Man Speechless After Pub Raid

A 65 year old man was left speechless on Monday, after a thug stole his voice at knifepoint.
The un-named man called Barry, who uses an electronic device to talk, had his machine snatched away from him during an armed robbery in a Wirral bar.

The robbery occurred at around 1.30 a.m., as the man was locking up the pub at which he works in Prenton. A man wearing a ski-mask and holding a knife burst into the bar and threatened the worker. Police have confirmed that the thief was not wearing skis on his feet as originally reported by a rival newspaper.

Holding him at knifepoint, he first insisted that the man empty the till, and then demanded to be taken to the safe. When the bar man asked the thief if he had a ski pass he was hit with an avalanche of abuse.

As a parting gesture, after ransacking both the cash register and the safe – stealing around £800 in the process – the thief also grabbed the man's electronic speaking device and pocketed it, before running off into the night. The bar man was left speechless after the incident, which is understandable giving the circumstances.

A witness who did not wish to be named, who saw the thief’s escape was able to confirm some details to us.

“I was walking home at about 1.25am after being to my local Boot Scoot Club for a night of line dancing. I was walking passed my local pub balancing my kebab in one hand whilst fumbling in my pocket for my keys.”

The witness did not confirm if he had chilli sauce on his kebab or not.

“I was no more than one hundred yards away when I could hear a disturbance behind me. To my shock, as I turned in the direction of the pub I could see a man of about average height wearing black clothing and a ski mask on his head. I watched as he burst out of the pub door and ran at some great speed down the road towards a car. He was shouting in a strange Dalek type of voice back towards the pub. I could distinctly hear him shout See you later granddad and Exterminate, exterminate, I am a Dalek. Before he entered the car and drove away at some speed. I was that shocked I almost spilt my kebab on the floor. I rushed to the pub to see Barry one of the staff stagger out into the street. I asked him what had happened but he was unable to tell me as his voice had been stolen, what a swine. A police car pulled up outside the pub about thirty minutes later I gave a statement and was allowed home.”

Police have not issued a description of the voice box in question but we believe it has no resemblance to a Dalek at all. A few days after the incident another man claimed he too had had his voice stolen in a separate incident. However, it has now been dismissed as an unconnected incident as it has been established that the person had merely caught a cold.

Double Amputee in High Speed Chase

A double amputee has been jailed after leading police on a high speed chase.

Ivor Legoff, 51, used modified broom handles on the peddles and was chased over 3000 miles at speeds of over 275 miles an hour!!

Traffic cop Ima Bhadriva told the court that Mr Legoff was seen driving his Ford Probe erratically and was asked to pull over but refused and sped off. The chase only ended after Mr Legoff lost control and the probe entered an overgrown bush.

Mr Legoff was asked by Officer Bhadriva whether he had been drinking, to which he replied "Can't you see I'm legless!!".

Two other amputees where in the vehicle at the time and both tried to stop Mr Legoff. Billy Noarms, 33, and Justha Tourso, 42, where thrown around in the back of the vehicle during the accident, but received no serious injuries.

In sentencing, Judge Sendijm Downe told Mr Legoff "Using brooms to control your vehicle could have caused harm to both yourself and innocent bystanders, a brick wedged with a block of wood would have been much better...and safer".

In addition to the 12 month sentence, Judge Downe banned Mr Legoff from driving "Until your legs grow back..."

Ding Dong Smell

As Christmas approaches bad news has hit Berlin. The city has been struck by a severe Santa drought that is causing major concern to Berliners.

The Santa’s R Us agency that supplies Santa’s to families in the city warned today that they had less than a third of the Santa’s that would be required to meet the city's Santa needs. Adolph Heinz, Ober-Weinachtsmann (chief Santa Claus) of the Santa’s R Us agency, said:
'We need at least 300 Santa’s to meet the demand but we only have about 100 signed up so far. I blame the recent clampdown on paedophiles that has hit the country. I am afraid a lot of them have gone underground for fear of reprisals. The Government is wrong to persecute people in this way.'

We explained to Mr Heinz that the safety of young children is paramount and surely an agency like his should understand the damage these people could cause children through their vile deeds.

