Fresh Fakes For Sale in Hell's Kitchen

ITV are today facing up to a new faking scandal as reports surface that things on their new reality show Hell’s Kitchen, are not quite what they seem.

We have come into possession of a dossier that clearly proves this programme is a big fat phoney.

The first incident of clear misrepresentation occurred in their promotional literature, where racist Ian Beale-doppelganger, Jim Davidson, was described as “a comedian”. This claim alone would be enough to sink the production’s credibility, seeing as how it has been a matter of public record that the weasel-faced, ginger, bigoted talent-void has never said or done, either accidentally or purposefully, anything funny in his shameful waste of a life.

The misleading of the public continues apace. Likeable Big Brother 2 winner Brian Dowling was billed as a “television presenter”. However, when we conducted a straw poll on the streets of London this morning, no-one from a hundred people asked, could name any programme Mr Dowling has ever presented. (Although, our legal team have asked us to point out the fact that this does not technically constitute proof in a court of law. Well that, and the fact that the only people we could find who would speak to us were tramps, who we plied with Tesco Value lager, and who, unsurprisingly, did not seem to own even one television set amongst them. )

Once you add to these TV crimes (see what we did there?) the revelation that Hell’s Kitchen itself is not even a restaurant but is in fact a temporary television studio done out to be like a restaurant then it is clear that the viewing populace is being defrauded on a massive scale.

We contacted ITV chiefs with our evidence this morning and asked them if they had anything to say on the matter. Shamefully, they dismissed our bombshell claims as “the worst kind of cock” and pointed out the sheer pointlessness of a made-up news-reporting website pretending to be in possession of bogus allegations of imaginary fakery. But then again, they would say that wouldn’t they?

NFL Star Vick ‘Raised By Wolves’

The investigation into the dog fighting ring allegedly run by American Football superstar Michael Vick, yesterday took a most unexpected turn.

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Vick pleaded guilty to organising dog fights and killing those dogs that were not considered tough enough to ‘make the grade’. However, he then dropped a bombshell on prosecutors in an attempt to receive leniency. He claimed that, to him, such behaviour is completely normal owing to the fact that he was brought-up by a pack of wolves.

Vick’s extraordinary affidavit stated that he was abandoned as a child and discovered next to a riverbed by a family of wolves, who took pity on the child and opted to raise him as their own.

Vick argues that his lupine upbringing has left him unable to fully integrate into civilised society, causing him to seek out the company of dangerous dogs for comfort. The only way he could do this, apparently, without revealing his shameful secret, was to run a dog fighting ring.

A tearful Vick could only say at yesterday’s press conference “I don’t wanna take anything away from my mom and pops, Fang and Martin, because I appreciate what they did for me so much. But I got so used to hanging around with big, crazy dog-like creatures with sharp teeth and a vicious blood-lust that I just missed them like crazy.”

What effect this remarkable declaration will have on Judge Clarence Beekes’ sentencing is impossible to predict. However an un-named source close to the judge told us that unless Mr Vick’s actual human parents, Alfred and Marcy, manage to metamorphosise just like Michael J Fox did in 'Teen Wolf' in the courtroom, then he (Vick) is “going down for a ten-stretch, the slag”.

We’re Back. Hooray!

Hello again to our loyal band of readers with too much time on your hands. After a lengthy summer break, your favourite sub-standard, hastily-cobbled-together, made-up news website is back to bring you the stories that no-one else could be arsed to think up.

A lot has happened since we were last bothered to update here, so here is a quick summary of the global news events we missed while we were “away”.

The UK was hit by flash floods causing death (well a few) and devastation throughout Yorkshire and the South-East. Although, judging by the English media coverage you’d be forgiven for thinking they’d suffered a biblical storm so mighty that it could bum rape Hurricane Katrina and make her it’s bitch for life.

