Yesterday's TV Today

Hello again. Now we realise that many of our fans out there might be sitting around wondering what might be on TV tonight in a totally made-up, total rip-off of Charlie Brooker’s seminal website TVGoHome but nowhere near as funny – type way.

Well, we don’t like to disappoint you so here are some snippets for tonight so don’t say we don’t ever give you anything you ungrateful pigs.


7.00 pm Heil Terry! Terry Wogan takes a light-hearted look at Nazi Germany and re-enacts some memorable moments with the help of fellow TV stars Patrick Mower, Sue Cook and Art Malik.
This week: 'The Night of the Long Knives'. Terry orders the execution of former ally Ernst Rohm (Gaby Roslin). Guest-starring John Virgo as the knives.

7.45pm Travels with Mr T He ain't gettin’ on no plane fool but A-Team star Mr T takes us on an overland trek through the Atacama Desert armed only with some nuts and bolts that were carelessly discarded by a seemingly ruthless band of American crimelords, and a supply of cabbages. Will he miraculously stumble upon all the raw materials he needs to build an armoured tank and rescue the imprisoned nuns held by bloodthristy Nicaraguan mercenaries? What do you think fool?

8.45 pm Maxibonbon! Madcap Spanish gameshow hosted by Brian Dennehy. Childless couples compete against each other in a series of zany tasks and challenges to win a baby's worth of vouchers from the Gilbert Deya Ministries.

9.45 pm Captain Birdseye's Video Diaries What's the Cap'n up to this week? He's only gone and scuttled six Bosnian sailors in Bottomy Bay. See exclusive pictures and special behind-the-porthole action.

10.15 pm Mr Wendal One-off musical dramatising the story of the hard-hitting Arrested Development hit of the early 90's about a homeless drifter. Starring David Suchet as the African-American itinerant and featuring the cast of now sadly defunct five soap Family Affairs as the government conspiracists living in his booze-fuelled head.

Yesterday's TV

Starting today, Yesterday's Knews will be reviewing the top telly programmes and giving you the lowdown on what to watch on the box.

Tuesday

10:00pm C-um Dancing - Latino dancers glide across the milked up floor, in their sequined crotchless under-crackers.

10:30pm Fanny By Gaslight - Period drama, in tonight’s episode, Charles eventually gets gas installed at Cokhall Manor, so that he no longer has to wipe up the waxy residue from his large candle, whilst Fanny awaits the gas-mans arrival to erect his piping up her flue..

11:00pm Chocolate StarGate SG2 - Fantasy Adventure, Captain Brownhole discovers a new stargate and probes it with his large weapon. Major Buttman asks Commander Emma Roid to keep a tight grip of Corporal Punishment as his form has wained recently, but she soon licks him into shape.

Stay tuned for our next TV review.

World's Tallest Man Saves Dolphin

The world's tallest man saved two dolphins this week. Mongolian herdsman, Bao Xishun, used his 1.06m long arms to remove plastic shards from inside the dolphin's stomach's. Mr Bao, aged 54 and 7ft 8.95 inches tall was given the cleaning bill of a number of onlookers after waving to his friend during the extraction and splattering the public with rotten fish and dolphin bile.

It is believed that this may start a trend with record holders trying to out do each other with their acts of heroism. Yesterday's Knews reporters have learnt that Indias fattest man, Ima Skineebugga, who weighs in at 3 and a half stone, will attempt to eat the parasites off a blue whale, whilst the worlds oldest man, Wi Go'on, believed to be 392 years old, is currently at base camp at the foot of Everest, preparing to remove painful piles from the Yeti with his shrivelled gums.

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Yesterday's Knews

Yesterday's Knews

B.A. Cross With Cross Wearing Emplyee

B A has yet again come under fire for banning another of its employees from wearing religious symbols outside of their uniforms. Christian symbolism is apparently the main area of concern for the failing airline at present.

The employee who is currently off on unpaid leave who did not wish to be named confirmed, “I was shocked to say the least when I was asked to put my cross away as I have seen other colleagues wearing symbols of their religion. I was working at terminal 2 at Heathrow when I was asked by management to stop processing passengers for their flight. I was asked to go to a side room used by personnel and made to feel that I had done something wrong. When I was asked to remove my cross I was struck dumb but not by god I hasten to add.”

The employee looked visibly stressed at this moment but managed to continue, “I was informed that I must remove the cross and to go back to work. I felt I was being discriminated on religious grounds and refused to remove the cross. I am very upset by this situation and wish people would be more tolerant of all religions. Yes it may be big and a little cumbersome but I feel I need to let people see that I am a devout Christian.”

Under rules drawn up by BA's 'diversity team' and 'uniform committee', Sikh employees can even wear the traditional iron bangle - even though this would usually be classed as jewellery - while Muslim workers are also allowed prayer breaks during work time.
The employee explained that the cross was not jewellery but an expression of their deep Christian faith.

The employee said last night: "I will not hide my belief in the Lord Jesus. British Airways permits Muslims to wear a headscarf, Sikhs to wear a turban and other faiths religious apparel. The B.A. employee in question would not allow us to view the cross that has brought so much, media interest. However, we do have a picture of the cross being worn by the employee prior to their sending home.

It has been three weeks now that the BA employee has been placed on unpaid leave. We asked a BA spokesperson what the current situation is.

