error”.

“You can only imagine my horror when I saw these two monsters arrive at the Union on Monday night” said Master Twyll. “I’d specifically asked for that hilarious fat guy off the telly, Peter Griffin, and the famous songwriter Irving Berlin and left it up to the Union’s secretary to make the necessary arrangements. Well that’s what happens when you trust the working-classes with anything important eh? Dreadful oiks.”

When it was pointed out to Twyll that Peter Griffin is a fictional character in the animated TV show Family Guy and that Irving Berlin has in fact been dead for many years, he backtracked further.

“I knew that of course. Just testing old boy! No, I had, um actually, requested that we book the griffin off the old Midland Bank logo and erm, Eddie Irving (sic), the racing driver. Yes that’s it. Definitely.”

Young Master Twyll was then interrupted by The Telegraph’s correspondent Percival Wilberforce, who explained to him, in no uncertain terms, that he had one last chance to tell the truth or else he would pop the young scoundrel over his knee and give his tender young botty a sound thrashing.

His bottom-lip quivering, Twyll managed to splutter “OK. I made a mistake. Sorry. I meant to say that I meant to invite Derek Griffiths, the Playschool presenter and the 18th Century writer Washington Irving. Now please excuse me, I have to go” before running away as fast as his little legs would carry him.

We met up with Seventies style icon Derek Griffiths last night over cocktails to gauge his reaction to this somewhat surprising news. He said “I was really excited to hear about the offer to speak at the Oxford Union when you rang me this afternoon. So I rang Oxford University up and told them I’d be delighted to accept the invitation if it still stands. The man on the other end said they don’t let blacks on the premises and hung up.”

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Brown To Kill Cretins

Prime Minister Gordon Brown, shaken by the negative reception to his policy plans outlined in the Queen’s Speech, has today announced an unashamedly populist addendum.

Mr Brown announced that the government will henceforth adopt a zero-tolerance attitude towards idiotic and irritating words and phrases. He said that he will liaise with Army chiefs in order to put together death squads, who will be charged with “cleaning the braindead filth off the streets of this proud isle we call Britannia”.

Top of Mr Brown’s agenda is tackling the individuals who use the acronym ‘LOL’. From tomorrow onwards, anyone who uses this baffling term on the internet will be identified electronically and, within minutes, can expect a knock at the door from a particularly sadistic execution team. As the PM rightly pointed out “what does this LOL even mean? I haven’t got a clue and I suspect neither do the majority of the British people”.

Also on the PM’s hitlist are any journalist or commenter, either professional or amateur, who think they are showing off their supposedly superior knowledge of pop-culture and entertainment ‘industry-speak’ by using the phrase “jumped the shark” to describe something that is not as good as it used to be. Any person or persons guilty of this abomination will be summarily eviscerated.

In addition, Mr Brown also intends to clamp down on the use of the word “chav” as he rightly pointed out that “there are dozens of perfectly appropriate words already in place for this. What’s wrong with scumbag, bin-dipper, scally, ned, pikey or scrote eh? Eh?”

He continued “and, last but by no means least, any witless retards who still think it’s amusing to indicate disagreement or disapproval by adding ‘….not’ at the end of a sentence will now be knifed in the face by madmen”.

Mr Brown’s plans were rubbished by prospective Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg who sneered “this is craven vote-seeking by the Prime Minister. You would never see such a thing as this from the Liberal Democrats, I can assure you.”

When we put this to Mr Brown he replied “Nick who? I have literally never heard of him”.

And, in response to David Cameron’s claim that he “was going a bit far, what, what, what”, the PM harrumphed “he can fuck off as well”.

Blogging “A Waste Of Time And For Idiots” Say Experts

Blogging has come under attack from computer scientists and technology specialists. A report, published this morning by the Southampton & Hove Institute of Technology (S.H.I.T), has concluded that the vast majority of blog entries across the internet are “utterly pointless”.

Presenting the report, Professor Bill Rawles said that the blogging craze had polluted the internet with such an extravagant volume of inane waffle that it was actually getting quite difficult to find any decent pornography.

Professor Rawles continued “Our extensive research has concluded that, in 99.98% of cases, no-one, and I really do mean no-one, anywhere in the whole World, is even remotely interested in your self-obsessed droolings about your tedious little non-lives.”

The Professor proceeded to differentiate between those who run their own blogs (“Talentless timewasters but ultimately harmless wannabes”) and the lazier bloggers who spend their days reading entries from professional writers on established media websites, witlessly and pedantically criticising every single article (“Lonely, twisted, nerdy, illiterate failures.”).

The report concludes by saying that if the seemingly exponential growth of blogging is not halted soon, Western Society will come to a standstill; no-one will be doing any work as we’ll all be too busy pretending we’re interesting and erudite writers and social commentators. Like Stephen Fry or something. And then we’ll all starve to death and probably get eaten by the Nazis.

We approached one of the World’s most famous bloggers, gossip columnist Perez Hilton, for his reaction to the report. He said, with his customary caustic wit and eloquence “Oooh, now that Lindsay Lohan? She is suuuch a sluuut!”