"Children, who cares about the children I am thinking of the profit. At this rate I will be out of pocket by a great many thousand Euros. The Government wants to start caring about businessmen like me and sod the children."

Each Santa will visit, on average, around a dozen families, bringing seasonal good cheer, presents and a 15% cut of their fees to the agency.

'In a lot of families in Berlin it's a tradition that carries on even after the children grow older and stop believing,' Heinz said, this shortfall is damaging business.
Any Berliners who fancy earning some money, or who just really like the colour red, are advised to contact Mr Heinz. 'I prefer chubby men, of course, ideally with a real beard plus a great set of buns but as for the Santa’s we're not picky and take what we get. However, we have had to turn away a large amount of tramps who have applied for the post' he notes.

When we asked Mr Heinz why so many have been turned away when there is a shortfall in Santa’s he replied, "The thing is they stink and I just don’t like my Santa’s to smell. God knows what their sacks smell of, the state some of them have been in. In my view they should all be put in a camp somewhere and made to work for as pittance until they die."

The search for Santa’s in Berlin continues however, Mr Heinz is not optimistic.

Yesterday’s Knews Book Review.

This weeks Top 10 of Books.

1.Moby Dick- The John Holmes Story- an Auto-Biographical look at the Adult star in this full exposure.

2. Schindlers List- Just what did Her Schindler buy from the ALDI store between 1943-1944.

3. Voyage Of The Dawn Trader- CS Lewis’ Diary of a Lady of the Night.

4. OF Mice And Men- Kafka's homage to Steinbeck’s novel with a twist as a man develops female reproductive organs and has to find a 24 hour chemist before it’s too late.

5. To Kill A Mockingbird- How to kill birds and other livestock for pleasure.

6. The Diary Of Adrian Mole- An insight into what it is like to be a mole living through crop rotation during a year at a typical British farm.

7. From Here To Eternity – ZaZa Gabor on her worst marriages and celebratory divorces.

8. Tinker Taylor Soldier Spy- This brutal and frank description of trying to find a job in1950’s Britain when you are Gay.

9. Fiddler On The Roof - Convicted paedophile’s roof top protest how it was allowed to happen. One mans searching indictment of the modern prison system.

10. Fanny By Gaslight- This warm endearing book on one woman’s search for enlightenment through the underground sexual revolution of the Edwardian period.

Ginger Storm Trooper Nazi Cringer

A shop owner in Hackensack, New Jersey has been asked to remove the contents of his shop window after complaints from local residents about its contents. The offending contents of the shop window were storm trooping gingerbread men. The local police chief has confirmed that complaints have been received due to the little ginger Nazis.

The owner of the shop Klaus Barbie was shocked to find the little goose-stepping treats were hard to swallow by the local residents. We spoke to the shop owner for a response. “Mien Gott has the world gone mad? They are only little baby gingerbread men what is wrong with that? Has this great country suddenly gone anti-ginger all of a sudden? I see no reason why there has been such a fuss about the whole matter.”

We were allowed to view the alleged offensive gingerbread men under police supervision in the back of the shop. This was only after exhaustive meetings with the mayor’s office and city police representatives. Unfortunately we were not allowed to take any pictures of the storm trooping Nazi gingerbread men so we have had an artist draft a picture of what one of the offending men would have looked like.

It is understandable why the local authorities felt that the fascistic gingerbread men crossed a line after people started complaining.

The gingerbread men were created by local artist Adolphus Smits, who has displayed his works in Barbie's store window before. Barbie said of Smits' goose-stepping little treats: 'He's gone way overboard at times. A few of his other displays were on the edge, but I would never say they were offensive.'

The ruckus over the gingerbread Nazis might not be entirely unexpected given Smits's 'on the edge' display from last year – featuring a little boy using his new chemistry set to manufacture crystal meth, and a snowman beating up carol singers and urinating over their open mouths whilst using his carrot in a strange manner.

Smits defended his work, saying: 'I can differentiate between real Nazis and that the atrocities they performed compared to these little gingerbread men, but I guess some people can't.'
'Maybe I just find beauty in bizarre places,' he added, ruefully.

Fans of Smits art will be pleased to know that one element of his work currently remains in place – a young Jesus pulling the wings off an angel.

