It emerged last night that there were sinister forces behind the tragic and senseless massacre at Braintree Technical College, Essex, earlier this week.
In echoes of the Porcupine High School shootings a few years ago when it was believed that the gunmen were influenced to act by their choice of so-called music. News-fans may recall that shock-rocker Marliyn Manson was heavily implicated for supposedly warping the minds of the children with his tuneless pretend heavy-metal.
In echoes of the Porcupine High School shootings a few years ago when it was believed that the gunmen were influenced to act by their choice of so-called music. News-fans may recall that shock-rocker Marliyn Manson was heavily implicated for supposedly warping the minds of the children with his tuneless pretend heavy-metal.
We can sensationally reveal that this week’s evil killer, Max Von Beann, is also now thought to have turned to violence after being brought up on a daily diet of the seemingly-inoffensive Irish crooner Val Doonican. FBI psych-profilers have pinpointed the music of Doonican, 78, as the major factor contributing to what they have called “the madness” of Max. A senior agent, who wished to remain anonymous, confirmed that listening to one Doonican song in particular, “Paddy McGinty’s Goat”, would be more than sufficient to turn an otherwise law-abiding citizen into a psychotic mass-murderer. When asked how they could possibly prove this the agent said “It just does, cos I said so. Alright?”
Our reporter, Colin Stagg, contacted top music expert and TV nostalgia list show’s second most prolific participant, Paul Morley, to try and verify the FBI’s claims.
Mr Morley said “Oh God yeah, that makes perfect sense to me. Have you ever heard Paddy McGinty’s Goat? Jesus Jones, what sort of sick bastard could possibly dream up something so truly terrifying? I can tell you this much, if anyone locked me up and forced me to listen to Val Doonican, within half an hour I’d be looking to slay at least a thousand fuckers before inevitably turning the gun on myself and firing a high calibre bullet into my own head at point-blank range. Now where's my gun and how do I get to Hungerford?"
Val Doonican was alas unavailable for comment last night but his agent, did happen to mention that Val would be available for this year’s Glastonbury Festival and that he was “very excited” at the prospect of recording a duet with bad-boy rapper Snoop “Doggy” Dogg (providing he hasn’t died by then, or been forced to leave the country by the inevitable hate campaign by certain middle-class, simple-minded, scare-mongering, foreigner-hating newspapers).
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