Who Wins? The Experts Decide

That’s right dear readers, in a week where literally loads of important real news stuff happened (like er some dolphins got lost, Gordon Brown did something shit and the Euro 08 finals started) your trusty purveyor of hard-hitting pretend news stories brings you an in-depth look at the final of The Apprentice.

We’ve gathered an imaginary panel of employment experts and (in fact exclusively) famous people and asked them to examine each candidate, then go away to “blue sky the bugger” and come up with a scientifically-proven winner.

First up is vacuous, serpentine pretty-boy Alex Wotherspoon.

“I think he’s all style over substance” said Conservative leader David Cameron.

“But he’s only 24! And he was privately-educated, so that must mean he is at least intelligent, trustworthy and able to lead” countered ‘Man-Of-The-People’ Education Secretary Alan Johnson.

“Ha! That just shows what you know! I was privately-educated and I’m quite patently a twat,” concluded Mr Cameron “And, trust me on this, you really wouldn’t want me running a major business, I’d only fuck it up compl…..oh crap. See what I mean?”

Next, our panel turned their attention to burly, pony-fancying loudmouth, Claire Young.

Assessing her chances of success are thuggish Lotto lout Michael Carroll and last year’s winner, Simon Ambrose.

“I notice she keeps comparing herself to dangerous dogs like a rottweiler and a German Shepherd, Michael. What do you make of that?”

“Well I’ve got loads of devil dogs in my gaff and I tells ya, if they yapped away like this bird, I’d have shot them in the face by now!” snarled Carroll.

“Well quite. Also, I hear she’s applied to be on Big Brother five times!” Simon added, swiftly changing the subject. “It just makes me wonder whether she really wants the job with Sir Alan or if she just wants to be on TV.”

“Yeah, whatever ponce. Are we done here? Right, I’m off to kick some pensioners up the arse.”

We then move on to the people’s champion, excitable poor-man’s Paul Sculthorpe http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Sculthorpe , Lee “I would never do the reverse pterodactyl in front of Sir Alan” McQueen.

Thanks to the wonders of technology we were able to set up a video-conference to get the exclusive views of on-duty BBC football commentary team, John 'Motty' Motson and Mark 'Lawro' Lawrenson.

John Motson kicked off “I’ll say this about Lee McQueen Mark, he’s a real battler isn’t he? The lad gets stuck in. If only the England team’d had a few Lee McQueens in it, they’d probably be here at the finals.”

Lawro wittily replied “I like the boy Lee McQueen, John. But let’s be honest, England would’nt have qualified if they’d had Steve McQueen and all of the Magnificent Seven!”

Motson summed-up “Tell you what though Lawro, heh heh, if he wins, he’ll be delighted. LEE MCQUEEN WILL BE DELIGHTED!”

Last and by every means least, we’re left with stocky nonentity Helene (“I’m a Global Pricing Leader, I am” Speight.

To discuss the merits of Miss Speight we’ve enlisted the unique talents of Britain’s most beloved polymath Stephen Fry. He waxed lyrical thusly “As you all know, I am the nation’s foremost living wit. On demand, I am noted for my ability to conjure up loquacious anecdotes on any subject of your choice. However, I can honestly proclaim that I can think of nothing whatsoever to say about Helene Speight.”

Stepping into the breach to offer an actual, valid opinion on Miss Speight was the acceptable face of GMTV, Lorraine Kelly. Her verdict was short, succinct and damning in equal measure.

“Her whingeing on about her disadvantaged childhood in the interview round disappointed me greatly. Although, to be fair, it was the first memorable thing she’s done all series. I can’t see Sir Alan falling for this one again though. I mean, she’s no Michele Dewberry is she? Maybe more like two Michelle Dewberries in the one body! Oooh aren’t I awful?”

So, there we have it. We input all of the celebrity-produced data into the Yesterdays Knews supercomputer and can confidently predict that the winner of this year’s Apprentice will be……………..

Alex Wotherspoon!

According to our top-secret supercomputer, Alex comes out on top due to David Cameron’s First Law of Rising Without Trace (Formula: Lack Any Discernible Personality + Keep Head Down + Attack All Opposition + Look Good on Cameras = Become Successful Bastard). Well that and he passed the tie breaker of having the name sounding most like an empire of cut-price booze peddlers and daycare centres for elderly alcoholics and people on the sick.

So well done Alex. And bad luck to the runners-up. Still, there’s always next year. Oh and Claire, duuno if you’ve noticed but a new Big Brother’s just started on 4. If you’re quick, you might make it on this time. See, as BB’s first series star ‘Nasty’ Nick Bateman said “As one door closes, another window opens. A shit-encrusted, broken window, behind which lies everything that’s so hateful about everything. But still a window nonetheless.”

