Corrections

In our TV Crimes feature, below, we said that Gordon Brown received the postcard addressed simply to "Scottish C**t". We now understand that this was not the case and would like to sincerely apologise to Mr Brown and his family for any distress caused. The postcard in question was actually correctly delivered to Nicky Campbell.

In our article dated 23 April 2007, we used the banner headline : Sir Elton goes cottaging in Cotswolds. We would like to apologise for this error to both Elton and his lover David Furnish for the stress this may have caused. We meant to say “in men's toilets” not “the Cotswolds”.

From our article "Snooker Loopy" of 18th April, we would like to point out that David Vine is a snooker commentator and not, as we said, a rapist.

In our article about the upcoming Budget, dated 15th March, the sub-headline "Madonna is a toothless crack whore" should have read "Interest rate rises hit the poor".

In our article entitled "Lionel Blair Swallows Seamen In Pool Side Incident" we wish to point out that this headline gives the wrong message to Lionel's fan, Mrs Nugget in Battersea. We, of course, meant that he eats cock whilst on holiday, and not miniature toy marines discarded by children.

The capital of Ecuador is, of course, Quito and not, as we stated in our dangerous dogs feature (2nd April), "Jonathan King's Hard Drive".

And finally, in our exclusive interview with Leslie Grantham, in the last line, it should have read "telephone sex lines" and not, as was printed, "Moira Stewart".

Val Takes The Rap For College Tragedy

It emerged last night that there were sinister forces behind the tragic and senseless massacre at Braintree Technical College, Essex, earlier this week.

In echoes of the Porcupine High School shootings a few years ago when it was believed that the gunmen were influenced to act by their choice of so-called music. News-fans may recall that shock-rocker Marliyn Manson was heavily implicated for supposedly warping the minds of the children with his tuneless pretend heavy-metal.

We can sensationally reveal that this week’s evil killer, Max Von Beann, is also now thought to have turned to violence after being brought up on a daily diet of the seemingly-inoffensive Irish crooner Val Doonican. FBI psych-profilers have pinpointed the music of Doonican, 78, as the major factor contributing to what they have called “the madness” of Max. A senior agent, who wished to remain anonymous, confirmed that listening to one Doonican song in particular, “Paddy McGinty’s Goat”, would be more than sufficient to turn an otherwise law-abiding citizen into a psychotic mass-murderer. When asked how they could possibly prove this the agent said “It just does, cos I said so. Alright?”

Our reporter, Colin Stagg, contacted top music expert and TV nostalgia list show’s second most prolific participant, Paul Morley, to try and verify the FBI’s claims.

Mr Morley said “Oh God yeah, that makes perfect sense to me. Have you ever heard Paddy McGinty’s Goat? Jesus Jones, what sort of sick bastard could possibly dream up something so truly terrifying? I can tell you this much, if anyone locked me up and forced me to listen to Val Doonican, within half an hour I’d be looking to slay at least a thousand fuckers before inevitably turning the gun on myself and firing a high calibre bullet into my own head at point-blank range. Now where's my gun and how do I get to Hungerford?"

Val Doonican was alas unavailable for comment last night but his agent, did happen to mention that Val would be available for this year’s Glastonbury Festival and that he was “very excited” at the prospect of recording a duet with bad-boy rapper Snoop “Doggy” Dogg (providing he hasn’t died by then, or been forced to leave the country by the inevitable hate campaign by certain middle-class, simple-minded, scare-mongering, foreigner-hating newspapers).

‘Panty Boy’ Proves Critics Wrong

X-Factor loser Ray Quinn is sitting on top of the world after playing to a sold-out audience in his native Liverpool in the final leg of his nationwide tour. And, to put the icing on what is already proving to be a nausea-inducing sickly sweet shitcake, his debut album has recently soared to the top of the album charts.

It only seems like months ago that the “Cheeky Scouser” (TM: all Southern-based tabloid newspapers) was the bookies’ favourite for early elimination from the smash-hit talent show, after incurring the wrath of celebrity judge Sharon Osborne. Showbiz survivor Sharon, 39, had slammed the midget warbler as only being fit for pantomime.

