Bonkers Blair Sets Unpopular Agenda After Success Of Road Charging

Prime Minister Tony Blair, buoyed by the strength of public opposition to his recent idea for additional road charging, has announced that he will be introducing a whole program of new laws that will prove to be the exact opposite of what popular public opinion actually wants.

In a reaction to the news that 1.8 million people signed the online petition to protest against the government’s plans to install spy devices in all motor vehicles for the purpose of charging the motorist by the mile for the ‘privilege’ of using their car, the PM has decided that, in the dying days of his premiership, he really quite likes the idea of being hated by the entire country.

Mr Blair, who has privately admitted to aides that he is actually insane, yesterday announced his plans to “let a series of really foul and unpleasant farts off in the faces of the Great British public.” The program of parliamentary flatulation is to begin immediately with a bill to compulsorily cull all household pets. With clubs and knives. And you will have to murder your pets yourselves, apparently for Health and Safety reasons, while an official from the Ministry of Agriculture repeatedly prods you in the ribs and angrily berates you for your stupidity in owning such a useless drain on the economy, whilst criticising your feeble attempt at slaughter.

Next on the statute books is the new ‘Race Hate’ law. After witnessing the massive public backlash against the racist bullying of Celebrity Big Brother winner Shilpa Shetty by several uneducated members of the working class, Mr Blair has come up with what he hopes to be the least popular and most controversial idea of all time. He is planning to bring back slavery. As the now ranting PM explained, he intended to force into slavery every group and individual he didn’t like very much. When pressed as to who that might be, Blair replied “that’s pretty much all of you. You ungrateful scum, you’re all gonna be mine! Hahahaha! Oh, apart from Cliff Richard obviously. He’s a close personal friend. And no, not like that. Before you start with your filth.”

Blair raced through the remainder of his ‘Disrespect’ Agenda as he said he had an urgent appointment with a violent sex offender. Thus all we can give you is the outline plans that were hurriedly provided. The highlights are shown below:

A bill to make the wearing of hats illegal, under punishment of death.

The immediate appointment of Paul ‘Gary Glitter’ Gadd as Education & Child Welfare Secretary with GCSE’s to be replaced by MGG (Member of the Glitter Gang) rosettes. A-levels will be kept.

Testing of nuclear weapons on provincial towns with names consisting of fewer than six letters.

All lesbian’s nighties to be set on fire on the last Friday of every month.

Tap water to be replaced by vagrants’ urine.

All pornography to be confiscated, destroyed and replaced with OAP jazz-mags and slack granny flicks.

When asked for their reaction to the Prime Minister’s speech, opposition leaders David Cameron and Ming Campbell simultaneously replied “he’s a mad bastard!”

Did Di Die and Dodi Die or Did Dodi do Di up the Doodah and Disappear?

The late Princess of Wales, Diana Spencer and her beau Dodi Al Fayed were not actually killed in the now infamous Paris car accident, as we had all believed. In fact they are still alive and well and living in erotic paradise away from the prying eyes of the World’s press.

Sounds crazy? Well, this is the argument put forward in a shock new tv documentary due to be aired next week. The show, part of the BBC’s new Conspiracy Theories series, presents “evidence” gathered by a team of lonely middle-aged housewives who simply refused to accept that the Queen of Hearts was no longer with us on this mortal coil.

In a special sneak preview of the show, we saw the various factions that have formed who all firmly believe that not only did the princess and the playboy fake their own deaths but that it is blindingly obvious that the crash could not have been real.

The groups have splintered over their theories as to where Dodi and Di might be currently hiding out but the most vociferous group, Suburban Ladies’ Underground Truth Seekers (S.L.U.T.S) , have revealed the most controversial of findings. According to their leader, Mrs Henrietta Smallpox, the couple escaped under the cover of darkness and eloped to a remote fishing village in Northern India, which is locally renowned for its stringent laws enforcing ‘unnatural’ sex acts.

The idea of England’s Rose betraying her legions of female and homosexual fans by tricking them into believing she’d been tragically killed in a Paris death-trap tunnel is surely hard enough to stomach. But the thought that she would do so just to spend the rest of her lifetime enjoying a daily buggering from a tubby waster who just happens to have a name similar to her own (only with two more letters obviously) is quite beyond the pale.

