Jail Birds Demand A Bit Of Hot Meat In Prison

The country has gone mad yet again in the build up to Christmas this year. A group of prisoners have successfully argued that the government shouldn’t have allowed its prisoners to suffer cold-turkey treatment when they should have been allowed to eat warm turkey for their festive meal.

The group calling itself the seasonal six have been informed that they have a case. The prisoners are poised to win undisclosed pay-outs after suing the Home Office because they were forced to eat cold meat last Christmas it was revealed.

Meat charity CarnivorScope said the group of six inmates were on the verge of settling out of court with the prison service.

The case – alleging the “cold turkey” treatment they were forced to undergo amounted to assault – was scheduled to start at the High Court.

The size of the payouts under discussion has not been revealed. But the compensation levels are due to be finalised on Tuesday or Wednesday, legal sources said.
High Court judge Mr Justice Beef-Wellington gave the go-ahead in May for a full hearing of the case. When finally resolved this week, the compensation by the Prison Service – may be potentially running into tens of thousands of pounds of warm fine choice cuts of meat.
Mr Justice Beef-Wellington said in May: "All claim that their treatment was handled inappropriately and so they suffered injuries and had difficulties with their withdrawal."
Barrister for the claimants Arthur Nutcuttlet told the court at the time: "Many of the prisoners were receiving warm chicken or beef before they entered prison and were upset at the short period of treatment using opiates they encountered in jail. The cold ham and spam were particularly hated by the inmates. The incident on Christmas day was a fridge cooled meat too far. Imposing the short, sharp detoxification is the issue."
The prisoners were bringing the action based on trespass, because they say they did not consent to the treatment, and for alleged clinical negligence.
They also claimed human rights breaches under Articles 3 and 14 of the European Convention on Human Rights, which ban discrimination, torture or inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment and Article 8, which enshrines the right to respect for private life.
A Home Office spokeswoman said: "It would be inappropriate to comment because the litigation is still ongoing. I must add however that it is the first time a prisoner at this prison has complained about being forced a bit of meat. Some of the prisoners on “B” Wing can’t get enough of it."
We have however, managed to get a statement from one of the prisoners via secret communication at the prison. Basher Bates who has only recently been imprisoned for life for killing a man with his bare hands, confirmed, “It is deeply regretted that the situation has gone this far. We just couldn’t live without our warm meat its bad enough we have to spend our lives in small confined cells but this was too much. No human should be allowed to go through this type of treatment again, we are not criminals we are the victims in all of this. Some of the lads have had to resort to getting a bit of hot meat in the shower room.” We must state that the term getting a bit of hot meat in this case refers to the act of placing cold cuts of meat on the steam pipe and letting the steam heat it up. The case continues.