However, Ray now looks to have had the last laugh with his astonishing success and he was in no mood for graciousness towards his earlier critics. He said yesterday

“Well Sharon, what do you think of me now eh you slag? Ha ha I was right and you were wrong! But seriously, how dare she go on national television and call me a panty boy in front of the whole nation? I mean, what’s the big deal if I do like to parade around with women’s knickers stapled to my face in the privacy of my home? We all need to relax after all. I just don’t know how she could have found about it.”

When our interviewer pointed out to Ray that what Sharon had actually called him was Panto Boy, as in Pantomime, as in you're only fit for Pantomime dickhead, he responded “Oh shite.”

Calls For Blogging Code of Conduct After Death Threat Shock

The support for a blogger hounded by death threats has intensified with some high profile web experts calling for a code of conduct in the blogosphere.

The female blogger at the centre of the row has been shocked to discover that hers is not an isolated incident. It has led her and others to question some of the unwritten rules of blogging and many internet experts believe this could force a re-examination of the way the tight-knit blogging community behaves.

Among those calling for a bloggers' code of conduct is Tim O'Reilly - one of the web's most influential thinkers. He said yesterday:

"I do think we need some code of conduct around what is acceptable behaviour, I would hope that it doesn't come through any kind of regulation it would come through self-regulation."

O’Reilly, whilst being an undoubtedly popular figure in the internet blogging world, is also living proof of the theory that typing up self-obsessed inanities to socially-retarded onanists all day, every day does less than nothing for your command of the English language.

It is believed that the blogger who went public over her death threats has welcomed this news. Speaking from a secret hideout in Paul Eddington Road, Doddiesville, San Antonio, Texas, second house on the left past the Wimpy, hiding just behind the bins, Michelle Fowler said:

“It’s a sad day when you can’t talk about your cat’s bowel movements on the internet without someone threatening to murder you. I guess it’s just lucky I didn’t mention that naked child I’ve got tied up in the garage then, huh?”

Special Feature

This Much I Know

Martin Clunes, Actor / Comedian, 44, London

I knew I wanted be an actor when I was seven and played Joseph in the school nativity play. I didn’t fluff any of my lines and my parents took me out for ice cream at the end. Magic!

People don’t appreciate how difficult it is to act well until they’ve seen really bad acting.

Contrary to my public image, I’m not a big drinker. When I landed the part of Gary in Men Behaving Badly I went out and bought a Mint Choc Viennetta and ate the whole thing myself!

My idea of self-indulgence is to stuff my face full of ice cream treats. Not the stuff off the ice cream man though, that‘s just wrong.

I’m not really an angry person. But if someone tries to pass off cheapo domestic ice cream cones on me, I’ve been prone to some pretty nasty reactions; let’s just leave it at that.

Therapy isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I was in therapy from the age of 8 til 11 and I don’t feel it helped me at all. It didn’t help me with the nightmares and even now I still wake up screaming over that terrible, terrible day. It’s like I can still feel that 99’er melting in my hands all over again.

You never forget your first Wall’s Feast. Mine was when I was 11 and it was this discovery that encouraged me to quit the therapy. I mean, flaky chocolate, nuts, chocolate ice cream and solid milk chocolate in the middle? Come on! Most importantly though, it was wrapped and came with a stick to hold. That totally changed my life.

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you some serious ready-packaged ice cream products!

I think that I use exclamation marks too often.

Happiness is a hot day in Madrid and a chilled Nestle Maxibon. Half yummy chocolate ice cream and half delicious biscuity wafer. It doesn’t get any better than that I can tell you. Now if only we had them in England……

Politics isn’t for everyone. I wouldn’t say that I’m a very political person myself, but I do get passionate over the really crucial issues. Hence my recent decision to get on my hobby horse and become something of an agitator.

The range of ready-packaged ice cream products available in this country is a disgrace. You just hop on a plane to France, Spain or Italy. Even Germany for God’s sake and you’ll see how bad we have it over here. Every shop and news-stand carries a plethora of them. What do we have? You’re lucky to get a choc ice or a strawberry bleeding mivvy. Who won the bloody war anyway?

My wife thinks I’m being stupid. As always. She may be right, but someone’s got to take a stand. We’re either in Europe or we’re not. And if we are in, then we should enjoy the same ready-packaged ice cream product privileges as our neighbours. Our government are quick enough to hand our fish out to all and sundry after all.

At the end of the day, all you can do is say you’ve tried. And no-one can ever take that away from you.