We tried to get a reaction from popular singer Dido but she was sadly unavailable for comment and so we turned our attention to in-the-news beleagured referee Phil Dowd. Unfortunately Mr Dowd was so disgusted by the allegations that he chased our reporter away from his home while shouting that we should “fuck off” and “shut the fuck up”. We were offered a quote from a ‘character’ calling himself Dodd but, when pressed for his considered comments on the news that Princess Diana may be getting a right royal pounding up the poop-chute in darkest India, he could only respond with an animated bout of shouting the words “Yank off, jerk off” repeatedly. Ultimately, that perhaps says it all.

Bowl-ing For Europe

So the Superbowl was won by the Indianapolis Colts, and for us here in Europe it can be difficult to understand the Americanisms of the commentators during the game.

So, to help us 'Soccer' loving Euro's, Yesterdays Knews have translated the entire game into language we all understand here across the pond.

The match kicked off in a turrential downpour and there was to be a sensational start as Chicago FC scored straight from the kickoff with a great individual effort from centre half Dave Hester.

This rattled the opposition who took 20 minutes to recover but then scored a wonderful goal of their own when a brilliant pass from midfield maestro Manning set up winger Reggie Wayne who slotted the ball home with ease.

However, within 7 minutes the Chic's had increased their lead when pressure on the ball caused the Colts into some sloppy passes. Chicago playmaker, Grossman put the left winger Mushin Muhammed into space to score.

After the first of 3 breaks, Indianapolis begin to pile on the pressure and Striker Vinatieri scores from fully 29 yards before they take the lead with Rhodes bundling the ball home from a yard out.

After the second break, Vinatieri grabs his second, this time a 24 yard screamer and gets his hat-trick 16 minutes later, this time a 20 yard tap in.

Nine minutes later, the Bears get what would turn out to be a consolation goal as their forward Gould shoots from 44 yards into the top corner.

Eleven minutes after the 3rd and final break, the Colts make the game safe when Kevin Hayden intercepts a poor pass from Grossman to round the keeper and smack it in from a tight angle.

There are no further goals and the match finishes 6 - 3...... or 29 -17 in American slang.

A Bowl of cherries

As the USA prepares itself for Superbowl XLI, here in the 51st state of UK, some are also preparing themselves for a long night on Sunday and pulling a 'sicky' on Monday to catch all the action on Sly TV.

For those of you who don't know anything about the Superbowl, it's a mixture between the FA Cup final and sumo wrestling, with fat blokes in body armour bouncing off each other, and thats just in the crowd. This years final will be contested between the Chicago Bears and the Indianapolis Colts and will be played at the Dolphin stadium in Miami.

The Superbowl is most famous for its half time show, which has produced some controversial moments in the past. In 2004, Janet Jackson exposed a pair of tits during the halftime show, one was her own and the other was Justin Timberlake.

To ensure there will be no embarrassing moments this year, the hosts have chosen Michael Jackson to appear on stage with the boys and girls from the Miami Kindergarten dance troupe.

Yesterdays Knews will bring you coverage of the Superbowl final sometime next week.

Going, Going, Gone

You may recall that yesterday in our article on the launch of Red Nose Day 2007, we reported that there is to be a big auction of comedian’s gifts. Well, the guys and gals down at Comic Relief have been kind enough to let us have some details of the choicest items on offer so you can get your bids in early. You lucky people.

So, without further ado, feast your eyes on the following treasure trove of charitable hilarity and get your wallets out. Or don’t. Frankly it’s nothing to do with us either way. We’ve already given 20p each to the woman who comes in the pub collecting for MS or cancer or whatever the fuck it was. And, one of us once gave a tramp a pound AND told him he didn’t care if he spent it on cheap cider! So as you can imagine, we at Yesterdays Knews Towers have more than done our bit for charity this year.

However, for the rest of you feckless, selfish, spoilt wasters, here are the prize items for the all-star auction:

Lot 101 donated by Jo Brand : A used tampon with signed verification from the donor that the item has definitely been inside her sopping , bleeding fanny.