Forest fires have raged throughout Greece destroying everything in their wake and killing hundreds of people. Or to put it another way, this is a proper life-threatening disaster on a huge and terrifying scale. But do we see any coverage of this in the British news? Do we shite. Why? Because apparently, dead foreign people don’t count as much as a vicar in Cirencester’s Renault getting a bit damp.

The battle for next year’s US Presidential nominations continued apace with some fascinating televised debates revealing that oh, alright then we didn’t watch any of them. But really, did you? Honestly? Go on then, what happened? Why not let us know in the Comments box below if you can remember any inspiring pieces of oratory and haven’t yet lost the will to live.


And finally, a roundup of news in brief:

Big Brother 8 stumbles pathetically to its conclusion like a Scotsman on his way home from an all-night All-the-fortified wine-you can-drink-for a pound party.

Female celebrities have gone mental:

Britney Spears (pissed/ loony/ bald)

Lindsay Lohan (pissed/ arrested/ pissed/ arrested-again)

Amy Winehouse (pissed/ unwell/ pissed/ married/ pissed/ on drugs/ suicide attempt/ drugs collapse/ rehab/ pissed again/ more drugs/ new Pete Doherty etc,etc,etc)

Barry Bonds made baseball history by breaking Hank Aaron’s all-time home-run record. Oh and the Tour De France was once again blighted by numerous doping offences.

(NB- The preceding two sentences just happen to be next to each other to save space and for absolutely no other reason whatsoever.)

Princess Diana, after 10 years, is still dead.

David Cameron is still a twat.

Aliens Live Among Us?

It is 60 years since the world heard the words flying saucer to depict an unidentified flying object in the sky. And since that moment, millions of people around the globe have claimed to have seen or been visited by beings from another planet. Today we look at some of the reports from the archives of the NUTAS, the National Union of Terrestrial Accounts.

1957, Waco, Texas - Mr Charles Kock saw a large saucepan shaped object flying quickly towards him whilst arguing with his wife. Mr Kock suddenly lost conciousness and was later found on the kitchen floor with a large bruise on his head and a cucumber in his rectum.

1963, Sodhall, Wilts - Mrs Barbara Whire awoke one summers evening to a presence in her room, a humanoid type creature entered her bed and began to babble in an incoherant language, before trying and failing to probe Mrs Whire with a limp flesh like protusion.

1946, Witeshew, Connecticut- Miss Ophelia Tippend was being driven home by her boyfriend when the car unexpectedly ran out of fuel near a layby. Miss Tippend claims that her boyfriend, Mr Airy Bush, was possessed by an alien being and attempted a 'cross gender insemination'. Miss Tippen awoke the next day to find her boyfriend missing and 9 months later, her alien love child was born. The boy, George, was last seen applying for governor of Texas...

PM Brown Takes Credit For Journalist Release

Prime Minister Gordon Brown today announced that he was the driving force behind the sensational release of kidnapped BBC journalist Alan Johnston.

Mr Brown called an emergency press conference at 11am this morning in response to claims from Hamas that they had secured Mr Johnston’s freedom from a rival terrorist group. Addressing the nation’s press the PM said:

“Many of you will have watched last weekend’s thrilling season finale of Doctor Who in which the Doctor, very ably played by my fellow Scotsman David Tennant I must add, released himself, and then the planet Earth, from the evil clutches of The Master by tapping himself into the worldwide psychic network. You remember?

Well, that’s pretty much what I did to obtain Alan Johnston’s release from the evil clutches of The Army of Islam. For the last year now, whilst my predecessor Tony ‘Tony’ Blair was waging war with all and sundry in an inexplicably immoral attempt to assuage his blood-lust, I myself had wired into the universe-wide psychic network. My aim was merely to save Britons in peril as a result of Blair’s crackpot campaign in the Middle East.

Secretly, I had sent my acolytes David Milliband and Ed Balls around the world to persuade every person on the planet to say just one word at precisely 6am this morning. That word was ‘Brown’. The sheer force of six billion people chanting ‘Brown, Brown’ was enough to make the kidnappers spontaneously combust in a huge mushroom cloud of their own faeces and fanaticism. The release of Alan Johnston was then a formality.”

