Who Wins? The Experts Decide

That’s right dear readers, in a week where literally loads of important real news stuff happened (like er some dolphins got lost, Gordon Brown did something shit and the Euro 08 finals started) your trusty purveyor of hard-hitting pretend news stories brings you an in-depth look at the final of The Apprentice.

We’ve gathered an imaginary panel of employment experts and (in fact exclusively) famous people and asked them to examine each candidate, then go away to “blue sky the bugger” and come up with a scientifically-proven winner.

First up is vacuous, serpentine pretty-boy Alex Wotherspoon.

“I think he’s all style over substance” said Conservative leader David Cameron.

“But he’s only 24! And he was privately-educated, so that must mean he is at least intelligent, trustworthy and able to lead” countered ‘Man-Of-The-People’ Education Secretary Alan Johnson.

“Ha! That just shows what you know! I was privately-educated and I’m quite patently a twat,” concluded Mr Cameron “And, trust me on this, you really wouldn’t want me running a major business, I’d only fuck it up compl…..oh crap. See what I mean?”

Next, our panel turned their attention to burly, pony-fancying loudmouth, Claire Young.

Assessing her chances of success are thuggish Lotto lout Michael Carroll and last year’s winner, Simon Ambrose.

“I notice she keeps comparing herself to dangerous dogs like a rottweiler and a German Shepherd, Michael. What do you make of that?”

“Well I’ve got loads of devil dogs in my gaff and I tells ya, if they yapped away like this bird, I’d have shot them in the face by now!” snarled Carroll.

“Well quite. Also, I hear she’s applied to be on Big Brother five times!” Simon added, swiftly changing the subject. “It just makes me wonder whether she really wants the job with Sir Alan or if she just wants to be on TV.”

“Yeah, whatever ponce. Are we done here? Right, I’m off to kick some pensioners up the arse.”

We then move on to the people’s champion, excitable poor-man’s Paul Sculthorpe http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Sculthorpe , Lee “I would never do the reverse pterodactyl in front of Sir Alan” McQueen.

Thanks to the wonders of technology we were able to set up a video-conference to get the exclusive views of on-duty BBC football commentary team, John 'Motty' Motson and Mark 'Lawro' Lawrenson.

John Motson kicked off “I’ll say this about Lee McQueen Mark, he’s a real battler isn’t he? The lad gets stuck in. If only the England team’d had a few Lee McQueens in it, they’d probably be here at the finals.”

Lawro wittily replied “I like the boy Lee McQueen, John. But let’s be honest, England would’nt have qualified if they’d had Steve McQueen and all of the Magnificent Seven!”

Motson summed-up “Tell you what though Lawro, heh heh, if he wins, he’ll be delighted. LEE MCQUEEN WILL BE DELIGHTED!”

Last and by every means least, we’re left with stocky nonentity Helene (“I’m a Global Pricing Leader, I am” Speight.

To discuss the merits of Miss Speight we’ve enlisted the unique talents of Britain’s most beloved polymath Stephen Fry. He waxed lyrical thusly “As you all know, I am the nation’s foremost living wit. On demand, I am noted for my ability to conjure up loquacious anecdotes on any subject of your choice. However, I can honestly proclaim that I can think of nothing whatsoever to say about Helene Speight.”

Stepping into the breach to offer an actual, valid opinion on Miss Speight was the acceptable face of GMTV, Lorraine Kelly. Her verdict was short, succinct and damning in equal measure.

“Her whingeing on about her disadvantaged childhood in the interview round disappointed me greatly. Although, to be fair, it was the first memorable thing she’s done all series. I can’t see Sir Alan falling for this one again though. I mean, she’s no Michele Dewberry is she? Maybe more like two Michelle Dewberries in the one body! Oooh aren’t I awful?”

So, there we have it. We input all of the celebrity-produced data into the Yesterdays Knews supercomputer and can confidently predict that the winner of this year’s Apprentice will be……………..

Alex Wotherspoon!

According to our top-secret supercomputer, Alex comes out on top due to David Cameron’s First Law of Rising Without Trace (Formula: Lack Any Discernible Personality + Keep Head Down + Attack All Opposition + Look Good on Cameras = Become Successful Bastard). Well that and he passed the tie breaker of having the name sounding most like an empire of cut-price booze peddlers and daycare centres for elderly alcoholics and people on the sick.

