Prezza Defends Puke Sex Claim

John Prescott has today slammed critics for casting doubt on his contention that his bulimia was responsible for his very public extra-marital affair with aide Tracey Temple.

The former Deputy PM shocked the nation last weekend with his revelation that he suffered from the illness (whereby the patient gorges on fatty food and then forces themselves to vomit it all up) which is usually associated with young women.

But it was Prescott’s assertion that the bulimia directly caused him to stray from his wife with former assistant Temple, 46, that provoked most criticism.

An embattled Mr Prescott this morning called a press conference in central London to provide prima facie medical evidence to confirm his assertions. He was accompanied by a psychiatrist renowned in the field of food-related anxiety, Doctor Tucker MacSpew. Dr MacSpew said

“It is quite reasonable, in my experience, to see that there is a clear correlation between feasting oneself on delicious treats like hamburgers and condensed milk and feasting one’s loins on a lovely female lady. Oh yes.”

When asked to provide actual evidence of this purported “correlation” Dr MacSpew replied “Well look at that Russell Brand. He used to be bulimic and now he’s The Sun’s ‘Shagger Of The Year’. I rest my case.”

We tracked down Mr Brand this afternoon to discover his take on the claims. “Why 'tis nought but rrrrhubarb” said the ballbags funnyman.

He went on “Oh and don’t forget to go and see my new film ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’. It’s out on Friday and I’m in it and everything! Just thought I’d mention that ‘cos I’ve been really reticent about the whole being asked to be in a Hollywood movie thing and I’ve hardly mentioned it to anyone. ‘Ere do you fancy a fumble then sweetcheeks?”

TV News : War of the Eve

News reaches us this morning that is certain to send shockwaves throughout the broadcast media.

ITV have poached British television’s most in-demand actor, Trevor Eve, from under the noses of baffled BBC bosses to make a reality TV show!

Beeb drama chiefs were thought to be lining up several new dramatic projects for Eve in the wake of the resounding critical success of his recent powerhouse performance as slimy gameshow host Hughie Greene.

However, it is thought that new ITV chief, Peter Fincham, used his friendship with the Waking The Dead star to lure him away from Auntie’s clutches with a money-no-object offer to make the light-entertainment programme of his choice.

The new show, devised by and starring Eve, is already in pre-production and is scheduled to appear on Saturday evenings this autumn. Details are still somewhat sketchy at this stage but we can reveal the working title and brief synopsis thanks to a rather helpful source in the ITV publicity department.

“Eve Of Destruction” : Waking The Dead actor Trevor Eve is mad as hell and he’s not gonna take it any more! Watch as he rampages through the English countryside taking on local pub hardmen as he smashes the gaff up.

Reports that the BBC are planning a counter-move with a series showing Robson Green arm-wrestling prisoners are as yet unconfirmed.

Shit Storm Threatens To Engulf The City

London’s Square Mile has been declared a no-go area as the recent financial shit-storm worsens by the day.

The panic that first gripped the city’s stockbrokers last week seems to have spread like wildfire throughout London’s financial institutions.

It is believed that the downturn in the FTSE caused many of the country’s top bankers and businessmen to dramatically shit themselves, causing a tumultuous explosion of brandy and foie gras-tinged faeces to burst through the boardrooms.

As the financial prognosis became ever gloomier, wave upon wave of pinstriped plop began to cascade down throughout the City’s top offices. This uncommon occurrence has been described by economic experts as “the trickle down effect”.

With the turd levels rising steadily and in the complete absence of any government intervention as PM Gordon Brown instead spends his time poncing around with Napoleon-lite French President Nicholas Sarkozy, it is feared that one more bank collapse could lead to the entire financial district becoming fatally submerged in shite.

Help could yet be at hand however from the unlikely source of President George Bush. Reports coming out of Washington this morning suggest that the President is preparing to send a crack rescue team to London to evacuate the shit-stricken area and clean the resulting bio-hazard up all nice.

We queried what the President’s motives for undertaking such an altruistic act of international kindness might be when he was so slow to respond to the devastating effects of Hurricane Katrina in his own country. Our anonymous White House source explained “because it’s white people affected this time.”

D-Day USA

It’s crunch time in the US primaries today when the Democratic Party may finally reveal their nominee to contest the Presidency in this November’s election. (Factual Note – this might not happen.)

So, we thought this was a good time to look back at the campaigns to date and ponder the following question. What have we learnt so far?