It was put to Mr Brown that no-one present in the room had actually done such a thing, nor had they spoken to anyone who had got up especially early just to start shouting the word Brown. Except comedian Graham ‘Norto’ Norton obviously. But he is known to do this every morning for reasons best kept to himself. Anyway, the PM continued:

“Well of course! That’s the clever bit. After the shit-based psychic channelling managed to release the journalist, I decided to put the world back to the way it was just before-hand so that none of you would remember what grave danger we were all in. And I would have left it at that until those glory-hunting rascals in Hamas decided to steal the credit.”

We tried to get a reaction to the PM’s sensational claims from the Leader of the Opposition, David Cameron. Unfortunately, Mr Cameron was weeping uncontrollably. His child-like wails were only punctuated by a forlorn lament that the Phillips screwdriver in his hand did not magically open stuff like the Doctor’s.

LibDem leader Ming Campbell offered to comment on the controversial speech, but really, life’s too short. So we put Mr Brown’s ‘points’ to the man he replaced as PM, Tony Blair. Mr Blair could only snarl “What an utter fucking one-eyed shitbag.”

Hairdresser Fingered For Armed Raid

A hairdresser accused of helping four men disguise themselves for the biggest robbery in Britain said that she assumed she was making them costumes for a video or theatrical performance, an Old Bailey jury heard yesterday.

Michelle Pigg, 31, from Woolwich, south-east London, was the first person arrested by Kent police over the £53m robbery of the Securitas depot in Tonbridge, Kent, in February last year. She is one of eight pleading not guilty to conspiracy to rob, pilfer, tief and steal and also to handling men’s dicks. She refused to name the four men because she “didn’t know their names”. Or so she says. The lying bitch. (Probably.)

Ms Pigg, who studied theatrical make-up at the London College of Fashion, was arrested the day after the robbery at her home. She had agreed to make the outfits and disguises for the robbers after meeting, then subsequently being vaginally-penetrated over the pool table by, the ringleader, Bill Carr, in an East London public house.

She admitted to making the balaclavas, black-and-white strpey jumpers, cloth caps and Zorro-style eye strips but said that she genuinely believed that Mr Carr and his friends were using these in an upcoming theatre production of Miss Saigon. This so-called production never went ahead.

Ms Pigg was asked by the Prosecuting counsel, Mr Geoffrey Tambor, QC, if she didn’t “smell a rat” when she was then asked to make two-dozen Hessian sacks with the word “SWAG” embroidered on the outside. She replied that she thought these were to represent the mountains of Northern Saigon in the seemingly-rather cut-price production.

Her testimony was shockingly interrupted when Mr Carr shouted several minutes of barely comprehensible cockney abuse at Pigg from the dock. It seemed that Carr was alleging that Ms Pigg is a “slag”, a “fat brass” and a “slack-fannied mess”. He also went on to threaten to “grass her house”, whatever that means.

Following this unexpected interjection, the judge, His Honour Judge Peregrine Falcon, adjourned the case until tomorrow morning.

Don’t Try This At Home

Authorities are concerned that wrestling fans may be tempted to copy the bizarre murder-suicide of WWE star Chris Benoit, a report says today.

The report, published by family action group Campaign for Real American Parents (C.R.A.P), explains that the most vulnerable members of society, children and retards, are also the most likely to be devotees of the WWE. It states:

“There can be huge peer-group pressure amongst groups of under-evolved and, frankly common, wrestling enthusiasts to try to re-create the antics of their heroes. We appeal to them, and their carers, please do not murder your wife and child, before, in a likely fit of guilt and remorse, killing yourself. These acts of psychosis are performed by highly-experienced, immensely drugged-up professionals. Please don’t try this at home.”

We contacted Dr Robert Winston, an expert in child-psychology, to see if the actions of Benoit, nicknamed ‘The Canadian Crippler’, may influence British grapple-fans.

