Napkin-Sleeve Crow In Skiddy Knickers Shocker

Singer Sheryl Crow has said a ban on using too much toilet paper should be introduced to help the environment.

When asked how much was too much Crow responded with the astonishing suggestion that any more than “one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required".

The 45-year-old, who originally made the comments on her website, has just toured the US on a biodiesel-powered bus to raise awareness about climate change.

She teamed up with environmental activist and wife of comedy genius Larry David with the disturbingly-familiar sounding name, Laurie David, for the shows. The pair targeted 11 university campuses to persuade students to help combat the world's environmental problems.

Our reporter quizzed Crow on what she meant by a “pesky occasion” to which she replied “you know, plop-plops, making big toilet?” The lavatory correspondent of a downmarket tabloid newspaper asked Crow to confirm if by this she meant “having a shite” but the singer was unwilling to confirm this.

Crow defended her crackpot scheme against claims that it was unworkable and, well, a crackpot scheme by saying that two to three sheets was a luxury to anyone in the Armed Forces, who, apparently, only get one sheet each and have to wrap it around their index finger, only to then stick said finger up their fundaments to carefully extract the faeces from the anus.

Crow said it was a straight choice for us all to make “We can either all get used to having a bit of ass stuck under our fingernails or drown to death in a global warming tidal wave or something”.

Crow's environmental opinions are not limited to toilet paper. She also believes paper napkins "represent the height of wastefulness". So she has therefore designed a clothing line which features a detachable "dining sleeve" that wearers can use to wipe their mouth while eating. Her plans for environmentally-friendly tampons made of dog’s tails are, according to the singer, still in development.

Corrections

In our TV Crimes feature, below, we said that Gordon Brown received the postcard addressed simply to "Scottish C**t". We now understand that this was not the case and would like to sincerely apologise to Mr Brown and his family for any distress caused. The postcard in question was actually correctly delivered to Nicky Campbell.

In our article dated 23 April 2007, we used the banner headline : Sir Elton goes cottaging in Cotswolds. We would like to apologise for this error to both Elton and his lover David Furnish for the stress this may have caused. We meant to say “in men's toilets” not “the Cotswolds”.

From our article "Snooker Loopy" of 18th April, we would like to point out that David Vine is a snooker commentator and not, as we said, a rapist.

In our article about the upcoming Budget, dated 15th March, the sub-headline "Madonna is a toothless crack whore" should have read "Interest rate rises hit the poor".

In our article entitled "Lionel Blair Swallows Seamen In Pool Side Incident" we wish to point out that this headline gives the wrong message to Lionel's fan, Mrs Nugget in Battersea. We, of course, meant that he eats cock whilst on holiday, and not miniature toy marines discarded by children.

The capital of Ecuador is, of course, Quito and not, as we stated in our dangerous dogs feature (2nd April), "Jonathan King's Hard Drive".

And finally, in our exclusive interview with Leslie Grantham, in the last line, it should have read "telephone sex lines" and not, as was printed, "Moira Stewart".

Val Takes The Rap For College Tragedy

It emerged last night that there were sinister forces behind the tragic and senseless massacre at Braintree Technical College, Essex, earlier this week.

In echoes of the Porcupine High School shootings a few years ago when it was believed that the gunmen were influenced to act by their choice of so-called music. News-fans may recall that shock-rocker Marliyn Manson was heavily implicated for supposedly warping the minds of the children with his tuneless pretend heavy-metal.

We can sensationally reveal that this week’s evil killer, Max Von Beann, is also now thought to have turned to violence after being brought up on a daily diet of the seemingly-inoffensive Irish crooner Val Doonican. FBI psych-profilers have pinpointed the music of Doonican, 78, as the major factor contributing to what they have called “the madness” of Max. A senior agent, who wished to remain anonymous, confirmed that listening to one Doonican song in particular, “Paddy McGinty’s Goat”, would be more than sufficient to turn an otherwise law-abiding citizen into a psychotic mass-murderer. When asked how they could possibly prove this the agent said “It just does, cos I said so. Alright?”

Our reporter, Colin Stagg, contacted top music expert and TV nostalgia list show’s second most prolific participant, Paul Morley, to try and verify the FBI’s claims.

Mr Morley said “Oh God yeah, that makes perfect sense to me. Have you ever heard Paddy McGinty’s Goat? Jesus Jones, what sort of sick bastard could possibly dream up something so truly terrifying? I can tell you this much, if anyone locked me up and forced me to listen to Val Doonican, within half an hour I’d be looking to slay at least a thousand fuckers before inevitably turning the gun on myself and firing a high calibre bullet into my own head at point-blank range. Now where's my gun and how do I get to Hungerford?"

Val Doonican was alas unavailable for comment last night but his agent, did happen to mention that Val would be available for this year’s Glastonbury Festival and that he was “very excited” at the prospect of recording a duet with bad-boy rapper Snoop “Doggy” Dogg (providing he hasn’t died by then, or been forced to leave the country by the inevitable hate campaign by certain middle-class, simple-minded, scare-mongering, foreigner-hating newspapers).

‘Panty Boy’ Proves Critics Wrong

X-Factor loser Ray Quinn is sitting on top of the world after playing to a sold-out audience in his native Liverpool in the final leg of his nationwide tour. And, to put the icing on what is already proving to be a nausea-inducing sickly sweet shitcake, his debut album has recently soared to the top of the album charts.

It only seems like months ago that the “Cheeky Scouser” (TM: all Southern-based tabloid newspapers) was the bookies’ favourite for early elimination from the smash-hit talent show, after incurring the wrath of celebrity judge Sharon Osborne. Showbiz survivor Sharon, 39, had slammed the midget warbler as only being fit for pantomime.

However, Ray now looks to have had the last laugh with his astonishing success and he was in no mood for graciousness towards his earlier critics. He said yesterday

“Well Sharon, what do you think of me now eh you slag? Ha ha I was right and you were wrong! But seriously, how dare she go on national television and call me a panty boy in front of the whole nation? I mean, what’s the big deal if I do like to parade around with women’s knickers stapled to my face in the privacy of my home? We all need to relax after all. I just don’t know how she could have found about it.”

When our interviewer pointed out to Ray that what Sharon had actually called him was Panto Boy, as in Pantomime, as in you're only fit for Pantomime dickhead, he responded “Oh shite.”