The Twat-Off : Hillary Vs Sophocles

So here we have it people. Just who is the most obnoxious, do-anything-to-win, lying, cheating, shit-eating fraud in this year’s slightly made-up final of The Apprentice?

The contenders are as follows:

Michael Sophocles : Shortarse shitehawk, without any discernible talent with a brazen attitude to lying, cheating and Raef-stabbing.

What The Papers Say : “A fucktard” (Anna Pickard, The Guardian) , “Odious Little Shit” (Adrian Chiles, BBC2’s ‘The Apprentice : You’re Fired’) , “Spivvy little dickweed” (Yesterdays Knews).

Hillary Clinton : Duplicitous, Political Noblesse-Oblige, Hard-faced bastard.

What The Papers Say : “An evil witch” (Bill O’Reilly, FOX TV) , “She kinda lied about sniper fire, so fuck her ” (The rest of the US media) , “Can’t she please just do one and leave me in peace to strump some late-teens?” (Bill Clinton).

What Might Sir Alan Say: “Michael, while you score very high on the international twatiness index, in fact a 9.8, one of the highest scores ever, I’ve got to say that Hillary, you've got one womb too many to fit into my organisation. So, with no regret whatsoever, Hillary, you’re fired!”

Clinton Finally Gets Her Cards

The U.S Democratic Party have spoken and we can exclusively reveal that their choice as Presidential candidate for 2008 is Senator Barack Obama.

At the end of a six-month political battle royale, Obama was at long last confirmed as the victor over his doggedly determined rival, Senator Hillary Clinton.

Or so the (proper) papers say anyhow. The geeks. At Yesterdays Knews, we just happen to know differently. Unburdened as we are with their tiresome requirements to publish real facts based on actual stuff, we can now divulge the story behind the story.

The former First Lady is being put into the final of The Apprentice!

Our mole in Team Clinton reports that Hillary held crisis talks with her campaign team at daybreak today and weighed up her options. Faced with the choice of continuing to campaign for a job which she is now certain not to get and jetting over to London, England to take her chances on obtaining the vacant position with Sir Alan Sugar, it is believed that her husband Bill encouraged her to choose the latter.

As our mole revealed “Hillary was in favour of carrying-on and brushing off the technicality of defeat, hoping that if she kept this up long enough, people would eventually forget that she lost and just let her be President anyway. Kind of like when George lost his job in Seinfeld and just kept on coming into work anyway.”

The filthy grass continued “But former President Clinton urged her to start working off the unsuccessful campaign’s $20 million debts immediately by jumping on a transatlantic flight and leaving him to 'take care of business' at home.”

There is apparently no truth whatsoever in the rumour that cynical TV chiefs have parachuted in the scheming, muck-slinging, double-dealing, 'mis-speaking', delusional loser to replace recently-deposed oleaginous pantomime villain Michael Sophocles.

So, which one's better? Michael Sophocles or Hillary Clinton? There's only one way to find out..................FIGHT!

……And We’re Back!

Yes that’s right patient readers, your 3,164th favourite spoof news website have returned from our brief sabbatical four days early. Just for you, you little fun-junkies. We know you’ve been Jonesing like crazy to get your hands on the really good stuff and what can we say, we’re sorry for leaving you like that.

We had originally made a contingency plan to bring in temporary cover to tide you over but this unfortunately had to be scrapped a bit sharpish when it became apparent that our “skeleton staff” consisted solely of a chimp with a visor on, hunched over a typewriter. And believe us, you don’t get to Yesterdays Knews’ position in the marketplace by allowing chimpanzees to publish articles consisting of “dpbj9uetgohraohg47653484y^($” while throwing their own spunk around your office. Although the ape did also manage to type “tits”, which is proof of something, if nothing else.

Anyway, to celebrate our return to active duty, here’s a roundup of some of the news we missed over the past three weeks:

There was a major world sensation in the US Primary elections where Hillary Clinton actually won two states! Staggeringly, two overwhelmingly white, redneck hick states decided not to vote for a black man. Well whatever next?

Meanwhile, at home, amiable but buffoonish toff, Boris Johnson, has been elected as the Mayor of London. Yes, actual people actually voted for Boris Johnson to become the Mayor of London. Just to reiterate: BORIS JOHNSON IS NOW THE MAYOR OF LONDON. Sometimes real life’s just so much funnier than anything we can come up with.

Of course, having said all of that, Mr Johnson’s first act as Mayor is already proving most popular with Londoners. His decision to ban boozing on buses and trains has meant that his predecessor, Ken Livingstone, has been forced to take to his car if he wants to get tanked up during his morning commute, thereby incurring his very own congestion charge. “Hoist on your own petard, Mr Livingstone!” as Boris might well have said.