He said “It is certainly true that the very lowest strata of humanity, intelligence-wise, can be the most susceptible to copy-cat behaviour, regardless of the morality of such behaviour. Now, if you were to tell me that most or all of these fuckwits watch this dreadful WWF nonsense obsessively, then I would conclude that yes, it is pretty likely that they will want to ‘ape’ the behaviour of the icons they stare at so blankly on their TV screens.”

Dr Winston failed to back our campaign to ban this filth from our television schedules, however, arguing that whilst “we could be in imminent danger of becoming a nation of over-muscular, freakishly veiny, steroid-munching lycra-wearing, frat-boy freaks-of-nature”, the prospect of losing a few thousand “shit-for-brained, obese peasants” from British society could only be a good thing.

Clarkson Rapped Over Gay Car Jibe

Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson was slammed today by TV regulators for making a homophobic remark on the hit BBC2 show.

In a January edition of the weekly motoring magazine, Clarkson, 44, referred to a car as “a bit ginger beer”, which is thought to be rhyming slang for "queer”, a pejorative term for homosexuals.

OFCOM, the regulatory body responsible for British television, launched an inquiry after receiving five complaints from viewers about the remark. It is not known whether the complainants were actually pillow-biters themselves but “it seems pretty likely”, according to our secret TV source.

After the seven-week investigation was concluded, OFCOM ruled that Clarkson had brought television into disrepute and caused great offence to gays everywhere, pathetic and unattractive women who desperately crave the attention of gays, the car (which is resolutely hetero), the car’s family and friends, ginger beer drinkers, ginger-haired people, ginger nut biscuits and communists.

This is not the first time the plain-speaking TV host and journalist has courted controversy with his no-nonsense remarks. In August 1998 he was reprimanded by his BBC paymasters for saying that the French need to “just fuck off” and he offended many animal-rights activists in November 2003 saying they “should all die like rats”.

Clarkson was unrepentant last night at his luxury home in the Isle of Man. He said he would reluctantly apologise for the remark but not in the way the complainants would be expecting:

“I am sorry…..I suppose. Now I wish I hadn’t gone with the ginger beer reference. I think I ought to have said something more oblique. Like saying the car was ‘a tad lemonade’.”

When questioned as to the relevance of ‘lemonade’ Jezza boomed:

“Come on! The gays love sticking lemons up each other’s arses. And they’ve all got Aids!”

Mick Hits Back At ‘Tight’ Claim

Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger has hit back at claims by his ex-wife Jerry Hall that he was "tight".

In an exclusive chat with our showbiz correspondent, Polly Twatt, a clearly incensed Jagger sought to put the record straight, saying Hall’s claims were “absurd”.

“I have been hanging around with too many degenerate, self-styled bohemian, pretend art-types for the past thirty years for my little freckle to still be tight, I can tell you. I'd say I'm pretty loose, if anything.

She (Jerry) knows as well I do that back in the 70’s me, Elton, Bowie and Freddie always had our fingers up each others’ man-holes. It was just the done thing at the time and so what if I have to wear ManPampers nowadays? I’m loaded aren’t I?”

Jagger did not confirm whether or not he intended to sue Ms Hall for impugning his hard-fought reputation as a thoroughly grubby, debased sexual pervert for our time as he is still in discussions with his legal team, Cuthbert, Dibble & Grub.

We asked top London barrister, Mr Percy Oswestry QC, for his views on the potential court case. He told us that he thought it “unlikely” under the British legal system that a case would be brought to court concerning a matter so “fundamentally unsound”.

Mr Oswestry also informed us that he once “inserted a Toffee Crisp bar into Michael Parkinson’s botty” but had to run away when it started melting.

Our New Blog

Well, we've been at this blog lark on and off for around 8 months now and its been enjoyable. Myself, Greg and Dave have been writing comedy scripts for a number of years and we have now set up a new blog where we will be presenting our sketches. If you enjoy comedy, check out our new blog and give us some feedback. You can find our new blog at http://comedyscripts.blogspot.com/

Cheers

MJ

Oooh La La! ‘Gay’ Paris Set For Jailhouse Skin Flick

Celebrity heiress Paris Hilton now looks certain be sent to be sent to prison next month after her appeal was thrown out today.