Seeking a more relevant comment to the world of the ‘blogosphere,’ we met up with Britain’s top blogger, Francis Grink, for lunch. Mr Grink said “I’m sorry but I don’t appear to be able to express my emotions or personality on this, or indeed any other, issue in person. I’ll have to send you an email to describe my views OK?”

Later that day Mr Grink’s email response arrived. It contained all of his feelings about the report which damned his entire life’s work and said “:-(”

Hamburglar 'Not Guilty' Of Cop Slaying

The Hamburglar was sensationally released from Death Row yesterday after the Appeal Court overturned his conviction for the brutal murder of a policeman.

The Appeal Court judges ruled unanimously that the murder could not have been committed by The Hamburglar as new CCTV evidence clearly corroborated his alibi that he was busy at that time, stealing beefburgers from scummy people’s babies’ prams.

In the original trial the jury heard several witness testimonies describing a “strange-looking character” who was “loitering around, looking very shifty” near the scene of the sickening slaying. The Prosecution managed to convince the jury that the only person who could possibly fit that description was The Hamburglar.

Their argument was that the many-times convicted burger thief was foiled in an opportunistic attempt to purloin a package of patties by a passing patrolman. And in a blind panic, with the fear that he may have to go back to prison, he hit the unfortunate officer on the back of the head with a comedic object, thought to be a vase. The policeman was killed instantly by the head trauma, with the perpetrator hastily fleeing the scene.

The Court apologised to The Hamburglar for the “unfortunate misunderstanding” and hoped he would be able to “laugh about it one day”. A spokesman confirmed that he is due to be granted an official pardon at City Hall tomorrow by Mayor McCheese.

However, if The Hamburglar definitely did not commit the murder, and a city mayor with a hamburger for a face says he didn’t, then who did?

Police have been ordered to re-open this case and we understand they may just have a new lead. One witness has apparently come forward to say that they overheard a food-related business deal go bad at the location of the crime scene, whereby a shambling figure was clearly heard to be swindling hamburgers from an undercover cop. His chilling words were “I will gladly pay you Tuesday for one hamburger today”.

Police have released the following sketch of the suspect and asked if anybody recognises the man to call their special hit squad on 0800 LAW. They said that he is likely to be armed and dangerous and warned the public not to approach him under any circumstances.

Beeb Unveil New Reality Show

Brace yourselves bastards, because Yesterdays Knews is bringing you a red-hot sizzling showbiz scoop.

Hot off the presses is the news that BBC1 is planning on unveiling a dynamite new Saturday night reality-entertainment show.

Details are unconfirmed at the time of going to press but what we do is that it involves several public schoolmasters competing against each other to anally-rape the guy who used to play Sam Malone in TV's Cheers.

All we know for certain at this stage is that is that the working title is "Strictly Bum Danson".

ITV ‘Fix’ Fixed Phone-In Phone Vote

Beleaguered ITV chiefs faced a fresh fraud scandal last night as details emerged that the public telephone vote to decide the punishment of Chief Executive Michael Grade, for the channel’s fixing of numerous TV phone votes, has itself been fixed.

Mr Grade had agreed to take full responsibility for the “systematic” defrauding of thousands of ITV viewers who had been encouraged to call premium-rate numbers to enter competitions they had no chance of winning.

It was revealed only last week by independent auditors called in by Mr Grade himself, that the channel had dishonestly availed itself of over £7million of its viewers money. However, to prevent the company from losing its most high-profile culprits and biggest stars, Ant and Dec, Mr Grade opted to carry the can personally.

So, ever the showman, Grade announced an exciting one-off premium-rate telephone vote, where ripped-off ITV viewers could choose his punishment. Several options were made available, such as putting Mr Grade in the stocks outside ITV HQ and being pelted with foodstuffs or tying him to a cross on the top of Ben Nevis with only larger-than-life ex-Emmerdale actress and former ‘You’ve Been Framed’ host, Lisa Riley for company.

Millions of people rang in and it is widely believed that the punishment that actually received by far the highest number of votes was for Mr Grade to be paraded in front of his own cameras wearing women’s underwear while Chris Tarrant injected him with cat Aids.

So there was widespread surprise when ITV announced last night that the result of the public poll was for Grade to “just be let off really and let’s all forget about this silly business and get on with making quality television”. Suspicions were first aroused when it was noticed by crack investigative reporter Donal Macintyre, that this eventuality was never actually included in the phone vote as an option.

The result was confirmed as bogus when top media insiders established that ITV has never made, and does not appear to have any plans for making, any “quality television”.

When confronted with our findings, ITV head of finance Frank Abagnale said “Did we fiddle the punishment vote? Call 0898 123456 01 for ‘Yes’ and 0898 123456 02 for ‘No’. Calls are charged at 69p per minute and there may be a standard network charge. If you’re under 18, please get the permission of the bill payer before you call. Not all calls will be successful but all calls WILL be charged.”

Your Comments : Our Replies

We have noticed that after nearly two years in operation, this website has finally had a few comments from you, the general public. So, seeing as we’re polite, we intend to add a new feature where we address your comments in detail.

Now my colleague Mr Jordan has already dealt with anonymous’ comments of the 4th October concerning the Dr Fox / Liam Fox conundrum and the Cameron v Brown cock-off so there’s no more to be said there other than well done and thank you. It’s nice to see people joining in.