Mrs M Luther confirmed, “Unfortunately a current employee has been sent home due to the wearing of a religious symbol that breaches our employment dress code policy. We asked the employee to remove the said symbol, however they refused and we had no choice but to send them home. The matter is now being handled by a tribunal and as such we are unable to comment any further on the matter. However I will say that the health and safety issues the employees cross has brought up needs to be addressed. We had a few complaints from passengers tripping over the cross in question. This has to stop the costs in court cases has increased ten fold in the last year alone. ”


When asked if other non Christians were still able to wear religious symbols of their faiths she replied, “Yes they are but we feel that a cross can be deemed offensive to other employees and passengers within the terminals of Heathrow.”

The tribunal is due to start in two weeks time. The employee said, “You have to have faith and hope in such matters” and perhaps a very good solicitor as well Yesterdays Knews feels.

Cold Nipples Nearly Cripples Nude model at art class

A nude model who poses for still life art classes has gone on strike because the room where she works is too cold. At one stage it has been alleged that icicles had formed on the models personage.
Daphne Jutland said she had been left with a stiff neck and sore shoulders and rather frosty ripples because of a faulty air conditioning unit at Derby College.

It has been that cold lately my nipples have been like glass cutters. It was so bad last Monday the art students were hanging their coats on my nip nops like a coat stand.

The 44-year-old from Sand batch said she had "never encountered such difficult conditions", and she was refusing to pose again until the chilly problem is solved. “I very much doubt anyone would accept the offer of a few drops of anti-freeze on my raspberries as a viable solution to the problem as suggested by the vice-principle.”

Mark Woods, college vice-principal, stuttered to Yesterdays Knews: "We've provided heating and I'm not sure what else we can do. As for my joke about anti-freeze I was trying to merely warm the situation up. I have tried to get a better look at the problem but Ms Jutland keeps covering herself up. I am a very hands on type of person but in this case my hands have been tied"

We have been informed by a medical specialist that in years to come we could witness the first person to develop arthritis of the nipples if this matter is not addressed.

Man Speechless After Pub Raid

A 65 year old man was left speechless on Monday, after a thug stole his voice at knifepoint.
The un-named man called Barry, who uses an electronic device to talk, had his machine snatched away from him during an armed robbery in a Wirral bar.

The robbery occurred at around 1.30 a.m., as the man was locking up the pub at which he works in Prenton. A man wearing a ski-mask and holding a knife burst into the bar and threatened the worker. Police have confirmed that the thief was not wearing skis on his feet as originally reported by a rival newspaper.

Holding him at knifepoint, he first insisted that the man empty the till, and then demanded to be taken to the safe. When the bar man asked the thief if he had a ski pass he was hit with an avalanche of abuse.

As a parting gesture, after ransacking both the cash register and the safe – stealing around £800 in the process – the thief also grabbed the man's electronic speaking device and pocketed it, before running off into the night. The bar man was left speechless after the incident, which is understandable giving the circumstances.

A witness who did not wish to be named, who saw the thief’s escape was able to confirm some details to us.

“I was walking home at about 1.25am after being to my local Boot Scoot Club for a night of line dancing. I was walking passed my local pub balancing my kebab in one hand whilst fumbling in my pocket for my keys.”

The witness did not confirm if he had chilli sauce on his kebab or not.

“I was no more than one hundred yards away when I could hear a disturbance behind me. To my shock, as I turned in the direction of the pub I could see a man of about average height wearing black clothing and a ski mask on his head. I watched as he burst out of the pub door and ran at some great speed down the road towards a car. He was shouting in a strange Dalek type of voice back towards the pub. I could distinctly hear him shout See you later granddad and Exterminate, exterminate, I am a Dalek. Before he entered the car and drove away at some speed. I was that shocked I almost spilt my kebab on the floor. I rushed to the pub to see Barry one of the staff stagger out into the street. I asked him what had happened but he was unable to tell me as his voice had been stolen, what a swine. A police car pulled up outside the pub about thirty minutes later I gave a statement and was allowed home.”

Police have not issued a description of the voice box in question but we believe it has no resemblance to a Dalek at all. A few days after the incident another man claimed he too had had his voice stolen in a separate incident. However, it has now been dismissed as an unconnected incident as it has been established that the person had merely caught a cold.

Double Amputee in High Speed Chase

A double amputee has been jailed after leading police on a high speed chase.

Ivor Legoff, 51, used modified broom handles on the peddles and was chased over 3000 miles at speeds of over 275 miles an hour!!

Traffic cop Ima Bhadriva told the court that Mr Legoff was seen driving his Ford Probe erratically and was asked to pull over but refused and sped off. The chase only ended after Mr Legoff lost control and the probe entered an overgrown bush.

Mr Legoff was asked by Officer Bhadriva whether he had been drinking, to which he replied "Can't you see I'm legless!!".

Two other amputees where in the vehicle at the time and both tried to stop Mr Legoff. Billy Noarms, 33, and Justha Tourso, 42, where thrown around in the back of the vehicle during the accident, but received no serious injuries.

In sentencing, Judge Sendijm Downe told Mr Legoff "Using brooms to control your vehicle could have caused harm to both yourself and innocent bystanders, a brick wedged with a block of wood would have been much better...and safer".

In addition to the 12 month sentence, Judge Downe banned Mr Legoff from driving "Until your legs grow back..."

Ding Dong Smell

As Christmas approaches bad news has hit Berlin. The city has been struck by a severe Santa drought that is causing major concern to Berliners.

