Soap Character Makes Unwise Decision

Shock news has reached us of a potentially-disastrous development for a character in a major British soap opera.

The character, who cannot be named for legal reasons, is believed to have made a rash decision which could have terrible repercussions on their business and possibly even their marriage.

It is unclear at present as to why the protagonist would behave in such an unexpectedly cavalier manner. However, internet chatrooms have been all aflutter with conjecture and half-baked rumour-mongering. The most plausible theory being that the character’s behaviour-patterns have been sent off-kilter by the recent arrival in the village (or town, street or square) of the human baby they didn’t know they had.

Whether or not the mistake can be rectified before numerous lives are ruined, only time will tell.

Meanwhile, a married man and an engaged-to-be-married woman are having an affair, causing her to have grave doubts about going through with her impending nuptials. To the man’s best friend!

New Tory Outrage Over ‘Sick’ TV Show

Conservative lobbyists have called for a new late-night digital television programme to be banned before it airs tonight. The show, ‘Danger Wanks’, is to be broadcast on recently-established digital channel Bongo TV.

Preview tapes of ‘Danger Wanks’ have been widely distributed to the media in a blitzkrieg publicity campaign by the channel in an attempt to whip up a storm of controversy.

The blurb suggests that the show contains moderately-pornographic images of naked women exploring their bodies for approximately two minutes at a time. Spliced footage of incongruous topics is then edited in.

We asked Jack Der Ripper, creative director of Bongo TV to explain the point of this bizarre televisual experiment.

“Well it’s called Danger Wanks, because we show the good stuff like naked ladies soaping themselves up to encourage our male viewers to wank themselves off. But there’s a twist.

After exactly two minutes and fourteen seconds of each porno scene (which scientists have discovered is the exact amount of time it takes to get to the vinegar strokes while knocking one out when hunched over the TV screen) we cut away to an image designed to disturb you as you reach climax. That’s the challenge. Can you toss against the clock or will you face the danger of blurting your load over a deeply inappropriate piece of film that could psychologically scar you for life?”

In tonight’s pilot episode, we have been promised footage of a beautiful Latvian woman indulging a bit of nude car washing to get you up the runway, which is then replaced after the standard two minutes and fourteen seconds, with film of Michael Parkinson spitting on a hen.

Prominent Tory and Mary Whitehouse-devotee Geoffrey Preen of the perpetually outraged Scaremongerers Group is leading the charge to have the show pulled from the schedules after witnessing first-hand the damage that can be inflicted.

“I attended a public screening of this despicable programme at the Roxy in Soho last week and I could barely believe what I was witnessing.

One minute I’m happily ensconced in the back row, vigorously tugging away at my proud member of parliament while ogling a lovely young thing on the big screen. When, suddenly and without any warning, I end up spilling my hot porridge oats all over my lap to shots of Inch High Private Eye. You know, the cartoon private eye who is only an inch high. Needless to say, I am now a paedophile.”

If you’re brave enough, 'Danger Wanks' is on Bongo TV at 11.30 tonight. Why not give it a look? And be sure to let us know if you have been mentally or emotionally affected by it. Especially if you develop a kinky fetish for poultry-abuse as we happen to have a few chickens in a field that we might let you borrow for a reasonable price. Just think about it anyway yeah?

Jim Davidson : An Apology

You may have noticed in our Hell’s Kitchen special report last week, that we described ‘nick nick’ comic Jim Davidson as “a racist”.

We now accept that this is inaccurate. He is also a misogynist. Oh and a homophobe. And a bitter, twisted, self-pitying, bullying, Sun-reading, shit snooker quiz-presenting, bankrupt, lifeboat-obsessed, suit-wearing, washed-up, snivelling, rodent-faced, carrot-topped, four-eyed fuck. And he badly wanted to bum Marco Pierre White. So who's the 'shirt-lifter' now eh?

Once again, Jim, we’re sorry. Hope this sets the record straight.

Did Rival Take a Potts Shot at Pavarotti?

Worrying news has reached us this afternoon that Italian police have received an anonymous tip indicating that the death of opera-legend Luciano Pavorotti may not have been due to natural causes.

It is believed that the Carabinieri have now received four telephone calls, each one from a different informant. All however, sang their information in similarly irritating opera-lite style in upper-middle class English accents. A bit like Tim Henman apparently. But not actually him. He’s got an alibi apparently. He was otherwise engaged telephonically-speaking, as he was wanking over popular sexline 0891 Jizz In My Face You Tiger.

Our source in the Modena Police Department informed us that in all calls, the same name was revealed as a suspect for the potential murder of Signor Pavarotti. That man was none other than Britain’s Got Talent winner, Paul Potts. The callers are alleging that the Elizabeth Duke operatic-style warbler has become so hungry for success that he would stop at nothing to ensure his recognition as the finest singer in the World. And if that meant undertaking a covert and highly-implausible scheme to murder his hero, then that was the price he was willing to pay.

It is not thought that Paul Potts’ mentor, lego-haired music mogul Simon Cowell, had any knowledge of this plan according to the secret informants. Although they did comment that Cowell was “a flipping rotter for letting that grinning Jewish oaf Steve Brookstein beat them in the final of X-Factor 1” before panicking and slamming the phone down immediately.

We tracked down Paul Potts this afternoon, hiding out in his modest North Wales home. We attempted to ask him if he had any comment to make about these scurrilous allegations but he could only stand on his front step and sing “Donna e mobile” (that’s Paolo Di Canio to you, football fans) to our reporter. But instead of singing the actual words, he belted out “Fuck off you piece of shit, G4 are fucking dead.” Make of that what you will friends.

Fresh Fakes For Sale in Hell's Kitchen

ITV are today facing up to a new faking scandal as reports surface that things on their new reality show Hell’s Kitchen, are not quite what they seem.

We have come into possession of a dossier that clearly proves this programme is a big fat phoney.

The first incident of clear misrepresentation occurred in their promotional literature, where racist Ian Beale-doppelganger, Jim Davidson, was described as “a comedian”. This claim alone would be enough to sink the production’s credibility, seeing as how it has been a matter of public record that the weasel-faced, ginger, bigoted talent-void has never said or done, either accidentally or purposefully, anything funny in his shameful waste of a life.

The misleading of the public continues apace. Likeable Big Brother 2 winner Brian Dowling was billed as a “television presenter”. However, when we conducted a straw poll on the streets of London this morning, no-one from a hundred people asked, could name any programme Mr Dowling has ever presented. (Although, our legal team have asked us to point out the fact that this does not technically constitute proof in a court of law. Well that, and the fact that the only people we could find who would speak to us were tramps, who we plied with Tesco Value lager, and who, unsurprisingly, did not seem to own even one television set amongst them. )

Once you add to these TV crimes (see what we did there?) the revelation that Hell’s Kitchen itself is not even a restaurant but is in fact a temporary television studio done out to be like a restaurant then it is clear that the viewing populace is being defrauded on a massive scale.

We contacted ITV chiefs with our evidence this morning and asked them if they had anything to say on the matter. Shamefully, they dismissed our bombshell claims as “the worst kind of cock” and pointed out the sheer pointlessness of a made-up news-reporting website pretending to be in possession of bogus allegations of imaginary fakery. But then again, they would say that wouldn’t they?