As for the second comment (also by an anonymous poster) received on our hugely-popular political cock-out scoop which said:

“Has the author of this article got a fetish for men’s cocks it seems to be a running theme?”

Firstly, can I just say hello and welcome to the site Mr Davidson. Glad to see you’ve recovered from your recent reality-television meltdown. Although, really what are you doing on here in the first place?

Secondly, you are quite wrong to allege a strong cock bias on this staunchly liberal website. We at Yesterdays Knews are proud to be genitally-neutral in our reporting stance. For proof of this, look up our old feature about German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s fanny operation.

Anyway, as it seems that even our least-subtle attempts at humour have proven too avant-garde for you, it seems only right that you should now leave. Yes, I mean you, comic genius. I’m talking to you. Go on fuck off. I’m not joking. If you can’t get simple (although admittedly not very funny) references to macho political one-upmanship, you don’t deserve to be here. So do one. Prick.

Right. Everyone else happy? Good. Well that’s all for now but don’t forget to keep posting your comments and we’ll be back to abuse another lucky reader this time next week.

New Kid In The Grid

A 10 year old girl got trapped down a grid yesterday and had to be rescued by firemen.

The Pyjama wearing youngster was playing with friends when she saw her 2 year old brother near the open drain. Unfortunately, in trying to protect her brother, she slipped and fell and became lodged in the sewerage hole.

Firemen took over 1 hour to rescue the child, with some officers having to receive treatment for abdominal discomfort through laughing so hard!!

To anonymous..you know who you are..

Yesterday's Knews would like to thank all of you out there who have responded with encouraging comments with regard to our work on this site. A mention must go out to Mr, or is it Miss, Anonymous, who contacts us on regular occasions to provide a moment of wisdom.

Recent comments from Anon, as he or she is affectionately know in Knews towers are as follows:

In regards to the post, "Cameron will get is cock out for votes", Anon has written "I must admit the thought of david cameron and gordon brown having a cock stand off fills me with dread."

Further to this, a recent article entitled "Army In Firing Line For Drastic Cuts" received this encouraging response "Very funny but surely Dr Liam Fox and Dr Fox the DJ are both one and the same or have I been listening to the wrong crap radio show?"

I can assure Anon that Yes! they have been listening to crap radio shows, and if they would like to confront their fears, Mr Cameron and PM Mr Brown would be happy to arrange a visit to their home where a suitable arena could be set up for the cock fight of the century.

For tickets to the event, log onto CockMaster http://www.misnomer.org/images/throwpeople_lg_nyt4.jpg or alernatively, open your front room window and shout "I need cock badly!!" to receive alternative arrangements.

Cameron Will Get His Cock Out For Votes

David Cameron promised today that if the Conservatives win the next General Election and he becomes PM, he will appear naked on the 6 O’Clock news to show the nation his penis.

The sensational pledge was made to round-off his keynote speech at the Conservative Party conference in Blackpool this afternoon. To a rapturous reception by a clearly-mesmerized crowd, Mr Cameron said:

“Please Great Britain. Oh and Northern Ireland of course. I urge you, vote for me. If you let me be Prime Minister, I’ll show you all my magnificent cock. And my balls, they’re no slouches either I can tell you. Like two granite boulders but with wispy moss hanging off them. In a sexy way obviously. Now can you expect to get that from Gordon Brown? Pfff, I don’t think so!”

Quick as flash, the PM responded to Mr Cameron’s bold claims:

“If David Cameron thinks he’s the only party leader with telegenic genitals, he’s in for a surprise my fellow Britons. In fact, I will say to you now, people of Britain, that you have nothing to fear from the Tory’s twizzler. When I crush Dave ‘The Rave’ in next month’s poll, Britain will see a proud, Presbyterian prick glistening in the morning light of Downing Street. A prick that will stand for a thousand years! Hahahaha!”

The Liberal Democrats’ high command have already intimated that they are not looking to follow-suit in the knob-out stakes, saying that the whole thing “demeans politics”. Although, it is believed that their reluctance to join in actually stems from the fact that the party’s focus groups found there was no discernible interest in seeing Ming’s maggot.

Ladies, why not let us know what you think. Would you like to see “Dishy” Dave’s dong? Or would you prefer to feast your eyes on Brown’s boner? Choose your weapon carefully though. The future of the country might depend on it!

Soap Character Makes Unwise Decision

Shock news has reached us of a potentially-disastrous development for a character in a major British soap opera.

The character, who cannot be named for legal reasons, is believed to have made a rash decision which could have terrible repercussions on their business and possibly even their marriage.

It is unclear at present as to why the protagonist would behave in such an unexpectedly cavalier manner. However, internet chatrooms have been all aflutter with conjecture and half-baked rumour-mongering. The most plausible theory being that the character’s behaviour-patterns have been sent off-kilter by the recent arrival in the village (or town, street or square) of the human baby they didn’t know they had.

Whether or not the mistake can be rectified before numerous lives are ruined, only time will tell.

Meanwhile, a married man and an engaged-to-be-married woman are having an affair, causing her to have grave doubts about going through with her impending nuptials. To the man’s best friend!

