Ding Dong Smell

As Christmas approaches bad news has hit Berlin. The city has been struck by a severe Santa drought that is causing major concern to Berliners.

The Santa’s R Us agency that supplies Santa’s to families in the city warned today that they had less than a third of the Santa’s that would be required to meet the city's Santa needs. Adolph Heinz, Ober-Weinachtsmann (chief Santa Claus) of the Santa’s R Us agency, said:
'We need at least 300 Santa’s to meet the demand but we only have about 100 signed up so far. I blame the recent clampdown on paedophiles that has hit the country. I am afraid a lot of them have gone underground for fear of reprisals. The Government is wrong to persecute people in this way.'

We explained to Mr Heinz that the safety of young children is paramount and surely an agency like his should understand the damage these people could cause children through their vile deeds.

"Children, who cares about the children I am thinking of the profit. At this rate I will be out of pocket by a great many thousand Euros. The Government wants to start caring about businessmen like me and sod the children."

Each Santa will visit, on average, around a dozen families, bringing seasonal good cheer, presents and a 15% cut of their fees to the agency.

'In a lot of families in Berlin it's a tradition that carries on even after the children grow older and stop believing,' Heinz said, this shortfall is damaging business.
Any Berliners who fancy earning some money, or who just really like the colour red, are advised to contact Mr Heinz. 'I prefer chubby men, of course, ideally with a real beard plus a great set of buns but as for the Santa’s we're not picky and take what we get. However, we have had to turn away a large amount of tramps who have applied for the post' he notes.

When we asked Mr Heinz why so many have been turned away when there is a shortfall in Santa’s he replied, "The thing is they stink and I just don’t like my Santa’s to smell. God knows what their sacks smell of, the state some of them have been in. In my view they should all be put in a camp somewhere and made to work for as pittance until they die."

The search for Santa’s in Berlin continues however, Mr Heinz is not optimistic.