A man who climbed a 45-foot tall statue of Jesus to pray for a miracle cure saw his plan backfire slightly, when he fell off, breaking several bones.
Farmer Jonas Baptistas climbed up the statue of Jesus in Ocaca, Columbia in front of a crowd of onlookers – and TV cameras – in an attempt to be cured of his epilepsy. Unfortunately Jonas had forgotten to wear underwear under his biblical style robe. On lookers at the scene insisted that they could see the devils face smiling from Jonas’ bare bum.
One on looker, Maria Ortega fainted at the scene and was rushed to the nearest hospital. We interviewed her at her hospital bed and she informed our reporter, “It was the ugliest face I have ever seen. It was like the devil himself was laughing at me. His mouth was wide open and I could see his horrible brown gnarled teeth.” Our reporter informed Mrs Ortega that it was in fact Jonas’ bare bum she had been looking at. Mrs Ortega blessed herself and cried with relief, “I thought I was looking into the pit of hell my god does the man never wipe his behind?”
Whilst Jonas stood at the top of the statue people who had gathered around threw clothing to him in order to stop others from fainting too. Whilst at the top of the statue, he prayed for a few moments, then started to get dressed into the clothing he had been given, it had been raining, which made Jesus quite slippery.
As he tried to negotiate a tricky arm in shirt manoeuvre he slipped but managed to hold onto Jesus' outstretched arm, Jonas dangled for a moment, before losing his grip, falling, bouncing off the plinth and then falling some more.
As he was laying on the floor in a daze a part of the crowd started attacking him for insulting Jesus’ statue. On the plus side, he survived. Which is a miracle of sorts.
He was taken to hospital, where he was diagnosed with multiple fractures to his wrist, hip and skull and strangely enough his rectum. Police are questioning a local priest over the incident.
Our reporter asked the chief of police, Raul Quinto Pinto if the priest was being questioned for causing part of the crowd to attack Jonas. “No you have it all wrong the priest concerned, Father Jesus De Flengo was not arrested for this. He was arrested for trying to insert a crucifix up the victim’s anus without permission. We have asked our medical experts and they have confirmed that a crucifix up at rectum will most definitely not cure epilepsy as father Quinto Pinto has tried to imply.”
The case has been pended for two months to give the farmer time to recover from his injuries. The removal of splinters from Mr Baptistas rectum had taken surgeons a lot longer than expected we have been informed.
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