The Santa’s R Us agency that supplies Santa’s to families in the city warned today that they had less than a third of the Santa’s that would be required to meet the city's Santa needs. Adolph Heinz, Ober-Weinachtsmann (chief Santa Claus) of the Santa’s R Us agency, said:
'We need at least 300 Santa’s to meet the demand but we only have about 100 signed up so far. I blame the recent clampdown on paedophiles that has hit the country. I am afraid a lot of them have gone underground for fear of reprisals. The Government is wrong to persecute people in this way.'

We explained to Mr Heinz that the safety of young children is paramount and surely an agency like his should understand the damage these people could cause children through their vile deeds.

"Children, who cares about the children I am thinking of the profit. At this rate I will be out of pocket by a great many thousand Euros. The Government wants to start caring about businessmen like me and sod the children."

Each Santa will visit, on average, around a dozen families, bringing seasonal good cheer, presents and a 15% cut of their fees to the agency.

'In a lot of families in Berlin it's a tradition that carries on even after the children grow older and stop believing,' Heinz said, this shortfall is damaging business.
Any Berliners who fancy earning some money, or who just really like the colour red, are advised to contact Mr Heinz. 'I prefer chubby men, of course, ideally with a real beard plus a great set of buns but as for the Santa’s we're not picky and take what we get. However, we have had to turn away a large amount of tramps who have applied for the post' he notes.

When we asked Mr Heinz why so many have been turned away when there is a shortfall in Santa’s he replied, "The thing is they stink and I just don’t like my Santa’s to smell. God knows what their sacks smell of, the state some of them have been in. In my view they should all be put in a camp somewhere and made to work for as pittance until they die."

The search for Santa’s in Berlin continues however, Mr Heinz is not optimistic.

Yesterday’s Knews Book Review.

This weeks Top 10 of Books.

1.Moby Dick- The John Holmes Story- an Auto-Biographical look at the Adult star in this full exposure.

2. Schindlers List- Just what did Her Schindler buy from the ALDI store between 1943-1944.

3. Voyage Of The Dawn Trader- CS Lewis’ Diary of a Lady of the Night.

4. OF Mice And Men- Kafka's homage to Steinbeck’s novel with a twist as a man develops female reproductive organs and has to find a 24 hour chemist before it’s too late.

5. To Kill A Mockingbird- How to kill birds and other livestock for pleasure.

6. The Diary Of Adrian Mole- An insight into what it is like to be a mole living through crop rotation during a year at a typical British farm.

7. From Here To Eternity – ZaZa Gabor on her worst marriages and celebratory divorces.

8. Tinker Taylor Soldier Spy- This brutal and frank description of trying to find a job in1950’s Britain when you are Gay.

9. Fiddler On The Roof - Convicted paedophile’s roof top protest how it was allowed to happen. One mans searching indictment of the modern prison system.

10. Fanny By Gaslight- This warm endearing book on one woman’s search for enlightenment through the underground sexual revolution of the Edwardian period.

Ginger Storm Trooper Nazi Cringer

A shop owner in Hackensack, New Jersey has been asked to remove the contents of his shop window after complaints from local residents about its contents. The offending contents of the shop window were storm trooping gingerbread men. The local police chief has confirmed that complaints have been received due to the little ginger Nazis.

The owner of the shop Klaus Barbie was shocked to find the little goose-stepping treats were hard to swallow by the local residents. We spoke to the shop owner for a response. “Mien Gott has the world gone mad? They are only little baby gingerbread men what is wrong with that? Has this great country suddenly gone anti-ginger all of a sudden? I see no reason why there has been such a fuss about the whole matter.”

We were allowed to view the alleged offensive gingerbread men under police supervision in the back of the shop. This was only after exhaustive meetings with the mayor’s office and city police representatives. Unfortunately we were not allowed to take any pictures of the storm trooping Nazi gingerbread men so we have had an artist draft a picture of what one of the offending men would have looked like.

It is understandable why the local authorities felt that the fascistic gingerbread men crossed a line after people started complaining.

The gingerbread men were created by local artist Adolphus Smits, who has displayed his works in Barbie's store window before. Barbie said of Smits' goose-stepping little treats: 'He's gone way overboard at times. A few of his other displays were on the edge, but I would never say they were offensive.'

The ruckus over the gingerbread Nazis might not be entirely unexpected given Smits's 'on the edge' display from last year – featuring a little boy using his new chemistry set to manufacture crystal meth, and a snowman beating up carol singers and urinating over their open mouths whilst using his carrot in a strange manner.

Smits defended his work, saying: 'I can differentiate between real Nazis and that the atrocities they performed compared to these little gingerbread men, but I guess some people can't.'
'Maybe I just find beauty in bizarre places,' he added, ruefully.

Fans of Smits art will be pleased to know that one element of his work currently remains in place – a young Jesus pulling the wings off an angel.

In next weeks Weekend Magazine:
Tom Hanks: Why I hate being a Cockney Rhyming Slang.
We name and shame the group of MP’s who took the goods and refused to pay up. Read all about it in our rent boy special.
Hollywood’s current craze hits Britain. We report on the recent trend for stars who have their foreskin sewn back on. in our exclusive, Foreskin Hell by Graham Norton.
One finger or two we ask our finger licking celebrities do they prefer one finger or two in our special report. Michael Barrymore and Dale Winton go finger crazy over the new three finger special edition "Fistlove"

Penguin Beat Bond at US cinema

Actor Daniel Craig denied that a small penguin wupped his Lillie white a$s in America this week. "Listen you smuck I’m James Bond and no stupid fool of a penguin is going to take me out." The actor retorted.