In a decision that is bound to horrify the emaciated trollop, California District Judge Dick Nasty ruled that there were no legal grounds to appeal a jail sentence based simply on the basis that the guilty party didn’t really want to go.

He also disregarded the online petition set up by Miss Hilton’s friends and acolytes as irrelevant, saying

“Just because 20,000 simpletons somehow manage to type their names on a pathetic and frankly illiterate plea for mercy on behalf of a convicted criminal, it matters not a jot to me. I have already gone to substantial expense setting up special spy cameras throughout the KD Lang Memorial Detention Center and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to return on my investment!”

With her appeal now failed, Miss Hilton is due to begin her sentence on 5th June and we can reveal that her fellow prisoners are eagerly awaiting her entrance. There is palpable excitement within the prison that anyone fortunate enough to bag themselves a bit of enforced lesbianism with Hilton, on hidden camera of course, will inevitably attain fame and notoriety of their own.

Our pornography correspondent, Tom Hank, believes there is already a fierce bidding war taking place between the adult movie world’s most powerful players for the exclusive rights to the as-yet unmade feature. The un-named smut-merchants who are offering in excess of $10 million for the 'banged up' girl-on-girl filth are thought to be Terry "The Assman" Lawson and Spank Productions overlord John Leslie.

One thing we do know for sure is that Miss Hilton looks certain to increase her already obscene personal fortune when the movie is finally “accidentally” released later next month.

Hugh Bully! Actor Grant Accused Of Being a Bean Turd

Actor Hugh Grant has been arrested over an allegation of assault with a deadly weapon after battering a photographer with a tin of baked beans.

Snapper Ian Watkins told the Daily Jugs newspaper he was kicked in the groin before the vicious attack with the beans.

Apparently Grant was enraged that the paparazzo had been standing around taking photographs of his own genitalia instead of capturing “action shots” of Mr Grant leaving his agent’s office in Mayfair.

Grant, 46, demanded that Mr Watkins “put that thing away” and “do your job, please, if err, it wouldn’t , you know, err be too much trouble, err, err”

The terrifying ordeal was witnessed by a local shopkeeper, Beverley Allitt, who said that Grant was clearly provoked by the snapper who wittily told Mr Grant to “clear off back to Notting Hill, actor boy”. Grant took a moment to fully absorb the cruel and hateful barb, before running straight at the pap and delivering a massive boot to his testicular area.

Sensing that this was clearly insufficient punishment for such a disgraceful verbal offensive, Hugh Grant then went into his suit jacket pocket and pulled out a tin of Heinz beans. Grant then proceed to smash the snapper’s head in with the beans, raining down blows and only pausing briefly when the tin burst open, to greedily gobble up the split baked bean goodness that only Heinz can deliver.

Eventually, with his blood-lust craved by the astonishing rampage, Grant is believed to have taunted his alleged victim with a tin of All-day Breakfast saying that he was “a no-mark” and that he “would never make it in life to enjoy gourmet treats such as tinned eggs, bacon, beans and sausages made out of chicken.” After devouring the whole tin without cutlery (eyewitnesses stated that the actor used his improvisation skills and used the chicken-sausages as a knife and fork) Grant left the scene and did not re-emerge until his arrest yesterday.

We asked the amiable comedians and co-hosts of the Friday Night Project, Justin Lee Collins and Alan Carr, to sum up the effect this might have on Hugh Grant’s career. And to end the piece with a few fairly inoffensive puns, obviously. Justin said:

“The Grant, he does love his Heinz doesn’t he? Well he’s gonna be looking forward to receiving 57 varieties of bum rape if he gets sent down for this!”

Alan ooh-erred “And the next sausages he’ll be eating, won’t be made out of chicken either.”