Clinton 'Barracks' Obama

In the Americas, Democratic candidates Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama joined forces with civil rights activists in an attempt to gain the 'black vote'. Both candidates spoke simultaneously to packed congregations in the deeply racist southern state of Alabama.

Mr Obama, speaking at the ATM church announced "I stand on the shoulder of giants!" which was true, as he was standing on top of two burly bodyguards at the time.

Mrs Clinton, 78, spoke of the courage of the 1965 civil rights marches who walked through the town of Selma, on a day which became known as Bloody Sunday. Mrs Clinton appeared to take a line from her husband when she appeared to say "Put it in your hand and start munching towards a better tomorrow". She also appeared to mumble something about wanting Bush to face a tongue lashing.

Fat Boy Not Slim

An 8 year old boy weighing 14 stone has been allowed to stay with his mother after a local authority hearing. William 'fatty' Foulkes, 8, heard the news earlier today, and celebrated with a cheeseburger dipped in chocolate and lard.

William recently lost a stone, but found it again later and placed it back with his collection of other rocks and pebbles.

When asked what his favourite musical instrument was, Will replied "The school dinner bell".

Wills mother, Thatsall Foulkes, blames her sons weight problem on 'convenience culture'.

Mrs Foulkes, 89, stated "If they didn't put handles on fridges, he wouldn't be able to get at the Turkey Twizzlers, and its not my fault I can get 15 frozen pizza's into my oven. If they (the Government) want my son to lose wait, they better move me to a bigger house so he can move around more, and increase my handouts, I can't live on 12 hundred pound a week and be expected to buy carrots...can I!?"

Bonkers Blair Sets Unpopular Agenda After Success Of Road Charging

Prime Minister Tony Blair, buoyed by the strength of public opposition to his recent idea for additional road charging, has announced that he will be introducing a whole program of new laws that will prove to be the exact opposite of what popular public opinion actually wants.

In a reaction to the news that 1.8 million people signed the online petition to protest against the government’s plans to install spy devices in all motor vehicles for the purpose of charging the motorist by the mile for the ‘privilege’ of using their car, the PM has decided that, in the dying days of his premiership, he really quite likes the idea of being hated by the entire country.

Mr Blair, who has privately admitted to aides that he is actually insane, yesterday announced his plans to “let a series of really foul and unpleasant farts off in the faces of the Great British public.” The program of parliamentary flatulation is to begin immediately with a bill to compulsorily cull all household pets. With clubs and knives. And you will have to murder your pets yourselves, apparently for Health and Safety reasons, while an official from the Ministry of Agriculture repeatedly prods you in the ribs and angrily berates you for your stupidity in owning such a useless drain on the economy, whilst criticising your feeble attempt at slaughter.

Next on the statute books is the new ‘Race Hate’ law. After witnessing the massive public backlash against the racist bullying of Celebrity Big Brother winner Shilpa Shetty by several uneducated members of the working class, Mr Blair has come up with what he hopes to be the least popular and most controversial idea of all time. He is planning to bring back slavery. As the now ranting PM explained, he intended to force into slavery every group and individual he didn’t like very much. When pressed as to who that might be, Blair replied “that’s pretty much all of you. You ungrateful scum, you’re all gonna be mine! Hahahaha! Oh, apart from Cliff Richard obviously. He’s a close personal friend. And no, not like that. Before you start with your filth.”

Blair raced through the remainder of his ‘Disrespect’ Agenda as he said he had an urgent appointment with a violent sex offender. Thus all we can give you is the outline plans that were hurriedly provided. The highlights are shown below:

A bill to make the wearing of hats illegal, under punishment of death.

The immediate appointment of Paul ‘Gary Glitter’ Gadd as Education & Child Welfare Secretary with GCSE’s to be replaced by MGG (Member of the Glitter Gang) rosettes. A-levels will be kept.

Testing of nuclear weapons on provincial towns with names consisting of fewer than six letters.

All lesbian’s nighties to be set on fire on the last Friday of every month.

Tap water to be replaced by vagrants’ urine.

All pornography to be confiscated, destroyed and replaced with OAP jazz-mags and slack granny flicks.

When asked for their reaction to the Prime Minister’s speech, opposition leaders David Cameron and Ming Campbell simultaneously replied “he’s a mad bastard!”

Did Di Die and Dodi Die or Did Dodi do Di up the Doodah and Disappear?