New Tory Outrage Over ‘Sick’ TV Show

Conservative lobbyists have called for a new late-night digital television programme to be banned before it airs tonight. The show, ‘Danger Wanks’, is to be broadcast on recently-established digital channel Bongo TV.

Preview tapes of ‘Danger Wanks’ have been widely distributed to the media in a blitzkrieg publicity campaign by the channel in an attempt to whip up a storm of controversy.

The blurb suggests that the show contains moderately-pornographic images of naked women exploring their bodies for approximately two minutes at a time. Spliced footage of incongruous topics is then edited in.

We asked Jack Der Ripper, creative director of Bongo TV to explain the point of this bizarre televisual experiment.

“Well it’s called Danger Wanks, because we show the good stuff like naked ladies soaping themselves up to encourage our male viewers to wank themselves off. But there’s a twist.

After exactly two minutes and fourteen seconds of each porno scene (which scientists have discovered is the exact amount of time it takes to get to the vinegar strokes while knocking one out when hunched over the TV screen) we cut away to an image designed to disturb you as you reach climax. That’s the challenge. Can you toss against the clock or will you face the danger of blurting your load over a deeply inappropriate piece of film that could psychologically scar you for life?”

In tonight’s pilot episode, we have been promised footage of a beautiful Latvian woman indulging a bit of nude car washing to get you up the runway, which is then replaced after the standard two minutes and fourteen seconds, with film of Michael Parkinson spitting on a hen.

Prominent Tory and Mary Whitehouse-devotee Geoffrey Preen of the perpetually outraged Scaremongerers Group is leading the charge to have the show pulled from the schedules after witnessing first-hand the damage that can be inflicted.

“I attended a public screening of this despicable programme at the Roxy in Soho last week and I could barely believe what I was witnessing.

One minute I’m happily ensconced in the back row, vigorously tugging away at my proud member of parliament while ogling a lovely young thing on the big screen. When, suddenly and without any warning, I end up spilling my hot porridge oats all over my lap to shots of Inch High Private Eye. You know, the cartoon private eye who is only an inch high. Needless to say, I am now a paedophile.”

If you’re brave enough, 'Danger Wanks' is on Bongo TV at 11.30 tonight. Why not give it a look? And be sure to let us know if you have been mentally or emotionally affected by it. Especially if you develop a kinky fetish for poultry-abuse as we happen to have a few chickens in a field that we might let you borrow for a reasonable price. Just think about it anyway yeah?

Jim Davidson : An Apology

You may have noticed in our Hell’s Kitchen special report last week, that we described ‘nick nick’ comic Jim Davidson as “a racist”.

We now accept that this is inaccurate. He is also a misogynist. Oh and a homophobe. And a bitter, twisted, self-pitying, bullying, Sun-reading, shit snooker quiz-presenting, bankrupt, lifeboat-obsessed, suit-wearing, washed-up, snivelling, rodent-faced, carrot-topped, four-eyed fuck. And he badly wanted to bum Marco Pierre White. So who's the 'shirt-lifter' now eh?

Once again, Jim, we’re sorry. Hope this sets the record straight.

Did Rival Take a Potts Shot at Pavarotti?

Worrying news has reached us this afternoon that Italian police have received an anonymous tip indicating that the death of opera-legend Luciano Pavorotti may not have been due to natural causes.

It is believed that the Carabinieri have now received four telephone calls, each one from a different informant. All however, sang their information in similarly irritating opera-lite style in upper-middle class English accents. A bit like Tim Henman apparently. But not actually him. He’s got an alibi apparently. He was otherwise engaged telephonically-speaking, as he was wanking over popular sexline 0891 Jizz In My Face You Tiger.

Our source in the Modena Police Department informed us that in all calls, the same name was revealed as a suspect for the potential murder of Signor Pavarotti. That man was none other than Britain’s Got Talent winner, Paul Potts. The callers are alleging that the Elizabeth Duke operatic-style warbler has become so hungry for success that he would stop at nothing to ensure his recognition as the finest singer in the World. And if that meant undertaking a covert and highly-implausible scheme to murder his hero, then that was the price he was willing to pay.

It is not thought that Paul Potts’ mentor, lego-haired music mogul Simon Cowell, had any knowledge of this plan according to the secret informants. Although they did comment that Cowell was “a flipping rotter for letting that grinning Jewish oaf Steve Brookstein beat them in the final of X-Factor 1” before panicking and slamming the phone down immediately.

We tracked down Paul Potts this afternoon, hiding out in his modest North Wales home. We attempted to ask him if he had any comment to make about these scurrilous allegations but he could only stand on his front step and sing “Donna e mobile” (that’s Paolo Di Canio to you, football fans) to our reporter. But instead of singing the actual words, he belted out “Fuck off you piece of shit, G4 are fucking dead.” Make of that what you will friends.

Fresh Fakes For Sale in Hell's Kitchen

ITV are today facing up to a new faking scandal as reports surface that things on their new reality show Hell’s Kitchen, are not quite what they seem.

We have come into possession of a dossier that clearly proves this programme is a big fat phoney.

The first incident of clear misrepresentation occurred in their promotional literature, where racist Ian Beale-doppelganger, Jim Davidson, was described as “a comedian”. This claim alone would be enough to sink the production’s credibility, seeing as how it has been a matter of public record that the weasel-faced, ginger, bigoted talent-void has never said or done, either accidentally or purposefully, anything funny in his shameful waste of a life.