In next weeks Weekend Magazine:
Tom Hanks: Why I hate being a Cockney Rhyming Slang.
We name and shame the group of MP’s who took the goods and refused to pay up. Read all about it in our rent boy special.
Hollywood’s current craze hits Britain. We report on the recent trend for stars who have their foreskin sewn back on. in our exclusive, Foreskin Hell by Graham Norton.
One finger or two we ask our finger licking celebrities do they prefer one finger or two in our special report. Michael Barrymore and Dale Winton go finger crazy over the new three finger special edition "Fistlove"

Penguin Beat Bond at US cinema

Actor Daniel Craig denied that a small penguin wupped his Lillie white a$s in America this week. "Listen you smuck I’m James Bond and no stupid fool of a penguin is going to take me out." The actor retorted.

We were standing outside his Hollywood hotel when the actor’s chauffer driven limousine pulled up. Mr Craig looking less than happy with himself glared into our camera as we bombarded him with questions. The news had just hit the headlines that Bond had been flipper slapped by a bunch of girly penguins.

"This is a total fabrication by the media in Hollywood due to the fact that on the opening day our movie didn’t make as much as their movie. I wasn’t even in the North Hollywood Cinemaplex on the alleged day. I don’t know where these rumours come from. Do I look like a man who would be flipper slapped by a freaky animal? It stinks of fish for god’s sake."

We left Mr Craig fuming on the roadside as we left in pursuit of the now famous penguin Mumbles.

We found the happy penguin in a local 7-11 picking up the groceries for the week. He was immaculately dressed in an Armani suit. A slight graze could visibly be seen above his left eye.
When we asked for his comments on the events aired in the local press he replied, "Look don’t get me wrong I can understand why someone supposedly brave, strong and ultra macho as Mr Bond wants to deny what happened. Look at me do I look like the kind of penguin who would make these things up?" Mumbles flashed us one of his famous smiles as he tap danced down the isles of the 7-11.

"I think he needs to wake up and smell the coffee, there is a new all action hero in town and he knows it. He’ll be smelling fish on his kipper for weeks. I slugged him that hard he needed emergency dentistry by all accounts."

We could not get any confirmation of this from Mr Craig’s representatives.

"I was minding my own business in the Floozy Woozy Bar on 8th and 2nd Street when this supposedly professional actor bumped into me spilling my Dakari out of my hand. I asked the smuck to apologise but he merely gave a stupid grin and carried on walking towards the exit door. I weighed up the options and thought why not, I can take him. He walked into the local cinemaplex and headed for the toilets. I followed him and walked into the toilets just as he was washing his hands at the sink. We didn’t speak but I had to do something so I peed all over his nice leather shoes. He tried to bend down and pick me up and that’s when I pistol whipped him with my right flipper. Whamo Slamo he went down like a bag of $hite. As he was on the floor I looked down at him and remember shouting- I’m the daddy now. I left the bozo counting birdies and stars."

No confirmation has been made with regards to a re-match fight taking place when their new movies come out next Fall

Police Try To Stifle Toilet Terrorists War Of Turds

The Avon and Somerset Police are investigating a spate of violent toilet related incidents in and around the Bath area. A number of attacks have been made of a toilet kind at certain toilet facilities in the area. Police have unfortunately been combing the area for clues to the culprit's identity.

Chief Inspector Colin Faggot confirmed today at a hastily arranged conference, “This person or thing concerned has to be caught no matter what. The amount of damage that has been caused so far is astronomical to say the least. We have been studying the evidence very closely but to date we have not had a breakthrough yet. Our top forensic officers have picked through the evidence but to no avail. The toilets near the Avon Street Coach Park has been the straw that broke the camel's back I am afraid. Before anyone asks, no we do not have a camel within the Avon and Somerset Constabulary. The utter wilful damage to those toilets has been shocking indeed. I have seen some sights in my 20 year career within the police force but this makes the others pale into insignificance.”

We have been informed that for a period of four months someone or some thing has been defecating all over the public toilets in and around the bath area. It has caused hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of damage to the property. Some attendants have been hospitalised due to the distressing scenes found within these premises.

Funding to install blue lighting in ten of Bath’s public toilets had been secured by Bath & North East Somerset’s Community Safety Partnership – which includes Avon and Somerset Police and the Council.