The late Princess of Wales, Diana Spencer and her beau Dodi Al Fayed were not actually killed in the now infamous Paris car accident, as we had all believed. In fact they are still alive and well and living in erotic paradise away from the prying eyes of the World’s press.

Sounds crazy? Well, this is the argument put forward in a shock new tv documentary due to be aired next week. The show, part of the BBC’s new Conspiracy Theories series, presents “evidence” gathered by a team of lonely middle-aged housewives who simply refused to accept that the Queen of Hearts was no longer with us on this mortal coil.

In a special sneak preview of the show, we saw the various factions that have formed who all firmly believe that not only did the princess and the playboy fake their own deaths but that it is blindingly obvious that the crash could not have been real.

The groups have splintered over their theories as to where Dodi and Di might be currently hiding out but the most vociferous group, Suburban Ladies’ Underground Truth Seekers (S.L.U.T.S) , have revealed the most controversial of findings. According to their leader, Mrs Henrietta Smallpox, the couple escaped under the cover of darkness and eloped to a remote fishing village in Northern India, which is locally renowned for its stringent laws enforcing ‘unnatural’ sex acts.

The idea of England’s Rose betraying her legions of female and homosexual fans by tricking them into believing she’d been tragically killed in a Paris death-trap tunnel is surely hard enough to stomach. But the thought that she would do so just to spend the rest of her lifetime enjoying a daily buggering from a tubby waster who just happens to have a name similar to her own (only with two more letters obviously) is quite beyond the pale.

We tried to get a reaction from popular singer Dido but she was sadly unavailable for comment and so we turned our attention to in-the-news beleagured referee Phil Dowd. Unfortunately Mr Dowd was so disgusted by the allegations that he chased our reporter away from his home while shouting that we should “fuck off” and “shut the fuck up”. We were offered a quote from a ‘character’ calling himself Dodd but, when pressed for his considered comments on the news that Princess Diana may be getting a right royal pounding up the poop-chute in darkest India, he could only respond with an animated bout of shouting the words “Yank off, jerk off” repeatedly. Ultimately, that perhaps says it all.

Bowl-ing For Europe

So the Superbowl was won by the Indianapolis Colts, and for us here in Europe it can be difficult to understand the Americanisms of the commentators during the game.

So, to help us 'Soccer' loving Euro's, Yesterdays Knews have translated the entire game into language we all understand here across the pond.

The match kicked off in a turrential downpour and there was to be a sensational start as Chicago FC scored straight from the kickoff with a great individual effort from centre half Dave Hester.

This rattled the opposition who took 20 minutes to recover but then scored a wonderful goal of their own when a brilliant pass from midfield maestro Manning set up winger Reggie Wayne who slotted the ball home with ease.

However, within 7 minutes the Chic's had increased their lead when pressure on the ball caused the Colts into some sloppy passes. Chicago playmaker, Grossman put the left winger Mushin Muhammed into space to score.

After the first of 3 breaks, Indianapolis begin to pile on the pressure and Striker Vinatieri scores from fully 29 yards before they take the lead with Rhodes bundling the ball home from a yard out.

After the second break, Vinatieri grabs his second, this time a 24 yard screamer and gets his hat-trick 16 minutes later, this time a 20 yard tap in.

Nine minutes later, the Bears get what would turn out to be a consolation goal as their forward Gould shoots from 44 yards into the top corner.

Eleven minutes after the 3rd and final break, the Colts make the game safe when Kevin Hayden intercepts a poor pass from Grossman to round the keeper and smack it in from a tight angle.

There are no further goals and the match finishes 6 - 3...... or 29 -17 in American slang.

A Bowl of cherries

As the USA prepares itself for Superbowl XLI, here in the 51st state of UK, some are also preparing themselves for a long night on Sunday and pulling a 'sicky' on Monday to catch all the action on Sly TV.

For those of you who don't know anything about the Superbowl, it's a mixture between the FA Cup final and sumo wrestling, with fat blokes in body armour bouncing off each other, and thats just in the crowd. This years final will be contested between the Chicago Bears and the Indianapolis Colts and will be played at the Dolphin stadium in Miami.

The Superbowl is most famous for its half time show, which has produced some controversial moments in the past. In 2004, Janet Jackson exposed a pair of tits during the halftime show, one was her own and the other was Justin Timberlake.