The misleading of the public continues apace. Likeable Big Brother 2 winner Brian Dowling was billed as a “television presenter”. However, when we conducted a straw poll on the streets of London this morning, no-one from a hundred people asked, could name any programme Mr Dowling has ever presented. (Although, our legal team have asked us to point out the fact that this does not technically constitute proof in a court of law. Well that, and the fact that the only people we could find who would speak to us were tramps, who we plied with Tesco Value lager, and who, unsurprisingly, did not seem to own even one television set amongst them. )

Once you add to these TV crimes (see what we did there?) the revelation that Hell’s Kitchen itself is not even a restaurant but is in fact a temporary television studio done out to be like a restaurant then it is clear that the viewing populace is being defrauded on a massive scale.

We contacted ITV chiefs with our evidence this morning and asked them if they had anything to say on the matter. Shamefully, they dismissed our bombshell claims as “the worst kind of cock” and pointed out the sheer pointlessness of a made-up news-reporting website pretending to be in possession of bogus allegations of imaginary fakery. But then again, they would say that wouldn’t they?

NFL Star Vick ‘Raised By Wolves’

The investigation into the dog fighting ring allegedly run by American Football superstar Michael Vick, yesterday took a most unexpected turn.

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Vick pleaded guilty to organising dog fights and killing those dogs that were not considered tough enough to ‘make the grade’. However, he then dropped a bombshell on prosecutors in an attempt to receive leniency. He claimed that, to him, such behaviour is completely normal owing to the fact that he was brought-up by a pack of wolves.

Vick’s extraordinary affidavit stated that he was abandoned as a child and discovered next to a riverbed by a family of wolves, who took pity on the child and opted to raise him as their own.

Vick argues that his lupine upbringing has left him unable to fully integrate into civilised society, causing him to seek out the company of dangerous dogs for comfort. The only way he could do this, apparently, without revealing his shameful secret, was to run a dog fighting ring.

A tearful Vick could only say at yesterday’s press conference “I don’t wanna take anything away from my mom and pops, Fang and Martin, because I appreciate what they did for me so much. But I got so used to hanging around with big, crazy dog-like creatures with sharp teeth and a vicious blood-lust that I just missed them like crazy.”

What effect this remarkable declaration will have on Judge Clarence Beekes’ sentencing is impossible to predict. However an un-named source close to the judge told us that unless Mr Vick’s actual human parents, Alfred and Marcy, manage to metamorphosise just like Michael J Fox did in 'Teen Wolf' in the courtroom, then he (Vick) is “going down for a ten-stretch, the slag”.

We’re Back. Hooray!

Hello again to our loyal band of readers with too much time on your hands. After a lengthy summer break, your favourite sub-standard, hastily-cobbled-together, made-up news website is back to bring you the stories that no-one else could be arsed to think up.

A lot has happened since we were last bothered to update here, so here is a quick summary of the global news events we missed while we were “away”.

The UK was hit by flash floods causing death (well a few) and devastation throughout Yorkshire and the South-East. Although, judging by the English media coverage you’d be forgiven for thinking they’d suffered a biblical storm so mighty that it could bum rape Hurricane Katrina and make her it’s bitch for life.

Forest fires have raged throughout Greece destroying everything in their wake and killing hundreds of people. Or to put it another way, this is a proper life-threatening disaster on a huge and terrifying scale. But do we see any coverage of this in the British news? Do we shite. Why? Because apparently, dead foreign people don’t count as much as a vicar in Cirencester’s Renault getting a bit damp.

The battle for next year’s US Presidential nominations continued apace with some fascinating televised debates revealing that oh, alright then we didn’t watch any of them. But really, did you? Honestly? Go on then, what happened? Why not let us know in the Comments box below if you can remember any inspiring pieces of oratory and haven’t yet lost the will to live.


And finally, a roundup of news in brief:

Big Brother 8 stumbles pathetically to its conclusion like a Scotsman on his way home from an all-night All-the-fortified wine-you can-drink-for a pound party.

Female celebrities have gone mental:

Britney Spears (pissed/ loony/ bald)

Lindsay Lohan (pissed/ arrested/ pissed/ arrested-again)

Amy Winehouse (pissed/ unwell/ pissed/ married/ pissed/ on drugs/ suicide attempt/ drugs collapse/ rehab/ pissed again/ more drugs/ new Pete Doherty etc,etc,etc)

Barry Bonds made baseball history by breaking Hank Aaron’s all-time home-run record. Oh and the Tour De France was once again blighted by numerous doping offences.

(NB- The preceding two sentences just happen to be next to each other to save space and for absolutely no other reason whatsoever.)

Princess Diana, after 10 years, is still dead.

David Cameron is still a twat.

Aliens Live Among Us?

It is 60 years since the world heard the words flying saucer to depict an unidentified flying object in the sky. And since that moment, millions of people around the globe have claimed to have seen or been visited by beings from another planet. Today we look at some of the reports from the archives of the NUTAS, the National Union of Terrestrial Accounts.