We were standing outside his Hollywood hotel when the actor’s chauffer driven limousine pulled up. Mr Craig looking less than happy with himself glared into our camera as we bombarded him with questions. The news had just hit the headlines that Bond had been flipper slapped by a bunch of girly penguins.

"This is a total fabrication by the media in Hollywood due to the fact that on the opening day our movie didn’t make as much as their movie. I wasn’t even in the North Hollywood Cinemaplex on the alleged day. I don’t know where these rumours come from. Do I look like a man who would be flipper slapped by a freaky animal? It stinks of fish for god’s sake."

We left Mr Craig fuming on the roadside as we left in pursuit of the now famous penguin Mumbles.

We found the happy penguin in a local 7-11 picking up the groceries for the week. He was immaculately dressed in an Armani suit. A slight graze could visibly be seen above his left eye.
When we asked for his comments on the events aired in the local press he replied, "Look don’t get me wrong I can understand why someone supposedly brave, strong and ultra macho as Mr Bond wants to deny what happened. Look at me do I look like the kind of penguin who would make these things up?" Mumbles flashed us one of his famous smiles as he tap danced down the isles of the 7-11.

"I think he needs to wake up and smell the coffee, there is a new all action hero in town and he knows it. He’ll be smelling fish on his kipper for weeks. I slugged him that hard he needed emergency dentistry by all accounts."

We could not get any confirmation of this from Mr Craig’s representatives.

"I was minding my own business in the Floozy Woozy Bar on 8th and 2nd Street when this supposedly professional actor bumped into me spilling my Dakari out of my hand. I asked the smuck to apologise but he merely gave a stupid grin and carried on walking towards the exit door. I weighed up the options and thought why not, I can take him. He walked into the local cinemaplex and headed for the toilets. I followed him and walked into the toilets just as he was washing his hands at the sink. We didn’t speak but I had to do something so I peed all over his nice leather shoes. He tried to bend down and pick me up and that’s when I pistol whipped him with my right flipper. Whamo Slamo he went down like a bag of $hite. As he was on the floor I looked down at him and remember shouting- I’m the daddy now. I left the bozo counting birdies and stars."

No confirmation has been made with regards to a re-match fight taking place when their new movies come out next Fall

Police Try To Stifle Toilet Terrorists War Of Turds

The Avon and Somerset Police are investigating a spate of violent toilet related incidents in and around the Bath area. A number of attacks have been made of a toilet kind at certain toilet facilities in the area. Police have unfortunately been combing the area for clues to the culprit's identity.

Chief Inspector Colin Faggot confirmed today at a hastily arranged conference, “This person or thing concerned has to be caught no matter what. The amount of damage that has been caused so far is astronomical to say the least. We have been studying the evidence very closely but to date we have not had a breakthrough yet. Our top forensic officers have picked through the evidence but to no avail. The toilets near the Avon Street Coach Park has been the straw that broke the camel's back I am afraid. Before anyone asks, no we do not have a camel within the Avon and Somerset Constabulary. The utter wilful damage to those toilets has been shocking indeed. I have seen some sights in my 20 year career within the police force but this makes the others pale into insignificance.”

We have been informed that for a period of four months someone or some thing has been defecating all over the public toilets in and around the bath area. It has caused hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of damage to the property. Some attendants have been hospitalised due to the distressing scenes found within these premises.

Funding to install blue lighting in ten of Bath’s public toilets had been secured by Bath & North East Somerset’s Community Safety Partnership – which includes Avon and Somerset Police and the Council.

Blue lighting has proved to be an effective way to prevent drug addicts using public toilets to inject drugs as it makes it extremely difficult for them to see their veins. But the Avon and Somerset Police and Council had no warning of what would happen next.

Cllr Frost confirmed, “The toilets and wash basin areas were smeared with human excrement. The smell was so abhorrent that a public health warning had to be issued due to the severity of the rotten smell emitting from the targeted premises. Each toilet was left unflushed and filled to the brim with the liquidised foul rotten excreta. If anyone has any information we can follow through on we would be most grateful. You can contact the Avon and Somerset Police on their hotline on the usual number. A fund had been set up to help with the costs of the damage. Any small deposit the public wish to leave to help in the restoration of the targeted amenities will be welcome. With the help from the general public the Police are hoping to have something more solid to go on soon.”

Birdwatchers Twitch at Swallow In Bits

Birdwatchers rushed to see a wild bird that hasn’t been seen in Britain for over 20 years. The sighting took place near Stockport, Greater Manchester. The Twitchers, (people who stalk birds) as they are called, had been watching and twitching at the greater yellow rumped swallow for 20 minutes when all hell broke out at the scene.
“I was watching the graceful little swallow through my specialist all terrain combat binoculars when the swallow landed on a TV aerial of a council house. All of a sudden this little bleeder of a sparrow hawk came out of nowhere, swooped down and ate the Yellow Rumped Swallow right in front of our eyes.” Group member Mike Sprigget confirmed.