Lot 102 donated by Jack Dee : Complete box set of all five series of Curb Your Enthusiasm together with the handmade notes scribbled on the case, which Jack assures us comprises the final script for his recent BBC sitcom, Lead Balloon.

Lot 103 donated by Ricky Gervais : A signed copy of his favourite book “How to be humble when you attain long-sought-after success”. He knows Jerry Seinfeld you know?

Lot 104 donated by Sacha Baron Cohen : A special private sneak preview of his new comedy character. All we can tell you at this stage is that he asks Americans a series of rather inappropriately amusing questions in a silly accent.

Lot 105 donated by Julian Clary: A signed first-edition of his new novel “Oooh! I’ve just shoved this bald man’s cock right up my arse Mrs Wilberforce”

So, what are you waiting for? Get your bids in now by logging onto www. its alright to be an attention-seeking tosser, dress like a cunt and act like a bona fide bell-end for a day cos some failed comedians on the telly said so.co.uk.

Send In The Clowns

Red Nose Day 2007 was launched yesterday by some of the country’s top comedians (and Jennifer Saunders) in a blaze of publicity at the London Eye.

Comic Relief’s chief spokesman and former television star Lenny Henry was asked to explain the location for the launch and explained that “the eye is close to the nose so it makes sense facially-speaking.”

Professional homosexual Graham Norton then revealed that, to start this year’s proceedings with a bang, they were holding a televised auction of the comics’ most personal possessions.

Norton then proceeded to give details of the generous donations of some of the UK’s premier comedy talent. For instance, Jo Brand is auctioning one of her used tampons, which is expected to cause a lot of interest amongst viewers. Blue comic Bernard Manning interrupted to rant “Jo fucking Brand, at it again! That’s all she ever talks about. Tampax, tampons, sanitary towels and toilets.”

Jim Davidson offered to auction off one of his wives but organisers had to politely refuse as it was believed she was too shop-soiled and bruised to get any kind of price.

Meanwhile, Norton confided that plans to auction off the talent of Billy Connolly had to be scrapped as it has been impossible to locate for several years. It was apparently last seen “disappearing up the arseholes of the British Royal Family” according to Norton. “Mind you” he continued “to be fair to Connolly, he did crack that joke about Ken Bigley didn’t he?”

Flavour-of-the-moment foppish comedian Russell Brand summed up “S’excitin’ ain’t it?” Brand then proceeded to pull down his trousers and pants, w@nked his dinkle til huge gobs of spermatozoa came shooting forth from the crown and shouted “LADS! How about you come and give this comic some relief?”

They warned him about his future conduct and threatened to place him on the sex offender’s register.

Big Brother Gets His Dirk Out

Celebrity Big Brother came to a close yesterday as Asian movie star Shilpa Shetty was announced as the winner.

However the racial aspects of the show are still reverberating and all of the housemates appear to have something to say in the matter. Yesterdays Knews have been given a rare opportunity to interview Dirk Benedict, the A-Team star, who finished in 3rd place in this years Celeb BB.

Dirk, 72, was quick to point out why he said nothing during the racial outburst while in the house. "Hey, I was worried about the face...those girls had sharp nails...and this smile cost me a fortune. I thought they might start bitch slapping me...well I hoped..."

Dirk then claimed he had spoken to his A-Team co-star Mr T about the show.

Mr Benedict informed Yesterdays Knews that Mr T had been watching the show via sattelite in his home, the converted A-Team van. When asked what he thought of Jade Goody, Mr T is believed to have replied "I pity the fool!"

Yesterdays Knews can confirm that Mr Benedict has been offered a contract to star in a new series of the A-Team, however this time taking over the role of Mad Murdoch, trapped in a room of lunatics for months on end before being rescued.

Dennis Rodman will be taking over Mr T's role as B A Baracus whilst Michael Barrymore takes over the role of Hannibal from the late George Peppard. It is believed that Mr Barrymore only agreed to take the role if he could have a swimming pool fitted to the A-Team van and be allowed to say "Awight at the back!!" whilst driving the van.

Jade's Race To Oblivion

Jade Goody is fighting back over allegations of racism during this years Celebrity (?) Big Brother.