1957, Waco, Texas - Mr Charles Kock saw a large saucepan shaped object flying quickly towards him whilst arguing with his wife. Mr Kock suddenly lost conciousness and was later found on the kitchen floor with a large bruise on his head and a cucumber in his rectum.

1963, Sodhall, Wilts - Mrs Barbara Whire awoke one summers evening to a presence in her room, a humanoid type creature entered her bed and began to babble in an incoherant language, before trying and failing to probe Mrs Whire with a limp flesh like protusion.

1946, Witeshew, Connecticut- Miss Ophelia Tippend was being driven home by her boyfriend when the car unexpectedly ran out of fuel near a layby. Miss Tippend claims that her boyfriend, Mr Airy Bush, was possessed by an alien being and attempted a 'cross gender insemination'. Miss Tippen awoke the next day to find her boyfriend missing and 9 months later, her alien love child was born. The boy, George, was last seen applying for governor of Texas...

PM Brown Takes Credit For Journalist Release

Prime Minister Gordon Brown today announced that he was the driving force behind the sensational release of kidnapped BBC journalist Alan Johnston.

Mr Brown called an emergency press conference at 11am this morning in response to claims from Hamas that they had secured Mr Johnston’s freedom from a rival terrorist group. Addressing the nation’s press the PM said:

“Many of you will have watched last weekend’s thrilling season finale of Doctor Who in which the Doctor, very ably played by my fellow Scotsman David Tennant I must add, released himself, and then the planet Earth, from the evil clutches of The Master by tapping himself into the worldwide psychic network. You remember?

Well, that’s pretty much what I did to obtain Alan Johnston’s release from the evil clutches of The Army of Islam. For the last year now, whilst my predecessor Tony ‘Tony’ Blair was waging war with all and sundry in an inexplicably immoral attempt to assuage his blood-lust, I myself had wired into the universe-wide psychic network. My aim was merely to save Britons in peril as a result of Blair’s crackpot campaign in the Middle East.

Secretly, I had sent my acolytes David Milliband and Ed Balls around the world to persuade every person on the planet to say just one word at precisely 6am this morning. That word was ‘Brown’. The sheer force of six billion people chanting ‘Brown, Brown’ was enough to make the kidnappers spontaneously combust in a huge mushroom cloud of their own faeces and fanaticism. The release of Alan Johnston was then a formality.”

It was put to Mr Brown that no-one present in the room had actually done such a thing, nor had they spoken to anyone who had got up especially early just to start shouting the word Brown. Except comedian Graham ‘Norto’ Norton obviously. But he is known to do this every morning for reasons best kept to himself. Anyway, the PM continued:

“Well of course! That’s the clever bit. After the shit-based psychic channelling managed to release the journalist, I decided to put the world back to the way it was just before-hand so that none of you would remember what grave danger we were all in. And I would have left it at that until those glory-hunting rascals in Hamas decided to steal the credit.”

We tried to get a reaction to the PM’s sensational claims from the Leader of the Opposition, David Cameron. Unfortunately, Mr Cameron was weeping uncontrollably. His child-like wails were only punctuated by a forlorn lament that the Phillips screwdriver in his hand did not magically open stuff like the Doctor’s.

LibDem leader Ming Campbell offered to comment on the controversial speech, but really, life’s too short. So we put Mr Brown’s ‘points’ to the man he replaced as PM, Tony Blair. Mr Blair could only snarl “What an utter fucking one-eyed shitbag.”

Hairdresser Fingered For Armed Raid

A hairdresser accused of helping four men disguise themselves for the biggest robbery in Britain said that she assumed she was making them costumes for a video or theatrical performance, an Old Bailey jury heard yesterday.

Michelle Pigg, 31, from Woolwich, south-east London, was the first person arrested by Kent police over the £53m robbery of the Securitas depot in Tonbridge, Kent, in February last year. She is one of eight pleading not guilty to conspiracy to rob, pilfer, tief and steal and also to handling men’s dicks. She refused to name the four men because she “didn’t know their names”. Or so she says. The lying bitch. (Probably.)

Ms Pigg, who studied theatrical make-up at the London College of Fashion, was arrested the day after the robbery at her home. She had agreed to make the outfits and disguises for the robbers after meeting, then subsequently being vaginally-penetrated over the pool table by, the ringleader, Bill Carr, in an East London public house.

She admitted to making the balaclavas, black-and-white strpey jumpers, cloth caps and Zorro-style eye strips but said that she genuinely believed that Mr Carr and his friends were using these in an upcoming theatre production of Miss Saigon. This so-called production never went ahead.

Ms Pigg was asked by the Prosecuting counsel, Mr Geoffrey Tambor, QC, if she didn’t “smell a rat” when she was then asked to make two-dozen Hessian sacks with the word “SWAG” embroidered on the outside. She replied that she thought these were to represent the mountains of Northern Saigon in the seemingly-rather cut-price production.

Her testimony was shockingly interrupted when Mr Carr shouted several minutes of barely comprehensible cockney abuse at Pigg from the dock. It seemed that Carr was alleging that Ms Pigg is a “slag”, a “fat brass” and a “slack-fannied mess”. He also went on to threaten to “grass her house”, whatever that means.

Following this unexpected interjection, the judge, His Honour Judge Peregrine Falcon, adjourned the case until tomorrow morning.