So well done Alex. And bad luck to the runners-up. Still, there’s always next year. Oh and Claire, duuno if you’ve noticed but a new Big Brother’s just started on 4. If you’re quick, you might make it on this time. See, as BB’s first series star ‘Nasty’ Nick Bateman said “As one door closes, another window opens. A shit-encrusted, broken window, behind which lies everything that’s so hateful about everything. But still a window nonetheless.”

The Twat-Off : Hillary Vs Sophocles

So here we have it people. Just who is the most obnoxious, do-anything-to-win, lying, cheating, shit-eating fraud in this year’s slightly made-up final of The Apprentice?

The contenders are as follows:

Michael Sophocles : Shortarse shitehawk, without any discernible talent with a brazen attitude to lying, cheating and Raef-stabbing.

What The Papers Say : “A fucktard” (Anna Pickard, The Guardian) , “Odious Little Shit” (Adrian Chiles, BBC2’s ‘The Apprentice : You’re Fired’) , “Spivvy little dickweed” (Yesterdays Knews).

Hillary Clinton : Duplicitous, Political Noblesse-Oblige, Hard-faced bastard.

What The Papers Say : “An evil witch” (Bill O’Reilly, FOX TV) , “She kinda lied about sniper fire, so fuck her ” (The rest of the US media) , “Can’t she please just do one and leave me in peace to strump some late-teens?” (Bill Clinton).

What Might Sir Alan Say: “Michael, while you score very high on the international twatiness index, in fact a 9.8, one of the highest scores ever, I’ve got to say that Hillary, you've got one womb too many to fit into my organisation. So, with no regret whatsoever, Hillary, you’re fired!”

Clinton Finally Gets Her Cards

The U.S Democratic Party have spoken and we can exclusively reveal that their choice as Presidential candidate for 2008 is Senator Barack Obama.

At the end of a six-month political battle royale, Obama was at long last confirmed as the victor over his doggedly determined rival, Senator Hillary Clinton.

Or so the (proper) papers say anyhow. The geeks. At Yesterdays Knews, we just happen to know differently. Unburdened as we are with their tiresome requirements to publish real facts based on actual stuff, we can now divulge the story behind the story.

The former First Lady is being put into the final of The Apprentice!

Our mole in Team Clinton reports that Hillary held crisis talks with her campaign team at daybreak today and weighed up her options. Faced with the choice of continuing to campaign for a job which she is now certain not to get and jetting over to London, England to take her chances on obtaining the vacant position with Sir Alan Sugar, it is believed that her husband Bill encouraged her to choose the latter.

As our mole revealed “Hillary was in favour of carrying-on and brushing off the technicality of defeat, hoping that if she kept this up long enough, people would eventually forget that she lost and just let her be President anyway. Kind of like when George lost his job in Seinfeld and just kept on coming into work anyway.”

The filthy grass continued “But former President Clinton urged her to start working off the unsuccessful campaign’s $20 million debts immediately by jumping on a transatlantic flight and leaving him to 'take care of business' at home.”

There is apparently no truth whatsoever in the rumour that cynical TV chiefs have parachuted in the scheming, muck-slinging, double-dealing, 'mis-speaking', delusional loser to replace recently-deposed oleaginous pantomime villain Michael Sophocles.

So, which one's better? Michael Sophocles or Hillary Clinton? There's only one way to find out..................FIGHT!

……And We’re Back!

Yes that’s right patient readers, your 3,164th favourite spoof news website have returned from our brief sabbatical four days early. Just for you, you little fun-junkies. We know you’ve been Jonesing like crazy to get your hands on the really good stuff and what can we say, we’re sorry for leaving you like that.

We had originally made a contingency plan to bring in temporary cover to tide you over but this unfortunately had to be scrapped a bit sharpish when it became apparent that our “skeleton staff” consisted solely of a chimp with a visor on, hunched over a typewriter. And believe us, you don’t get to Yesterdays Knews’ position in the marketplace by allowing chimpanzees to publish articles consisting of “dpbj9uetgohraohg47653484y^($” while throwing their own spunk around your office. Although the ape did also manage to type “tits”, which is proof of something, if nothing else.

Anyway, to celebrate our return to active duty, here’s a roundup of some of the news we missed over the past three weeks:

There was a major world sensation in the US Primary elections where Hillary Clinton actually won two states! Staggeringly, two overwhelmingly white, redneck hick states decided not to vote for a black man. Well whatever next?