Jade, Jo from S-Club 7 and ex-model Danielle Lloyd were all accused of racially bullying Asian film star Shilpa Shetty.

Jade claimed today that she is certain she is not a racist. "I eat indian food..." announced Miss Goody, 26. "Not with my fingers like...or in Indian restaurants...but I got a Chicken Korma from the supermarket the other day, didn't really like it tho, don't normally eat foreign muck, ye never know what they put innit, do ye?". Jade continued her tirade "If I'm a racialist, how come I have a black dog?"

Jade is hoping to travel to India later this year, in her 'Mother wants a good old British Bungalow' tour.

Shame of Mystery Celeb Not Nonced Up As Tot

A nationally-famous celebrity sensationally confessed his most shameful secret last night. The celeb, an actor known by many for his TV work, came clean about his pitiful childhood ordeal. He broke down in tears while he spilled his guts about the trauma of never being being sexually abused as a child.

When pressed for more detail, he finally opended up and shockingly admitted that he hadn’t been anally raped or interfered with by his parents, touched up in the changing rooms by a mature batchelor teacher, or even had his balls or arse felt by a local oddball round the back of the bins.

The celebrity, we can only name as Mr Gaffney, spoke of his despair at his palpable unattractiveness that he couldn’t even be attractive to paedophiles, even those ones with the really, really thick glasses and greasy hair. He confessed that he even used to hang around Jonathan King’s tennis courts, diddling for a fiddling, but to no avail.

“What sort of celebrity, in this day and age, wasn’t nonced up as a kid?” came his plaintive cry. “Even frigging Ken Russell got some action. What does that say about me?”

Our reporter managed to extricate himself from the interview without having to reply to such a loaded question and made his excuses and left. Immediately upon his return to the Yesterday’s Knews office, he was telephoned by former Hollyoaks actor and Love Island psychopath Paul Danan. Mr Danan had mysteriously already heard about our mystery celeb’s sorry tale and offered his services to rebuild the celeb’s confidence. In essence, he offered to molest them live on ITV. When informed that the mystery celebrity was in fact a male, Danan replied:

“Makes no difference to me. It’s on telly isn’t it? And really, do you reckon
I’ve got any self-respect left after being on Love Island twice and then being
the gimp on 'Calum, Fran and Dangerous Danan' on ITV2?”

Saddaam 'Hanging Out' In Celeb BB Shocker

In news that is set to be so earth-shatteringly shocking that those whingeing bloody polar bears may finally be devoured by the gaping chasm of the now-annihilated ice caps, leaving them to spiral towards subterranean oblivion, we can exclusively reveal that Saddaam Hussein was not actually executed this week.

Yesterdays Knews has just received a secret memo detailing how the hanging was faked in order to create a smokescreen to preserve the biggest surprise in the history of the World. So, in order to spoil this for everybody because we can’t resist showing off how clever we are, here is the scoop of the century. Saddaam is set to be parachuted in to the Celebrity Big Brother house!

It is believed that U.S Military chiefs have been liaising with Endemol, the programme’s makers, in order to pull off this once-in-a-lifetime televisual coup. Our sources have confirmed that there had been concern within the White House, that a quick and painless execution would not be sufficient punishment for the former dictator for his myriad crimes against humanity.

It was therefore decided, after much research into alternative punishments, that it would be a much more fitting penalty for Saddaam to be locked inside a house with H from Steps and Leo Sayer for four weeks.

Saddaam’s lawyers seem certain to appeal this decision on the grounds of it clearly being in breach of the Geneva Convention, and it is understood that they have the full backing of human rights charity Amnesty International.

However, the sentence is now officially classed as irreversible by the Iraqi Supreme Court, so we might as well all enjoy the ride. And, you never know, he might even roll back the years and manage to top a few of the tosspots while he’s in there. Should this be the case, we would like to make it clear that this would be a disgraceful new low for British television but while he’s at it, if he could just take out that Donny knobhead, just for us, we’d be really most grateful.

Yesterday's TV Today

Hello again. Now we realise that many of our fans out there might be sitting around wondering what might be on TV tonight in a totally made-up, total rip-off of Charlie Brooker’s seminal website TVGoHome but nowhere near as funny – type way.