Don’t Try This At Home

Authorities are concerned that wrestling fans may be tempted to copy the bizarre murder-suicide of WWE star Chris Benoit, a report says today.

The report, published by family action group Campaign for Real American Parents (C.R.A.P), explains that the most vulnerable members of society, children and retards, are also the most likely to be devotees of the WWE. It states:

“There can be huge peer-group pressure amongst groups of under-evolved and, frankly common, wrestling enthusiasts to try to re-create the antics of their heroes. We appeal to them, and their carers, please do not murder your wife and child, before, in a likely fit of guilt and remorse, killing yourself. These acts of psychosis are performed by highly-experienced, immensely drugged-up professionals. Please don’t try this at home.”

We contacted Dr Robert Winston, an expert in child-psychology, to see if the actions of Benoit, nicknamed ‘The Canadian Crippler’, may influence British grapple-fans.

He said “It is certainly true that the very lowest strata of humanity, intelligence-wise, can be the most susceptible to copy-cat behaviour, regardless of the morality of such behaviour. Now, if you were to tell me that most or all of these fuckwits watch this dreadful WWF nonsense obsessively, then I would conclude that yes, it is pretty likely that they will want to ‘ape’ the behaviour of the icons they stare at so blankly on their TV screens.”

Dr Winston failed to back our campaign to ban this filth from our television schedules, however, arguing that whilst “we could be in imminent danger of becoming a nation of over-muscular, freakishly veiny, steroid-munching lycra-wearing, frat-boy freaks-of-nature”, the prospect of losing a few thousand “shit-for-brained, obese peasants” from British society could only be a good thing.

Clarkson Rapped Over Gay Car Jibe

Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson was slammed today by TV regulators for making a homophobic remark on the hit BBC2 show.

In a January edition of the weekly motoring magazine, Clarkson, 44, referred to a car as “a bit ginger beer”, which is thought to be rhyming slang for "queer”, a pejorative term for homosexuals.

OFCOM, the regulatory body responsible for British television, launched an inquiry after receiving five complaints from viewers about the remark. It is not known whether the complainants were actually pillow-biters themselves but “it seems pretty likely”, according to our secret TV source.

After the seven-week investigation was concluded, OFCOM ruled that Clarkson had brought television into disrepute and caused great offence to gays everywhere, pathetic and unattractive women who desperately crave the attention of gays, the car (which is resolutely hetero), the car’s family and friends, ginger beer drinkers, ginger-haired people, ginger nut biscuits and communists.

This is not the first time the plain-speaking TV host and journalist has courted controversy with his no-nonsense remarks. In August 1998 he was reprimanded by his BBC paymasters for saying that the French need to “just fuck off” and he offended many animal-rights activists in November 2003 saying they “should all die like rats”.

Clarkson was unrepentant last night at his luxury home in the Isle of Man. He said he would reluctantly apologise for the remark but not in the way the complainants would be expecting:

“I am sorry…..I suppose. Now I wish I hadn’t gone with the ginger beer reference. I think I ought to have said something more oblique. Like saying the car was ‘a tad lemonade’.”

When questioned as to the relevance of ‘lemonade’ Jezza boomed:

“Come on! The gays love sticking lemons up each other’s arses. And they’ve all got Aids!”

Mick Hits Back At ‘Tight’ Claim

Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger has hit back at claims by his ex-wife Jerry Hall that he was "tight".

In an exclusive chat with our showbiz correspondent, Polly Twatt, a clearly incensed Jagger sought to put the record straight, saying Hall’s claims were “absurd”.

“I have been hanging around with too many degenerate, self-styled bohemian, pretend art-types for the past thirty years for my little freckle to still be tight, I can tell you. I'd say I'm pretty loose, if anything.

She (Jerry) knows as well I do that back in the 70’s me, Elton, Bowie and Freddie always had our fingers up each others’ man-holes. It was just the done thing at the time and so what if I have to wear ManPampers nowadays? I’m loaded aren’t I?”

Jagger did not confirm whether or not he intended to sue Ms Hall for impugning his hard-fought reputation as a thoroughly grubby, debased sexual pervert for our time as he is still in discussions with his legal team, Cuthbert, Dibble & Grub.

We asked top London barrister, Mr Percy Oswestry QC, for his views on the potential court case. He told us that he thought it “unlikely” under the British legal system that a case would be brought to court concerning a matter so “fundamentally unsound”.

Mr Oswestry also informed us that he once “inserted a Toffee Crisp bar into Michael Parkinson’s botty” but had to run away when it started melting.

Our New Blog

Well, we've been at this blog lark on and off for around 8 months now and its been enjoyable. Myself, Greg and Dave have been writing comedy scripts for a number of years and we have now set up a new blog where we will be presenting our sketches. If you enjoy comedy, check out our new blog and give us some feedback. You can find our new blog at http://comedyscripts.blogspot.com/

Cheers

MJ

Oooh La La! ‘Gay’ Paris Set For Jailhouse Skin Flick

Celebrity heiress Paris Hilton now looks certain be sent to be sent to prison next month after her appeal was thrown out today.

In a decision that is bound to horrify the emaciated trollop, California District Judge Dick Nasty ruled that there were no legal grounds to appeal a jail sentence based simply on the basis that the guilty party didn’t really want to go.