Blue lighting has proved to be an effective way to prevent drug addicts using public toilets to inject drugs as it makes it extremely difficult for them to see their veins. But the Avon and Somerset Police and Council had no warning of what would happen next.

Cllr Frost confirmed, “The toilets and wash basin areas were smeared with human excrement. The smell was so abhorrent that a public health warning had to be issued due to the severity of the rotten smell emitting from the targeted premises. Each toilet was left unflushed and filled to the brim with the liquidised foul rotten excreta. If anyone has any information we can follow through on we would be most grateful. You can contact the Avon and Somerset Police on their hotline on the usual number. A fund had been set up to help with the costs of the damage. Any small deposit the public wish to leave to help in the restoration of the targeted amenities will be welcome. With the help from the general public the Police are hoping to have something more solid to go on soon.”

Birdwatchers Twitch at Swallow In Bits

Birdwatchers rushed to see a wild bird that hasn’t been seen in Britain for over 20 years. The sighting took place near Stockport, Greater Manchester. The Twitchers, (people who stalk birds) as they are called, had been watching and twitching at the greater yellow rumped swallow for 20 minutes when all hell broke out at the scene.
“I was watching the graceful little swallow through my specialist all terrain combat binoculars when the swallow landed on a TV aerial of a council house. All of a sudden this little bleeder of a sparrow hawk came out of nowhere, swooped down and ate the Yellow Rumped Swallow right in front of our eyes.” Group member Mike Sprigget confirmed.

“We were horrified. We had only telephoned other enthusiasts to come and see the swallow, and then had to call them back to say it had been eaten by an f’n sparrow hawk. It’s terrible the amount of money wasted on phone calls just because of some lazy b’stard sparrow hawk who couldn’t be arsed to go and get his food somewhere else.” Andy Green, fellow twitcher stated at the scene.

The yellow rumped swallow isn’t normally seen any further than North America.

An RSPCA spokesman added: “Sadly it’s just one of those things. Last week we had a call about a Gorilla who dressed up as a New York policeman and was found trying to bum a George Michael look-a-like on Hampstead Heath, these things happen.”

When we asked the group of twitchers what happened immediately after the attack Mike Sprigget replied, “We killed the little toe rag didn’t we, after all who was going to pay our mobile phone bills. I have his head on a biro pen in my car if you want to see it?” We declined his offer and reported him to the Bill Oddie Foundation for cruelty to endangered birds.

Jail Birds Demand A Bit Of Hot Meat In Prison

The country has gone mad yet again in the build up to Christmas this year. A group of prisoners have successfully argued that the government shouldn’t have allowed its prisoners to suffer cold-turkey treatment when they should have been allowed to eat warm turkey for their festive meal.

The group calling itself the seasonal six have been informed that they have a case. The prisoners are poised to win undisclosed pay-outs after suing the Home Office because they were forced to eat cold meat last Christmas it was revealed.

Meat charity CarnivorScope said the group of six inmates were on the verge of settling out of court with the prison service.

The case – alleging the “cold turkey” treatment they were forced to undergo amounted to assault – was scheduled to start at the High Court.

The size of the payouts under discussion has not been revealed. But the compensation levels are due to be finalised on Tuesday or Wednesday, legal sources said.
High Court judge Mr Justice Beef-Wellington gave the go-ahead in May for a full hearing of the case. When finally resolved this week, the compensation by the Prison Service – may be potentially running into tens of thousands of pounds of warm fine choice cuts of meat.
Mr Justice Beef-Wellington said in May: "All claim that their treatment was handled inappropriately and so they suffered injuries and had difficulties with their withdrawal."
Barrister for the claimants Arthur Nutcuttlet told the court at the time: "Many of the prisoners were receiving warm chicken or beef before they entered prison and were upset at the short period of treatment using opiates they encountered in jail. The cold ham and spam were particularly hated by the inmates. The incident on Christmas day was a fridge cooled meat too far. Imposing the short, sharp detoxification is the issue."
The prisoners were bringing the action based on trespass, because they say they did not consent to the treatment, and for alleged clinical negligence.
They also claimed human rights breaches under Articles 3 and 14 of the European Convention on Human Rights, which ban discrimination, torture or inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment and Article 8, which enshrines the right to respect for private life.
A Home Office spokeswoman said: "It would be inappropriate to comment because the litigation is still ongoing. I must add however that it is the first time a prisoner at this prison has complained about being forced a bit of meat. Some of the prisoners on “B” Wing can’t get enough of it."
We have however, managed to get a statement from one of the prisoners via secret communication at the prison. Basher Bates who has only recently been imprisoned for life for killing a man with his bare hands, confirmed, “It is deeply regretted that the situation has gone this far. We just couldn’t live without our warm meat its bad enough we have to spend our lives in small confined cells but this was too much. No human should be allowed to go through this type of treatment again, we are not criminals we are the victims in all of this. Some of the lads have had to resort to getting a bit of hot meat in the shower room.” We must state that the term getting a bit of hot meat in this case refers to the act of placing cold cuts of meat on the steam pipe and letting the steam heat it up. The case continues.