Well, we don’t like to disappoint you so here are some snippets for tonight so don’t say we don’t ever give you anything you ungrateful pigs.


7.00 pm Heil Terry! Terry Wogan takes a light-hearted look at Nazi Germany and re-enacts some memorable moments with the help of fellow TV stars Patrick Mower, Sue Cook and Art Malik.
This week: 'The Night of the Long Knives'. Terry orders the execution of former ally Ernst Rohm (Gaby Roslin). Guest-starring John Virgo as the knives.

7.45pm Travels with Mr T He ain't gettin’ on no plane fool but A-Team star Mr T takes us on an overland trek through the Atacama Desert armed only with some nuts and bolts that were carelessly discarded by a seemingly ruthless band of American crimelords, and a supply of cabbages. Will he miraculously stumble upon all the raw materials he needs to build an armoured tank and rescue the imprisoned nuns held by bloodthristy Nicaraguan mercenaries? What do you think fool?

8.45 pm Maxibonbon! Madcap Spanish gameshow hosted by Brian Dennehy. Childless couples compete against each other in a series of zany tasks and challenges to win a baby's worth of vouchers from the Gilbert Deya Ministries.

9.45 pm Captain Birdseye's Video Diaries What's the Cap'n up to this week? He's only gone and scuttled six Bosnian sailors in Bottomy Bay. See exclusive pictures and special behind-the-porthole action.

10.15 pm Mr Wendal One-off musical dramatising the story of the hard-hitting Arrested Development hit of the early 90's about a homeless drifter. Starring David Suchet as the African-American itinerant and featuring the cast of now sadly defunct five soap Family Affairs as the government conspiracists living in his booze-fuelled head.

Yesterday's TV

Starting today, Yesterday's Knews will be reviewing the top telly programmes and giving you the lowdown on what to watch on the box.

Tuesday

10:00pm C-um Dancing - Latino dancers glide across the milked up floor, in their sequined crotchless under-crackers.

10:30pm Fanny By Gaslight - Period drama, in tonight’s episode, Charles eventually gets gas installed at Cokhall Manor, so that he no longer has to wipe up the waxy residue from his large candle, whilst Fanny awaits the gas-mans arrival to erect his piping up her flue..

11:00pm Chocolate StarGate SG2 - Fantasy Adventure, Captain Brownhole discovers a new stargate and probes it with his large weapon. Major Buttman asks Commander Emma Roid to keep a tight grip of Corporal Punishment as his form has wained recently, but she soon licks him into shape.

Stay tuned for our next TV review.

World's Tallest Man Saves Dolphin

The world's tallest man saved two dolphins this week. Mongolian herdsman, Bao Xishun, used his 1.06m long arms to remove plastic shards from inside the dolphin's stomach's. Mr Bao, aged 54 and 7ft 8.95 inches tall was given the cleaning bill of a number of onlookers after waving to his friend during the extraction and splattering the public with rotten fish and dolphin bile.

It is believed that this may start a trend with record holders trying to out do each other with their acts of heroism. Yesterday's Knews reporters have learnt that Indias fattest man, Ima Skineebugga, who weighs in at 3 and a half stone, will attempt to eat the parasites off a blue whale, whilst the worlds oldest man, Wi Go'on, believed to be 392 years old, is currently at base camp at the foot of Everest, preparing to remove painful piles from the Yeti with his shrivelled gums.

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Yesterday's Knews

Yesterday's Knews

B.A. Cross With Cross Wearing Emplyee

B A has yet again come under fire for banning another of its employees from wearing religious symbols outside of their uniforms. Christian symbolism is apparently the main area of concern for the failing airline at present.

The employee who is currently off on unpaid leave who did not wish to be named confirmed, “I was shocked to say the least when I was asked to put my cross away as I have seen other colleagues wearing symbols of their religion. I was working at terminal 2 at Heathrow when I was asked by management to stop processing passengers for their flight. I was asked to go to a side room used by personnel and made to feel that I had done something wrong. When I was asked to remove my cross I was struck dumb but not by god I hasten to add.”