In reality TV news, the absolute twatfest that is The Apprentice marches imperiously onwards to true telly greatness, trampling all lowbrow rivals in it’s wake. Although, what the fucking hell were you doing firing Raef last week, Sir Alan? Perhaps wise old Sir Alan (can we not drop the Sir bit, it’s getting a bit dull now surely? No, fair enough. Well can we call him Al? You know like the song? How about Shug then? Not that either? OK suit yourself) Sugar was teaching us all an important business lesson about how nice guys don’t succeed and that you have to be a right shithouse to get to the top. In which case spivvy little dickweed, Michael Sophocles, looks a shoe-in to win this show. And God help us all if he does.

Déjà Vu Time As Brown Ballses It Up Again

Gordon Brown's last-ditch attempt to rescue his premiership lies in tatters today as Britain wakes up thirty years ago.

Following the Labour government’s catastrophic showing in yesterday’s local elections, Gordon Brown has been forced to take desperate measures to attempt to win back public support.

In what has been described by senior civil servants as “a surprise move”, the PM has taken the entire country back in time. Over the last two months, the government’s top advisers have secretly been showing Mr Brown DVD box-sets of the smash-hit BBC TV series, Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes.

So impressed was he with the way these shows captured the public’s affection, Mr Brown has railroaded through the launch of the government’s Super Duper Country Teleporter to take the electorate back to happier, more carefree days.

Unfortunately, however, the Super Duper Country Teleporter was not operational to full capacity when the PM accidentally activated it at 6.30 this morning by banging his head on the “Start Teleporting” button, thereby taking the entire United Kingdom back to 1978.

Our source inside Number 10 can reveal that Mr Brown originally intended to take the nation back to 1973 after watching Life on Mars but then changed his mind after viewing the sequel Ashes to Ashes and threw 1981 into the mix as well. The boss-eyed ditherer was unable to choose between them and thus when the machine was inadvertently turned on this morning, it defaulted to a year somewhere inbetween.

Now the beleagured PM faces the prospect of running a hugely unpopular administration grimly hanging onto the reins of a severely depressed country in the throes of recession with oil prices skyrocketing and industrial disputes breaking out left, right and centre. According to our source “he hopes no-one will notice any difference.”

Prezza Defends Puke Sex Claim

John Prescott has today slammed critics for casting doubt on his contention that his bulimia was responsible for his very public extra-marital affair with aide Tracey Temple.

The former Deputy PM shocked the nation last weekend with his revelation that he suffered from the illness (whereby the patient gorges on fatty food and then forces themselves to vomit it all up) which is usually associated with young women.

But it was Prescott’s assertion that the bulimia directly caused him to stray from his wife with former assistant Temple, 46, that provoked most criticism.

An embattled Mr Prescott this morning called a press conference in central London to provide prima facie medical evidence to confirm his assertions. He was accompanied by a psychiatrist renowned in the field of food-related anxiety, Doctor Tucker MacSpew. Dr MacSpew said

“It is quite reasonable, in my experience, to see that there is a clear correlation between feasting oneself on delicious treats like hamburgers and condensed milk and feasting one’s loins on a lovely female lady. Oh yes.”

When asked to provide actual evidence of this purported “correlation” Dr MacSpew replied “Well look at that Russell Brand. He used to be bulimic and now he’s The Sun’s ‘Shagger Of The Year’. I rest my case.”

We tracked down Mr Brand this afternoon to discover his take on the claims. “Why 'tis nought but rrrrhubarb” said the ballbags funnyman.

He went on “Oh and don’t forget to go and see my new film ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’. It’s out on Friday and I’m in it and everything! Just thought I’d mention that ‘cos I’ve been really reticent about the whole being asked to be in a Hollywood movie thing and I’ve hardly mentioned it to anyone. ‘Ere do you fancy a fumble then sweetcheeks?”

TV News : War of the Eve

News reaches us this morning that is certain to send shockwaves throughout the broadcast media.

ITV have poached British television’s most in-demand actor, Trevor Eve, from under the noses of baffled BBC bosses to make a reality TV show!

Beeb drama chiefs were thought to be lining up several new dramatic projects for Eve in the wake of the resounding critical success of his recent powerhouse performance as slimy gameshow host Hughie Greene.

However, it is thought that new ITV chief, Peter Fincham, used his friendship with the Waking The Dead star to lure him away from Auntie’s clutches with a money-no-object offer to make the light-entertainment programme of his choice.

The new show, devised by and starring Eve, is already in pre-production and is scheduled to appear on Saturday evenings this autumn. Details are still somewhat sketchy at this stage but we can reveal the working title and brief synopsis thanks to a rather helpful source in the ITV publicity department.

“Eve Of Destruction” : Waking The Dead actor Trevor Eve is mad as hell and he’s not gonna take it any more! Watch as he rampages through the English countryside taking on local pub hardmen as he smashes the gaff up.

Reports that the BBC are planning a counter-move with a series showing Robson Green arm-wrestling prisoners are as yet unconfirmed.