Coming Soon In Our New "Weekender" Magazine!

How Elton Got his Boyfriend To Blow His Wad in Harrods Shopping Bender.

Sadam: Have I Got Noose For You - I Will Not Go Down For A Long Stretch.

Barrymore Denies Glory Hole Moment In £1.99 Kids Paddling Pool.

George Bush: Why I Like To Spank The Monkey Everyday!

Dogs Anus Centre of Jesus Probe

We have had a report of the latest in a long line of miraculous apparitions of the image of Our Lord. After Jesus has been recently spotted appearing in spilled hot chocolate, dental x-rays, shrimp and a Tampax, a reader sends us evidence that He has appeared on the bottom of a dog.
The dog's name is Crawford MacDougall, and he is a very cute three-year-old terrier mix. The image of Jesus can be clearly seen in the fur surrounding his @nus.

The owner of the dog informed us when interviewed, “I woke up one morning and noticed Crawford’s cute little tush wagging in my face. I got out of bed and took a deeper inspection of his @nus and after brushing the fur from his bum hole and stroking the area with my finger I probed his anus and was shocked to see Jesus looking back at me. The sunlight was shining through the window it was like I was awash with the morning glory of Christ himself.” Ever since that sanctified day, the image of Jesus has graced Crawford’s buttocks.
The owners wife added, 'This is truly a holy event,' and 'It's hard to understand the meaning of this appearance, but one thing is for sure, that dog's bum looks incredibly like Jesus. However, when Crawford goes for his number 2’s it does seem to change appearance but it soon goes back to normal.”

When we asked the owners to explain the two large dangling testicles they insisted this was Jesus’ wings in the relaxed position. “My husband hasn’t been able to stop touching Crawford’s bum hole since the image first appeared. I think he is expecting a miracle but no matter how much he touches it, it just seems to look back at him in silence. He hasn’t washed his hands for days. I think he is obsessed with the whole thing.”

The apparition has caused a stir in the religious world and it has been rumoured that the Pope may be visiting Crawford shortly in America. No confirmation of this trip has been made by the Vatican nor could anyone tell us if the Pope would be kissing Crawford’s ring or Crawford kissing the Popes. Hundreds of deeply religious people have flocked to see this miracle. Crawford apparently has been a little uneasy about the number of people taking a keen interest in his @nus. One visitor explained, “It’s a message, a holy message I am sure of it but I just cannot put my finger on it. At the moment”

A spokesman for the family confirmed to Yesterday’s Knews, “This thing is getting bigger every day, the story that is not Crawford’s @nus. The internet has increased the interest rapidly. Even President Bush has responded to the holy image, “I feel this is a message from God letting the American people know that I was right to go to war in Iraq. Mr Bush has set up a special agency and sanctioned a probe into Crawford’s @nus.”

Farmer Bares All To Jesus

A man who climbed a 45-foot tall statue of Jesus to pray for a miracle cure saw his plan backfire slightly, when he fell off, breaking several bones.
Farmer Jonas Baptistas climbed up the statue of Jesus in Ocaca, Columbia in front of a crowd of onlookers – and TV cameras – in an attempt to be cured of his epilepsy. Unfortunately Jonas had forgotten to wear underwear under his biblical style robe. On lookers at the scene insisted that they could see the devils face smiling from Jonas’ bare bum.