That the American media seem to have run out of superlative adjectives to describe today’s clash, after Super-Duper Tuesday had proved inconclusive. Although Yesterdays Knews suggests “Freakin' Massive Tuesday Man!” (Legal Note – if someone uses that on CNN tonight, you owe us money Turner.)

That being a US Senator must be one of the easiest jobs in the world if they’re allowed to take almost two years off their actual work, on full pay mind, to piss-around at trying to become President. No wonder Ron Paul hasn’t pulled out yet. Would you?

That it is possible to have the middle name Hussein AND still be a Christian (other faiths are available). This point’s just for Hillary Clinton by the way. We realise that the rest of us have worked this out by now. Oh hold on, breaking news alert here…………………….

Ah yes, and believe it or not Hillary, DAVID Beckham is not Jewish! Despite the name! Who’da thunk it?

It’s all very well and good Rambo star Sylvester Stallone endorsing John McCain now. But where was he when the Senator was banged-up in a Hanoi hell-hole for seven years and really needed his help?

Letter Theft Suspect Will Have His Life Changed

A man has been questioned by Police in relation to last weekend’s sensational Hollywood heist. The disappearance of the letter R in a circle from the end of The Oscars took organisers completely by surprise.

“We were completely taken by surprise” said Organising Vice-President, Charles Gray.

Investigating officers were puzzled as to why anyone would want or need the encircled R as it was deemed to have no monetary value.

However, Scotland Yard detectives today received a tip-off that the culprit was at large and living it up in foggy old London town. The mystery informant said he was an associate of the suspect and that the man had been planning to steal the R in a circle for some time, in order to add another superfluous letter to his name. It is believed that the suspect has developed an addictive habit for adding extra consonants to his forename.

Police sources have revealed that the informant, an Australian male, agreed to co-operate in exchange for immunity from prosecution as an accomplice as he was apparently terrified of being subjected to bland and tasteless prison food, especially the “paaastaah”.

The suspect, this afternoon released on bail, has been named as television personality and ingredients expert, Gregg Wallace. The shouty slaphead would only comment that “audacious thefts of encircled letters doesn’t come any tougher than this!”

Gog’s Blog Leaves Readers Agog

First as ever with all of the big news, our finger-on-the-pulse operation today brings you a story that happened two weeks ago. (Well we’ve got lives too you know. Do you think we just created this publication to amuse you lot? Oh right. Well then.)

A minor furore was caused recently (in a fairly loose definition of the word) when a guest writer in the travel section of the Guardian newspaper’s website was on the receiving end of a torrent of abuse.

19 year-old gap year student Max Gogarty (pictured, yes really) was asked to pen a regular blog describing his in-no-way clichéd holiday (yes, you’re going on holiday, not ‘travelling’ you pretentious titheads) to “find himself” in India and Thailand.

Unfortunately for the Guardian, it quickly became evident that poor little Max had a rather unpopular writing style, or to quote journalistic behemoth Bob Woodward, “he writes like a cunt. A talentless, vapid cunt, at that”.

Furthermore, observant readers immediately identified that the bungling blogger was actually the son of sometime-Guardian travel writer, Paul Gogarty.

Within minutes, the article, the writer and the newspaper itself came under attack from hundreds of disgusted readers, ashamed that the august organ could stoop to such lazy, nepotistic depths.

Before the day was through, the Guardian had stopped all further comments on the article and announced that Gogarty Junior would not be writing any further pearls of wisdom on their website.

Over the following days, several articles appeared in the print and online editions of the respected liberal publication, criticising their own readers as a bullying, thuggish mob. Honestly.

We tried to contact Guardian editor Alan Rusbridger for his views on the handling of this matter but had to beat a hasty retreat when he questioned the veracity of our Bob Woodward quote. We did however manage to get a quote from Guardian-hating, ‘straight-talking’, ‘why it’s political correctness gone mad’, immigrant and foreigner-baiting, prick of a newspaper columnist, the Mail’s very own Richard Littlejohn.

Littlejohn summed up the incident with his trademark caustic wit “Oooh a load of cardigan-wearing, lentil-eating lefty poofters had a little gay row did they? Bloody weirdoes. This land used to be fit for heroes you know? Not any more. Over-educated they are, that lot. That’s their problem, no common sense the lot of them.”