“We were horrified. We had only telephoned other enthusiasts to come and see the swallow, and then had to call them back to say it had been eaten by an f’n sparrow hawk. It’s terrible the amount of money wasted on phone calls just because of some lazy b’stard sparrow hawk who couldn’t be arsed to go and get his food somewhere else.” Andy Green, fellow twitcher stated at the scene.

The yellow rumped swallow isn’t normally seen any further than North America.

An RSPCA spokesman added: “Sadly it’s just one of those things. Last week we had a call about a Gorilla who dressed up as a New York policeman and was found trying to bum a George Michael look-a-like on Hampstead Heath, these things happen.”

When we asked the group of twitchers what happened immediately after the attack Mike Sprigget replied, “We killed the little toe rag didn’t we, after all who was going to pay our mobile phone bills. I have his head on a biro pen in my car if you want to see it?” We declined his offer and reported him to the Bill Oddie Foundation for cruelty to endangered birds.

Jail Birds Demand A Bit Of Hot Meat In Prison

The country has gone mad yet again in the build up to Christmas this year. A group of prisoners have successfully argued that the government shouldn’t have allowed its prisoners to suffer cold-turkey treatment when they should have been allowed to eat warm turkey for their festive meal.

The group calling itself the seasonal six have been informed that they have a case. The prisoners are poised to win undisclosed pay-outs after suing the Home Office because they were forced to eat cold meat last Christmas it was revealed.

Meat charity CarnivorScope said the group of six inmates were on the verge of settling out of court with the prison service.

The case – alleging the “cold turkey” treatment they were forced to undergo amounted to assault – was scheduled to start at the High Court.

The size of the payouts under discussion has not been revealed. But the compensation levels are due to be finalised on Tuesday or Wednesday, legal sources said.
High Court judge Mr Justice Beef-Wellington gave the go-ahead in May for a full hearing of the case. When finally resolved this week, the compensation by the Prison Service – may be potentially running into tens of thousands of pounds of warm fine choice cuts of meat.
Mr Justice Beef-Wellington said in May: "All claim that their treatment was handled inappropriately and so they suffered injuries and had difficulties with their withdrawal."
Barrister for the claimants Arthur Nutcuttlet told the court at the time: "Many of the prisoners were receiving warm chicken or beef before they entered prison and were upset at the short period of treatment using opiates they encountered in jail. The cold ham and spam were particularly hated by the inmates. The incident on Christmas day was a fridge cooled meat too far. Imposing the short, sharp detoxification is the issue."
The prisoners were bringing the action based on trespass, because they say they did not consent to the treatment, and for alleged clinical negligence.
They also claimed human rights breaches under Articles 3 and 14 of the European Convention on Human Rights, which ban discrimination, torture or inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment and Article 8, which enshrines the right to respect for private life.
A Home Office spokeswoman said: "It would be inappropriate to comment because the litigation is still ongoing. I must add however that it is the first time a prisoner at this prison has complained about being forced a bit of meat. Some of the prisoners on “B” Wing can’t get enough of it."
We have however, managed to get a statement from one of the prisoners via secret communication at the prison. Basher Bates who has only recently been imprisoned for life for killing a man with his bare hands, confirmed, “It is deeply regretted that the situation has gone this far. We just couldn’t live without our warm meat its bad enough we have to spend our lives in small confined cells but this was too much. No human should be allowed to go through this type of treatment again, we are not criminals we are the victims in all of this. Some of the lads have had to resort to getting a bit of hot meat in the shower room.” We must state that the term getting a bit of hot meat in this case refers to the act of placing cold cuts of meat on the steam pipe and letting the steam heat it up. The case continues.

Coming Soon In Our New "Weekender" Magazine!

How Elton Got his Boyfriend To Blow His Wad in Harrods Shopping Bender.

Sadam: Have I Got Noose For You - I Will Not Go Down For A Long Stretch.

Barrymore Denies Glory Hole Moment In £1.99 Kids Paddling Pool.

George Bush: Why I Like To Spank The Monkey Everyday!

Dogs Anus Centre of Jesus Probe

We have had a report of the latest in a long line of miraculous apparitions of the image of Our Lord. After Jesus has been recently spotted appearing in spilled hot chocolate, dental x-rays, shrimp and a Tampax, a reader sends us evidence that He has appeared on the bottom of a dog.
The dog's name is Crawford MacDougall, and he is a very cute three-year-old terrier mix. The image of Jesus can be clearly seen in the fur surrounding his @nus.

The owner of the dog informed us when interviewed, “I woke up one morning and noticed Crawford’s cute little tush wagging in my face. I got out of bed and took a deeper inspection of his @nus and after brushing the fur from his bum hole and stroking the area with my finger I probed his anus and was shocked to see Jesus looking back at me. The sunlight was shining through the window it was like I was awash with the morning glory of Christ himself.” Ever since that sanctified day, the image of Jesus has graced Crawford’s buttocks.
The owners wife added, 'This is truly a holy event,' and 'It's hard to understand the meaning of this appearance, but one thing is for sure, that dog's bum looks incredibly like Jesus. However, when Crawford goes for his number 2’s it does seem to change appearance but it soon goes back to normal.”

When we asked the owners to explain the two large dangling testicles they insisted this was Jesus’ wings in the relaxed position. “My husband hasn’t been able to stop touching Crawford’s bum hole since the image first appeared. I think he is expecting a miracle but no matter how much he touches it, it just seems to look back at him in silence. He hasn’t washed his hands for days. I think he is obsessed with the whole thing.”