Meanwhile, at home, amiable but buffoonish toff, Boris Johnson, has been elected as the Mayor of London. Yes, actual people actually voted for Boris Johnson to become the Mayor of London. Just to reiterate: BORIS JOHNSON IS NOW THE MAYOR OF LONDON. Sometimes real life’s just so much funnier than anything we can come up with.

Of course, having said all of that, Mr Johnson’s first act as Mayor is already proving most popular with Londoners. His decision to ban boozing on buses and trains has meant that his predecessor, Ken Livingstone, has been forced to take to his car if he wants to get tanked up during his morning commute, thereby incurring his very own congestion charge. “Hoist on your own petard, Mr Livingstone!” as Boris might well have said.

In reality TV news, the absolute twatfest that is The Apprentice marches imperiously onwards to true telly greatness, trampling all lowbrow rivals in it’s wake. Although, what the fucking hell were you doing firing Raef last week, Sir Alan? Perhaps wise old Sir Alan (can we not drop the Sir bit, it’s getting a bit dull now surely? No, fair enough. Well can we call him Al? You know like the song? How about Shug then? Not that either? OK suit yourself) Sugar was teaching us all an important business lesson about how nice guys don’t succeed and that you have to be a right shithouse to get to the top. In which case spivvy little dickweed, Michael Sophocles, looks a shoe-in to win this show. And God help us all if he does.

Déjà Vu Time As Brown Ballses It Up Again

Gordon Brown's last-ditch attempt to rescue his premiership lies in tatters today as Britain wakes up thirty years ago.

Following the Labour government’s catastrophic showing in yesterday’s local elections, Gordon Brown has been forced to take desperate measures to attempt to win back public support.

In what has been described by senior civil servants as “a surprise move”, the PM has taken the entire country back in time. Over the last two months, the government’s top advisers have secretly been showing Mr Brown DVD box-sets of the smash-hit BBC TV series, Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes.

So impressed was he with the way these shows captured the public’s affection, Mr Brown has railroaded through the launch of the government’s Super Duper Country Teleporter to take the electorate back to happier, more carefree days.

Unfortunately, however, the Super Duper Country Teleporter was not operational to full capacity when the PM accidentally activated it at 6.30 this morning by banging his head on the “Start Teleporting” button, thereby taking the entire United Kingdom back to 1978.

Our source inside Number 10 can reveal that Mr Brown originally intended to take the nation back to 1973 after watching Life on Mars but then changed his mind after viewing the sequel Ashes to Ashes and threw 1981 into the mix as well. The boss-eyed ditherer was unable to choose between them and thus when the machine was inadvertently turned on this morning, it defaulted to a year somewhere inbetween.

Now the beleagured PM faces the prospect of running a hugely unpopular administration grimly hanging onto the reins of a severely depressed country in the throes of recession with oil prices skyrocketing and industrial disputes breaking out left, right and centre. According to our source “he hopes no-one will notice any difference.”

Prezza Defends Puke Sex Claim

John Prescott has today slammed critics for casting doubt on his contention that his bulimia was responsible for his very public extra-marital affair with aide Tracey Temple.

The former Deputy PM shocked the nation last weekend with his revelation that he suffered from the illness (whereby the patient gorges on fatty food and then forces themselves to vomit it all up) which is usually associated with young women.

But it was Prescott’s assertion that the bulimia directly caused him to stray from his wife with former assistant Temple, 46, that provoked most criticism.

An embattled Mr Prescott this morning called a press conference in central London to provide prima facie medical evidence to confirm his assertions. He was accompanied by a psychiatrist renowned in the field of food-related anxiety, Doctor Tucker MacSpew. Dr MacSpew said

“It is quite reasonable, in my experience, to see that there is a clear correlation between feasting oneself on delicious treats like hamburgers and condensed milk and feasting one’s loins on a lovely female lady. Oh yes.”

When asked to provide actual evidence of this purported “correlation” Dr MacSpew replied “Well look at that Russell Brand. He used to be bulimic and now he’s The Sun’s ‘Shagger Of The Year’. I rest my case.”

We tracked down Mr Brand this afternoon to discover his take on the claims. “Why 'tis nought but rrrrhubarb” said the ballbags funnyman.