Incidentally, you can read the original article and the rather amusing comments, by simply clicking on the link we have handily placed below. Gosh we're nice aren't we?

http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/travelog/2008/02/skins_blog.html

Sympathy For The Cheryl

The low-rent celebrity war between stage-school, daddy's girl, pretend working-class, fraudulent cockney poppet, Lily Allen, and lad-mag fave, can't really sing without digital-enhancement, Geordie thug, Cheryl Cole, seems to have cooled after they both admitted that, at some stage of their of their lives, they'd had issues with their other halves.

So, in a rare moment of showbiz female solidarity, Miss Allen has offered to call a truce on their tabloid-selling game of tit-for-tat insult-throwing.

It is believed that Mrs Cole,currently in hiding, has let it be known that she appreciates the gesture and has suggested to Miss Allen that they put their issues behind them. In fact, we understand that the singers even plan to join forces in order to undertake the mother-of-all celebrity feuds with troubled star Amy Winehouse.

Legal Note:

* Cheryl Cole was actually convicted of vile thuggery in 2002 after being a vile thug in 2002.

* Lily Allen, at least as far as this publication is aware has never committed an act of actual-bodily-harm. Although, her new BBC Three chatshow is undeniably excruciatingly painful to watch.

So, readers,who do you prefer? Cheryl or Lily? Why not let us know in the Comments box below............................

Cerys Cashes In

In yet more frozen-food related news, it has been reported that Cerys Matthews looks set to sell off the last vestiges of her musical credibility by agreeing to become the new face of Iceland.

The freezer store giant recently announced that they had dropped troubled personality Kerry Katona from their TV ad campaigns (for unspecified reasons we must add – but we can all have a good guess eh?) and were known to be on the lookout for a replacement to appeal to their key demographic: ITV reality show viewers.

Ms Matthews is believed to have attracted the attention of the Icleand execs after appearing on 'I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here', when she received huge media coverage for her unedifying love affair with tubby romancer Marc Bannerman.

The deal is expected to be announced later today after Cerys and the ad execs made a series of compromises:

Cerys will now agree to sing a cheap and nasty jingle in the ads in exchange for more cash. And Iceland have agreed to cast failed actor Bannerman in a minor role in their upcoming ice pops advertisement.

The only sticking point still to be ironed out is now whether or not she actually has to eat the slurry shown on screen.

Rudy’s Had His Chips

Former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani has finally called time on his ill-fated run for the White House.

After his humiliating third-place finish in the Florida primary, upon which he gambled his entire election strategy, “America’s Mayor” was forced to abandon his overly-ambitious mission to become the leader of the Free World.

Mr Giuliani admitted that the Grand Old Party had effectively “shat in his face” in their rush to elect seemingly almost any other candidate than him.

The notoriously sensitve Capitaliser-In-Chief pledged his full support to his friend John McCain, the oven chip magnate, this afternoon.

This is not the first time that Mr Giuliani has had to swallow his pride and look to Senator McCain to join a more successful operation.

Only last year, he sold his shares in his failing frozen-food company to his rival after Mr McCain’s hugely-popular Micro Chips outsold his own 'Rudy’s Saviour of New York Pizzas' ten-to-one.

It looks like in politics, as in life, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Here’s Some More News In Brief! Yay!

That’s right fans, we haven’t deserted you. In case you’ve been hankering after some sub-Two Ronnies jokes based on tit-bits of the latest world news, well hanker no more. We’ve scoured the world of actual real news for you and condensed it all up real nice below. Enjoy!

The war of words between the two front-runners for the Democratic Presidential nomination, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, intensified today. Following Senator Clinton’s inflammatory accusation that he was making race an issue in the campaign, Mr Obama, after ridiculing the notion, hit back by questioning Mrs Clinton’s commitment to the Presidency:

“It seems perfectly clear to me that Senator Clinton is leading us all a merry dance here. As if she’ll have the time to implement even half of her proposals in the White House while she’s still running her card shop empire!”


A wall containing the ‘art’ of inexplicably successful chancer, Banksy, is to be sold today for a whopping £210,000. Art expert Tim Marlow expressed concern at the development:

“We simply can’t have a no-talent huckster, motivated entirely by fiscal reward and with no consideration whatsoever for creating anything beautiful and lasting, churning-out this kind of soulless pap in the Modern Art world. That’s Damien Hirst’s job.”


To the palpable relief of The Daily Express, it seems like the interminable saga of the Dian Inquest is still nowhere near concluding. So, in the interests of public-service pretend-journalism, here’s a summary of what we’ve discovered so far:

The late, great Queen of Hearts, Princess Diana had a surprisingly friendly relationship with / was bullied by her former father-in-law, the arrogant chimp-faced racist, Prince Phillip.