The apparition has caused a stir in the religious world and it has been rumoured that the Pope may be visiting Crawford shortly in America. No confirmation of this trip has been made by the Vatican nor could anyone tell us if the Pope would be kissing Crawford’s ring or Crawford kissing the Popes. Hundreds of deeply religious people have flocked to see this miracle. Crawford apparently has been a little uneasy about the number of people taking a keen interest in his @nus. One visitor explained, “It’s a message, a holy message I am sure of it but I just cannot put my finger on it. At the moment”

A spokesman for the family confirmed to Yesterday’s Knews, “This thing is getting bigger every day, the story that is not Crawford’s @nus. The internet has increased the interest rapidly. Even President Bush has responded to the holy image, “I feel this is a message from God letting the American people know that I was right to go to war in Iraq. Mr Bush has set up a special agency and sanctioned a probe into Crawford’s @nus.”

Farmer Bares All To Jesus

A man who climbed a 45-foot tall statue of Jesus to pray for a miracle cure saw his plan backfire slightly, when he fell off, breaking several bones.
Farmer Jonas Baptistas climbed up the statue of Jesus in Ocaca, Columbia in front of a crowd of onlookers – and TV cameras – in an attempt to be cured of his epilepsy. Unfortunately Jonas had forgotten to wear underwear under his biblical style robe. On lookers at the scene insisted that they could see the devils face smiling from Jonas’ bare bum.

One on looker, Maria Ortega fainted at the scene and was rushed to the nearest hospital. We interviewed her at her hospital bed and she informed our reporter, “It was the ugliest face I have ever seen. It was like the devil himself was laughing at me. His mouth was wide open and I could see his horrible brown gnarled teeth.” Our reporter informed Mrs Ortega that it was in fact Jonas’ bare bum she had been looking at. Mrs Ortega blessed herself and cried with relief, “I thought I was looking into the pit of hell my god does the man never wipe his behind?”
Whilst Jonas stood at the top of the statue people who had gathered around threw clothing to him in order to stop others from fainting too. Whilst at the top of the statue, he prayed for a few moments, then started to get dressed into the clothing he had been given, it had been raining, which made Jesus quite slippery.

As he tried to negotiate a tricky arm in shirt manoeuvre he slipped but managed to hold onto Jesus' outstretched arm, Jonas dangled for a moment, before losing his grip, falling, bouncing off the plinth and then falling some more.

As he was laying on the floor in a daze a part of the crowd started attacking him for insulting Jesus’ statue. On the plus side, he survived. Which is a miracle of sorts.

He was taken to hospital, where he was diagnosed with multiple fractures to his wrist, hip and skull and strangely enough his rectum. Police are questioning a local priest over the incident.
Our reporter asked the chief of police, Raul Quinto Pinto if the priest was being questioned for causing part of the crowd to attack Jonas. “No you have it all wrong the priest concerned, Father Jesus De Flengo was not arrested for this. He was arrested for trying to insert a crucifix up the victim’s anus without permission. We have asked our medical experts and they have confirmed that a crucifix up at rectum will most definitely not cure epilepsy as father Quinto Pinto has tried to imply.”

The case has been pended for two months to give the farmer time to recover from his injuries. The removal of splinters from Mr Baptistas rectum had taken surgeons a lot longer than expected we have been informed.

Big Hugs Don't Make Thugs

A school in Hampshire has banned its pupils from giving each other hugs in the class room or playground. It would appear that there has been a trend recently for pupils to greet each other with a hug. The headmistress Mrs Lawlor has banned this trend due to the fact that the friendly greeting may be used to bully pupils at school.

When questioned on the matter Mrs Lawlor replied, “This trend is something that has swept the entire school in the last month or two. It may seem an innocent thing to do but what if you were hugged by one of the 6 form girls, when you didn’t want her attention. You may feel ill at ease to say the least. I just wouldn’t want girls embracing each other this way it could not only be intimidating but intrusive.”

The school girls at The Good Samaritan of The Holy Cross were informed by the teaching staff to not speak to the press on this matter. We spoke to the schools former caretaker Mr Peter File who commented, “I feel this is yet again another example of political correctness gone wrong. I was sacked recently from my job at the school and so I have no problem giving an interview on the matter. The girls are a lovely bunch of people and I found it no problem what so ever seeing them hugging closely with each other. In fact it brought a lump to my throat and a tear to my eye when ever I saw it happening in the playground. I was hugged by the girls a couple of times myself which made me feel warm inside not bullied. Have you ever had a young girl hold you close and squeeze you there is nothing wrong in it?”

We have been unable to confirm why Mr File has been removed from the post of Caretaker. The school has refused to make any further statement on the hugging ban. However, they were happy to deny a ban on breathing at the school has been set in motion as this would be wrong.

Democrats Give Bush a Bruising

In the US, the democratic party are celebrating a huge success in the mid-term elections. The Democrats gained control of the House of Representatives and are close to gaining a majority in the senate.

Republican president George Dubya Bush has scheduled a news conference this evening in which he will state whether he tends to live with his powerful opponents or, as is expected, come out with all guns blazing and retake the House and Senate using military force.

Troops in Afghanistan and Iraq are already being shipped back to the US to retake what one presidential aide calls "The Political Arms of America, from the Al-Queda loving, Nazi loving, Jew Hating, Rascist, Dog Humping, Aids Riddled, Ugly Looking Democrats".