One on looker, Maria Ortega fainted at the scene and was rushed to the nearest hospital. We interviewed her at her hospital bed and she informed our reporter, “It was the ugliest face I have ever seen. It was like the devil himself was laughing at me. His mouth was wide open and I could see his horrible brown gnarled teeth.” Our reporter informed Mrs Ortega that it was in fact Jonas’ bare bum she had been looking at. Mrs Ortega blessed herself and cried with relief, “I thought I was looking into the pit of hell my god does the man never wipe his behind?”
Whilst Jonas stood at the top of the statue people who had gathered around threw clothing to him in order to stop others from fainting too. Whilst at the top of the statue, he prayed for a few moments, then started to get dressed into the clothing he had been given, it had been raining, which made Jesus quite slippery.

As he tried to negotiate a tricky arm in shirt manoeuvre he slipped but managed to hold onto Jesus' outstretched arm, Jonas dangled for a moment, before losing his grip, falling, bouncing off the plinth and then falling some more.

As he was laying on the floor in a daze a part of the crowd started attacking him for insulting Jesus’ statue. On the plus side, he survived. Which is a miracle of sorts.

He was taken to hospital, where he was diagnosed with multiple fractures to his wrist, hip and skull and strangely enough his rectum. Police are questioning a local priest over the incident.
Our reporter asked the chief of police, Raul Quinto Pinto if the priest was being questioned for causing part of the crowd to attack Jonas. “No you have it all wrong the priest concerned, Father Jesus De Flengo was not arrested for this. He was arrested for trying to insert a crucifix up the victim’s anus without permission. We have asked our medical experts and they have confirmed that a crucifix up at rectum will most definitely not cure epilepsy as father Quinto Pinto has tried to imply.”

The case has been pended for two months to give the farmer time to recover from his injuries. The removal of splinters from Mr Baptistas rectum had taken surgeons a lot longer than expected we have been informed.

Big Hugs Don't Make Thugs

A school in Hampshire has banned its pupils from giving each other hugs in the class room or playground. It would appear that there has been a trend recently for pupils to greet each other with a hug. The headmistress Mrs Lawlor has banned this trend due to the fact that the friendly greeting may be used to bully pupils at school.

When questioned on the matter Mrs Lawlor replied, “This trend is something that has swept the entire school in the last month or two. It may seem an innocent thing to do but what if you were hugged by one of the 6 form girls, when you didn’t want her attention. You may feel ill at ease to say the least. I just wouldn’t want girls embracing each other this way it could not only be intimidating but intrusive.”

The school girls at The Good Samaritan of The Holy Cross were informed by the teaching staff to not speak to the press on this matter. We spoke to the schools former caretaker Mr Peter File who commented, “I feel this is yet again another example of political correctness gone wrong. I was sacked recently from my job at the school and so I have no problem giving an interview on the matter. The girls are a lovely bunch of people and I found it no problem what so ever seeing them hugging closely with each other. In fact it brought a lump to my throat and a tear to my eye when ever I saw it happening in the playground. I was hugged by the girls a couple of times myself which made me feel warm inside not bullied. Have you ever had a young girl hold you close and squeeze you there is nothing wrong in it?”

We have been unable to confirm why Mr File has been removed from the post of Caretaker. The school has refused to make any further statement on the hugging ban. However, they were happy to deny a ban on breathing at the school has been set in motion as this would be wrong.

Democrats Give Bush a Bruising

In the US, the democratic party are celebrating a huge success in the mid-term elections. The Democrats gained control of the House of Representatives and are close to gaining a majority in the senate.

Republican president George Dubya Bush has scheduled a news conference this evening in which he will state whether he tends to live with his powerful opponents or, as is expected, come out with all guns blazing and retake the House and Senate using military force.

Troops in Afghanistan and Iraq are already being shipped back to the US to retake what one presidential aide calls "The Political Arms of America, from the Al-Queda loving, Nazi loving, Jew Hating, Rascist, Dog Humping, Aids Riddled, Ugly Looking Democrats".

One Yesterday's Knews reporter claims that the president has requested mobilisation of Team America - World Police, to be used in the first attack on what is now being called "The War on Democrats".