Justin retorted “No Al, they’ll be cocks.”

Napkin-Sleeve Crow In Skiddy Knickers Shocker

Singer Sheryl Crow has said a ban on using too much toilet paper should be introduced to help the environment.

When asked how much was too much Crow responded with the astonishing suggestion that any more than “one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required".

The 45-year-old, who originally made the comments on her website, has just toured the US on a biodiesel-powered bus to raise awareness about climate change.

She teamed up with environmental activist and wife of comedy genius Larry David with the disturbingly-familiar sounding name, Laurie David, for the shows. The pair targeted 11 university campuses to persuade students to help combat the world's environmental problems.

Our reporter quizzed Crow on what she meant by a “pesky occasion” to which she replied “you know, plop-plops, making big toilet?” The lavatory correspondent of a downmarket tabloid newspaper asked Crow to confirm if by this she meant “having a shite” but the singer was unwilling to confirm this.

Crow defended her crackpot scheme against claims that it was unworkable and, well, a crackpot scheme by saying that two to three sheets was a luxury to anyone in the Armed Forces, who, apparently, only get one sheet each and have to wrap it around their index finger, only to then stick said finger up their fundaments to carefully extract the faeces from the anus.

Crow said it was a straight choice for us all to make “We can either all get used to having a bit of ass stuck under our fingernails or drown to death in a global warming tidal wave or something”.

Crow's environmental opinions are not limited to toilet paper. She also believes paper napkins "represent the height of wastefulness". So she has therefore designed a clothing line which features a detachable "dining sleeve" that wearers can use to wipe their mouth while eating. Her plans for environmentally-friendly tampons made of dog’s tails are, according to the singer, still in development.

Corrections

In our TV Crimes feature, below, we said that Gordon Brown received the postcard addressed simply to "Scottish C**t". We now understand that this was not the case and would like to sincerely apologise to Mr Brown and his family for any distress caused. The postcard in question was actually correctly delivered to Nicky Campbell.

In our article dated 23 April 2007, we used the banner headline : Sir Elton goes cottaging in Cotswolds. We would like to apologise for this error to both Elton and his lover David Furnish for the stress this may have caused. We meant to say “in men's toilets” not “the Cotswolds”.

From our article "Snooker Loopy" of 18th April, we would like to point out that David Vine is a snooker commentator and not, as we said, a rapist.

In our article about the upcoming Budget, dated 15th March, the sub-headline "Madonna is a toothless crack whore" should have read "Interest rate rises hit the poor".

In our article entitled "Lionel Blair Swallows Seamen In Pool Side Incident" we wish to point out that this headline gives the wrong message to Lionel's fan, Mrs Nugget in Battersea. We, of course, meant that he eats cock whilst on holiday, and not miniature toy marines discarded by children.

The capital of Ecuador is, of course, Quito and not, as we stated in our dangerous dogs feature (2nd April), "Jonathan King's Hard Drive".

And finally, in our exclusive interview with Leslie Grantham, in the last line, it should have read "telephone sex lines" and not, as was printed, "Moira Stewart".

Val Takes The Rap For College Tragedy

It emerged last night that there were sinister forces behind the tragic and senseless massacre at Braintree Technical College, Essex, earlier this week.

In echoes of the Porcupine High School shootings a few years ago when it was believed that the gunmen were influenced to act by their choice of so-called music. News-fans may recall that shock-rocker Marliyn Manson was heavily implicated for supposedly warping the minds of the children with his tuneless pretend heavy-metal.

We can sensationally reveal that this week’s evil killer, Max Von Beann, is also now thought to have turned to violence after being brought up on a daily diet of the seemingly-inoffensive Irish crooner Val Doonican. FBI psych-profilers have pinpointed the music of Doonican, 78, as the major factor contributing to what they have called “the madness” of Max. A senior agent, who wished to remain anonymous, confirmed that listening to one Doonican song in particular, “Paddy McGinty’s Goat”, would be more than sufficient to turn an otherwise law-abiding citizen into a psychotic mass-murderer. When asked how they could possibly prove this the agent said “It just does, cos I said so. Alright?”