The employee looked visibly stressed at this moment but managed to continue, “I was informed that I must remove the cross and to go back to work. I felt I was being discriminated on religious grounds and refused to remove the cross. I am very upset by this situation and wish people would be more tolerant of all religions. Yes it may be big and a little cumbersome but I feel I need to let people see that I am a devout Christian.”

Under rules drawn up by BA's 'diversity team' and 'uniform committee', Sikh employees can even wear the traditional iron bangle - even though this would usually be classed as jewellery - while Muslim workers are also allowed prayer breaks during work time.
The employee explained that the cross was not jewellery but an expression of their deep Christian faith.

The employee said last night: "I will not hide my belief in the Lord Jesus. British Airways permits Muslims to wear a headscarf, Sikhs to wear a turban and other faiths religious apparel. The B.A. employee in question would not allow us to view the cross that has brought so much, media interest. However, we do have a picture of the cross being worn by the employee prior to their sending home.

It has been three weeks now that the BA employee has been placed on unpaid leave. We asked a BA spokesperson what the current situation is.

Mrs M Luther confirmed, “Unfortunately a current employee has been sent home due to the wearing of a religious symbol that breaches our employment dress code policy. We asked the employee to remove the said symbol, however they refused and we had no choice but to send them home. The matter is now being handled by a tribunal and as such we are unable to comment any further on the matter. However I will say that the health and safety issues the employees cross has brought up needs to be addressed. We had a few complaints from passengers tripping over the cross in question. This has to stop the costs in court cases has increased ten fold in the last year alone. ”


When asked if other non Christians were still able to wear religious symbols of their faiths she replied, “Yes they are but we feel that a cross can be deemed offensive to other employees and passengers within the terminals of Heathrow.”

The tribunal is due to start in two weeks time. The employee said, “You have to have faith and hope in such matters” and perhaps a very good solicitor as well Yesterdays Knews feels.

Cold Nipples Nearly Cripples Nude model at art class

A nude model who poses for still life art classes has gone on strike because the room where she works is too cold. At one stage it has been alleged that icicles had formed on the models personage.
Daphne Jutland said she had been left with a stiff neck and sore shoulders and rather frosty ripples because of a faulty air conditioning unit at Derby College.

It has been that cold lately my nipples have been like glass cutters. It was so bad last Monday the art students were hanging their coats on my nip nops like a coat stand.

The 44-year-old from Sand batch said she had "never encountered such difficult conditions", and she was refusing to pose again until the chilly problem is solved. “I very much doubt anyone would accept the offer of a few drops of anti-freeze on my raspberries as a viable solution to the problem as suggested by the vice-principle.”

Mark Woods, college vice-principal, stuttered to Yesterdays Knews: "We've provided heating and I'm not sure what else we can do. As for my joke about anti-freeze I was trying to merely warm the situation up. I have tried to get a better look at the problem but Ms Jutland keeps covering herself up. I am a very hands on type of person but in this case my hands have been tied"

We have been informed by a medical specialist that in years to come we could witness the first person to develop arthritis of the nipples if this matter is not addressed.

Man Speechless After Pub Raid

A 65 year old man was left speechless on Monday, after a thug stole his voice at knifepoint.
The un-named man called Barry, who uses an electronic device to talk, had his machine snatched away from him during an armed robbery in a Wirral bar.

The robbery occurred at around 1.30 a.m., as the man was locking up the pub at which he works in Prenton. A man wearing a ski-mask and holding a knife burst into the bar and threatened the worker. Police have confirmed that the thief was not wearing skis on his feet as originally reported by a rival newspaper.

Holding him at knifepoint, he first insisted that the man empty the till, and then demanded to be taken to the safe. When the bar man asked the thief if he had a ski pass he was hit with an avalanche of abuse.

As a parting gesture, after ransacking both the cash register and the safe – stealing around £800 in the process – the thief also grabbed the man's electronic speaking device and pocketed it, before running off into the night. The bar man was left speechless after the incident, which is understandable giving the circumstances.

A witness who did not wish to be named, who saw the thief’s escape was able to confirm some details to us.