She was in love with, planning to marry and expecting the child of / having a cheap fling (what with him being a rich playboy and that) with Dodi Al Fayed.

The Michael Jackson song ‘Dirty Diana’ was not, actually, written about England’s Rose after all. According to her rock butler (apparently he used to set the tables dressed as Shakin’ Stevens) Paul Burrell, it was almost certainly penned in memory of fellow dead blonde bombshell, Diana Dors.

He said “I was told this several years ago by my good friend Bruce Springsteen. So it must be true.”

Sorry We Fucked Up : Corrections

Firstly and foremostly, a gargantuan apology is due to former Smug Prick Of The Year nominee Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall. Hugh’s laudable campaign to halt the sale of mass-produced chickens is frankly so stirring and obviously unselfish that this sorry excuse for a website can completely and utterly retract every single word of our poorly-worded and unoriginally-thought-out Christmas feature. We’ll go so far as to say we’re genuinely apologetic for being dickheads and we’ll try harder in future.

And Ricky Gervais, now we come to think about it, although it’s become tooth-abcess-remindingly painful to hear your post-modern tales of success, the Christmas episode of Extras was exceptionally good. For what it’s worth anyway. And we've got a fucking cheek considering. As if Gervais reads this amateur-hour shit anyway. But there you go.

Oh and Jim Davidson. You’re still a cunt.

Top Docs Call For Winter Cull - Of Humans!

A panel of Britain’s top doctors today proposed controversial measures in response to the growing sickness epidemic engulfing the country. The British Union of Medicalists (B.U.M) have recommended that the government conduct a yearly winter cull of the population to prevent hospitals becoming overrun with patients each December and January.

B.U.M spokesman Dr Julian Barratt said that the majority of the population had no reason to be afraid of the proposed cull and explained that only the elderly and infirm would be slaughtered with clubs and planks of wood with nails sticking-out. “Oh and the poor as well” he added.

Dr Barratt continued “Every winter, the NHS is awash with these parasites pouring into surgeries and hospitals with their filthy rotten germs and expecting our over-worked administrators to somehow manage to fiddle, er I mean seasonally-adjust, the waiting list figures. This way, we can meet all of our insane government-set targets and our top surgeons and consultants can have Christmas and New Year off to spend in their luxurious Caribbean holiday homes. It’s really the only way.”

It is thought that all of the major political parties are willing to tacitly agree with the cull as they are all afraid of disagreeing with the powerful doctoring community. As our man-of-the-people Westminster correspondent, Geoff Gruff explained in his charmingly colloquial manner “This bunch of namby-pambies are all reet scared o’them there quacks after th’ Harley Street mob threatened t’stop writing them dodgy prescriptions for t’clap medicine. Dirty beggars they are, I tell thee.”

Monkey Nuts

In Northern India, unemployed youths are being trained to sterilise monkeys, in an attempt to keep the growing population in check. As was reported here recently, the monkey population in India has caused severe problems with yobish behaviour, vandalism, graffiti, and drunken, loutish behaviour by a small minority of the simian population.

A spokesmonkey for the British And North Asian Neutering Apes Society (BANANAS) claimed that the problems of young monkeys and the gang culture that surrounds them, gave the government no other option than sterilisation, to stop any further youngsters becoming involved in the future.

One of the youths involved in the sterilisation process, spoke of his excitement at his new role. Chopya Balsoff, 17, spoke of his enthusiam, "I cant wait to get stuck in, we get 1 ruppee for each sterilsed monkey, but the producers of "I'm a Celebrity..." give us 10 ruppees for each testicle...don't know what they do with them though?". Spokesmen for "I'm a Celebrity..." Mr Ant and Mr Dec denied any knowledge of the illigal monkey ball purchases, claiming that they only ever use fresh kangaroo testicles in all their tasks.

Yesterdays Knews In Brief

It’s been a slow couple of days on the satirical news front what with it being New Year and all. Well that and the fact that all the major world news stories just happen to be just a teeny-weeny bit too sensitive for fat feckless wastrels like us to get involved in (yes we’re cowards, so what?).

So, until something funny happens or Big Brother Celebrity Attack starts on telly tonight, whichever is sooner, here is a brief round-up of the news in handy bite-size chunks.