Our reporter, Colin Stagg, contacted top music expert and TV nostalgia list show’s second most prolific participant, Paul Morley, to try and verify the FBI’s claims.

Mr Morley said “Oh God yeah, that makes perfect sense to me. Have you ever heard Paddy McGinty’s Goat? Jesus Jones, what sort of sick bastard could possibly dream up something so truly terrifying? I can tell you this much, if anyone locked me up and forced me to listen to Val Doonican, within half an hour I’d be looking to slay at least a thousand fuckers before inevitably turning the gun on myself and firing a high calibre bullet into my own head at point-blank range. Now where's my gun and how do I get to Hungerford?"

Val Doonican was alas unavailable for comment last night but his agent, did happen to mention that Val would be available for this year’s Glastonbury Festival and that he was “very excited” at the prospect of recording a duet with bad-boy rapper Snoop “Doggy” Dogg (providing he hasn’t died by then, or been forced to leave the country by the inevitable hate campaign by certain middle-class, simple-minded, scare-mongering, foreigner-hating newspapers).

‘Panty Boy’ Proves Critics Wrong

X-Factor loser Ray Quinn is sitting on top of the world after playing to a sold-out audience in his native Liverpool in the final leg of his nationwide tour. And, to put the icing on what is already proving to be a nausea-inducing sickly sweet shitcake, his debut album has recently soared to the top of the album charts.

It only seems like months ago that the “Cheeky Scouser” (TM: all Southern-based tabloid newspapers) was the bookies’ favourite for early elimination from the smash-hit talent show, after incurring the wrath of celebrity judge Sharon Osborne. Showbiz survivor Sharon, 39, had slammed the midget warbler as only being fit for pantomime.

However, Ray now looks to have had the last laugh with his astonishing success and he was in no mood for graciousness towards his earlier critics. He said yesterday

“Well Sharon, what do you think of me now eh you slag? Ha ha I was right and you were wrong! But seriously, how dare she go on national television and call me a panty boy in front of the whole nation? I mean, what’s the big deal if I do like to parade around with women’s knickers stapled to my face in the privacy of my home? We all need to relax after all. I just don’t know how she could have found about it.”

When our interviewer pointed out to Ray that what Sharon had actually called him was Panto Boy, as in Pantomime, as in you're only fit for Pantomime dickhead, he responded “Oh shite.”

Calls For Blogging Code of Conduct After Death Threat Shock

The support for a blogger hounded by death threats has intensified with some high profile web experts calling for a code of conduct in the blogosphere.

The female blogger at the centre of the row has been shocked to discover that hers is not an isolated incident. It has led her and others to question some of the unwritten rules of blogging and many internet experts believe this could force a re-examination of the way the tight-knit blogging community behaves.

Among those calling for a bloggers' code of conduct is Tim O'Reilly - one of the web's most influential thinkers. He said yesterday:

"I do think we need some code of conduct around what is acceptable behaviour, I would hope that it doesn't come through any kind of regulation it would come through self-regulation."

O’Reilly, whilst being an undoubtedly popular figure in the internet blogging world, is also living proof of the theory that typing up self-obsessed inanities to socially-retarded onanists all day, every day does less than nothing for your command of the English language.

It is believed that the blogger who went public over her death threats has welcomed this news. Speaking from a secret hideout in Paul Eddington Road, Doddiesville, San Antonio, Texas, second house on the left past the Wimpy, hiding just behind the bins, Michelle Fowler said:

“It’s a sad day when you can’t talk about your cat’s bowel movements on the internet without someone threatening to murder you. I guess it’s just lucky I didn’t mention that naked child I’ve got tied up in the garage then, huh?”

Special Feature

This Much I Know

Martin Clunes, Actor / Comedian, 44, London

I knew I wanted be an actor when I was seven and played Joseph in the school nativity play. I didn’t fluff any of my lines and my parents took me out for ice cream at the end. Magic!