To ensure there will be no embarrassing moments this year, the hosts have chosen Michael Jackson to appear on stage with the boys and girls from the Miami Kindergarten dance troupe.

Yesterdays Knews will bring you coverage of the Superbowl final sometime next week.

Going, Going, Gone

You may recall that yesterday in our article on the launch of Red Nose Day 2007, we reported that there is to be a big auction of comedian’s gifts. Well, the guys and gals down at Comic Relief have been kind enough to let us have some details of the choicest items on offer so you can get your bids in early. You lucky people.

So, without further ado, feast your eyes on the following treasure trove of charitable hilarity and get your wallets out. Or don’t. Frankly it’s nothing to do with us either way. We’ve already given 20p each to the woman who comes in the pub collecting for MS or cancer or whatever the fuck it was. And, one of us once gave a tramp a pound AND told him he didn’t care if he spent it on cheap cider! So as you can imagine, we at Yesterdays Knews Towers have more than done our bit for charity this year.

However, for the rest of you feckless, selfish, spoilt wasters, here are the prize items for the all-star auction:

Lot 101 donated by Jo Brand : A used tampon with signed verification from the donor that the item has definitely been inside her sopping , bleeding fanny.

Lot 102 donated by Jack Dee : Complete box set of all five series of Curb Your Enthusiasm together with the handmade notes scribbled on the case, which Jack assures us comprises the final script for his recent BBC sitcom, Lead Balloon.

Lot 103 donated by Ricky Gervais : A signed copy of his favourite book “How to be humble when you attain long-sought-after success”. He knows Jerry Seinfeld you know?

Lot 104 donated by Sacha Baron Cohen : A special private sneak preview of his new comedy character. All we can tell you at this stage is that he asks Americans a series of rather inappropriately amusing questions in a silly accent.

Lot 105 donated by Julian Clary: A signed first-edition of his new novel “Oooh! I’ve just shoved this bald man’s cock right up my arse Mrs Wilberforce”

So, what are you waiting for? Get your bids in now by logging onto www. its alright to be an attention-seeking tosser, dress like a cunt and act like a bona fide bell-end for a day cos some failed comedians on the telly said so.co.uk.

Send In The Clowns

Red Nose Day 2007 was launched yesterday by some of the country’s top comedians (and Jennifer Saunders) in a blaze of publicity at the London Eye.

Comic Relief’s chief spokesman and former television star Lenny Henry was asked to explain the location for the launch and explained that “the eye is close to the nose so it makes sense facially-speaking.”

Professional homosexual Graham Norton then revealed that, to start this year’s proceedings with a bang, they were holding a televised auction of the comics’ most personal possessions.

Norton then proceeded to give details of the generous donations of some of the UK’s premier comedy talent. For instance, Jo Brand is auctioning one of her used tampons, which is expected to cause a lot of interest amongst viewers. Blue comic Bernard Manning interrupted to rant “Jo fucking Brand, at it again! That’s all she ever talks about. Tampax, tampons, sanitary towels and toilets.”

Jim Davidson offered to auction off one of his wives but organisers had to politely refuse as it was believed she was too shop-soiled and bruised to get any kind of price.

Meanwhile, Norton confided that plans to auction off the talent of Billy Connolly had to be scrapped as it has been impossible to locate for several years. It was apparently last seen “disappearing up the arseholes of the British Royal Family” according to Norton. “Mind you” he continued “to be fair to Connolly, he did crack that joke about Ken Bigley didn’t he?”

Flavour-of-the-moment foppish comedian Russell Brand summed up “S’excitin’ ain’t it?” Brand then proceeded to pull down his trousers and pants, w@nked his dinkle til huge gobs of spermatozoa came shooting forth from the crown and shouted “LADS! How about you come and give this comic some relief?”

They warned him about his future conduct and threatened to place him on the sex offender’s register.

Big Brother Gets His Dirk Out

Celebrity Big Brother came to a close yesterday as Asian movie star Shilpa Shetty was announced as the winner.

However the racial aspects of the show are still reverberating and all of the housemates appear to have something to say in the matter. Yesterdays Knews have been given a rare opportunity to interview Dirk Benedict, the A-Team star, who finished in 3rd place in this years Celeb BB.