Ex-popstar Gareth Gates has announced that he is getting married to his long-time sweetheart. The Unchained Melody ace, 23, has been dating dancer Suzanne Mole for five years, although that does technically include the two and half weeks it took for him to complete the marriage proposal.

Troubled TV funnyman Michael Barrymore was ‘all-white’ on New Year’s Eve when his pet cockatoo nervously reacted to the midnight fireworks and shat all over his face. The statue-up-the-arse comic said “feel free to insert your own pool party punchline”.

Jay Leno and The Tonight Show were back on the air last night after a two month enforced hiatus due to the Hollywood writers strike. Unfortunately, as NBC have failed to make a deal with the screenwriters union, Leno didn’t have the luxury of a team of writers to make him funny and produced little more than an hour of inconsequential, sycophantic interviews and deeply unamusing references. Strangely enough, viewers didn’t notice any difference.

Yesterdays Knews Showbiz Awards 2007

Well it’s that time again when we look back at the past year and think about what we’ve learnt. And what better way to celebrate the year than to have another awards show?

So, with that unoriginal thinking in mind, we’re proud to bring you the inaugural Yesterdays Knews Showbiz Awards for 2007 or “The Yessies” as they are certain to never be called by anyone. Ever.

Anyway, without further ado, let’s crack on with the glittering, star-studded ceremony.

To kick things off, it’s the gong for Piss-artist of the Year : There’s been some strong competition in this a vintage year for the new crop of hell-raisers and low-self-respect-having celebrities. The ladies were really showing us how it’s done this year with distinctions going to Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and of course, Amy Winehouse.

However, in part due to his complete lack of knowledge of his own image and mainly due to his brilliant knack of managing to get himself bollocksed in the strangest public places, most notably at Heathrow Airport while lifting up and carrying around the manageress of the Sock Shop and then stumbling around the terminal urging everybody in ear-shot to not “Hassle the Hoff” before slumping into a pathetic drunken stupor and urinating in his pants whilst asleep, this year’s booze-hound of the Year can be none other than David Hasselhoff. Jump in your car Hoff? No thanks mate. It stinks quite strongly of piss.

(As a special Christmas gift, for anyone who hasn’t yet seen it, here’s a link to The Hoff’s now infamous semi-naked drunken hamburger meltdown.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QH3JAp7vMuo

The Carpenters Award for most unsettling brother and sister pop act : X Factor finalists Same Difference. Remember kids, the group that bathes together, stays together.

The Kate Thornton Award for the most disproportionately irritating, vacuous, blonde bastard : Fearne Cotton beats off her namesake Anthony Cotton in what will almost certainly be the only time you’ll ever read that sentence.

The John Gotti Award for being so obviously guilty as fuck but somehow not only getting away with it but seemingly becoming more successful than before : Rat-faced, racist, tit-flopper-out Danielle Lloyd.

The Please Why Don’t You Follow Exactly In The Footsteps Of Your Famous Mother Award : Pea-brained, big-mouthed, rich little gobshite Peaches Geldof.

The Smuggest Prick on the Telly Award : As you might imagine, we’ve had no shortage of contenders for this prized gong. Worth dishonourable mentions this year have been Jeffrey Archer and spivvy business cock Simon Jordan who both “starred” on ITV’s bizarre begging show Fortune, everyone involved in the thankfully now defunct toss-fest that was Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, American Idol dwarf Ryan Seacrest (the only television presenter who always looks like he’s enjoying a delicious ice cream treat) , TV cook “Ooh look at me, I live in the country and am entirely self-sufficient living off home-made soil sandwiches baked in my very own kiln which is powered only by own sense of superiority. Bow down before me you supermarket-frequenting city-dwelling scum” Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall and those absolute shite-eating, cock-rings off the Coke Zero advert.

But, we can only have one winner. And that means that the award for the smuggest, most self-satisfied prick to have shown up on our TV screens this year is Mr Ricky Gervais. He’s won tons of awards, made millions of pounds and has literally arseloads of showbiz mates you know? Just thought we should remind you of that, as he hasn’t mentioned it for the last two days.

And finally, we’re left with the blue ribbon award for Twat of the Year. We’re sure you’ll agree, there’s been a plentiful supply of celebrity twats this year but there is one who towers head and shoulders above them all. Yes, the Yesterdays Knews Twat of the Year 2007 is, for so very many reasons, David Cameron. We know that he’s not an according-to-hoil celeb, but, bearing in mind that quote about politics being showbusiness for ugly people, the Mr Potato Head-faced vapid liar will do quite nicely. And let’s face it, can you think of a bigger twat? Exactly.