He went on “Oh and don’t forget to go and see my new film ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’. It’s out on Friday and I’m in it and everything! Just thought I’d mention that ‘cos I’ve been really reticent about the whole being asked to be in a Hollywood movie thing and I’ve hardly mentioned it to anyone. ‘Ere do you fancy a fumble then sweetcheeks?”

TV News : War of the Eve

News reaches us this morning that is certain to send shockwaves throughout the broadcast media.

ITV have poached British television’s most in-demand actor, Trevor Eve, from under the noses of baffled BBC bosses to make a reality TV show!

Beeb drama chiefs were thought to be lining up several new dramatic projects for Eve in the wake of the resounding critical success of his recent powerhouse performance as slimy gameshow host Hughie Greene.

However, it is thought that new ITV chief, Peter Fincham, used his friendship with the Waking The Dead star to lure him away from Auntie’s clutches with a money-no-object offer to make the light-entertainment programme of his choice.

The new show, devised by and starring Eve, is already in pre-production and is scheduled to appear on Saturday evenings this autumn. Details are still somewhat sketchy at this stage but we can reveal the working title and brief synopsis thanks to a rather helpful source in the ITV publicity department.

“Eve Of Destruction” : Waking The Dead actor Trevor Eve is mad as hell and he’s not gonna take it any more! Watch as he rampages through the English countryside taking on local pub hardmen as he smashes the gaff up.

Reports that the BBC are planning a counter-move with a series showing Robson Green arm-wrestling prisoners are as yet unconfirmed.

Shit Storm Threatens To Engulf The City

London’s Square Mile has been declared a no-go area as the recent financial shit-storm worsens by the day.

The panic that first gripped the city’s stockbrokers last week seems to have spread like wildfire throughout London’s financial institutions.

It is believed that the downturn in the FTSE caused many of the country’s top bankers and businessmen to dramatically shit themselves, causing a tumultuous explosion of brandy and foie gras-tinged faeces to burst through the boardrooms.

As the financial prognosis became ever gloomier, wave upon wave of pinstriped plop began to cascade down throughout the City’s top offices. This uncommon occurrence has been described by economic experts as “the trickle down effect”.

With the turd levels rising steadily and in the complete absence of any government intervention as PM Gordon Brown instead spends his time poncing around with Napoleon-lite French President Nicholas Sarkozy, it is feared that one more bank collapse could lead to the entire financial district becoming fatally submerged in shite.

Help could yet be at hand however from the unlikely source of President George Bush. Reports coming out of Washington this morning suggest that the President is preparing to send a crack rescue team to London to evacuate the shit-stricken area and clean the resulting bio-hazard up all nice.

We queried what the President’s motives for undertaking such an altruistic act of international kindness might be when he was so slow to respond to the devastating effects of Hurricane Katrina in his own country. Our anonymous White House source explained “because it’s white people affected this time.”

D-Day USA

It’s crunch time in the US primaries today when the Democratic Party may finally reveal their nominee to contest the Presidency in this November’s election. (Factual Note – this might not happen.)

So, we thought this was a good time to look back at the campaigns to date and ponder the following question. What have we learnt so far?

That the American media seem to have run out of superlative adjectives to describe today’s clash, after Super-Duper Tuesday had proved inconclusive. Although Yesterdays Knews suggests “Freakin' Massive Tuesday Man!” (Legal Note – if someone uses that on CNN tonight, you owe us money Turner.)

That being a US Senator must be one of the easiest jobs in the world if they’re allowed to take almost two years off their actual work, on full pay mind, to piss-around at trying to become President. No wonder Ron Paul hasn’t pulled out yet. Would you?

That it is possible to have the middle name Hussein AND still be a Christian (other faiths are available). This point’s just for Hillary Clinton by the way. We realise that the rest of us have worked this out by now. Oh hold on, breaking news alert here…………………….

Ah yes, and believe it or not Hillary, DAVID Beckham is not Jewish! Despite the name! Who’da thunk it?

It’s all very well and good Rambo star Sylvester Stallone endorsing John McCain now. But where was he when the Senator was banged-up in a Hanoi hell-hole for seven years and really needed his help?

Letter Theft Suspect Will Have His Life Changed

A man has been questioned by Police in relation to last weekend’s sensational Hollywood heist. The disappearance of the letter R in a circle from the end of The Oscars took organisers completely by surprise.