One Yesterday's Knews reporter claims that the president has requested mobilisation of Team America - World Police, to be used in the first attack on what is now being called "The War on Democrats".

Transgender MP takes the P***

In Italy, a row has broken out when a female MP entered a women's toilet to be confronted by a transgender MP.

Former showgirl and now a member of the Fozzi Bertalia party, Maria Stripova, entered the toilets with a whip, and found the MP for Manfredonia allegedly urinating in the sink.

The incident led to Miss Stripova forcing the whip onto transgender MP, Mr Baldo Baggio.

The Bertalia party whip, Enzo Benzo, challenged Mr Baggio, chasing him out of the toilets before physically manhandling him between the cloisters.

Mr Benzo claims that Mr Baggio was "visibly shaking" and "dribbling" but was eventually able to zip up his fly and explain what he was doing in the womens W.C.

To stop this unfortunate incident from happening in the future, Mr Baggio is calling for a third 'transgender' toilet to be installed in the Italian parliament buildings, with vanity set, pluck and wax area and art deco piss trough with matching shaving mirror.

OAP in Illegal Gun Haul

A Penshioner from Wales has been jailed for 5 years after police found 111 weapons in his home.

'Buffulo' Bill Jones, 94 had collected guns since the early 1940's.

During proceedings, Mr Jones' barrister told the court that, "the world was a different place when Mr Jones began his collection. During the 1940's, Mr Jones' hometown of Mfwanny Kradic, was over run with strange, khaki clad men and women, walking around with guns. So, Mr Jones decided to collect weapons for his own protection".

Mr Jones' collection included 32 blunderbuss', 21 flintlock rifles, 16 gatling guns and numerous 'spud guns'. Jones also had a collection of butter knives and 28 pea shooters.

Mr Jones is appealing against his sentence, claiming he had set up his own 'gun amnesty' programme, where people from the local community could hand over their weapons to Mr Jones, who would then send them to a friend doing charity work in the hills of Afghanistan.

Numerous large wooden boxes were found in Mr Jones' house labelled 'Mr Bill Larden, Cave 21, Hindu Kush, Afghantistan A55 0LE'.

Dogs Turn to Drugs to Escape Fireworks

A statement made by the National Veterinary Society today, claims that dogs are turning to hard drugs to escape from their firework nightmares. "Some dogs have been suffering firework distress for many years and are taking to drugs as a last resort", said a spokesperson for the NVS.

Yesterday's Knews investigators have uncovered disturbing statistics regarding dog drug abuse.

The statistics show that almost 90% of the British doggy community have 'dabbled' in drugs, with nearly 50% of 'lady dogs' taking some form of drugs every week. This problem was higlighted recently by British Big Beat band The Prodigy with their charity single "smack my bitch up".

The lack of canine 'drop-off' centre's, were dogs can go to get treatment for their condition, has lead to a large population of hard-core animals turning to burgalry and other crimes. One such dog was caught last week trying to rob the local off-licence. The off-licence owner was able to identify the criminal by his distinctive gruff accent and burberry dog collar which was visible through the blacked out muffler the offender was wearing as a disguise.

Yesterday's Knews have received a photograph of the accomplice to this crime who was spotted at the scene but has not yet been caught, if you see the offender, police are warning the public not to approach him, but call dog nappers on 1234-567-890.

Defoe Hungry for Success

English Premier League player, Jermain Defoe, has apparently been caught on camera biting an opponent. The Tottenham Hotspurs striker is believed to have bitten the arm of West Ham United midfielder Javier Mascherano during Sunday afternoons premiership clash.

Defoe has defended his actions, claiming he reacted to fouls made against him in a 'mischevious' manner, "my character is a bit like that at times", he added.

However, He does agree that his actions did not look great on TV and he told a Yesterday's Knews reporter that "From now on, I'll take out my hungry frustrations on a chinese instead".

Yesterday's Knews can confirm that Manchester City defender Sun Jihai and Sheffield United's Li Tie are preparing for the worst.

New Zealand 'Knicker-Vicar' Saves Blushes

A New Zealand vicar has come to the aid of local women, after the only clothing shop in town stopped selling womens underwear. The 'knicker-vicar' now arranges a regular 'knicker-run' to the nearest large town to stock up on supplies.






"It's always been difficult finding the essentials for women in the bush" reported the vicar, "During the first run we had major problems. The convoy ran into a road-block and we all had to slam-on. Tons of knickers fell off the trucks, there where skid marks everywhere. But this was only a brief problem and we were soon back on track".

Welcome Home Borat?

Officials from Kazakhstan have invited Borat, the controversial Kazak spokesman, to return to his homeland and become 'inducted' into their customs once again.

Borat has stunned the world in his movie 'Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan', and no, thats not a mis-print.

In his movie, Borat portrays Kazakhstan as a nation of misogynists, racists and anti-semites, which Kazak ministers have strenuosly denied. One Official spoke to Yesterday's Knews. "We are not like these people Borat claims. If Borat comes home, he will learn that women can drive cars, wine can be made from grapes and Jews are free to go to synagogues". When asked whether there are any cars, wine or synagogues in Kazakhstan, the official reluctantly replied "Err...no".

To hear Borats response to his critics, click here http://www.borat.tv/response.htm

Clown Conference Opens in Mexico

The 11th convention of the Fraternity of Latin Clowns opened in Mexico City yesterday and continues throughout the week.