People don’t appreciate how difficult it is to act well until they’ve seen really bad acting.

Contrary to my public image, I’m not a big drinker. When I landed the part of Gary in Men Behaving Badly I went out and bought a Mint Choc Viennetta and ate the whole thing myself!

My idea of self-indulgence is to stuff my face full of ice cream treats. Not the stuff off the ice cream man though, that‘s just wrong.

I’m not really an angry person. But if someone tries to pass off cheapo domestic ice cream cones on me, I’ve been prone to some pretty nasty reactions; let’s just leave it at that.

Therapy isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I was in therapy from the age of 8 til 11 and I don’t feel it helped me at all. It didn’t help me with the nightmares and even now I still wake up screaming over that terrible, terrible day. It’s like I can still feel that 99’er melting in my hands all over again.

You never forget your first Wall’s Feast. Mine was when I was 11 and it was this discovery that encouraged me to quit the therapy. I mean, flaky chocolate, nuts, chocolate ice cream and solid milk chocolate in the middle? Come on! Most importantly though, it was wrapped and came with a stick to hold. That totally changed my life.

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you some serious ready-packaged ice cream products!

I think that I use exclamation marks too often.

Happiness is a hot day in Madrid and a chilled Nestle Maxibon. Half yummy chocolate ice cream and half delicious biscuity wafer. It doesn’t get any better than that I can tell you. Now if only we had them in England……

Politics isn’t for everyone. I wouldn’t say that I’m a very political person myself, but I do get passionate over the really crucial issues. Hence my recent decision to get on my hobby horse and become something of an agitator.

The range of ready-packaged ice cream products available in this country is a disgrace. You just hop on a plane to France, Spain or Italy. Even Germany for God’s sake and you’ll see how bad we have it over here. Every shop and news-stand carries a plethora of them. What do we have? You’re lucky to get a choc ice or a strawberry bleeding mivvy. Who won the bloody war anyway?

My wife thinks I’m being stupid. As always. She may be right, but someone’s got to take a stand. We’re either in Europe or we’re not. And if we are in, then we should enjoy the same ready-packaged ice cream product privileges as our neighbours. Our government are quick enough to hand our fish out to all and sundry after all.

At the end of the day, all you can do is say you’ve tried. And no-one can ever take that away from you.

Clinton 'Barracks' Obama

In the Americas, Democratic candidates Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama joined forces with civil rights activists in an attempt to gain the 'black vote'. Both candidates spoke simultaneously to packed congregations in the deeply racist southern state of Alabama.

Mr Obama, speaking at the ATM church announced "I stand on the shoulder of giants!" which was true, as he was standing on top of two burly bodyguards at the time.

Mrs Clinton, 78, spoke of the courage of the 1965 civil rights marches who walked through the town of Selma, on a day which became known as Bloody Sunday. Mrs Clinton appeared to take a line from her husband when she appeared to say "Put it in your hand and start munching towards a better tomorrow". She also appeared to mumble something about wanting Bush to face a tongue lashing.

Fat Boy Not Slim

An 8 year old boy weighing 14 stone has been allowed to stay with his mother after a local authority hearing. William 'fatty' Foulkes, 8, heard the news earlier today, and celebrated with a cheeseburger dipped in chocolate and lard.

William recently lost a stone, but found it again later and placed it back with his collection of other rocks and pebbles.

When asked what his favourite musical instrument was, Will replied "The school dinner bell".

Wills mother, Thatsall Foulkes, blames her sons weight problem on 'convenience culture'.

Mrs Foulkes, 89, stated "If they didn't put handles on fridges, he wouldn't be able to get at the Turkey Twizzlers, and its not my fault I can get 15 frozen pizza's into my oven. If they (the Government) want my son to lose wait, they better move me to a bigger house so he can move around more, and increase my handouts, I can't live on 12 hundred pound a week and be expected to buy carrots...can I!?"