“We were completely taken by surprise” said Organising Vice-President, Charles Gray.

Investigating officers were puzzled as to why anyone would want or need the encircled R as it was deemed to have no monetary value.

However, Scotland Yard detectives today received a tip-off that the culprit was at large and living it up in foggy old London town. The mystery informant said he was an associate of the suspect and that the man had been planning to steal the R in a circle for some time, in order to add another superfluous letter to his name. It is believed that the suspect has developed an addictive habit for adding extra consonants to his forename.

Police sources have revealed that the informant, an Australian male, agreed to co-operate in exchange for immunity from prosecution as an accomplice as he was apparently terrified of being subjected to bland and tasteless prison food, especially the “paaastaah”.

The suspect, this afternoon released on bail, has been named as television personality and ingredients expert, Gregg Wallace. The shouty slaphead would only comment that “audacious thefts of encircled letters doesn’t come any tougher than this!”

Gog’s Blog Leaves Readers Agog

First as ever with all of the big news, our finger-on-the-pulse operation today brings you a story that happened two weeks ago. (Well we’ve got lives too you know. Do you think we just created this publication to amuse you lot? Oh right. Well then.)

A minor furore was caused recently (in a fairly loose definition of the word) when a guest writer in the travel section of the Guardian newspaper’s website was on the receiving end of a torrent of abuse.

19 year-old gap year student Max Gogarty (pictured, yes really) was asked to pen a regular blog describing his in-no-way clichéd holiday (yes, you’re going on holiday, not ‘travelling’ you pretentious titheads) to “find himself” in India and Thailand.

Unfortunately for the Guardian, it quickly became evident that poor little Max had a rather unpopular writing style, or to quote journalistic behemoth Bob Woodward, “he writes like a cunt. A talentless, vapid cunt, at that”.

Furthermore, observant readers immediately identified that the bungling blogger was actually the son of sometime-Guardian travel writer, Paul Gogarty.

Within minutes, the article, the writer and the newspaper itself came under attack from hundreds of disgusted readers, ashamed that the august organ could stoop to such lazy, nepotistic depths.

Before the day was through, the Guardian had stopped all further comments on the article and announced that Gogarty Junior would not be writing any further pearls of wisdom on their website.

Over the following days, several articles appeared in the print and online editions of the respected liberal publication, criticising their own readers as a bullying, thuggish mob. Honestly.

We tried to contact Guardian editor Alan Rusbridger for his views on the handling of this matter but had to beat a hasty retreat when he questioned the veracity of our Bob Woodward quote. We did however manage to get a quote from Guardian-hating, ‘straight-talking’, ‘why it’s political correctness gone mad’, immigrant and foreigner-baiting, prick of a newspaper columnist, the Mail’s very own Richard Littlejohn.

Littlejohn summed up the incident with his trademark caustic wit “Oooh a load of cardigan-wearing, lentil-eating lefty poofters had a little gay row did they? Bloody weirdoes. This land used to be fit for heroes you know? Not any more. Over-educated they are, that lot. That’s their problem, no common sense the lot of them.”

Incidentally, you can read the original article and the rather amusing comments, by simply clicking on the link we have handily placed below. Gosh we're nice aren't we?

http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/travelog/2008/02/skins_blog.html

Sympathy For The Cheryl

The low-rent celebrity war between stage-school, daddy's girl, pretend working-class, fraudulent cockney poppet, Lily Allen, and lad-mag fave, can't really sing without digital-enhancement, Geordie thug, Cheryl Cole, seems to have cooled after they both admitted that, at some stage of their of their lives, they'd had issues with their other halves.

So, in a rare moment of showbiz female solidarity, Miss Allen has offered to call a truce on their tabloid-selling game of tit-for-tat insult-throwing.

It is believed that Mrs Cole,currently in hiding, has let it be known that she appreciates the gesture and has suggested to Miss Allen that they put their issues behind them. In fact, we understand that the singers even plan to join forces in order to undertake the mother-of-all celebrity feuds with troubled star Amy Winehouse.

Legal Note:

* Cheryl Cole was actually convicted of vile thuggery in 2002 after being a vile thug in 2002.

* Lily Allen, at least as far as this publication is aware has never committed an act of actual-bodily-harm. Although, her new BBC Three chatshow is undeniably excruciatingly painful to watch.