He also disregarded the online petition set up by Miss Hilton’s friends and acolytes as irrelevant, saying

“Just because 20,000 simpletons somehow manage to type their names on a pathetic and frankly illiterate plea for mercy on behalf of a convicted criminal, it matters not a jot to me. I have already gone to substantial expense setting up special spy cameras throughout the KD Lang Memorial Detention Center and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to return on my investment!”

With her appeal now failed, Miss Hilton is due to begin her sentence on 5th June and we can reveal that her fellow prisoners are eagerly awaiting her entrance. There is palpable excitement within the prison that anyone fortunate enough to bag themselves a bit of enforced lesbianism with Hilton, on hidden camera of course, will inevitably attain fame and notoriety of their own.

Our pornography correspondent, Tom Hank, believes there is already a fierce bidding war taking place between the adult movie world’s most powerful players for the exclusive rights to the as-yet unmade feature. The un-named smut-merchants who are offering in excess of $10 million for the 'banged up' girl-on-girl filth are thought to be Terry "The Assman" Lawson and Spank Productions overlord John Leslie.

One thing we do know for sure is that Miss Hilton looks certain to increase her already obscene personal fortune when the movie is finally “accidentally” released later next month.

Hugh Bully! Actor Grant Accused Of Being a Bean Turd

Actor Hugh Grant has been arrested over an allegation of assault with a deadly weapon after battering a photographer with a tin of baked beans.

Snapper Ian Watkins told the Daily Jugs newspaper he was kicked in the groin before the vicious attack with the beans.

Apparently Grant was enraged that the paparazzo had been standing around taking photographs of his own genitalia instead of capturing “action shots” of Mr Grant leaving his agent’s office in Mayfair.

Grant, 46, demanded that Mr Watkins “put that thing away” and “do your job, please, if err, it wouldn’t , you know, err be too much trouble, err, err”

The terrifying ordeal was witnessed by a local shopkeeper, Beverley Allitt, who said that Grant was clearly provoked by the snapper who wittily told Mr Grant to “clear off back to Notting Hill, actor boy”. Grant took a moment to fully absorb the cruel and hateful barb, before running straight at the pap and delivering a massive boot to his testicular area.

Sensing that this was clearly insufficient punishment for such a disgraceful verbal offensive, Hugh Grant then went into his suit jacket pocket and pulled out a tin of Heinz beans. Grant then proceed to smash the snapper’s head in with the beans, raining down blows and only pausing briefly when the tin burst open, to greedily gobble up the split baked bean goodness that only Heinz can deliver.

Eventually, with his blood-lust craved by the astonishing rampage, Grant is believed to have taunted his alleged victim with a tin of All-day Breakfast saying that he was “a no-mark” and that he “would never make it in life to enjoy gourmet treats such as tinned eggs, bacon, beans and sausages made out of chicken.” After devouring the whole tin without cutlery (eyewitnesses stated that the actor used his improvisation skills and used the chicken-sausages as a knife and fork) Grant left the scene and did not re-emerge until his arrest yesterday.

We asked the amiable comedians and co-hosts of the Friday Night Project, Justin Lee Collins and Alan Carr, to sum up the effect this might have on Hugh Grant’s career. And to end the piece with a few fairly inoffensive puns, obviously. Justin said:

“The Grant, he does love his Heinz doesn’t he? Well he’s gonna be looking forward to receiving 57 varieties of bum rape if he gets sent down for this!”

Alan ooh-erred “And the next sausages he’ll be eating, won’t be made out of chicken either.”

Justin retorted “No Al, they’ll be cocks.”

Napkin-Sleeve Crow In Skiddy Knickers Shocker

Singer Sheryl Crow has said a ban on using too much toilet paper should be introduced to help the environment.

When asked how much was too much Crow responded with the astonishing suggestion that any more than “one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required".

The 45-year-old, who originally made the comments on her website, has just toured the US on a biodiesel-powered bus to raise awareness about climate change.

She teamed up with environmental activist and wife of comedy genius Larry David with the disturbingly-familiar sounding name, Laurie David, for the shows. The pair targeted 11 university campuses to persuade students to help combat the world's environmental problems.

Our reporter quizzed Crow on what she meant by a “pesky occasion” to which she replied “you know, plop-plops, making big toilet?” The lavatory correspondent of a downmarket tabloid newspaper asked Crow to confirm if by this she meant “having a shite” but the singer was unwilling to confirm this.

Crow defended her crackpot scheme against claims that it was unworkable and, well, a crackpot scheme by saying that two to three sheets was a luxury to anyone in the Armed Forces, who, apparently, only get one sheet each and have to wrap it around their index finger, only to then stick said finger up their fundaments to carefully extract the faeces from the anus.

Crow said it was a straight choice for us all to make “We can either all get used to having a bit of ass stuck under our fingernails or drown to death in a global warming tidal wave or something”.

Crow's environmental opinions are not limited to toilet paper. She also believes paper napkins "represent the height of wastefulness". So she has therefore designed a clothing line which features a detachable "dining sleeve" that wearers can use to wipe their mouth while eating. Her plans for environmentally-friendly tampons made of dog’s tails are, according to the singer, still in development.