That’s all the awards we’ve got time for this year, so all that’s left to do is to wish all of you, on behalf of the Yesterdays Knews team, a very Merry Christmas.

Diary of an Editor

Well, being a car owner, its a very rare occasion that I take public transport, but today was going to be an exception.

That is...until I got to the bus-stop.

Why are all buses these days single deckers?

The queue for the number 20 snaked up the street, and the packed bus looked like the 11:20 train from New Delhi, with people hanging onto the sides for dear life!!

Suffice to say...I declined the trip onto town, but it reminded me of a bus trip I took a while ago...perhaps I'll tell that story tomorrow.

Diary of an Editor...

Here at Yesterday's Knews the editors of your favourite blog site lead interesting and varied lives outside the confines of the internet world. And so, I thought it would be an interesting piece, to do a diary for our readers, giving you an insight into the bizarre world we live in.

And so to start, I will tell you about my strange day.

Its Christmas!! so, I joined the throngs of shoppers to finish off my Christmas present buying. On entering my first shop, a happy looking shop assistant watched me enter, with a smile, and began to slowly follow me around the store...which can be quite uncomfortable when your trying to stuff wooly jumpers into your aluminium lined carrier bag.

Anyway, she walked up to me...a 6 foot, stocky scouser and said "Can I help you? I don't think we have any dresses for you today..." Do I look like Paul O'Grady?? no... But I'll humour her "What!!! you don't have anything in my size?" to which she looked around the shop and pointed out a rubber gimp suit (it was M&S by the way, or is that S&M?) to which I jokingly asked "Do you have anywhere I can try it on??" before smiling at her and leaving the store...

And that is a true story...well...almost...

Godless Clegg Branded A Disgrace

New Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg was slammed by prominent Labour and Conservative MPs last night as it emerged that, disgracefully, he doesn't believe in God.

Senior Tory frontbencher, George Rentboy-Abuser, queried Clegg's right to run a major political party when he won't be able to blame any of his half-baked, incompetent or dangerous policies on an all-powerful deity. "He'll be saying he wants gays in the Navy next, dear me."

The attack from Labour was started by Gordon Brown acolyte, Mike Cocks. Mr Cocks savaged Mr Clegg as "a heathen, rat-shagging devil-man." He reasoned that if Christianity is good enough for our brave and noble leader Mr Brown, it should be plenty good enough for a no-mark, Ethel Austin version of David Cameron.

Mr Clegg was unperturbed by the criticism however, explaining that the popularity of celebrity atheists like Richard Dawkins, has led him to believe that he could corner the market for "the thinking man's (and woman's of course, and hermaphrodites'. Oh and albinos as well) votes."

When quizzed as to how his views would affect his treatment of the clergy should he ever be elected Prime Minister, and therefore Deputy Head of the Church of England, Mr Clegg, after he'd stopped laughing, promised that he would not bash the bishops. "At least not any more than was absolutely necessary".

Yankee Fool-dle Dandy

A sculpture seen by thousands in a Chigaco musuem was pronounced a forgery this week, much to the amusement of us here at Yesterday's Knews Towers!! The Faun, believed to be created by artist Paul Gaugin, was actually created by Shaun Greenhaulgh, from Bolton, and his 84 year old mother, Olive.

This is not the first time Americans have been swindled by us canny Brits!! London Bridge was sold to an American tycoon, who, allegedly, believed it to be the more impressive Tower Bridge. And just this week, the Smithsonian museum bought this painting below...believing it to be the Mona Lisa.

Doctors Say Smoking Causes AIDS

A top medical research group today announced that smoking can give you AIDS. The shock findings were published by the London-based Moseley Group as a result of a thorough week-long medical study.

This follows recent research that declared that smoking also caused diabetes, lactose-intolerance, backache and shitty arses.

According to the paper, a crack team of physicians and scientists studied 10 cases of HIV patients and discovered that 4 of them were smokers. This information was then fed through their supercomputer to extrapolate the results across the global population. Consequently, they have found a clear cause-and-effect between smoking and AIDS with a mathematical likelihood co-efficient of 40.

Presenting the results, Dr Royston Castle PhD, announced “here we find yet another deadly side-effect of this disgusting habit. Smokers of the world, I promise you this, I will not cease from mental flight, nor shall my sword sleep in my hand, till I have blamed every last disease on your filthy chicanery. You scum make me sick. Literally”