So, readers,who do you prefer? Cheryl or Lily? Why not let us know in the Comments box below............................

Cerys Cashes In

In yet more frozen-food related news, it has been reported that Cerys Matthews looks set to sell off the last vestiges of her musical credibility by agreeing to become the new face of Iceland.

The freezer store giant recently announced that they had dropped troubled personality Kerry Katona from their TV ad campaigns (for unspecified reasons we must add – but we can all have a good guess eh?) and were known to be on the lookout for a replacement to appeal to their key demographic: ITV reality show viewers.

Ms Matthews is believed to have attracted the attention of the Icleand execs after appearing on 'I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here', when she received huge media coverage for her unedifying love affair with tubby romancer Marc Bannerman.

The deal is expected to be announced later today after Cerys and the ad execs made a series of compromises:

Cerys will now agree to sing a cheap and nasty jingle in the ads in exchange for more cash. And Iceland have agreed to cast failed actor Bannerman in a minor role in their upcoming ice pops advertisement.

The only sticking point still to be ironed out is now whether or not she actually has to eat the slurry shown on screen.

Rudy’s Had His Chips

Former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani has finally called time on his ill-fated run for the White House.

After his humiliating third-place finish in the Florida primary, upon which he gambled his entire election strategy, “America’s Mayor” was forced to abandon his overly-ambitious mission to become the leader of the Free World.

Mr Giuliani admitted that the Grand Old Party had effectively “shat in his face” in their rush to elect seemingly almost any other candidate than him.

The notoriously sensitve Capitaliser-In-Chief pledged his full support to his friend John McCain, the oven chip magnate, this afternoon.

This is not the first time that Mr Giuliani has had to swallow his pride and look to Senator McCain to join a more successful operation.

Only last year, he sold his shares in his failing frozen-food company to his rival after Mr McCain’s hugely-popular Micro Chips outsold his own 'Rudy’s Saviour of New York Pizzas' ten-to-one.

It looks like in politics, as in life, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Here’s Some More News In Brief! Yay!

That’s right fans, we haven’t deserted you. In case you’ve been hankering after some sub-Two Ronnies jokes based on tit-bits of the latest world news, well hanker no more. We’ve scoured the world of actual real news for you and condensed it all up real nice below. Enjoy!

The war of words between the two front-runners for the Democratic Presidential nomination, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, intensified today. Following Senator Clinton’s inflammatory accusation that he was making race an issue in the campaign, Mr Obama, after ridiculing the notion, hit back by questioning Mrs Clinton’s commitment to the Presidency:

“It seems perfectly clear to me that Senator Clinton is leading us all a merry dance here. As if she’ll have the time to implement even half of her proposals in the White House while she’s still running her card shop empire!”


A wall containing the ‘art’ of inexplicably successful chancer, Banksy, is to be sold today for a whopping £210,000. Art expert Tim Marlow expressed concern at the development:

“We simply can’t have a no-talent huckster, motivated entirely by fiscal reward and with no consideration whatsoever for creating anything beautiful and lasting, churning-out this kind of soulless pap in the Modern Art world. That’s Damien Hirst’s job.”


To the palpable relief of The Daily Express, it seems like the interminable saga of the Dian Inquest is still nowhere near concluding. So, in the interests of public-service pretend-journalism, here’s a summary of what we’ve discovered so far:

The late, great Queen of Hearts, Princess Diana had a surprisingly friendly relationship with / was bullied by her former father-in-law, the arrogant chimp-faced racist, Prince Phillip.

She was in love with, planning to marry and expecting the child of / having a cheap fling (what with him being a rich playboy and that) with Dodi Al Fayed.

The Michael Jackson song ‘Dirty Diana’ was not, actually, written about England’s Rose after all. According to her rock butler (apparently he used to set the tables dressed as Shakin’ Stevens) Paul Burrell, it was almost certainly penned in memory of fellow dead blonde bombshell, Diana Dors.

He said “I was told this several years ago by my good friend Bruce Springsteen. So it must be true.”

Sorry We Fucked Up : Corrections

Firstly and foremostly, a gargantuan apology is due to former Smug Prick Of The Year nominee Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall. Hugh’s laudable campaign to halt the sale of mass-produced chickens is frankly so stirring and obviously unselfish that this sorry excuse for a website can completely and utterly retract every single word of our poorly-worded and unoriginally-thought-out Christmas feature. We’ll go so far as to say we’re genuinely apologetic for being dickheads and we’ll try harder in future.