“I was walking home at about 1.25am after being to my local Boot Scoot Club for a night of line dancing. I was walking passed my local pub balancing my kebab in one hand whilst fumbling in my pocket for my keys.”

The witness did not confirm if he had chilli sauce on his kebab or not.

“I was no more than one hundred yards away when I could hear a disturbance behind me. To my shock, as I turned in the direction of the pub I could see a man of about average height wearing black clothing and a ski mask on his head. I watched as he burst out of the pub door and ran at some great speed down the road towards a car. He was shouting in a strange Dalek type of voice back towards the pub. I could distinctly hear him shout See you later granddad and Exterminate, exterminate, I am a Dalek. Before he entered the car and drove away at some speed. I was that shocked I almost spilt my kebab on the floor. I rushed to the pub to see Barry one of the staff stagger out into the street. I asked him what had happened but he was unable to tell me as his voice had been stolen, what a swine. A police car pulled up outside the pub about thirty minutes later I gave a statement and was allowed home.”

Police have not issued a description of the voice box in question but we believe it has no resemblance to a Dalek at all. A few days after the incident another man claimed he too had had his voice stolen in a separate incident. However, it has now been dismissed as an unconnected incident as it has been established that the person had merely caught a cold.

Double Amputee in High Speed Chase

A double amputee has been jailed after leading police on a high speed chase.

Ivor Legoff, 51, used modified broom handles on the peddles and was chased over 3000 miles at speeds of over 275 miles an hour!!

Traffic cop Ima Bhadriva told the court that Mr Legoff was seen driving his Ford Probe erratically and was asked to pull over but refused and sped off. The chase only ended after Mr Legoff lost control and the probe entered an overgrown bush.

Mr Legoff was asked by Officer Bhadriva whether he had been drinking, to which he replied "Can't you see I'm legless!!".

Two other amputees where in the vehicle at the time and both tried to stop Mr Legoff. Billy Noarms, 33, and Justha Tourso, 42, where thrown around in the back of the vehicle during the accident, but received no serious injuries.

In sentencing, Judge Sendijm Downe told Mr Legoff "Using brooms to control your vehicle could have caused harm to both yourself and innocent bystanders, a brick wedged with a block of wood would have been much better...and safer".

In addition to the 12 month sentence, Judge Downe banned Mr Legoff from driving "Until your legs grow back..."

Ding Dong Smell

As Christmas approaches bad news has hit Berlin. The city has been struck by a severe Santa drought that is causing major concern to Berliners.

The Santa’s R Us agency that supplies Santa’s to families in the city warned today that they had less than a third of the Santa’s that would be required to meet the city's Santa needs. Adolph Heinz, Ober-Weinachtsmann (chief Santa Claus) of the Santa’s R Us agency, said:
'We need at least 300 Santa’s to meet the demand but we only have about 100 signed up so far. I blame the recent clampdown on paedophiles that has hit the country. I am afraid a lot of them have gone underground for fear of reprisals. The Government is wrong to persecute people in this way.'

We explained to Mr Heinz that the safety of young children is paramount and surely an agency like his should understand the damage these people could cause children through their vile deeds.

"Children, who cares about the children I am thinking of the profit. At this rate I will be out of pocket by a great many thousand Euros. The Government wants to start caring about businessmen like me and sod the children."

Each Santa will visit, on average, around a dozen families, bringing seasonal good cheer, presents and a 15% cut of their fees to the agency.

'In a lot of families in Berlin it's a tradition that carries on even after the children grow older and stop believing,' Heinz said, this shortfall is damaging business.
Any Berliners who fancy earning some money, or who just really like the colour red, are advised to contact Mr Heinz. 'I prefer chubby men, of course, ideally with a real beard plus a great set of buns but as for the Santa’s we're not picky and take what we get. However, we have had to turn away a large amount of tramps who have applied for the post' he notes.

When we asked Mr Heinz why so many have been turned away when there is a shortfall in Santa’s he replied, "The thing is they stink and I just don’t like my Santa’s to smell. God knows what their sacks smell of, the state some of them have been in. In my view they should all be put in a camp somewhere and made to work for as pittance until they die."

The search for Santa’s in Berlin continues however, Mr Heinz is not optimistic.