The conference is designed to allow clowns to share their experiences.

However, it is also an opportunity for some members to vent their anger at some governments' refusal to acknowledge their existence.





Other clowns have pointed out the serious nature of their business. "Clowning is not something to laugh at", claimed one member, who calls himself Big Brother Clown.

During the week long event, organisers have set up a number of workshops including '10 ways to make magic funny' and 'Clown Hat, helpful friend or lethal weapon?'.

We hope to bring you more news from the clown convention throughout the week.

Madonna and Child

Pop superstar Madonna has defended her actions in adopting a child from Malawi.

Madonna claimed that she had acted according to the laws of adoption and claimed that she wanted to help a child escape a life of hardship and poverty.

This strange policy of adopting children from third world countries by millionaire film and music stars has led some to claim that this is the ultimate fashion accessory. What can you buy someone who has everything?

Our exclusive picture shows the scene as Madonna chose her adopted child with what we believe to be the words "I'll have that one...". The relief on the other children's faces show how fearful they were that they may have been the unfortunate 'chosen one', to go and live with the attention seeking freaks.

Madonna's husband, film director Guy Ritchie, has been noticable in his silence during the adoption process. However, Yesterday's Knews sources claim his next movie will be based on his own personal experiences and will be titled Adopt, Shock and Two Whisky Barrels.

KKK in baby boom experiments

Disturbing pictures revealed today have shown how the Ku Klux Klan are preparing to increase their population through a massive birthrate explosion experiment amongst their followers.

A secret undercover Yesterdays Knews reporter has provided photgraphic evidence of this sickening experiment and we show it here to warn the world of this possible threat to world stability.

Stay here for more news on this ongoing story.

England keeper's turf war

England's 2-0 defeat on Wednesday against Croatia has left the English FA in uproar. The crucial second goal came from a pass-back to the keeper which appeared to hit a divot in the turf and bounced over the attempted clearance by Brit keeper, Paul Robinson.

However, officials in the English FA are claiming that there was a mole in the Croation camp who provided vital assistance in their victory.



Here at Yesterday's Knews we have gained exclusive footage taken of the divot moments after the crucial second goal and our picture here appears to be conclusive.

Softly, softly catchee monkey

Yesterday's story on the Delhi monkey's has opened the worlds eyes to the plight of these forgotten animals. Today however, we look at the other side of the coin as we talk to a local monkey-catcher about his career.

"I have been catching monkeys here in Delhi since I was 5 years old" announced Ayanjit Vajpayee who is now 65. "In the past, most of the monkeys showed respect to their human neighbours, opening doors, helping old ladies across the road, stuff like that. Nowadays though, most of them are out of control". Mr Vajpayee claims that he can capture upto 15 monkeys in anyone day earning around £2 per monkey.

Mr Vajpayee also has a close relationship with one of his captured monkey's although he would not disclose exactly how close.

Indian courts throw out monkeys

India's Supreme court has ordered captured monkey's on the streets of Delhi to be transferred to forests in Madhya Pradesh.

The monkeys have been terrorising the local community for many years, stealing food, binge drinking, stealing cars and hanging around the local temples in 'gangs'. In one incident horrified bureaucrats had their top secret documents ripped up by one gang calling themselves 'the banana bunch'. One gang member spoke to our reporter "What do they expect us to do? There are no jobs for us except for organ grinders assistant or a bit part at the local zoo. Both jobs only pay peanuts, and I only like grapes". In a future report, we look at the plight of the Delhi monkey-catchers.

On hearing the news one local gang member looked visibly shaken.

Let us he-address the situation

In the UK, the House of Commons leader, Jack Straw, has infuriated Muslim women this week, by claiming that Muslim women who wear the veil make community relations difficult.

Over the last few days, numerous Ministers and senior officials have come out and defended Straw's comments.

However, most of the UK believe that all MP's hide behind a 'veil' of lies and secrets and until they remove their mask relations between the public and MP's will always be difficult. Is Jack Straw right? or is he just a right Burkha? You decide...


In the US, Condoleeza Rice backed Jack Straws comments by claiming that she has been asked numerous times to remove her mask, but has been unable to convince the requestee that she isn't wearing one.

Mel Gibson in drunken anti-semitic outburst

Lethal Weapon, Mel Gibson, poured out more than a few beers recently, after being arrested for speeding. On July 28th 2006, Braveheart was stopped for speeding in of all places...Malibu (thats also the name of a type of alcoholic drink for those that don't know).

During his arrest, he claimed that Jews are the cause of all wars and demanded to know if the arresting officer was Jewish.

A spokesman announced today that Gibson's next movie will not be titled, 'My friend Hitler and the fake Holocaust'.

North Korean Nuclear Test

So, North Korea have tested a nuclear weapon...allegedly! Reports in today claim it could well have been a stray US missile from the 1st gulf war. "It wouldn't be the first time we've missed the target", said a US General.

Condemnation has been widespread across the globe. In the UK, Tony Blair frowned, in France, Jacques Chirac shrugged his shoulders.

In the US, George Bush appeared to show concern when he heard that Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are to appear on TV together after their recent bust-up.

"We will not accept this act. We will not allow these people onto our TV screens, terrorising our Nation!".

Bush went on to say "I used to like Kim Jong Il, I thought he was great in Team America".