And Ricky Gervais, now we come to think about it, although it’s become tooth-abcess-remindingly painful to hear your post-modern tales of success, the Christmas episode of Extras was exceptionally good. For what it’s worth anyway. And we've got a fucking cheek considering. As if Gervais reads this amateur-hour shit anyway. But there you go.

Oh and Jim Davidson. You’re still a cunt.

Top Docs Call For Winter Cull - Of Humans!

A panel of Britain’s top doctors today proposed controversial measures in response to the growing sickness epidemic engulfing the country. The British Union of Medicalists (B.U.M) have recommended that the government conduct a yearly winter cull of the population to prevent hospitals becoming overrun with patients each December and January.

B.U.M spokesman Dr Julian Barratt said that the majority of the population had no reason to be afraid of the proposed cull and explained that only the elderly and infirm would be slaughtered with clubs and planks of wood with nails sticking-out. “Oh and the poor as well” he added.

Dr Barratt continued “Every winter, the NHS is awash with these parasites pouring into surgeries and hospitals with their filthy rotten germs and expecting our over-worked administrators to somehow manage to fiddle, er I mean seasonally-adjust, the waiting list figures. This way, we can meet all of our insane government-set targets and our top surgeons and consultants can have Christmas and New Year off to spend in their luxurious Caribbean holiday homes. It’s really the only way.”

It is thought that all of the major political parties are willing to tacitly agree with the cull as they are all afraid of disagreeing with the powerful doctoring community. As our man-of-the-people Westminster correspondent, Geoff Gruff explained in his charmingly colloquial manner “This bunch of namby-pambies are all reet scared o’them there quacks after th’ Harley Street mob threatened t’stop writing them dodgy prescriptions for t’clap medicine. Dirty beggars they are, I tell thee.”

Monkey Nuts

In Northern India, unemployed youths are being trained to sterilise monkeys, in an attempt to keep the growing population in check. As was reported here recently, the monkey population in India has caused severe problems with yobish behaviour, vandalism, graffiti, and drunken, loutish behaviour by a small minority of the simian population.

A spokesmonkey for the British And North Asian Neutering Apes Society (BANANAS) claimed that the problems of young monkeys and the gang culture that surrounds them, gave the government no other option than sterilisation, to stop any further youngsters becoming involved in the future.

One of the youths involved in the sterilisation process, spoke of his excitement at his new role. Chopya Balsoff, 17, spoke of his enthusiam, "I cant wait to get stuck in, we get 1 ruppee for each sterilsed monkey, but the producers of "I'm a Celebrity..." give us 10 ruppees for each testicle...don't know what they do with them though?". Spokesmen for "I'm a Celebrity..." Mr Ant and Mr Dec denied any knowledge of the illigal monkey ball purchases, claiming that they only ever use fresh kangaroo testicles in all their tasks.

Yesterdays Knews In Brief

It’s been a slow couple of days on the satirical news front what with it being New Year and all. Well that and the fact that all the major world news stories just happen to be just a teeny-weeny bit too sensitive for fat feckless wastrels like us to get involved in (yes we’re cowards, so what?).

So, until something funny happens or Big Brother Celebrity Attack starts on telly tonight, whichever is sooner, here is a brief round-up of the news in handy bite-size chunks.

Ex-popstar Gareth Gates has announced that he is getting married to his long-time sweetheart. The Unchained Melody ace, 23, has been dating dancer Suzanne Mole for five years, although that does technically include the two and half weeks it took for him to complete the marriage proposal.

Troubled TV funnyman Michael Barrymore was ‘all-white’ on New Year’s Eve when his pet cockatoo nervously reacted to the midnight fireworks and shat all over his face. The statue-up-the-arse comic said “feel free to insert your own pool party punchline”.

Jay Leno and The Tonight Show were back on the air last night after a two month enforced hiatus due to the Hollywood writers strike. Unfortunately, as NBC have failed to make a deal with the screenwriters union, Leno didn’t have the luxury of a team of writers to make him funny and produced little more than an hour of inconsequential, sycophantic interviews and deeply unamusing references. Strangely enough, viewers didn’t notice any difference.