Dirk, 72, was quick to point out why he said nothing during the racial outburst while in the house. "Hey, I was worried about the face...those girls had sharp nails...and this smile cost me a fortune. I thought they might start bitch slapping me...well I hoped..."

Dirk then claimed he had spoken to his A-Team co-star Mr T about the show.

Mr Benedict informed Yesterdays Knews that Mr T had been watching the show via sattelite in his home, the converted A-Team van. When asked what he thought of Jade Goody, Mr T is believed to have replied "I pity the fool!"

Yesterdays Knews can confirm that Mr Benedict has been offered a contract to star in a new series of the A-Team, however this time taking over the role of Mad Murdoch, trapped in a room of lunatics for months on end before being rescued.

Dennis Rodman will be taking over Mr T's role as B A Baracus whilst Michael Barrymore takes over the role of Hannibal from the late George Peppard. It is believed that Mr Barrymore only agreed to take the role if he could have a swimming pool fitted to the A-Team van and be allowed to say "Awight at the back!!" whilst driving the van.

Jade's Race To Oblivion

Jade Goody is fighting back over allegations of racism during this years Celebrity (?) Big Brother.

Jade, Jo from S-Club 7 and ex-model Danielle Lloyd were all accused of racially bullying Asian film star Shilpa Shetty.

Jade claimed today that she is certain she is not a racist. "I eat indian food..." announced Miss Goody, 26. "Not with my fingers like...or in Indian restaurants...but I got a Chicken Korma from the supermarket the other day, didn't really like it tho, don't normally eat foreign muck, ye never know what they put innit, do ye?". Jade continued her tirade "If I'm a racialist, how come I have a black dog?"

Jade is hoping to travel to India later this year, in her 'Mother wants a good old British Bungalow' tour.

Shame of Mystery Celeb Not Nonced Up As Tot

A nationally-famous celebrity sensationally confessed his most shameful secret last night. The celeb, an actor known by many for his TV work, came clean about his pitiful childhood ordeal. He broke down in tears while he spilled his guts about the trauma of never being being sexually abused as a child.

When pressed for more detail, he finally opended up and shockingly admitted that he hadn’t been anally raped or interfered with by his parents, touched up in the changing rooms by a mature batchelor teacher, or even had his balls or arse felt by a local oddball round the back of the bins.

The celebrity, we can only name as Mr Gaffney, spoke of his despair at his palpable unattractiveness that he couldn’t even be attractive to paedophiles, even those ones with the really, really thick glasses and greasy hair. He confessed that he even used to hang around Jonathan King’s tennis courts, diddling for a fiddling, but to no avail.

“What sort of celebrity, in this day and age, wasn’t nonced up as a kid?” came his plaintive cry. “Even frigging Ken Russell got some action. What does that say about me?”

Our reporter managed to extricate himself from the interview without having to reply to such a loaded question and made his excuses and left. Immediately upon his return to the Yesterday’s Knews office, he was telephoned by former Hollyoaks actor and Love Island psychopath Paul Danan. Mr Danan had mysteriously already heard about our mystery celeb’s sorry tale and offered his services to rebuild the celeb’s confidence. In essence, he offered to molest them live on ITV. When informed that the mystery celebrity was in fact a male, Danan replied:

“Makes no difference to me. It’s on telly isn’t it? And really, do you reckon
I’ve got any self-respect left after being on Love Island twice and then being
the gimp on 'Calum, Fran and Dangerous Danan' on ITV2?”

Saddaam 'Hanging Out' In Celeb BB Shocker

In news that is set to be so earth-shatteringly shocking that those whingeing bloody polar bears may finally be devoured by the gaping chasm of the now-annihilated ice caps, leaving them to spiral towards subterranean oblivion, we can exclusively reveal that Saddaam Hussein was not actually executed this week.

Yesterdays Knews has just received a secret memo detailing how the hanging was faked in order to create a smokescreen to preserve the biggest surprise in the history of the World. So, in order to spoil this for everybody because we can’t resist showing off how clever we are, here is the scoop of the century. Saddaam is set to be parachuted in to the Celebrity Big Brother house!

It is believed that U.S Military chiefs have been liaising with Endemol, the programme’s makers, in order to pull off this once-in-a-lifetime televisual coup. Our sources have confirmed that there had been concern within the White House, that a quick and painless execution would not be sufficient punishment for the former dictator for his myriad crimes against humanity.

It was therefore decided, after much research into alternative punishments, that it would be a much more fitting penalty for Saddaam to be locked inside a house with H from Steps and Leo Sayer for four weeks.

Saddaam’s lawyers seem certain to appeal this decision on the grounds of it clearly being in breach of the Geneva Convention, and it is understood that they have the full backing of human rights charity Amnesty International.

However, the sentence is now officially classed as irreversible by the Iraqi Supreme Court, so we might as well all enjoy the ride. And, you never know, he might even roll back the years and manage to top a few of the tosspots while he’s in there. Should this be the case, we would like to make it clear that this would be a disgraceful new low for British television but while he’s at it, if he could just take out that Donny knobhead, just for us, we’d be really most grateful.

Yesterday's TV Today

Hello again. Now we realise that many of our fans out there might be sitting around wondering what might be on TV tonight in a totally made-up, total rip-off of Charlie Brooker’s seminal website TVGoHome but nowhere near as funny – type way.

Well, we don’t like to disappoint you so here are some snippets for tonight so don’t say we don’t ever give you anything you ungrateful pigs.


7.00 pm Heil Terry! Terry Wogan takes a light-hearted look at Nazi Germany and re-enacts some memorable moments with the help of fellow TV stars Patrick Mower, Sue Cook and Art Malik.
This week: 'The Night of the Long Knives'. Terry orders the execution of former ally Ernst Rohm (Gaby Roslin). Guest-starring John Virgo as the knives.

7.45pm Travels with Mr T He ain't gettin’ on no plane fool but A-Team star Mr T takes us on an overland trek through the Atacama Desert armed only with some nuts and bolts that were carelessly discarded by a seemingly ruthless band of American crimelords, and a supply of cabbages. Will he miraculously stumble upon all the raw materials he needs to build an armoured tank and rescue the imprisoned nuns held by bloodthristy Nicaraguan mercenaries? What do you think fool?

8.45 pm Maxibonbon! Madcap Spanish gameshow hosted by Brian Dennehy. Childless couples compete against each other in a series of zany tasks and challenges to win a baby's worth of vouchers from the Gilbert Deya Ministries.

9.45 pm Captain Birdseye's Video Diaries What's the Cap'n up to this week? He's only gone and scuttled six Bosnian sailors in Bottomy Bay. See exclusive pictures and special behind-the-porthole action.

10.15 pm Mr Wendal One-off musical dramatising the story of the hard-hitting Arrested Development hit of the early 90's about a homeless drifter. Starring David Suchet as the African-American itinerant and featuring the cast of now sadly defunct five soap Family Affairs as the government conspiracists living in his booze-fuelled head.

Yesterday's TV

Starting today, Yesterday's Knews will be reviewing the top telly programmes and giving you the lowdown on what to watch on the box.

Tuesday

10:00pm C-um Dancing - Latino dancers glide across the milked up floor, in their sequined crotchless under-crackers.

10:30pm Fanny By Gaslight - Period drama, in tonight’s episode, Charles eventually gets gas installed at Cokhall Manor, so that he no longer has to wipe up the waxy residue from his large candle, whilst Fanny awaits the gas-mans arrival to erect his piping up her flue..

11:00pm Chocolate StarGate SG2 - Fantasy Adventure, Captain Brownhole discovers a new stargate and probes it with his large weapon. Major Buttman asks Commander Emma Roid to keep a tight grip of Corporal Punishment as his form has wained recently, but she soon licks him into shape.

Stay tuned for our next TV review.

World's Tallest Man Saves Dolphin

The world's tallest man saved two dolphins this week. Mongolian herdsman, Bao Xishun, used his 1.06m long arms to remove plastic shards from inside the dolphin's stomach's. Mr Bao, aged 54 and 7ft 8.95 inches tall was given the cleaning bill of a number of onlookers after waving to his friend during the extraction and splattering the public with rotten fish and dolphin bile.

It is believed that this may start a trend with record holders trying to out do each other with their acts of heroism. Yesterday's Knews reporters have learnt that Indias fattest man, Ima Skineebugga, who weighs in at 3 and a half stone, will attempt to eat the parasites off a blue whale, whilst the worlds oldest man, Wi Go'on, believed to be 392 years old, is currently at base camp at the foot of Everest, preparing to remove painful piles from the Yeti with his shrivelled gums.